LoveLace Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 After years and years of using multiple dating sites, over and over...I knew there was a reason why I stopped for so long! Mostly, I've always just checked the email once in a while, as opposed to browsing and expressing interest. So here and there I'd get a note from a guy that...surprise! Not interested in...you always see the photos before anything, right? Attraction HAS to be there, right? They are never even close to attractive, to me. Average looking is all I want, but if they aren't WAY to old for me, than they are just plain not cute...hence, why they are probably there. So I decided to browse and send a note of interest to every single guy I thought was halfway handsome and interesting...resulting in about 20 notes or so...doesn't sound like a lot, but I browsed through hundreds. I also have to consider that some don't want children (I do), some don't want "serious" (I do), among other things that you just have to rule out weather they are cute or not. The ones that look like supermodels, well, course I leave them alone all together, cuz you know what they are looking for, and I'm not that... Pretty much all 20 said "not interested"...with a very small remaining few that just don't write back at all. Why did I bother? I don't see anything wrong with photos I have on there, they are the best I could come up with, from head shots to body shots. I am not gross to look at, at all what so ever...just two weekends ago, I met a guy out on the town telling me how "hot" I was...problem was he MARRIED! So is that supposed to count? Hell I dunno! But clearly not a guy I wanted to pursue... So I don't understand what that guy saw, that the guys online don't see...the photos are mostly me smiling and having a good time, just like I do if I'm out...dressed up in some, dressed down in others... Yes I'm somewhat picky too clearly, but again I just need average - not drop dead gorgeous. And the guys I write to are mostly average, maybe a little above that sometimes. So to think they are viewing me the way I view the not-so-cute ones, just makes me feel so ugly. They must see me as "below average", when the married guy (HOT by the way) was telling me how "hot" I was. I don't get it. All I know is, I won't be sending out any notes of interest anymore...it's hurting me more than helping me. The last thing I feel is confident when the only notes I get are from grossly obese or men old enough to be my father. I know I'm a little picky, but to think the average ones are even pickier than I am, just boggles my brain. 20 guys is an awful lot. Enough to convince me I just don't have what it takes for a guy to look and think "I just have to talk to her!"....that's what I need...so tired of just being "cute....but...."....Cute is the best I can do...I have a baby face and that is not something I can change...I don't need to lose weight or anything like that...I dress well and take care of myself. So if overwhelming beauty is what the guys my age need (30's and up), then I'm afraid this means a lifetime of lonliness... How come these things work miraculously for some and not at all for others?
torranceshipman Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 All I can say is...try not to take it personally and no matter how many duds you get, just keep on truckin'. I did, always optimistic, despite meeting lots of 'not the right guys' (thought to be fair, I had a lot of fun dinner dates) - and recently I met the most amazing guy ever...if I'd given up (most people would have by this point, or at least stopped being quite as optimistic as me, anyway!!), then I'd NEVER had met this guy - we're now a couple, met eachothers families, it's pretty serious and we're both very happy...he's pretty much the ideal guy that I always hoped to meet! So my point is...hang in there as you may well meet someone great at some point, and just don't take anything personally and try to have a little fun in the meantime...
boogieboy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dating sites are meat markets just as dance clubs. Anyone percieved as below average generally gets nothing. What your idea of average looking is probably above average, and in their minds, out of your league physically. Besides, many of the profiles you messaged are probably fake. And like everything else in life, nothing is easy, the same goes for picking mates. You think you would find a guy the easy way, by doing it online, anonymously, with no risk of harsh rejection like in person. Doesnt work that way. You just realized for the 2nd time (same as I did) that you will have to do it the old fashioned way, out on the street, and you will have to put in lots of work to get what you want.
conehead Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 What did you say in your notes to each of the 20? Were they actually well thought out notes addressing the guy's qualities you see that interests you and that you see the two of you have things in common or share the same interests and values? Or was it a generic note saying you are interested without giving reasons/details?
Odyssey Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 For me, nothing that's worth having is rarely on a plate easy. I have always had to work damn hard to get the things i want in life. From my experience so far, you gotta wade through plenty of muck to get a few gems. At times I think they should only allow their mothers to write their profiles! Like you, i got frustrated. Boogieboy is right to a point, that dating sites are like a meat market. That's why i've stepped away from the online scene and gone offline...back to the streets [almost sounded rude then]...lots of rejections, but i'd managed to pick up a few dates. You could take a break from the dating scene for a while. Being single isn't so bad ya know.
stepka Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Well LoveLace I've had some indifferent luck on there myself. I get so sick of guys on here saying that women get approached hundreds of times a week. Yeah right. It must be other women, coz it's not me. But sometimes the men who did write me were very handsome, and a couple that I wrote to said that they thought I was out of their league, so it may be that you're shooting too low? I was always puzzled about that--seems like if I were pretty enough to date handsome men, I'd have a lot of other guys vying for the honor too. I guess what I'm trying to say with this is that it's not a reliable way to judge how attractive you are. How men react to you out IRL (like married man) is much more reliable. You might try another site too--I had way more luck with one than the other--I almost never got any letters on match.com, though it's a bigger site than the one I had more luck on. Same picture and close to the same profile. You might want to post us what you wrote in your profile--you want to make sure that it's not too generic and that your interests are something that a man can relate to. I always did wonder if my lack of response was due to the fact that I said I don't like sports, but it's true and I'd hate to mislead anyone.
