Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

[hopesndreams]

His actions left marks that no one can see. Anyone capable of doing that, terrifying you, must have done other things as well. Keep thinking of the bad things he has done. You need to paint a picture of what he really looks like and not look at that glossy head shot where he looks so perfect because of all the airbrushing.

[broken hearted]

Tojaz, yes, that was the only time anything was ever remotely physical but you've got to believe me when I say that I did treat him horribly! There were times when I belittled him bc of his extensive sexual past before we started dating. This all came after our son was born bc I was suffering from post partum depression, not bc of who I really am. The time after our son was born until the time he left was not a good representation of who I really am at all yet he keeps using all those things from that timeframe to describe me as a wife, person, and how our marriage was! Everything was amazing before this and I was an amazing wife and told him everyday how much I loved him and how happy he made me!

[tojaz]

Tojaz, yes, that was the only time anything was ever remotely physical but you've got to believe me when I say that I did treat him horribly! There were times when I belittled him bc of his extensive sexual past before we started dating. This all came after our son was born bc I was suffering from post partum depression, not bc of who I really am. The time after our son was born until the time he left was not a good representation of who I really am at all yet he keeps using all those things from that timeframe to describe me as a wife, person, and how our marriage was! Everything was amazing before this and I was an amazing wife and told him everyday how much I loved him and how happy he made me!

 

Thats him rewriting the history to serve his own selfish needs! It has nothing to do with you or anything you did. He found something to justify his actions and he ran with it. Thats all! He found the wea spot and opened it up in order to exploit it.

 

You belittled him for his extensive sexual experience? He sure picked a funny way of showing thats behind him!

 

Just going to warn you now Broken. I have a fesh case of beer and just had dinner. If you want to keep beating yourself up, I have all night!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Yes, one time we had an argument. I went into the bathroom and locked the door to cool down. He tried to come in to see if I was ok and I wouldn't open the door so...he ripped the door and the trim off of the wall and grabbed my arms and pulled me out of the bathroom. I swung at him and connected...his actions left no marks, I left a black eye!

 

Broken, you defended yourself when he terrified you, who wouldn't have? Until you posted this, you thought you were in the wrong here, you need to post all the other things, b/c I'm telling you now, he has you conrtolled into beleiving he treated you right, when he didn't.

 

Tojaz, yes, that was the only time anything was ever remotely physical but you've got to believe me when I say that I did treat him horribly! There were times when I belittled him bc of his extensive sexual past before we started dating. This all came after our son was born bc I was suffering from post partum depression, not bc of who I really am. The time after our son was born until the time he left was not a good representation of who I really am at all yet he keeps using all those things from that timeframe to describe me as a wife, person, and how our marriage was! Everything was amazing before this and I was an amazing wife and told him everyday how much I loved him and how happy he made me!

 

Broken, YOU WERE UNWELL. If he had alziemers and was shouting at you and abusive and hitting you, would you go off and have an affair? NO, of course you wouldn't. The point is you weren't well, you weren't yourself and b/c he can only think of himself, instead of helping you through an illness which you had no control over, he choose to be completely selfish, go off with another women and blame you for it. Twist everything, rewrite it to justify his actions to himself, the fact he has to do this just goes to show that even deep down he knows he has done wrong.

[broken hearted]

Well, why can't he see this? Why hasn't his counselor told him this? I know I wasn't well and I know it wasn't ME but why can't his counselor make him see that? Probably wouldn't make a difference anyway, he hates me...I must have really made him miserable!

[tojaz]

Well, why can't he see this? Why hasn't his counselor told him this? I know I wasn't well and I know it wasn't ME but why can't his counselor make him see that? Probably wouldn't make a difference anyway, he hates me...I must have really made him miserable!

 

Broken, You didn't make him anything! How could you? Hes the one the one that chose to step out rather then working through the issues that existed. Hes the one that betrayed you, not the other way around! Hes on;y going to see what suits his purposes right now, everything else is lost in the haze. If he hates you, then he is doing everything in his power to keep that in him and thats the reality he chooses to live and what hes relaying to his counselor.

