Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Sorry to hear about the unproductive discussion. I can very much relate to your frustration. Apologize for my earlier post, which was was not appropriate. You actually sound like a good man. I agree with another poster that many women would find a young, fit, educated man a great catch. "Again spoke and she said we couldn't resolve things unless we both took responsibility for what went wrong" I don't understand, wasn't it your wife that had the EA's? True, she may have had pre-affair complaints, but none justify cheating. This statement sounds a bit manipulative. She is trying to equalize her cheating with your inattentiveness (by her current standards). I think you need to 180 asap. You can research the 180 and how to apply it appropriately. I tend to think that she is justifying her behavior due to guilt/shame. If she blames you, then she does not have to take ownership of her indiscretion. Sending you strength.
Bryanp Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Let me get this straight. You have been married 1.5 years. Just before your wedding she was in an affair and now another affair compounded by all of her lying and she wants you to take your share of blame for these affairs? Do you honestly believe if the roles were reversed she would be so accepting as you? She is playing you for a complete fool. You should get tested for STD's since she is a chronic liar. Why would you waste your time on someone who disrespects you right before your wedding and again less than 1 1/2 years into the marriage. Clearly her actions indicate she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She treats you like a fool and you are if you are willing to settle for this. Surely you can do better. It would be almost impossible to do worse.
Author b0rk Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 So I took her to the airport this morning (she flies to work). More tears and more discussions. I ask her to stop telling me that she might as well of had a PA. She also wishes she never said anything (although I knew). Again the whole 'we both have a big part to play in this' discussion. I tell her that unless she can take responsibility for her actions we can't go forward. Also say I can't be supportive of her emotions any more while I sort my own out. I get the following at the end of a text [....]Sorry for being the worst wife you ever had. Then a phone call when she lands saying we don't have to split up. I ask her to leave me alone for a while.
Trojan John Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 She is being extremely manipulative, but you're handling things correctly. Keep it up and good luck, m8.
jnj express Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Hey bork---1st an EA to many can be more devastating than a PA----In an EA the partners give their heart and love to the other partner, that doesn't necessarily happen in a PA. In an EA the patners think about their AP all the time, they have much more passion about the whole situation. Some PA's are nothing more than ONS, or straight sex. Do not let your WW, slough her A's off as just EA's, they could be much more damaging than you want to believe. You should continue to play hardball with your WW, if she wants to stay in this mge., than she needs to prove it---Actions not words will show you what she really wants.
Author b0rk Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Thanks for the messages. Too hard to concentrate on work today and keep surfing these forums reading about people in similar situations. Tonight I will start speaking to some of my close friends and letting them in on what has gone on. I also plan on driving to my parents... it is only fair they know and have some rationale for my behaviour over the past few weeks. How will they react? I have no idea. They are very open minded and non religious so I imagine it will be a combination of anger at my partner, disappointment they will not be grandparents any time soon (I am the eldest of 4), and support.
Author b0rk Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Hey bork---1st an EA to many can be more devastating than a PA----In an EA the partners give their heart and love to the other partner, that doesn't necessarily happen in a PA. In an EA the patners think about their AP all the time, they have much more passion about the whole situation. Some PA's are nothing more than ONS, or straight sex. Do not let your WW, slough her A's off as just EA's, they could be much more damaging than you want to believe. You should continue to play hardball with your WW, if she wants to stay in this mge., than she needs to prove it---Actions not words will show you what she really wants. Thanks Jnj - that sums up my thought process precisely. I could forgive a kiss or a one night stand of some sort because I know sex can be meaningless and fleeting. Love is all in the mind and the brain is the most erogenous organ of them all. Giving that to someone else for a long period of time is where the true difference lies.
jmargel Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Her being a psychologist has you at a disadvantage because she knows how to 'get around' these sort of things. I think at this point your best option would be to get individual counseling for you both, letting her know that the only possible way of you trying this marriage again is if she start going. However at even that, there is no guarantees. Communication is so important in a marriage and though she might be blaming you for some of the reason why she did this, in all honesty she might not even know why (yet). When a cheating spouse says 'I don't know why I cheated' it's because they really don't. And unless you can find out the reason why, then there are no guarantees that it won't happen again. That's why the counseling needs to happen. She also hasn't faced any consequences for her behavior. A verbal lashing that goes in one ear and out the other doesn't make her face what she really has done to you and the marriage. You also have to do some soul searching on how YOU can improve yourself and the marriage or at least the communication.
Author b0rk Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 I told my wife that we should no longer be together. She is absolutely beside herself with grief and is moving out Sunday. She would do absolutely anything to put things right but I seem unable to do anything other than be indifferent and let her go To be honest 5 minutes ago I came to the crashing realisation that I do not actually love her any more and probably have not for some time... That would explain why she had to go elsewhere to get those feelings... and why I am just letting her leave on Sunday despite all her efforts to change my mind. I am such a bastard .
honeypear Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 You are not a bastard. What you are is hurt. You should break off all contact with her, she seems to shifting all blame for problems onto you. Move on with your life. She needs to resolve her issues herself. Take care
michelangelo Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 But I know a lot about deceptive wives. It doesn't take rocket science to know you should get away from her. She's a liar and she's been intimate with others and not just emotionally. Get checked for STDs. She's exposed you in the minimal amount of sex you've had with her.
honeypear Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 But I know a lot about deceptive wives. It doesn't take rocket science to know you should get away from her. She's a liar and she's been intimate with others and not just emotionally. Get checked for STDs. She's exposed you in the minimal amount of sex you've had with her. Yes, agreed. You don't want that unwanted surprise down the road. And sadly it will help you with your divorce if she has. Yes sad to say we women can be deceptive.
imagine Posted October 31, 2009 Posted October 31, 2009 To be honest 5 minutes ago I came to the crashing realisation that I do not actually love her any more and probably have not for some time... That would explain why she had to go elsewhere to get those feelings... and why I am just letting her leave on Sunday despite all her efforts to change my mind. I am such a bastard . So what are you going to do about this?
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