Author LoveLace Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 For me, nothing that's worth having is rarely on a plate easy. I have always had to work damn hard to get the things i want in life. From my experience so far, you gotta wade through plenty of muck to get a few gems. At times I think they should only allow their mothers to write their profiles! Like you, i got frustrated. Boogieboy is right to a point, that dating sites are like a meat market. That's why i've stepped away from the online scene and gone offline...back to the streets [almost sounded rude then]...lots of rejections, but i'd managed to pick up a few dates. You could take a break from the dating scene for a while. Being single isn't so bad ya know. Oh man, I've only had 2 boyfriends over the 12 years...both only lasted a couple months. So for me, single is not fun anymore...not in my 30's when everyone else is "happy"...and i'm running out of the time it takes to have a family... Conehead, some of the notes were just "interest" notes, others are written notes expressing my interest, short and to the point. But you are right...it is a meat market, even if they say they are looking for "serious"...it's just a pretty face they want, when it comes down to it...not a cute face...a pretty one...an astonishing one...they won't settle for less... Going "out on the street" makes my chances even less, because I only have time for anything outside of work about once a week...and I'm never doing the same thing and going to the same places...it's always different...with different friends...doing different things...and the variety is supposed to matter, but it really doesn't... Anyway, here's to sleeping alone forever...
BlueHarvest Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dating sites are meat markets just as dance clubs. Anyone percieved as below average generally gets nothing. What your idea of average looking is probably above average, and in their minds, out of your league physically. Besides, many of the profiles you messaged are probably fake. And like everything else in life, nothing is easy, the same goes for picking mates. You think you would find a guy the easy way, by doing it online, anonymously, with no risk of harsh rejection like in person. Doesnt work that way. You just realized for the 2nd time (same as I did) that you will have to do it the old fashioned way, out on the street, and you will have to put in lots of work to get what you want. Kind of contradicted yourself. People meet other through dance clubs, bowling, bars, online, etc. Whatever you do...you don't know where you will meet someone. You said yourself that online dating sites are 'as much a meat market as dance clubs' so you in essence are validating that they are the same thing. And people go to dance clubs to meet other people. Sure *most* are there to just get laid. But a few genuinely LIKE going to dance clubs, and if they meet someone there that they like might see where it goes. It's about finding mutual interest. Dating sites are there for people who prefer a different median on meeting people. Such a pessimistic view of dating sites is only bound to do one thing...make you expect everything that comes out of a dating site to be "bad". I agree with the OP, stay optomistic...but don't count on the dating sites alone to get you dates. Some people hit, and some people miss. JUST LIKE "on the streets".
AD1980 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I gave up on those along time time ago.. Im only 5'8 and the majority of women their are looking for 6 feet and up..
Johnny M Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Mostly, I've always just checked the email once in a while, as opposed to browsing and expressing interest. So here and there I'd get a note from a guy that...surprise! Not interested in...you always see the photos before anything, right? Attraction HAS to be there, right? They are never even close to attractive, to me. Average looking is all I want, but if they aren't WAY to old for me, than they are just plain not cute...hence, why they are probably there. So I decided to browse and send a note of interest to every single guy I thought was halfway handsome and interesting...resulting in about 20 notes or so...doesn't sound like a lot, but I browsed through hundreds. I also have to consider that some don't want children (I do), some don't want "serious" (I do), among other things that you just have to rule out weather they are cute or not. The ones that look like supermodels, well, course I leave them alone all together, cuz you know what they are looking for, and I'm not that... Pretty much all 20 said "not interested"...with a very small remaining few that just don't write back at all. If you find every man who messages you unattractive, while every man that you contact is not interested, it can only mean that you're only interested in men who are far out of your league. Why did I bother? I don't see anything wrong with photos I have on there, they are the best I could come up with, from head shots to body shots. Women often wildly overestimate their own physical attractiveness. Good-looking women get dozens of emails per day on sites like plentyoffish.com. That is a proven fact. If you're only getting a note "here and there", it means that you're at best average....and more likely below average. I'm not trying to insult you...just saying it like it is. They must see me as "below average", when the married guy (HOT by the way) was telling me how "hot" I was. I don't get it. Don't get stuck on what one person told you. He may have just been trying to be nice to you. How come these things work miraculously for some and not at all for others? If you want online dating to work, you have to be patient and have realistic expectations.
