Devil Inside Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I wonder. Does LS just make it harder for you to stop obsessing about your situation. I read many posts here and wonder...does it help your efforts of NC to talk about how much you loved your AP...I don't know...what do you all think?
tami-chan Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 No....it gives me perspective...that I have it a lot easier and better than many.
wheelwright Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I wonder if it is possible to make an obsession worse. Either you are obsessed or not? However, the obsession can be more or less destructive. For me, I like to come here, read and post, then turn the computer off and be done with it. I think it helps me to compartmentalise the obsession. It doesn't eat away at me so badly if I can communicate with others who are in the same boat. And it is also more healthy to walk around thinking about helpful comments from LS than just plain wishing you were in a cosy cottage with you xMM and no BSs in sight! As above poster said, you get more perspective, which has got to be good. Obsession tends to drive away all chance of that if left to run free.
MizFit Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 As our unofficial gury DI...what do you think? What's it done to you...helped or hindered? At this point I'm not obsessed about anything, but I tend to come through to listen and learn. I am a bit mixed about if I go LC or NC if it would make the obsession worse or not...I can see myself going either way, but I don't know as I'll truly know till the time comes.
2sure Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 DI...the "obsession". With infidelity, both the A partner's and the BS can lean this way. For the AP...coming here and talking about the affair, their partner, what they did, what they miss....is certainly an avenue not just to process, but also a way to continue the affair. To come here, talk about the details, etc...in a way just keeps it tangible, alive. For the BS...the obsession with finding out, the need to know, the detective crap all can become almost a hobby. A distraction. Even when one chooses reconciliation and the whole process that goes with it...by reading the details of others, by talking about your own...you kind of keep the wound fresh. Theres a line somewhere. I'm not sure where.
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 no....it gives me perspective...that i have it a lot easier and better than many. ditto!! .........
howcouldInotknow Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It has helped me deal with a lot of the shame and humiliation I felt after realizing I was the other woman.
Jacky Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It gives me a different view of things, don't know if it makes my obesession better or not. Reading other people's stories gives me an idea of sometimes what to think and say to MW.
Fallen Angel Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 For me I think the "obsession" with My MM will still be there regardless of if I am here on LS or not, but if I am here posting and reading, at least I am not sending him syrupy emails claiming my undying love and devotion. LS is an outlet for me OTHER THAN HIM, and for that I am grateful.
Morelikeher Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Yes, I believe in some ways it truly is an obsession for me. When he left me to go back to his W, I felt so lost. I was already obsessed - grasping for answers, hope, support... I had no closure - not that there is in this situation. I have found a lot of perspective and insight at LS. Sometimes reading other posts makes me feel encouraged. I have no one that I can talk to about this. It probably feeds it too, but it seems to help me get through it, so why not?
delajoonal Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 i am not the OW, but the BS...i find LS has helped me tremendously. at first i just lurked, as i am sure many of us do. then i posted my long story...and i found the more i read of responses and other peoples post, the more i was informed on how i got where i was emotionally, why my H did what he did, which i can basially only speculate... do we ever really know why they do what they do.. but at least with LS, i was able to vent, and read other stories and connect with other people just like me, in my shoes, feeling the same feelings... AND i also connected believe it or not, with a few OW...and to be honest, these OW gave me more perspective and knowledge than most... they hellped give me back some self esteem and insight on to what how why this happened...and because each A is completely unique, as i always say/post, i was able to freely share my story and had so many OW step up and give their support and answers to questions i would have never gotten anywhere else, let alone from my H or his OW... LS has given me so much, i don't even know where to being.. also, with so much time passing, and learning so much from LS, i am able to offer my shoulder to cry on, an ear to vent too, or even at times, my advice or opinion. i couldn't be happier with the decision to choose LS then if it were a 300 dollar an hour therapists..LOL thanks DI..great topic:)
fooled once Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 DI I belong to a couple step sites (for step parenting). Many times over the years, I have had to step away from them because of all the negativity and stepkid hating. The evil names many people come up with for the ex wife (you know, the woman who had the childre with their NOW husband, you know, the woman that forced that man to marry them and have sex with them ) The vulgarity and mean spiritedness gets bad at times. When you are around negativity for so long, you take that into your home and 'share' it with your family. Being around that isn't good for the soul. No one wanted to talk about the good things the step kids did, they only wanted to talk about the negatives; such as not liking the food the stepmom slaved to cook, not picking up socks, etc... Heck, so many of these step moms hated these kids because of who their mother is, the fact that they look like the mother, etc. It becomes too much at times. So I believe that if a person is around 'something' for a while, it does start to invade their thoughts more, their actions, etc.