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

From FL98s Thread....

On second thought...don't do it! She doesn't respect you or your marriage! She knows you love her, she knows you care, she knows you'd take her back! You are a doormat that she will come crawling back to when she's done with her boytoy! My stbx has no respect for me either...he knows I love him, he knows I will never stop loving him, and he knows he can do whatever he wants and thinks I will take him back at any point no matter what! They don't deserve us and they know it but they also know our love is blinding us from seeing that and, therefore, they continue to disrespect us and our marriage and history!

 

Way to go Broken!!!

To tell you the truth even with all my posting to others, I really needed to hear this today, and I'm so glad your the one that said it.

Keep your head up Broken,!!!!

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

First of all, I'm so sorry that you had to find out that information today. I would be in pieces as well, and with no children to live for...

 

Second of all, I pity your husband's counselor. He/She must sit there for an hour, nodding his/her head, all the while secretly thinking that your husband is one of the most selfish people ever to present themselves to therapy.

 

This is if your stbx is telling even half the truth about your relationship to his counselor. And if he isn't? Then he is getting NOTHING from the experience, he is not growing, and he will be left to deal with his guilt for the rest of his days, once he comes back to reality. If he lies to his counselor then he is lying to himself. Tojaz is right - he's doing anything to justify his actions.

 

I have no doubt that your stbx will be more screwed than you in the long run for what he has done. You are going to be stronger, but those days are still aways away.

[trippi1432]

Backslide # 183,938,393,455,082! So, we live in a really small town and after months of my stbxh swearing up and down that he hasn't seen the OW since I found out about them, he was seen sitting in her car waiting for her to come out of the liquor store last night. My friend's sister saw him and told me.

 

I have been crying and shaking uncontrollably since I found this out about 2.5 hours ago. Why, I'm not sure, we're separated and divorce is pending. What hurts the most is the continued lack of respect for me, our children, our families, and all the lies. Again, why...I really believed him when he said he wasn't seeing her anymore. This pain is becoming more and more unbearable everyday instead of subsiding. I truly believe that if it weren't for me having two children who rely on me and who need me, I may have taken my own life today...that's how severe the pain was and how badly I just wanted to escape it.

 

I believe with every ounce of who I am that I will never EVER get over this man or recover from what he's done or how everything has transpired.

 

Broken - my heart goes out to you....I know exactly how you feel, having two kids myself....you want to protect them and you live for them...I've done that for years for my own, married or not.

 

Sometimes in life you give up the things you really WANT so much...the things that genuinely make you happy, but you know are wrong because you just know that they will never "fit" in your world.

 

Don't fall for the ex's lies, once a cheater, always a cheater....mine is exactly like this...protect your heart...it's been written so many times on the LS boards....what you really don't see here is moving on and how hard that really is.

[broken hearted]

I still want to just escape...someway, somehow, just to disappear and escape everything! I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm back to not being able to eat or sleep, crying uncontrollably, screaming at my stbx for hurting me and disrespecting me so bad.

 

I guess the only good thing that can come out of this is maybe I will lose a few lbs in the divorce diet since I wasn't able to do so the first time around bc I was pregnant!! Another 10 lbs and I will be back to my high school weight...he'll regret it then!!!

[tojaz]

I still want to just escape...someway, somehow, just to disappear and escape everything! I didn't sleep a wink last night. I'm back to not being able to eat or sleep, crying uncontrollably, screaming at my stbx for hurting me and disrespecting me so bad.

 

I guess the only good thing that can come out of this is maybe I will lose a few lbs in the divorce diet since I wasn't able to do so the first time around bc I was pregnant!! Another 10 lbs and I will be back to my high school weight...he'll regret it then!!!

 

You can't escape your own thoughts Broken. I know I've tried! I still try sometimes. Screaming at the ex is good, use that anger! He betrayed you and disrespected you and your family, he deserves everything you can dish out!

