MizzBlue72 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I think it helps a lot to get feelings out and to read what others have been through. It really helps to know that my story is NOT unique. It's pretty much the same as the rest of the people on here, but it really truly does provide insight.
TheLoneSock Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I wonder. Does LS just make it harder for you to stop obsessing about your situation. I read many posts here and wonder...does it help your efforts of NC to talk about how much you loved your AP...I don't know...what do you all think? This is a really interesting question. I would have to say no though, it doesn't make it worse. Evidence for this comes in the fact that there are many, many people who have long since gotten through their issue and are still around- they stayed to give advice and remain part of the community. That's my .02 cents.
delajoonal Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I can see a few scenarios where LS can make it harder for some members. (no names, it can apply to more than one) Scenario 1: A LSer comes here with the same problem, over and over, gets great advices.. but still posts the same freaken problems for months even years.. as if the advices were not taken.. :rolleyes: or they simply choose the advice that better suit them.. (to remain in their misery). I think this is not healthy. Scenario 2: A LSer make up a 'fantasy' perfect world.. constantly posting about how perfect his/her life is.. how everyone else's sucks.. everything is 'invented' for whatever reason..(I guess they are very unhappy and need to make up a 'fantasy' world. This one is harder to understand.. In both cases, I ignore the threads.. Oh and I can add another scenario: A LSer spends every single 'awake' minute on LS... also not healthy.. something is missing in their life.. all of those scenarios are unhealthy ... because it is some kind of obsession.. and in all cases, the obsession is somehow 'nourished' by the forums.. sad An observation... with 12,213 post in less then 20 months... that's about 20 posts a day... like i said, just an observation:D
JamesM Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 An observation... with 12,213 post in less then 20 months... that's about 20 posts a day... like i said, just an observation:D Actually, according to her statistics, it is "only" 13.45 per day.
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 My 'average' is 19.86 p/d. Comes in spurts, lately more when I get private inquiries and most days about an hour to 90 minutes tops total posting time. Beats watching TV IMO. As far as 'obsession', I've learned a lot about the psychology of affairs and understand my motives and mistakes far better than prior to joining. If I can see the signs clearly and stop myself, or another, then that's worth the time spent. If anything, being here has made the divorce process more calm and less obsessive. It all works out
JamesM Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Actually, according to her statistics, it is "only" 13.45 per day. We do have someone who is at 33 and a half per day, but the question is...does posts per day indicate the level of obsession? There are many who read LS for many minutes per day even if their post count does not show it. The we ask....again....does this help said posters in their life, or does it replace their daily life, or does it hinder their daily life?
carhill Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Well, straight up, if I can help or support a stranger in even the smallest way, it's far better than pissing all those emotions down the black hole of my stbx. I say that with complete calm and without obsession Maybe if I take a break from LS, I can get pregnant like TBF did
MaureyL Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I do agree, DI that this does feed things a bit. But on the other hand, I do feel that I have exhausted my outlets for talking it through-- my friends and even my therapist must be dead sick of hearing about it! I also am in another relationship and on many levels it is much more satisfying and rewarding. But since my A activated so many issues for me on many different levels it has a very tight grip on me and even now, almost a year and a half has gone by since I have seen his face, I still think about him every day. But slowly, slowly, things improve and definitely going NC has been the right thing to do. I have so much more peace and contentment as I am not constantly being hurt with the knowledge of him going to parties with his girlfriend, going on holiday, etc... I don't know what's going on and if I don't know it can't hurt me! But I must admit, reading other people's stories here have made it more prominent in my mind.. x
Spark1111 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I can only speak to my own experiences with LS. When things are going great in my relationship, I seem to need LS less. When there is an issue, a trigger, some resurfacing anger or resentment, I do obsess with LS more. But it is an invaluable forum for me in that my children, my friends, family and probably my therapist are somewhat ready for me to move on from the pain. Rationally, logically, every day is better than the day before, two years post DDay. But every now and then, I spiral to a dark and lonely place where my inner child still licks her wounds, and I tend to come here on those days. Who better than my fellow LS posters to understand this pain?
White Flower Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 No....it gives me perspective...that I have it a lot easier and better than many. I second the notion. I think that would be true for everyone unless they have OCD or problems with coping.
threebyfate Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Well, straight up, if I can help or support a stranger in even the smallest way, it's far better than pissing all those emotions down the black hole of my stbx. I say that with complete calm and without obsession Maybe if I take a break from LS, I can get pregnant like TBF did I don't think I got pregnant away from LS but I won't know for certain until after the first ultrasound. If you're obsessing about an affair, the easiest way to reduce the obsession, is to stay away from the OW/OM and Infidelity forums and allow healthy things to happen in your real life. LS has primarily decent individuals as members. There are a handful of nasties. Just stay away from the latter and you should be fine.
moaningmyrtle Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I wonder. Does LS just make it harder for you to stop obsessing about your situation. I read many posts here and wonder...does it help your efforts of NC to talk about how much you loved your AP...I don't know...what do you all think? I'm a BW but "we" are in NC with the OW my H had the A with. Yes I think LS does keep it to the forefront of my mind. I continue to post because I am not yet ready to let go of the A and its after-affects. Perhaps it isn't healthy, but it's a bit like picking at a scab to see if the wound is still there underneath. At the moment it is for me but it's getting smaller. I notice I no longer ask many questions about my own situation as I did a few months ago; and instead focus on contributing more generally to discussions. Even though not everyone agrees with my style of posting I hope I can help at least assist some people to see different perspectives. I expect that one day my emotional wounds will be healed and I can either move away from LS or maybe continue posting in just an advisory capacity. Myrtle
moaningmyrtle Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Very sorry for this - I'm just making my 50th post because I heard that PM rights arrive on the 50th post. Myrtle
always_searching Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Very sorry for this - I'm just making my 50th post because I heard that PM rights arrive on the 50th post. Myrtle LOL, um, that's not true, as I'm sure you've now noted. In answer to the question: yes and no. I think talking about issues generally helps to eradicate them; however, if one dwells on the issue to the point that it becomes an obsession: LS can and will just feed into that obsession. I think it all depends on the person posting and the situation.
