McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 my situation. 3.5 years went from lets take it back a notch> to space > to me freaking out > to break up (her call). said she needs independence, to be alone, selfish, breathe. time to think. doesnt want to settle down, etc went NC 20 days ago (the breakup was about 6 weeks ago) she still emailed me last week with an apology/wish she communicated better short and cryptic letter. maybe 4 sentences. i didnt respond i miss her so. she did a similar thing to me last year, treated me horribly for 3 months and then came back, after making out with a guy at work and i told her it was over. saying things like she wants to be with me forever then. knocking down my door. i took her back. the cheating lead me to be so untrusting and freak out when things got rough this time. perhaps it wasnt meant to be, i just need to stop waiting. im scared in 9 months ill still be here waiting for her call. i shouldnt take or want her back. but i do. im having trouble thinking she isnt going to realize her mistake like last year. and i know the best way to get her back IS TO MOVE ON. and i wont forget her unless i do. its just very hard, and i have so many regrets with the way i acted that pushed her finally to make a decision. i said so many horrible things, and things (accused her of cheating, said i never loved her, said i was doing NC so she would come back). ive learned so much about myself, but am still so sad and lonely now. she has given me so many mixed signals, just asking for time and etc. i finally told her to stop communicating with me as I NEEDED TIME NOW and she still emailed me 11 days later. i understand she needed a change in her life, and she chose me. and that sucks. why do i care so much when she treated me like ****, and is not on my love level? i lost her. it sucks. and i regret my actions. im up and down. think im better off, then think ill never find somone so pretty, nice and who loved me like that.
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) ugg. im just tired of thinking about it. and wish i did NC when she asked for space. so sad/mad/angry/lost Edited October 21, 2009 by McGrupp
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 i just read this on another board and it made me think of her. she has a lot of stress at work. you also need to realize that sometimes there are bad times, where you feel like you no longer love that person, or no longer are attracted to them. often this is simply stress or life circumstances being projected on your partner (courtesy of my father, a psychiatrist, and someone who went through two separations with my mother before working everything out). when this happens, you need to be able to recognize it and not just run ... because after a few months apart, the bad times fade away and all you remember is the good times ... and then you begin to regret that sums up how i think she will feel in time
GrayClouds Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 i just read this on another board and it made me think of her. she has a lot of stress at work. that sums up how i think she will feel in time yes but it is likely to take alot of time. This insight usually happens very late in life for most. Sorry about your loss, it will hurt, it will take time, but there keep doing the right things and it will happen fast. Ok, a little faster. NC, exercises, being with friends, new hobbies, journaling ect. Good luck.
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 yeah. the advice i came up with and wish i had done it 7 weeks ago is: be indifferent, not insecure. seems to work for me.
Eisenhower Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I can tell you from having spent most of this year waiting on a string for the ex to work her life out and try again, it's as miserable waiting as it is being in a stressed relationship. I think you're doing the right thing. I know it's hard, but NC, in my opinion, is easier than being in a one sided relationship/friendship or whatever. And as has been said before, NC stands more chance of making her realize what she gave up than begging or being needy. If there's a chance, it's through NC ... and if not, NC will allow you to move on at least. Good luck, Eisenhower
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) its hard for me right now to not keep waiting because: A) she did the same thing last year and came back B) theres no other guy (at least there wasnt 3 weeks ago) c) we went from arguing>space>breakup. wasnt like she sat me down and said she had been thinking this for awhile. d) said she needs time/space before i went totally NC and that i had never given that to her yet. but in the same way i realize im reaching. i know the verdict. i know i must move on because she will never come back. that feels good to write out actually. and if she does my head will be clearer and in a better way to accept her or reject her but at least i will be thinking about me and not her. its just hard for me to get these details out of my head, of when she returned last time. im def getting there though. i think by thanksgiving (my aim time) im going to be moved on a lot. i was ignoring the hurt for the first month. still keeping in contact and traveling/going out a lot. i never gave it time to sink in. thats what this month is for. also at the same time its like: SHE DID THE SAME THING LAST YEAR SHE CHEATED **** HER. but love is a crazy thing Edited October 21, 2009 by McGrupp
Bulldozed Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 McGrupp....your situation almost matches mine to a "T"...it's been (6) wks...originally when we talked, it wasn't to "break Up" (she was very adamant in saying that) she just needed some time to focus on her self...her job, get her head straight..shortly thereafter, I accused her of wanting to get with her friends ex...to which she told me how very angry that made her that I would even suggest such a thing....but here it is, 6 wks later, and she's doing just that....she pulled the same thing 5 mths into our relationship and went back to her ex over the holidays, only to come grovelling back a couple days after xmas. ...strange world...i'm stricly NC at this point, no email, like I posted earlier...she may come around at some point or not...either way, it's her bed, she'll have to lie in it...whether she regrets it or not.