Johnny M Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 What did you say in your notes to each of the 20? Were they actually well thought out notes addressing the guy's qualities you see that interests you and that you see the two of you have things in common or share the same interests and values? Or was it a generic note saying you are interested without giving reasons/details? None if this matters....if the girl is attractive, the guy would respond even if she messaged him with something totally generic. Take my word on this.
boogieboy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You said yourself that online dating sites are 'as much a meat market as dance clubs' so you in essence are validating that they are the same thing. And people go to dance clubs to meet other people. Sure *most* are there to just get laid. But a few genuinely LIKE going to dance clubs, and if they meet someone there that they like might see where it goes. It's about finding mutual interest. Dating sites are there for people who prefer a different median on meeting people.. Dating sites are for people who dont want to keep getting rejected in person. But I forgot to mention, even thought the bars/clubs are meat markets, its much better to talk to someone in person because its already a predate. When you do it on the net, you have to worry about whether or not this person is representing themselves right. Conehead, for the most part most women do not send out notes on dating sites, so guys dont have as many emails, and therefore are fine with any kind of contact. Whether or not the email addresses anything in the profile is not the point, initial contact means shes interested, then you can keep going. Most of the guys will look at the picture first, and if they cant picture having sex with her, the email itself doesnt matter.
AD1980 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Women often wildly overestimate their own physical attractiveness I partly blame us men for that.. Part of it is from women in that because women friends dont call each other ugly..You always see a group of women where some 300 women in the group is complemented that she looks great in some in some outfit and you know she doesnt mean it..Us men are more honest..Well call our good friends ugly and hideous and nobody takes much offense.. Where us men are to blame is that most of us unless were a 9 or 10 well hit on anyhting at some point if were drunk enough.. So what you have are these medicore or average women who get hit on all the time sometimes by men a little out fo their league who are juat horny and want to bang something before the nights over and u create a monster where these medicore women now think they are entitled to a very attractive man...
northstar1 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dating sites are a crapshoot, and typically composed of a ratio of at least 5 to 1 guys/girls. The healthy way to approach online dating is to augment it with still meeting people in "real life". If you are solely depending on quickly meeting your mate, most are bound to be disappointed. You also have to learn not to take the rejection personally. Most of the time you really don't know what is going on with the other person. They may be dating others, on a break from their ex, unsure if they are really serious about dating etc. You can have a great initial connection with someone and 'poof' they vanish. In some cases they picked someone else, in others they simply got busy or no longer wanted to use online dating. People can be flakier on websites because there are few consequences if they go MIA or reject you. It takes little courage to ignore messages/texts etc and move on. Not so easy in person. Anyways, if you don't put too much stock in it, and just take it casually, it can be a good way to meet people, providing you are still in touch with the real world as well.
boogieboy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dating sites are a crapshoot, and typically composed of a ratio of at least 5 to 1 guys/girls. You also have to learn not to take the rejection personally. Most of the time you really don't know what is going on with the other person. They may be dating others, on a break from their ex, unsure if they are really serious about dating etc. You can have a great initial connection with someone and 'poof' they vanish. In some cases they picked someone else, in others they simply got busy or no longer wanted to use online dating. Dating sites are SUCH a crapshoot, and that ratio includes the FAKE profiles. I dont understand how ANYONE takes rejection on the dating sites personally, the whole reason people do it online is to avoid direct rejection. You dont really get rejected by a non reply, How can you take a non reply in email personal??????
Johnny M Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Part of it is from women in that because women friends dont call each other ugly..You always see a group of women where some 300 women in the group is complemented that she looks great in some in some outfit and you know she doesnt mean it... That's a good point. You often see the same kind of behavior on facebook, with women commneting on each other's pictures with things like "what a hottie" or "sexxxxy laaady" or whatever. I can see why they do it...everyone needs a confidence boost sometimes, especially women, who are generally more insecure about their looks than men. But on the other hand, it can lead to a loss of perspective if a woman actually starts taking these confidence boosters too seriously.
northstar1 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dating sites are SUCH a crapshoot, and that ratio includes the FAKE profiles. I dont understand how ANYONE takes rejection on the dating sites personally, the whole reason people do it online is to avoid direct rejection. You dont really get rejected by a non reply, How can you take a non reply in email personal?????? You said it. The fake profiles including the ones from escort agencies looking for some poor mope to fall for their "hey, i've got more pictures at this website...." lures.
boogieboy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 That's a good point. You often see the same kind of behavior on facebook, with women commneting on each other's pictures with things like "what a hottie" or "sexxxxy laaady" or whatever. I can see why they do it...everyone needs a confidence boost sometimes, especially women, who are generally more insecure about their looks than men. But on the other hand, it can lead to a loss of perspective if a woman actually starts taking these confidence boosters too seriously. The reason the confidence boosters from womens friends is so devastating in the long run is because those phony compliments werent earned. Then when they get hit with reality they sit at home crying.
