shortstuff Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I have been dating my boyfriend for over 2 years. Most of our relationship has been long distance (about 4 hours away), but we get to spend summer together due to our jobs. I can talk to him about anything, his family has become a second family to me, and we share a lot of the same core values (religion, politics, etc). HOWEVER, there has been a repeating theme of him putting his friends before me. We're both understanding people; we know that because of the distance that if we're with other friends, we can't always talk. The problem comes that he will blow me off for days at a time because of his friends, and if he does answer his phone to have a conversation, he doesn't say anything. Even when he isn't with his friends, he will not talk or narrate what's going on in sports or his video games. Also, he is horrible in bed. He thinks he knows what he is doing down there, but he doesn't. He's very focused on getting his needs met. Despite these problems, I love him. He is the first guy I can look at and see myself marrying. The second guy I have fallen for is my best friend. We've always had a relationship that has been more than friends but never a couple. I can talk to him about ALMOST anything, I get along well with his family, and I have known him for over 5 years. About three months ago, he moved about a half hour away from me and we started seeing each other at least 3 times a week. It only made sense; he is my best friend. About a month and a half ago though, I began to suspect that he did like me as more than a friend. I voiced my concerns to my boyfriend who blew it off as nothing. I believed him. A month ago, my best friend kissed me after pouring his heart out to me about how he's loved me for the last 4.5 years. Freaking out, I called my boyfriend in hysterics about what had happened. He didn't respond. My boyfriend simply told me that I shouldn't feel bad since I didn't kiss him. Ever since I kissed my best friend, we've been talking more and more. He's recently been diagnosed with depression and really needs someone to help him through it. The problem is the more and more we talk and the more I see him, the more I find myself wanting to kiss him. Then it happened. He came over to watch a movie and we fell asleep on the couch together. The next thing I know is that I feel someone placing kisses all over my body. At this point, I'm not quite awake and am unsure what's going on. When he kissed me on the lips, I thought for a moment I was dreaming because my boyfriend only kissed me this well in my dreams. When my shirt came off, however, I knew that I was wide awake and that it was my best friend who was making me feel amazing. Shamefully, I let him continue for a while before I had to push him away. We didn't have sex, but we came close. I've tried talking to my boyfriend about it, but he keeps changing the topic. I know he isn't comfortable with what I have to say, but I feel like he doesn't care. Additionally, I can't stop thinking about both of them. My boyfriend and I have a much deeper emotional connection that my best friend and I, but I've realized that I have a stronger sexual attraction to my best friend than my boyfriend. I feel safe with my boyfriend and I know he can offer me the security that I need; however, my best friend is more questionable. My boyfriend is in the army and leaves for basic soon. I don't want to drag this out any longer than it has. I have no idea what I should do...
ADF Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 What should you do? Toughen the @#% up already! Unless these two men are willing to tolerate each other's presence--and your post suggests they aren't--you need to stop wringing your hands and make a decision.
mark982 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 you need to drop both men. first one because,yo're really not in love with your bf. if you were you wouldn't keep seeing the other guy(best friend or not) second one because,he'd just be hooking up with a cheater,great way to start a relationship.
Holding-On Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Drop your boyfriend. I mean why is he your boyfriend exactly? He blows you off. For DAYS at a time. He does not think anything you think is a big deal is a big deal, even things that most people would think would be. Please drop him. Honestly it seems to me that he dropped you long ago but doesn't have the energy/intelligence/concern to bother to let you know. How often does he arrange to come down and see you, to be the one to initiate a conversation (and I mean for something other than an ego rub) or send you romantic letters. ?? You grew apart. You don't have to stay together. I've never had a boyfriend that didn't call me for days. That is just weird. Call him up and break up with him. Try going out with your best friend. Good luck.
norajane Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) Drop both of them. If you can't decide, then you really aren't into either one of them so much. To me, it sounds like you're using this friend to make your bf jealous, and it's bothering you that your bf doesn't want to talk about it. Really, what is there that you want to talk about and what can your bf say? Do you want to tell him that you love bf, but have a stronger sexual connection with friend? What is your bf supposed to say to that other than "goodbye"? Oh, and you need to TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for sleeping with your friend. It comes off as total BS when you say this as though it's some kind of excuse or explanation: At this point, I'm not quite awake and am unsure what's going on. When he kissed me on the lips, I thought for a moment I was dreaming because my boyfriend only kissed me this well in my dreams. When my shirt came off, however, I knew that I was wide awake and that it was my best friend who was making me feel amazing. Shamefully, I let him continue for a while before I had to push him away. It happened, you were a part of it, and you barely stopped from having sex. It's still cheating, by the way, even though you didn't go all the way. Own it. Edited October 21, 2009 by norajane
jnj express Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 The way your BF treats you, how can you say you love him----your blameshifting on your BF, as an excuse to mess around with the OM----if you are so in love with your BF, the OM, can't really be a best friend----that should be your BF. OM, also knows you are/were in a relationship, and should not be messing around sexually with you----so he is not exactly a good guy either-----You are kind of screwed up here---neither of these guys is worth having a long term relationship with. Your BF is indifferent and puts others before you, and your so-called best friend has caused you to cheat on your BF, so he is worthless also----get out from under and start clean
Dexter Morgan Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 My boyfriend is in the army and leaves for basic soon. I don't want to drag this out any longer than it has. I have no idea what I should do... someone in the army and is going to be deployed all over the place, doesn't need to be in a foreign land worrying about whether or not his so-called gf is back home cheating on him. break up with your bf then you can do whoever you want. your bf doesn't need this.
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