angelface78 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) You have no choice. NC is the only way...and it doesnt mean waiting around for her to change her mind. Trust me i was in your shoes 3 times. 3 consecutive summers my ex needed "time apart"..its horrible to have to wait around. If i could go back in time i wouldnt have waited...because here i am break up number 3 and he said he needed time but now he is with someone else. I had opportunities with great people while he wanted time apart and like a fool i waited for him and didnt take a chance with these great people. I see now that he didnt think twice. Some people are not loyal. THINK ABOUT YOURSELF. Get yourself together and stop waiting for this girl. You deserve the best....treat yourself good. Pretend you are someone else and take care of yourself. Edited October 21, 2009 by angelface78
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) its not only the waiting but what really killing me is the regrets. she took me back or said she needed space and i would blow up when she would not call or text when she was out (which she always did, so obviously this was a sort of test that i failed), then she would say just give me some space, i would wait a week and blow up (why cant i see you, who is the other guy!). finally she said it was over. i gave her space for a bit, then pleaded to come back and then blew up real bad at her(go f*** yourself, you dont deserve me). thats when i apologized and said she shouldnt pick up or return my messages b/c i was upset with the person I was turning into. AND SHE STILL EMAILED ME 11 days later ! breadcrumbs... im glad i stopped when i did, but i regret a lot and i was the one that lost her. just basically rationalized her decision for her. and lost my self respect. pissed off when she was treating me ****ty i didnt return the favor, but instead professed my love and all the wrong things you shouldn't do. ugg wah, wah, wah... Edited October 21, 2009 by McGrupp
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 I have to accept she is not coming back and that is it.
ecm Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I've been there...with regrets. It's so easy to see our mistakes...AFTERWARDS. It may not be too late, though. You'll just have to make wiser decisions from here on out. Now, I have a question for you. This is something that's been bothering me about my own situation. Why did you tell her you didn't love her? To hurt her? And did you mean it? or did you THINK you meant it?