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

Oh Tojaz, you have no idea the kind of things that come rolling off of my tongue at him...I had no idea it was possible to love and hate somebody so much at the same time. I had no idea it was possible to be so angry and hurt by someone that all you want to do it say anything possible to make them feel even 1/1,000,000 of the pain that I feel. There's not enough time in a lifetime for me to be able to tell him how much I hate him for everything he's done to me, how much he's hurt me, how disgusting he is, how much he'll someday when he's 50 and alone regret all of this, how good he had it, the kind of trash he gave it all up for...I CANNOT CONTROL MY ANGER TOWARDS HIM MOST DAYS AND YESTERDAY'S DISCOVERY BROUGHT IT ALL BACK TENFOLD.

[tojaz]

Oh Tojaz, you have no idea the kind of things that come rolling off of my tongue at him...I had no idea it was possible to love and hate somebody so much at the same time. I had no idea it was possible to be so angry and hurt by someone that all you want to do it say anything possible to make them feel even 1/1,000,000 of the pain that I feel. There's not enough time in a lifetime for me to be able to tell him how much I hate him for everything he's done to me, how much he's hurt me, how disgusting he is, how much he'll someday when he's 50 and alone regret all of this, how good he had it, the kind of trash he gave it all up for...I CANNOT CONTROL MY ANGER TOWARDS HIM MOST DAYS AND YESTERDAY'S DISCOVERY BROUGHT IT ALL BACK TENFOLD.

 

Thats a lot healthier then thinking he walks on water and carrying the weight of this on your shoulders. He deserves your anger, hell I'm pissed at him and never even met the guy!

[2.50 a gallon]

Broken Hearted

 

I don't want to sound like a broke record but your H quite simply is not a man. You were sick and lashed out at him. Guess what, you are not the only one to have done this. This happens in most male / female relationships, unfortunately it is part of life.

 

Yes I have a great and fantastic love in my life. But she is human. When we began dating, she was like you, very badly hurt. Not once, but twice, first with an abusive H and a second time by her long term live in BF. From the beginning she more than made it abundantly clear that she did not trust men, we were all lower than pond scum, and she never wanted to love again. We began dating with the understanding she still needed male companionship and my place in her life was as a safe friend with benefits and nothing more.

 

I never was one to follow the rules and I fell for her. It was a difficult situation, and it got even more difficult when she began to develop strong feelings for me. This scared her and in order to protect herself she attempted to emotionally pull away from me. We hardly ever had any fights, but that was only because I just walked away. I know women hate for men to say this, but it was true, about once a month I had to listen to the most vile sh*t a lover can say. For a day or two she more than hated me. I was approaching 50, and I never was a dream boat, so she had a lot of material to belittle me with. "I know you want me to love you, but there is no way I could ever love a ____ "(you fill in the blank as I really have forgotten)

 

Thankfully for us, her actions did not match her words, and try as she might to not say it, she was already slipping and telling me that she was in love with me. All I could do was be a man, suck it up and come back tomorrow.

 

When she went off on me, I knew that she was not lying, she really meant what she said, but I also knew that this was her alter ego talking, she was temporarily sick and I could not take anything she said personally.

 

I am just as guilty as she is, as I have been known to say hurtful things to her. Sometimes as a man or a woman in a relationship, you just have to suck it up, let them have their say, and keep on loving them. That is the way a real man handles it. I know I have said it before, your H is still a boy in a man's body. He might never grow up

 

I have long forgotten the words she used to attack me. What I do remember is she woke me this morning with a kiss and a ILY. I have heard those words from her thousands of times, but I cherish each time she tells me this. That is how a man treat his woman.

[2.50 a gallon]

Broken Hearted

 

I don't want to sound like a broke record but your H quite simply is not a man. You were sick and lashed out at him. Guess what, you are not the only one to have done this. This happens in most male / female relationships, unfortunately it is part of life.

 

Yes I have a great and fantastic love in my life. But she is human. When we began dating, she was like you, very badly hurt. Not once, but twice, first with an abusive H and a second time by her long term live in BF. From the beginning she more than made it abundantly clear that she did not trust men, we were all lower than pond scum, and she never wanted to love again. We began dating with the understanding she still needed male companionship and my place in her life was as a safe friend with benefits and nothing more.