AD1980 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 especially women, who are generally more insecure about their looks than men. . I dont really buy that even though it seems that way on the surface ..Women who are somewhat attractive know they are i think its more constant need of attention and resassurance from people plus competiton with other women and being upset that another women has better whaetver then her.. I think its more of a narcisism thing then delicate women with low self esteem allot of times..
Enema Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I'm married and I tell my wife's friends that they look hot at times even though some are hideous. I think it was Chris Rock that said, "Women need food, water and compliments".
OpenGL Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Lets see a picture of yourself and then see some pictures of the guys you are rejecting because they are below average looks.
conehead Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 [/b] Conehead, some of the notes were just "interest" notes, others are written notes expressing my interest, short and to the point. I think that is the problem here, not your looks. I've had very good looking guys write me short notes expressing their 'interest' but they don't express why they picked me out of all the other guys, and I did get the feeling that I was 1 among 20 and that I wasn't special. You are picking these guys based mainly on their looks and not by what made them stand out to you, so why should you expect them to judge you based on something other than your looks? Even if you are very hot but the guy wants more than just a pretty face, then they wouldn't be interested either in just a generic note.... I think you should go deeper and pick a guy or two that you're really interested in...beyond looks....and take the time to write a well-written special note. I think that'd get you farther. I disagree that it's a numbers game. I think you want quality, not quantity.
boogieboy Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think that is the problem here, not your looks. I've had very good looking guys write me short notes expressing their 'interest' but they don't express why they picked me out of all the other guys, and I did get the feeling that I was 1 among 20 and that I wasn't special. You are picking these guys based mainly on their looks and not by what made them stand out to you, so why should you expect them to judge you based on something other than your looks? Even if you are very hot but the guy wants more than just a pretty face, then they wouldn't be interested either in just a generic note.... I think you should go deeper and pick a guy or two that you're really interested in...beyond looks....and take the time to write a well-written special note. I think that'd get you farther. I disagree that it's a numbers game. I think you want quality, not quantity. Conehead youre a woman, guys dont think like you, they dont need a "special" note. Unless the guys is gorgeous, he isnt getting that many emails from that many women. Everyone knows you cant base anything on a persons profile, you have to get to know them past one email. But if he doesnt like her face, what she writes makes no difference. For guys, a generic note is fine, because women dont reach out that often as guys have to reach out.
bac Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 All I can say is...try not to take it personally and no matter how many duds you get, just keep on truckin'. I did, always optimistic, despite meeting lots of 'not the right guys' (thought to be fair, I had a lot of fun dinner dates) - and recently I met the most amazing guy ever...if I'd given up (most people would have by this point, or at least stopped being quite as optimistic as me, anyway!!), then I'd NEVER had met this guy - we're now a couple, met eachothers families, it's pretty serious and we're both very happy...he's pretty much the ideal guy that I always hoped to meet! So my point is...hang in there as you may well meet someone great at some point, and just don't take anything personally and try to have a little fun in the meantime... How long did it take for you to find a good guy? What is your age group? I am looking for 10 months and guys are getting only worse:)
CarrieT Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 How long did it take for you to find a good guy? What is your age group? I am looking for 10 months and guys are getting only worse:) I'm 45 and I've been on the dating sites for 18 months. I have had a total of FOUR first dates. The types of email I get are, "Wow UR hot!" or the reverse, Hello, Angel. I am Capt Charles, I am 47 years old, I was born and brought up in Mexico,, I am a native of america, I have my home base in wooster, OHIO,I am divorced man with a son, I am a Army, in the military... I love to know more about you, I am new to this stuff, feel free to email me or IM me back [email protected] , , I am battalion Commander. I am single man again for about 3 yrs ago. I am seeking for a woman that is sincere, for a long term relationship, lover, view to marriage.i like to treat the woman of my life, like a queen, i like do help where ever i can, i am lovingcare, a heart of gold. I'm open, sensual, kind, gentle, romantic... a different man,I'm a very family oriented, sensitive and tender person,I want to give all of my tenderness and care to my special woman.I enjoy nature, seeing the stars at night, listening to the sounds of nature, being near the water, swimming, as I love the ocean and sea,I like traveling, diving, dancing, drawing, skating and bowling, billiards, football (soccer),I enjoy music so much, classical Blues R & b and modern.I am very understanding,open minded with a heart of forgiving, loving and caring with sense of humor, hard working with cheerful character,honest,sincere,kind, warm and intelligent with good look. NOTE: My profile states I am not interested in men with children and that I only wish to date men who live in my city of San Francisco, so someone from Ohio with a kid is definitely out...
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