Author McGrupp Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 i said it to hurt her. absolutely. i still love her very much. i can feel my love changing however, from true to more like the love you have for a deep friend. i will always love her though. after i said those things i spent the next 2 days apologizing. which was the worst part of the whole thing, because then i was just breaking NC some more. in one of my apology letters i said to stop replying to me for some months. then she emailed me 11 days later saying she appreciated my apologies. so that was weird and knocked me off my path. it was necessary though. i had to apologize or i would regret it the rest of my life
ecm Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Well, at least she emailed you. Look around at the other stories on here. I swear, you'll read them and have to look back at the names b/c you'll think it's your ex writing. I've been learning a lot from other posts. I've put some up, but nothing too specific b/c I feel like I can get the answers reading the other ones. Most people will say NC is the way to go. I've had 5 years of on and off with someone I KNEW was "the one". I've been NC now for almost 6 weeks. It's been the easiest break up (with him) to date. Maybe it's b/c I'm finally fed up, maybe it's b/c of STICKING to NC, and I know it's partly b/c of getting to vent on here. Don't "wait". Do your thing. Something good will come of it either way. And btw, I've asked other people if they've said "I don't love you" to someone they did love and everyone said no. But I have done it MYSLEF to another ex, so I just wanted to see if anyone else as done it. My ex is just the biggest commitment phobe in the history of the world (like everyone else's on here -haha). I thought I was dealing with this big mystery, but now I'm realizing he's pretty much textbook. Stay strong. xo
Author McGrupp Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 its really weird. im thinking today about when she cheated on me a year ago. and although it was just making out and she told me right away, i still took her back. why did i do this? i lost a lot of self respect for myself RIGHT THERE. and then a year later i act surprised when she starts acting the same way. and of course i freak out again. so lame. i miss the sex cause she was smoking hot, a great cook, and had a great job. really wife material, however how could i live the rest of my life with a woman who i couldnt trust? im lonely now, but dissapointed in myself most of all for making the same mistake. she didnt cheat this time, but its just sad i took her back without discussing our problems and the same thing happened again. really learning a lot about myself and what i want in a relationship.
ecm Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 You shouldn't beat yourself up about things you've done in the past. Just try not to do them again. Sadly, it sometimes takes a few times of making that same mistake before we learn from it. Cheating? Eh. She made out with someone? Then told you? I think it's less about the act and more about dishonesty. The fact that she told you about it is huge. That is way more forgivable than someone who lies about it. So, I wouldn't beat yourself about that for sure. STILL- it sounds like your relationship is a cycle. If given the opportunity to start it up again... won't you do things differently b/c of the things you've learned? Or, if you meet someone who is WAY more fabulous, won't you not make the same mistakes?
Author McGrupp Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) it is a cycle. last year she did the same thing. wouldnt break up with from june-august but just treated me poorly, was very mean and distant and we would fight a lot. she cheated in September and then came back as i said. she apologized and i made her go through the ringer to get me back. and things were great. this year it happened way quicker. pretty much just the month of august. when she first acted like this i knew the drill so i let her be. she wanted me back immediately. but then i forced her hand by demanding to know what was going on and bugging her. i got emotional even though i knew the deal. to be truthful it was a combination of horniness and boredom in life. my mind conjured up ideas of her cheating and my libido wasnt used to going without. where last year i kinda was feeling out the issue this year i knew the drill so i tried to rush it. up till aug 16th ish we were still sleeping together and hanging out. we actually left it in a good way. around then is when i said i would give her space and we should take a break. but i wasnt ready for that and couldnt handle it. i bugged her a lot. i became not even clingy, but just super paranoid. i thought she was messing around again. all she asked for was time. i never gave her more then a week until she finally said it was over. then i gave her 9 days b4 i broke NC, then 6, then 10 until i finally blew up. so the whole month of sept. was me in denial and still contacting her every weekend. just getting angrier. until i finally blew up on her. now october i havent spoke to her since the 1st. its weird but i am counting the days. i feel way more up now, but also still down at times. sleeping better. and then that email. her vague email in the midst of me doing NC. hard for me not hold onto some hope i guess. 3 weeks of NC today for me. thats a great thing. but im still very much missing her. UGH! Edited October 22, 2009 by McGrupp
Author McGrupp Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 jesus christ. my anxiety right now is huge. just woke up in a cold sweat.
ecm Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I'm sorry. I know it sucks. I'm reading a book (at the advice of many people I've "talked to" on here) called "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. I don't know tooooo much about your situation, but this book seems to make sense for a lot of relationships. I used to be so sad about my ex. Right now I'm reading it thinking "why would I even subject myself to it anymore". I'm not sure if it will help you, but it might?? Also, keep venting on here! I swear it has helped soooo much with my getting over...er....well, feeling BETTER about my breakup. I hope you have a good day. Go do something for yourself (Nothing too irresponsible b/c you'll feel like sh*t after, but something GOOD.)
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