GreenEyedLady Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I find this an interesting question. When I came here, most of the OW were actively in A's. The minority were in NC. I found that posting at LS about my own personal situation made my R worse. If I didn't post about my own situation and just posted to others, our R was a much happier place to be. So I didn't post that much about the day-to-day. LS was a place that I formed friendships with people who had similar problems to me and the bond became strong. I miss that now. Now I can see if you are NC and posting, it can keep the A right at the forefront when you should probably be just moving on. I think you have to decide whether it's an obsession and affecting your outside R's. And if it is, then that's something you need to address. GEL
Lizzie60 Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 We do have someone who is at 33 and a half per day, but the question is...does posts per day indicate the level of obsession? There are many who read LS for many minutes per day even if their post count does not show it. The we ask....again....does this help said posters in their life, or does it replace their daily life, or does it hinder their daily life? I agree.. but when the LSers are posting incessantly plus reading/knowing each and everyone's story.. even posting 'links' of other members.. then there is a big problem.. IMO .. it is very sad.. those people have absolutely no life therefore creating a fantasy/make-up world of their own.. They live in complete denial .. Methink it completely replaces their daily life.
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I find this an interesting question. When I came here, most of the OW were actively in A's. The minority were in NC. I found that posting at LS about my own personal situation made my R worse. If I didn't post about my own situation and just posted to others, our R was a much happier place to be. So I didn't post that much about the day-to-day. LS was a place that I formed friendships with people who had similar problems to me and the bond became strong. I miss that now. Now I can see if you are NC and posting, it can keep the A right at the forefront when you should probably be just moving on. I think you have to decide whether it's an obsession and affecting your outside R's. And if it is, then that's something you need to address. GEL I agree with your observation. When I used to post about specifics while on the verge of leaving it made me focus on the R rather than moving away from it. OTOH, some might really need the support and encouragement to go NC but for me it just made me focus on the R.
outofthedark Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 LS has helped me to gain insight and not feel so alone. The positive messages, the negative feedback.. it is ALL a different perspective and thought provoking. I have found that it does help me to "put on my big girl britches" and confront my MM with issues that are bothering me. It helps me to put me first, something I haven't done in a long time. It has also helped with the guilt and shame that I have.
learnfrommymistakes Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Yes it has made things worse in some ways, I feel now that so many people cheat and lie and that trust is a very hard thing..and yet it also helps to know that other people are working through the same or similar things and that others really are not these bad/evil cheaters just to do it, but that we got caught in something unexpected where we had deep feelings and tried to end it or make it different but we just has a hard time. I admit i also am surprised by how many people have been in long term affairs where they saw their MM often, like weekly or more and i was just surprised so much of this goes on for so long. I dont know how i could ever have handled an affair up close in the same town as the W. I just would not have been able to do that, knowing who I am and how I think and the huge guilt that comes with it, or did, for me. So in a way this is a lifeline and has been such a comfort for me. I was on this site before, and came back. BUT yes in a way, several ways, it has made it worse. I felt my situation with my exMM was so so unique, unreal unique and when I came here, it seemed there were so many similar stories to a degree, so it made my situation feel less unique and less real in some ways...that perhaps i was the fool who believed, which is just not how i see myself, exept for this relationship. rambling again, sorry...lol have a good weekend LFMM
Heather1 Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 A little, I weave in & out of here. I mostly use LS to keep myself accountable for my actions & a place to figure stuff out, since absolutely no one knows my situation in real life. There also seems to be a cycle of A & I check to see what the future brings & how much pain I don't want to be the cause of. The only thing different in my situation than others is that the OM made it clear he will never love me. Everyone else seems to have had a "love" affair. I check in when I really need some help & am hurting & confused. Reading other people's stories makes me realize things could be a lot worse for me if I continue.
NowhereToHide Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I'm starting to think it all depends on the day and where I am in my journey. I received an email from my xAP the other day, and instead of immediately responding I came onto here and read some threads and made a few posts. It grounds me a bit and keeps my perspective on what my relationship is with him and why it can't go anywhere. But then, other days, when I am feeling stronger I think this place can bring me down. It can get me ruminating about my xAP more. So, I suppose it's here for me when I need it, and I need to stay away when it might push me backwards.
Phateless Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Does LS just make it harder for you to stop obsessing about your situation? Yes. (this text is only to appease the message length requirement. )
White Flower Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 Yes. (this text is only to appease the message length requirement. ) Smart. (I'll use your idea next time;))
MissJoness Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 yea it has helped a little. I start to feel bad for the wife now. Before I didn't
Thornton Posted November 1, 2009 Posted November 1, 2009 I think that out of all the sites I could post on, this is the one where I am best able to provide helpful advice. My negative experiences are not in vain if they allow me to advise someone else, which makes me feel somewhat better about them. I also find it cathartic to talk about my issues; the responses from other posters really help me to get things straight in my head. I find it comforting to know that I'm not the only one in this world who feels lost and lonely and sad.
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