lynn123 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I really could use some advice and support from others. To begin my husband left me (for the second time) two months ago. A little history: Married almost ten years, two beautiful children. Many ups and downs that come with life, but we always stuck together. He stopped having sex with me except for maybe once or twice a year when I got pregnant with my first son. Found out two years ago that he was posting sex ads on porn sites to meet women for anonymous sex. Wrote a couple of them too. He left for four months at that time. Made him take a lie detector. Thank G-d nothing happened. He went to therapy for sexual addiction and was diagnosed as having been a victim of emotional incest (mother made him her emotional partner). Thought things would get better. Got worse. His mother has always treated me like dirt and it's only getting worse. He says he just doesn't see it and doesn't know if he can deal with my relationship with her. Also, he started taking testosterone shots two years ago which completely changed his personality. He used to at least be sweet and attentive to me. Now he is just plain angry at me all the time if I try to get emotionally and physically close to him. He left two months ago to work on his issues. We were going to marriage counseling but I told him that he has to apologize to me for leaving me for his mother before I will continue. I know I must be a little crazy to still love this man, but I do and I desparately wanted to keep my family together. My son is absolutely devasted and I don't know how to help him. Two nights ago I asked him to please move back and we could go back to counseling. He said no, he needs six months to decide. He yelled at me that it wasn't his or his mother's fault. He yelled that he left me because of who I am and it is my fault. I was devasted. He yelled that I better go to my counselor to work on my issues. I admit that I get emotional and cry and yell when I am hurt. I'm going next week to try to get my head on straight. He calls every morning and evening to talk to the kids, but doesn't want to talk to me. Please somebody offer me some advice.
beachbum84 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Dealing with MILs like that is tough. My own MIL is very manipulating of my H and very demanding of his time, and details of his life that are no longer her business. She treats me poorly too, mainly b/c she must see me as a threat. I am going to suggest a good book to you titled, "Toxic Inlaws". I forget who it is by at the moment. Our marriage counselor lent me the book to read and it was an eye opener for sure. I'd suggest he read it too, but it doesn't seem like he has allowed himself to go to a place to see things they way they are, not the way he would like to see them. Obviously he is dealing with something that he's not sharing thus why he has ran away and trying to put it all on you. It makes him feel validated to convince you its all your fault. If he's not willing to accept fault for anything, hear your problems or address them, go to mc, or move home, then there isn't much you can do. Is your separation legal? Have you sought any legal advice? Have you two discussed divorce yet? Or is he just being allowed to live the way he wants with no regards to you or y'all's marriage?
Author lynn123 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) One day he says he understands and he has issues to work out, but absolutely refuses to come home. Says he may need six months. I feel like some of this is my fault because I am the one who stopped marriage counseling. I was just so hurt listening to him over and over again how afraid he is of losing his parents. He was willing to leave me and lose me, so I felt he needed to realize that leaving your wife for your mother was wrong. I don't think a long separation teaches a couple how to be married, only how to live single. That is why I suggested that he move back and we resume counseling. I was so hurt when he told me that he left because of me. I told him to get the hell out of my house. I feel like such a failure. I can't do anything right when it comes to him. Nothing is legal. He's just living how he wants and I'm supposed to wait around for up to six months to see how he feels then. Edited October 21, 2009 by lynn123
beachbum84 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Well he certainly has issues with his relationship w/ his parents. Choosing them over you is wrong. Saying I do puts you higher on the list than them, no ifs and/or buts about that. Why does he feel he needs 6 months? Where has that # come from? Seems like 6 months is a good enough time to get one's ducks in a row to stay gone for good. 6 months gone w/ kids involved, and obvious inlaw tension (assuming he's staying w/them) seems detrimental. How is y'alls marriage supposed to grow stronger while separated, nc, and no mc? Do you two meet up at all? Would you be willing to go back to MC even though he is out of the house? Has he been seeing the kids regularly? What is set in stone at the 6 month marker if anything at all? Don't get me wrong if he needs space pushing / rushing isn't going to help things. I needed space and asked my H to leave. I did go NC with him for a little over a week, and then allowed convos if they stayed civil and I did make a fair try at the whole MC thing. For whatever reasons one feels the need for space, constant hounding, smothering, or pressuring is only going to push them to say they want something they aren't sure of. Not to say that they should be allowed all the time in the world to try and decide what they want, or how they want things to go. There is a fine line between being able to have some needed space, and being a cake eater. It quickly can go over to cake eater if both parties are not careful. Have you made any demands or time lines with him about anything on your end? You've allowed him to say he'll be gone at least 6 months and then he will know what to do at that point. Have you considered saying something like, at 6 months if you are unsure I will be filing for divorce? Have you made it clear once what you are not willing to deal with? He doesn't get the privilege of calling all the shots. He will though if you allow him to. I know all this must seem wishy washy. But when it comes to matters of the heart there are rarely black & white clear cut solutions.
Author lynn123 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 You're right. I pushed to have him move back in. I was so sad with him gone and my eight year old son is even doing worse. He cries himself to sleep a few times a week. It's breaking my heart. He has already been gone two months. Now he says he may need six more, he couldn't say. I told him that it's too hard on the family. The price is too high. He's living alone in an apartment right now. Maybe I was wrong quitting MC when I did, but I wanted him to first get his mother issues straightened out. He's going to individual therapy, I start next week. I feel like such a failure. I'm sure I'm doing everything wrong. I was just trying to save my family.
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