broken hearted Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 I seem to be having a much harder time accepting my situation and beginning to move forward than most others. I have vivid dreams about my husband still and also have dreams where he and the OW are both in them. I cry every single day, I am very depressed, I just can't seem to shake these feelings no matter how much I try and tell myself I'm better off with the divorce. I can't shake the feelings of wanting to be a family and I can't seem to shake the anger that I have towards my husband. I hate his for what he's done to me, to our children, to our marriage, and I really hate that he just gave up, didn't give our family or our 11 year history a chance to be happy again. My poor daughter was put through hell the entire time I was carrying her bc of what my husband was putting me through. She came into this world with her parent's divorcing. I get vivid pictures and flashbacks daily. The flashback that I can't seem to shake is the day my husband disclosed to me that he had been sleeping with another woman. For those of you who don't know my story, check out my thread "Still heart broken and terrified I may never recover." I truly believe that I may be suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress disorder after all the events that have transpired in my life over the last 8 months. Is this possible?? Link to post Share on other sites
Auroracoladybug Posted October 20, 2009 Share Posted October 20, 2009 BH I think that it may indeed be possible for you...I am not nearly ready to give up my family or my H...trust me you are not being left behind in any way...moving forward is at our own pace period. I feel that I have grown so much and found some of the confidence in myself that I was missing way back when...so quit degrading yourself for having dreams about the H or not being where you think you should be...If you are physically taking care of yourself and your kids then that is step one...step two make plans for you and the kids... We talked before about getting a "vacation" with the kids...did you get it? You can PM me anytime...I am not on all the time and I get on often and read without posting but I am here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Broken hearted Have you seen an IC? This situation is toxic, for you and your children you need to find a way to suck out the poison. Please keep posting here, you are amongst friends. I read your post on Lisa's latest thread, you do have hope of finding someone new in the future. This is good, keep the faith and it will happen. I did not have similar hopes, I was a coward and I was deteremined to never fall in love again. I spent a good 15 years running. I thought I was safe. And I still got caught. Love Conquers All! Resistance is futile! Gallon Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Broken, I wouldn't call it a disorder. You have had a lot of stress to deal with, more then a lot of the people here who are "only" going through a divorce. To cope with this and the other losses in your life, all while trying to be a single mother and pregnant. It takes time to heal and to regain yourself. Your not alone in that, there are a lot of poor souls who fall back into dispair because of some dream or other trigger. I still do. In watching your posts, your finding new ways to get it out, both through posting on others threads and through your poetry. Your a lot stronger then you give yourself credit for, I think anybody will agree! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 21, 2009 Share Posted October 21, 2009 Lisa, you are a beautiful and amazing woman! Please don't ever forget this! Your ex doesn't want you but that's okay because he doesn't deserve you! My ex doesn't want me either, I want him but I know he doesn't deserve me so I am praying that I can somehow begin to be okay with him not wanting me. Please keep your head up, you are an amazing person and you deserve nothing but the best. Please don't settle for anything other than that! Broken, Take a litttle of your own advice! Just like ladybug said, I'm here for you if you need me, you know how to get ahold of me alright. Anytime TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 21, 2009 Author Share Posted October 21, 2009 So, I've been researching online PTSD and affairs and it's very possible and in fact quite common for the BS to suffer from this to a degree. All of the feelings and symptoms that were outlined regarding PTSD and infidelity, I am experiencing to some degree. I guess I'm worse off than I thought. I thought I could handle this myself but I'm thinking it's probably finally time to speak to a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 I think some counseling would do you some good. It helps me an awful lot, just having a place to let it all out. You might want to read some of the great books about what your going through as well. Sometimes understanding the emotional side of things helps to better cope with it. Crazy Time was a big help for me. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 A lot of people when the think of PTSD they think of some Vietnam, Iraq or Afghanistan combat vet. Which is not true. You can come down with PTSD with any life alternating event? Be it a car wreck, a death in the family, a divorce, anything stressful and life alternating say such as a divorce? Its basically the mind not being able to deal with any given situation at hand at the moment ~ BUT needing to deal with the given situation at the moment. Thus the emotions of the moment are set aside ~ and one is compelled to do what what one must do? Only to have the emotions to come a haunting later. Often years later. BH you've gone through a traumatic event in your life. Your brain has gone "Tilt" as in a pin-bong machine. Nothing makes sense, your life doesn't make sense, your existence in your mind doesn't make sense. Your all over the place trying to validate you existence? Your trying to make sense of your life? Your questioning your life. Your questioning your very existence and reason for living. Your trying to figure out where to go from here? What to leave in? What to leave out? Can you trust again? Can you even learn to trust again? Love again? Oh! I've been there! The sleepless nights, staring at the ceiling,the LED of the damned alarm clock saying WTF, the tossing and turning. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 22, 2009 Share Posted October 22, 2009 Broken, i think the nuts and bolts are that you are trying very hard to make sense of a situation that dosen't make sense, and to take control of something you have no control over. Thats enough to mess with anybodies head. Just do your best to take control of the things you can, and leave the rest, it's really all you can do. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 24, 2009 Author Share Posted October 24, 2009 Of course I just broke down in tears when my husband was here picking the kids up....why wouldn't I... Damn it!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Why Damn it? You have every right to feel what your feeling, and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