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think there's a point where a person needs to talk about what's bugging them, and then there comes a point when they will feel the need to stop talking about it and go within to process it. I did that - I talked and talked about it and then I decided I was done. I think it becomes unhealthy when a person never makes any progress and can't move on.
confusedinkansas Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think it becomes unhealthy when a person never makes any progress and can't move on. I agree 100% & I see it here very frequently. Taking a break from LS from time to time - for me - helps to keep all of that in perspective.
Lizzie60 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I wonder. Does LS just make it harder for you to stop obsessing about your situation. I read many posts here and wonder...does it help your efforts of NC to talk about how much you loved your AP...I don't know...what do you all think? I can see a few scenarios where LS can make it harder for some members. (no names, it can apply to more than one) Scenario 1: A LSer comes here with the same problem, over and over, gets great advices.. but still posts the same freaken problems for months even years.. as if the advices were not taken.. :rolleyes: or they simply choose the advice that better suit them.. (to remain in their misery). I think this is not healthy. Scenario 2: A LSer make up a 'fantasy' perfect world.. constantly posting about how perfect his/her life is.. how everyone else's sucks.. everything is 'invented' for whatever reason..(I guess they are very unhappy and need to make up a 'fantasy' world. This one is harder to understand.. In both cases, I ignore the threads.. Oh and I can add another scenario: A LSer spends every single 'awake' minute on LS... also not healthy.. something is missing in their life.. all of those scenarios are unhealthy ... because it is some kind of obsession.. and in all cases, the obsession is somehow 'nourished' by the forums.. sad
NowhereToHide Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I wonder. Does LS just make it harder for you to stop obsessing about your situation. I read many posts here and wonder...does it help your efforts of NC to talk about how much you loved your AP...I don't know...what do you all think? DI -- you are still in the process of grieving. Setbacks are part of progress. You have made tremendous strides and will continue to do so. You are making all of the right decisions, including coming on here for support. LS CAN be a healthy source of help as long as people are on here for the right reasons. First, it's great to come on here to lurk and read other people's stories. It helps to know that you are not alone and that the feelings that you are experiences are universal. Second, it then becomes helpful to start posting about your particular situation. Letting people know where you are in the process and asking specific questions about the experiences of others. It is also helpful to post when you are feeling depressed or vulnerable to actions (like breaking NC). There are a lot of people on here that have been through it and are more than willing to get you through it. Thirdly, I think once you are in a little bit better place, you can start helping others. I think this can sometimes be the most cathartic part of these boards. Helping others through what you once went through and letting them know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel... that you were once there and to offer encouragement and compassion. This third phase I suppose can go on for some time. I think, at least for myself, I have gone back and forth between the second and third quite a bit, which I think is normal. And I think the third phase is only okay to stay in if you are still moving forward in your progress or if you have reconciled your issues surrounding the affair. If you end up stuck here, like 2Sure said, it can end up just being a way to keep the affair alive. And then I suppose there is a fourth phase, which is, you either decide to leave or you decide to stick around in a more limited role to comment or share your experience as you feel the need. But the key is being heathy at this stage, or coming back repeatedly can just open up old wounds. Knowing me, I will just need to disappear once I'm healed. I'm not the type of person that can remain talking about this difficult stuff forever. I think the pain for me will always be a little too close to the surface, so avoiding triggers will be key. So, anyway DI... stick around, keep posting. When you backslide we will all be here for you. We will get you through it as you have helped so many of us get through our hurt. Hang in there.
Confused4Now Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think there's a point where a person needs to talk about what's bugging them, and then there comes a point when they will feel the need to stop talking about it and go within to process it. I did that - I talked and talked about it and then I decided I was done. I think it becomes unhealthy when a person never makes any progress and can't move on. I have to agree with Angel on this one. I think in the beginning I needed to discuss it. Get things off my chest and get people's perspective on things. After I went NC I didn't want to discuss it or wanted to be reminded about it. I've pretty much detached myself from the situation. It did help me get out of the obsessive/addictive situation.
Author Devil Inside Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Thanks for all the feedback thus far. I think that what I am hearing come through all your words is BALANCE. Like everything else in life...balance really is the key. LS has been so helpful to me in so many ways...but sometimes I probably do spend too much time here. Taking a break here and there sounds very healthy.
JamesM Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 i couldn't be happier with the decision to choose LS then if it were a 300 dollar an hour therapists..LOL I only charge $100. Feel free to send me a check. Anyhow, I think it can cause someone to obsess about their situation. If one is in a marriage that has problems and keeps posting here, then for many of us, this post causes our problem to seem bigger than it is. We receive feedback and begin to look at things differently when in reality, we take the problem and lose the overall perspective of it as related to the health of the marriage. And if we are in an affair and we keep posting all of the details, then we lay ourselves open to criticism that ends up causing us to dwell on (usually) the bad parts of our affair. And that is worse when BSs come to an affair thread and point out how anyone in an affair should be ashamed...and perhaps even shot. Ls is very helpful and I find it to be so, too. However, if we find our situation seeming to be worse after we posted a thread about it, then perhaps we need to sit back and realize that we may have the wrong perspective. And as Lizzie said, those who spend so much time that they forget about reality (and you know who you are...just check how many posts a day your average is. ), then LS has not only caused you to obsess about your real life, LS has become an obsession in and of itself. Spoken from some experience.