 

I never was one to follow the rules and I fell for her. It was a difficult situation, and it got even more difficult when she began to develop strong feelings for me. This scared her and in order to protect herself she attempted to emotionally pull away from me. We hardly ever had any fights, but that was only because I just walked away. I know women hate for men to say this, but it was true, about once a month I had to listen to the most vile sh*t a lover can say. For a day or two she more than hated me. I was approaching 50, and I never was a dream boat, so she had a lot of material to belittle me with. "I know you want me to love you, but there is no way I could ever love a ____ "(you fill in the blank as I really have forgotten)

 

Thankfully for us, her actions did not match her words, and try as she might to not say it, she was already slipping and telling me that she was in love with me. All I could do was be a man, suck it up and come back tomorrow.

 

When she went off on me, I knew that she was not lying, she really meant what she said, but I also knew that this was her alter ego talking, she was temporarily sick and I could not take anything she said personally.

 

I am just as guilty as she is, as I have been known to say hurtful things to her. Sometimes as a man or a woman in a relationship, you just have to suck it up, let them have their say, and keep on loving them. That is the way a real man handles it. I know I have said it before, your H is still a boy in a man's body. He might never grow up

 

I have long forgotten the words she used to attack me. What I do remember is she woke me this morning with a kiss and a ILY. I have heard those words from her thousands of times, but I cherish each time she tells me this. That is how a man treat his woman.

[tojaz]

Great post Gallon! You sir, are a MAN!

 

Broken, bottom line is this. Love and marriage are celebrated and enjoyed because of how we treat the good times, but they are built and strengthened in the bad. When things got bad for him, he stepped out, while you tried to save it. Thats what love is, doing what ever you can to preserve it, to protect it against all threats. Sorry for saying this, but in my eyes, you were married, but he never was.

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

Struggling this morning....AGAIN!! What else is new!?!?! I can't stop thinking about every memory and how damn much I miss what we had. Everything is a trigger lately...EVERYTHING!!! I walk outside and smell the autumn air and I'm reminded of all the way back in high school and going to watch his football games...I never missed one, I busted my butt after my soccer practices so I wasn't late, was there every game with his jersey and his number painted on my face. The sight of a christmas tree reminds me of walking through the fields of the tree farms as a family searching for the perfect tree to cut down. Everytime a Cabelas catalog comes in the mail, I'm reminded of his bc I bought clothes for him out of there frequently. The sight of our calendar hanging on the wall kills me...I made him a personalized photo calendar every year for Christmas with all our special photos covering each month (already made him and ordered him his for this year even though I know I shouldn't have). Seeing pictures of all my friends on facebook at weddings with their husbands or in their family Halloween pictures makes me cry everytime. We're having the first snowfall here in VT this morning and all I can picture is the two of us outside playing in the snow like we used to...like the kids at heart we both are. I see the snow and I'm reminded at how sweet he used to be, cleaning my car off at 5 am before he headed off to work so that I didn't have to later. The smell of coffee brings me to my knees as he was an avid coffee drinker. I had no idea this was all coming and I can't accept it yet...why??? Every everything has a memory that brings me to my knees and sends me into a spiraling crying spell, every smell, every sight, every touch, every movie, every song, EVERYTHING! I had so many plans for us, for our family, now it's all gone and it hurts so bad. He wanted a new muzzleloader gun for hunting so I bought him a new one for our Anniversary. I never gave it to him bc of everything that transpired and he doesn't know I bought it. I was in the middle of planning him a huge surprise birthday party with all of his old friends from high school and colllege who are now scattered about the country. I had started a secret savings acct. to save up to take him to Ireland as he always wanted to go there.