CLC2008 Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Of course you are, that's horrific to go through. Some people are more equipped to shrug it off and keep moving along, but if your an emotional person as is, what your experiencing seems pretty normal after having gone through it. Hugs to you, I hope it gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 27, 2009 Author Share Posted October 27, 2009 I am starting to believe that my husband is very embarassed by what he's done to me, our marriage, and our family. He still sees his counselor weekly, has completely broken off all contact with anyone that we ever knew as a couple, including people who were his friends alone throughout the marriage, and refuses to talk about or basically acknowledge the pain and devastation his actions have caused me, our children, my family, his family, etc. He told me the other day that there may be a day in the future where he wakes up and wants everything back. I'm starting to think that he thinks divorce and complete indifference towards me, the situation, and his actions are the only solution to our marriage because the other alternative (dealing with his behavior, actions, and pain he caused everyone) is too much work. It's like he wants to distance himself from me, our family, our history, our memories, and everything that's happened in the last 8 months as much as possible to sort of pretend the whole situation of what he did never happened. Does this make sense?? Link to post Share on other sites
MrMayI Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I am starting to believe that my husband is very embarassed by what he's done to me, our marriage, and our family. He still sees his counselor weekly, has completely broken off all contact with anyone that we ever knew as a couple, including people who were his friends alone throughout the marriage, and refuses to talk about or basically acknowledge the pain and devastation his actions have caused me, our children, my family, his family, etc. He told me the other day that there may be a day in the future where he wakes up and wants everything back. I'm starting to think that he thinks divorce and complete indifference towards me, the situation, and his actions are the only solution to our marriage because the other alternative (dealing with his behavior, actions, and pain he caused everyone) is too much work. It's like he wants to distance himself from me, our family, our history, our memories, and everything that's happened in the last 8 months as much as possible to sort of pretend the whole situation of what he did never happened. Does this make sense?? it makes perfect sense to me. my ex was doing the same thing. since we signed and everything's final, i'm getting the impression she's inching her way back toward me. she rekindled a friendship recently that she's ignored for 5 months. i've remained very close with that particular friend all along, and the ex ignored all of her calls, texts and e-mails until a couple weeks ago. she seems to be a bit interested in me again. maybe she always was. i don't know. she told my mother last week that divorce is something she never wanted, but she feels like she force my hand and made me file. i don't know. sorry to threadjack, bh. maybe you and i should just start dating. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted October 27, 2009 Share Posted October 27, 2009 I am starting to believe that my husband is very embarassed by what he's done to me, our marriage, and our family. He still sees his counselor weekly, has completely broken off all contact with anyone that we ever knew as a couple, including people who were his friends alone throughout the marriage, and refuses to talk about or basically acknowledge the pain and devastation his actions have caused me, our children, my family, his family, etc. He told me the other day that there may be a day in the future where he wakes up and wants everything back. I'm starting to think that he thinks divorce and complete indifference towards me, the situation, and his actions are the only solution to our marriage because the other alternative (dealing with his behavior, actions, and pain he caused everyone) is too much work. It's like he wants to distance himself from me, our family, our history, our memories, and everything that's happened in the last 8 months as much as possible to sort of pretend the whole situation of what he did never happened. Does this make sense?? Hi Broken Yes complete sense. I lived this also. My ex actually said it was too much effort and work to try and work things out. In other words he couldn't be bothered! In terms of distancing himself, he has said, "people break up all the time" (it was 18 years for goodness sakes) and he asked for complete NC, b/c talking with me, texting or remaining friends was "preventing him from moving on with his life". He couldn't even send me a b'day card 7 months on. Anyone would think I did something terrible to him. Have you seen the website about abandonment someone posted on my last thread? That's my life, that's what happened, how he left and I think it probably is what your H did to you to Broken. He's trying to justify his behaviour to himself and demonising you as a means to do that. Why do you think he's seeing a counsellor? Is it b/c he is trying to work through his emotional issues that led him to abandon his family or is it so he can find justifications for his bad behaviour? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Hey Broken, I'm gonna jump on the band wagon here, because I lived this too. She would say the most awful things about me, yet as soon as the D was final, she told me none of that was true. When we were supposed to be trying to save our marriage, she avoided me like the plague, would do anything to push me away. As soon as it was final, she wants to be friends! I think a lot has to do with pride. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 Why do you think he's seeing a counsellor? Is it b/c he is trying to work through his emotional issues that led him to abandon his family or is it so he can find justifications for his bad behaviour? I think he's seeing this counselor to find justifications for his bad behavior and to convince himself that he was "unhappy" and, therefore, justified his leaving which, in return, led to his affair. I also think he is partially still seeing the counselor to help him through the embarassment he's feeling as a result of his disgusting behavior (affair) while his wife was home pregnant! At this point, like I mentioned earlier, he wants to distance himself from me and the marriage and our history as much as possible because I serve as a reminder of his affair and behavior that he so badly wants to pretend didn't happen and distance himself from so much to make himself believe he isn't as much of an ********* as he really is for doing this to me. Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Hi Broken Yes complete sense. I lived this also. My ex actually said it was too much effort and work to try and work things out. In other words he couldn't be bothered! In terms of distancing himself, he has said, "people break up all the time" (it was 18 years for goodness sakes) and he asked for complete NC, b/c talking with me, texting or remaining friends was "preventing him from moving on with his life". He couldn't even send me a b'day card 7 months on. Anyone would think I did something terrible to him. Have you seen the website about abandonment someone posted on my last thread? That's my life, that's what happened, how he left and I think it probably is what your H did to you to Broken. He's trying to justify his behaviour to himself and demonising you as a means to do that. Why do you think he's seeing a counsellor? Is it b/c he is trying to work through his emotional issues that led him to abandon his family or is it so he can find justifications for his bad behaviour? BH - I heard similar from my STBXW. "People D all the time", like it was no big deal to not even try to fix this. That "MC never works" so why try. "You will find someone new who will appreciate you" - like I wanted that? I heard all of that and more. Like all of a sudden overnight I meant nothing to her. 16 years? It could have been a 16 minute relationship the way she is acting. BH, you sound like a great ga;. You have helped so many here. Remember that. It will get better. Keep posting. It helps. There are great folks who have been where you and I are now. PEACE! Link to post Share on other sites
FeelingLonely98 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 ... When we were supposed to be trying to save our marriage, she avoided me like the plague, would do anything to push me away. As soon as it was final, she wants to be friends! I think a lot has to do with pride. TOJAZ Will you (or are you?) remain friends? I can not see my STBXW and I remaining friends. I wanted her as a W forever, not a friend. TOO many wounds there to keep seeing her casually. IDK, that's how I feel. (OMG, How, ironic --> John Lennon's "Starting Over" just began on my ITunes. Damn - every freaking song every written seems to be about falling in love, falling back in love, or falling out of love. (UGH!) Link to post Share on other sites
Logik Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 Will you (or are you?) remain friends? I can not see my STBXW and I remaining friends. I wanted her as a W forever, not a friend. TOO many wounds there to keep seeing her casually. IDK, that's how I feel. All she will be to me is like a colleague at work and only because I have to deal with her regarding the children. If we had no children, I wouldn't even contact her again. She would be totally gone out of my life. I could never be friends with the woman I decided to spend the rest of my life with only to be discarded when things get rough for her. I didn't marry her to end up in a platonic relationship. Anyway, how many platonic relationships are truly platonic? I don't think many. One of the parties involved has some sort of feelings for the other, even if they don't admit it. I'm not buying into the whole "friends" thing. I'll be amicable towards her when I have to interact with her. That's it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 Wow! I just got back from my status conference at court and the temporary order is great! I made out very well! My husband will continue to pay the mortgage, taxes, house insurance, utilities, and give me $150/wk until the final order is in place in about 4 months. Visitations stay the same as they have been which is what I wanted. Everything is in my favor and my attorney says I am getting way more than he would have to be paying me if we put everything into the court's formula based on percentages and everything else. So...why am I in the middle of a breakdown right now!? I simply CANNOT get over this pain! I DON'T WANT THIS, I DON'T WANT ANY OF THIS! WHY DOES HE WANT THIS? What did I do to deserve this? What did our children do to deserve this? I cannot get over this pain I feel for my children! My heart breaks for my children...especially my daughter who is now only 6 weeks old! What a f***ing mess she was brought into! How the hell can anyone do this to their wife while pregnant and how the hell can anyone be so irresponsible and selfish to bring a child into the world like this? What a friggin nightmare! I can't take all of this pain...pain from the death of my marriage, pain from the death of my amazing husband, pain from the betrayal he's caused me, pain from the breakup of my family, pain for what my children have been put through, and pain for the life they now have. I need to meet someone, someone who has the morals and values that I do and someone who values marriage like I do. MrMayI, I'm about to give you my phone number! Link to post Share on other sites
shh120 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I feel the same way. All I wanted is for my husband to step up to the plate and be the husband and father he should be...honoring the commitments HE made! Instead...wow...I guess I will be going through this in a few months too. Ugh....I am so darn angry with him! I will be the one filing for the divorce I don't want so our kids are taken care of. And I cry too, you are not alone. I went from a size 6 to a size 3 in two months because I can't eat, sleep, or even think half the time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 Yeah...try being pregnant during all of this!! Link to post Share on other sites
shh120 Posted October 28, 2009 Share Posted October 28, 2009 I couldn't handle that but I do have one still in diapers and I thought that was rough. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author broken hearted Posted October 28, 2009 Author Share Posted October 28, 2009 Yes, pregnant along with a 2 year old and my husband left 3 weeks after I found out I was pregnant (planned pregnancy, he talked me into it bc I wanted to wait a little bit longer) and then had an affair. My brother also committed suicide in July during all of this mess and my husband left me to grieve for my brother and take care of our son, while being pregnant, all by myself while he continued to be 16 again. You should read my threads...he's a real gem! Link to post Share on other sites
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