OWoman Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I guess for LS to "make the obsession worse", there needs to be an obsession in the first place. Like the "addiction" thread suggests, I don't think that's so for all cases, or even most. For many people, an A is an R like any other - it goes through times of wondering what the other person is up to, and times of just basking in the wonderfulness of knowing it's there. And so, at times when people are wondering, it's natural for them to find others to wonder with - and here's a ready-made community of people to do just that. I've never been one for obsessing - I've got too much else on the go to invest too much time or energy in any one thing - but I'd guess that for people who do that, it's much the same as boring your GFs to tears by going on and on about why you BF dumped you when you were the perfect woman for him, and what DOES he see in that new bimbo he's hooked up with - she looks fat in those jeans, doesn't she know?
Spoiled Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I browsed threads for a long time prior to ever posting. Why? I had no knowledge in regards to infidelity. Very ignorant to the emotions involved, how to end it, the emotions after the A, and so much more. "NC", what is that, I tried to be friends with my xAP for a month or two after our last meeting. Honestly believing MC and IC would really help me while still communicating to xAP without others' knowledge. Absolutely clueless. LS posters helped me to initiate NC and helped me to maintain NC. Only when the withdrawal and obsessing began did I start posting. Sometimes it makes me miss him even more. Most of the time I hear and/or reminded of how my situation will become better.
Montclair0011 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It's not that it makes it worse, it's that it does not make it better. I can't imagine a day when I will not be in pain and obsessed. I do everything, including NC, that I'm supposed to but hey I still feel like crap. The shared experiences and the step-by-step directions for NC are invaluable. Without them, some of us, myself probably included, would be making embarrassing idiots out of ourselves. We'd be a few steps closer to Fatal Attraction activities like that woman involved with that sports journalist who wrote now published letters to his wife. We know from LS that she's never going to get him now! Had she been on LS, she'd probably not be having her letters published on the news today. But she'd be in the same amount of pain. The pain just never seems to end and that's why I think we keep trying to find and destroy the source of that. Were it as simple as a website, it would be so easy to fix.
ladydesigner Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Wow this is a great thread. If it were not for LS I think I would still be obsessing I do take an occasional break but I always come back when I feel like I am weak or in need of support. DI you were the one who I think made the most difference in me moving forward in my position to go NC. I have been NC for almost two months now and it feels great. I feel like I have gained a lot of my self-esteem back and am slowly regaining and finding my backbone and integrity again. It is far and few between that I am missing my xOM now and I feel I have truly let go of him. With the help of you and everyone one here on LS I have become a stronger person. Even in my recent discovery of what I believe is another affair that my H has had. The last affair discovery I immediately embarked on what I considered my affair to be: a revenge affair. I will not have an affair this time or any other time. It is because of LS that I have learned how detrimental and how wrong affairs are and they really accomplish nothing. Either work on the marriage, get out of the marriage, and so on so forth...at least for me. Thank you everyone on LS you have given me my life back.
Lizzie60 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I only charge $100. Feel free to send me a check. Anyhow, I think it can cause someone to obsess about their situation. If one is in a marriage that has problems and keeps posting here, then for many of us, this post causes our problem to seem bigger than it is. We receive feedback and begin to look at things differently when in reality, we take the problem and lose the overall perspective of it as related to the health of the marriage. And if we are in an affair and we keep posting all of the details, then we lay ourselves open to criticism that ends up causing us to dwell on (usually) the bad parts of our affair. And that is worse when BSs come to an affair thread and point out how anyone in an affair should be ashamed...and perhaps even shot. Ls is very helpful and I find it to be so, too. However, if we find our situation seeming to be worse after we posted a thread about it, then perhaps we need to sit back and realize that we may have the wrong perspective. And as Lizzie said, those who spend so much time that they forget about reality (and you know who you are...just check how many posts a day your average is. ), then LS has not only caused you to obsess about your real life, LS has become an obsession in and of itself. Spoken from some experience. I almost spit my tea in my screen... Again James darling.. well said..
mareile Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I have fallen into obsession with the EA w/ OM (long lost love) - its all fairly new the A having only started a month ago tomorrow, 9/22. I searched the internet (finding LS) to try to distract my attention enough to keep me from sending that email to AP, to see how others have dealt with this, to grieve. I just found and joined LS over the weekend. It's an incredible place. Some really strong people here... & the kind of advice and support needed.
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