 

I struggle everyday to understand how my stbx cannot miss me. We spent close to half our lives together. How can he not miss everything we did together for 11 years? How was Thanksgiving not hard for him? How is the thought of spending Christmas separately and not as a family not hard for him? How does hearing our wedding song not trigger any emotion or memory from him? How do I simply not exist to him anymore? How does our history, our marriage, our memories, our everything just not exist to him anymore? Why doesn't the smell of the autumn air not bring back memories of my cheering for him in the football stands or him cheering for me during my soccer games? Why doesn't the sight of a hockey stick make him remember how amazing of a person/girlfriend/friend/wife/mother I was? I used to bust my butt after my basketball practices to get to all his hockey games, home or away. He bought me hockey skates one year for christmas so we could go out on the lakes and ponds and skate together and play hockey. I JUST DON'T GET IT! WHY IS THERE NO EMOTION, NO MISSING, NO TRIGGERS, NO ANYTHING FROM HIM?

Edited November 30, 2009 by broken hearted

[nobmagnet]

its because he is a lowly worm.

[broken hearted]

It's like he has no heart at all...

[tojaz]

Broken, I was going to write you a long PM about that post after I had some time to think, not really at my best right now. but since your here. I just wanted to tell you not to loo at it the way you are. Hes trying very hard to block all of that out. Its a tool the WA'S use in order to justify their actions. Nothing good is getting through in his mind, you see the history as it was, the way it should be remembered, he has rewritten it for himself where those loving moments never happened. You know how it really went. All I can hear is what a fantastic wife you were, any man would give anything to have that for their own. As we have already discussed though, this is not a man we are talking about here, and you know that.

 

Not my best post, but I hope you get what i'm saying.

TOJAZ

[soheartbroken]

Hi Broken.

 

Of course you're having a bad morning! Your husband screwed you over! You deserve to vent. I'm always here listening. I can definitely see the PTSD coming into play.

 

There's not much I can say. It's just going to take a long time for the pain to subside. I'm sorry that I have no advice. I just know that there is nothing new that I can say that will make you feel any better.

 

But I totally get it. Your memories of your husband are of this wonderful man, but right now he's just an alien...yet deep down you think that wonderful guy might still be there. It's so hard. I have the same thoughts. I can read emails from my ex before the split and then after and it's a totally different person.

 

We all struggle to understand why they suddenly don't care about us anymore, or why they don't miss us. It's so f*cked up. How did human beings evolve like this? Part of the answer, of course, is that they pull away before they actually pull the trigger, because they are cowards or immature or dumb or inexperienced with relationships or not raised properly etc. Perhaps that is the whole answer...I don't know.

 

I'm just rambling now. But I want you to know that I can see how much pain you're in and I understand what torture that is. Especially with the new info you discovered.

 

I know you're going to hang in there anyway, so I don't even have to say it.

[broken hearted]

Does anyone know if it's TRULY safe to take anti-depressants while nursing? I don't think I can do this by myself anymore, the pain is just too intense. Nothing gives me pleasure anymore, I wouldn't get out of bed if it weren't for my children. This pain and depression is too much to handle on my own anymore. My children are getting a pretty sh***y mother right now. I simply just can't take it any longer!!

[LisaUk]

Struggling this morning....AGAIN!! What else is new!?!?! I can't stop thinking about every memory and how damn much I miss what we had. Everything is a trigger lately...EVERYTHING!!! I walk outside and smell the autumn air and I'm reminded of all the way back in high school and going to watch his football games...I never missed one, I busted my butt after my soccer practices so I wasn't late, was there every game with his jersey and his number painted on my face. The sight of a christmas tree reminds me of walking through the fields of the tree farms as a family searching for the perfect tree to cut down. Everytime a Cabelas catalog comes in the mail, I'm reminded of his bc I bought clothes for him out of there frequently. The sight of our calendar hanging on the wall kills me...I made him a personalized photo calendar every year for Christmas with all our special photos covering each month (already made him and ordered him his for this year even though I know I shouldn't have). Seeing pictures of all my friends on facebook at weddings with their husbands or in their family Halloween pictures makes me cry everytime. We're having the first snowfall here in VT this morning and all I can picture is the two of us outside playing in the snow like we used to...like the kids at heart we both are. I see the snow and I'm reminded at how sweet he used to be, cleaning my car off at 5 am before he headed off to work so that I didn't have to later. The smell of coffee brings me to my knees as he was an avid coffee drinker. I had no idea this was all coming and I can't accept it yet...why??? Every everything has a memory that brings me to my knees and sends me into a spiraling crying spell, every smell, every sight, every touch, every movie, every song, EVERYTHING! I had so many plans for us, for our family, now it's all gone and it hurts so bad. He wanted a new muzzleloader gun for hunting so I bought him a new one for our Anniversary. I never gave it to him bc of everything that transpired and he doesn't know I bought it. I was in the middle of planning him a huge surprise birthday party with all of his old friends from high school and colllege who are now scattered about the country. I had started a secret savings acct. to save up to take him to Ireland as he always wanted to go there.

 

I struggle everyday to understand how my stbx cannot miss me. We spent close to half our lives together. How can he not miss everything we did together for 11 years? How was Thanksgiving not hard for him? How is the thought of spending Christmas separately and not as a family not hard for him? How does hearing our wedding song not trigger any emotion or memory from him? How do I simply not exist to him anymore? How does our history, our marriage, our memories, our everything just not exist to him anymore? Why doesn't the smell of the autumn air not bring back memories of my cheering for him in the football stands or him cheering for me during my soccer games? Why doesn't the sight of a hockey stick make him remember how amazing of a person/girlfriend/friend/wife/mother I was? I used to bust my butt after my basketball practices to get to all his hockey games, home or away. He bought me hockey skates one year for christmas so we could go out on the lakes and ponds and skate together and play hockey. I JUST DON'T GET IT! WHY IS THERE NO EMOTION, NO MISSING, NO TRIGGERS, NO ANYTHING FROM HIM?

 

Broken, this is exactly how I feel. You have expressed it way better than I ever could have. I don't get it either, how can my ex not miss me at all?

 

Broken, I was going to write you a long PM about that post after I had some time to think, not really at my best right now. but since your here. I just wanted to tell you not to loo at it the way you are. Hes trying very hard to block all of that out. Its a tool the WA'S use in order to justify their actions. Nothing good is getting through in his mind, you see the history as it was, the way it should be remembered, he has rewritten it for himself where those loving moments never happened. You know how it really went. All I can hear is what a fantastic wife you were, any man would give anything to have that for their own. As we have already discussed though, this is not a man we are talking about here, and you know that.

 

Not my best post, but I hope you get what i'm saying.

TOJAZ

 

Tojaz is 100% right. The day my ex left me he said "you have said your self you have noticed me puuling away form you when you hug me" I said "yes, in the last week" he said "no I've been pulling away for a long time (physically), a year or so now" This simply isn't true, he even had me thinking about it for some time after he left, but I know 100% this is not true, I did not miss it, he was affectionate and intitiating affection right up until a few days before he left. My point, he really beleived what he was saying to me. He really HAS rewritten history in his mind, complete and total denial, one thing about denial though as anyone who has studied Psyche 101 can tell you, at some point, it comes back to bite you on the b*m. He will not get away with this forever broken, at some point what he has done will hit him and he will have to deal with it. Hopefully by then, you will have found love with someone who truely deserves you.

[broken hearted]

My 2 year old just looked at me and said, "it's ok mommy, don't cry, you'll feel better if you stop crying." This really is affecting my ability to be the kind of mother that I want to be.

[soheartbroken]

I'm sorry. I don't know anything about anti-depressants and nursing. I do believe that the intensity of the pain will subside if you give it some time, but I can definitely understand wanting medication. Are you regularly seeing a counselor/therapist? Talking to a counselor about medication would be a good idea, in addition to a doctor (doctors prescribe so quickly though, with little information).

 

I also really want to add: it's okay if your children see you cry once in a while. You can tell them that you're sad (without placing any blame). I know that when my parents split up, it just wasn't talked about. No one encouraged me to discuss my feelings, my dad didn't show any sadness, only anger, and so I bottled everything up. And this is part of the reason why my feelings are so god-damned intense right now! Because I had a lot of baggage from my past...

 

So don't be too hard on yourself for showing your children that it's okay to be sad, and that it's okay to cry, that crying can actually help. They should be able to express their sadness too. You've all suffered a big loss.