Jaspe_Loco Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) I'll try to summarize, but it's a long story. About 18 years ago, (I was 20) there was a girl that worked next door to my employer that I was crazy about. I was somewhat shy then and was afraid to ask her out. After several months, I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out only to find out that had left for college, presumably never to be seen again. From that point, I swore to myself that I would never fear rejection again. I married a couple of years later and just had a miserable marriage. I was committed to try to make it work, but my wife wasn't. I had been consulting with an attorney about divorce when I met Kelly at work. She was walking down the hall with her two kids, one in diapers, and I still couldn't resist introducing myself. I made every opportunity to be near her or get to know her despite knowing she was married. I was relentless. And one day, we finally kissed and it was unlike any kiss I'd ever experienced in my (at the time) 35 years. I knew when I kissed her she was the one... even though I had never believed there was such a thing. A month later, I filed for divorce. It had nothing to do with Kelly... it had been a long time coming. Things were off on and on with Kelly and I due to her guilt. A couple of times she ending things, I did once or twice because I could tell it was so hard for her. But we'd alway end up together again. After nearly 6 months of separation, I reconciled with my wife. She was about to go bankrupt and didn't want my daughter (6 at the time) to watch her mother fail so miserably... even though she did it to herself. She did appear to have changed somewhat and I thought I would give it one more try. Despite reconciliation, I still continued to see Kelly. A few months later, our jobs separated Kelly and for a little over two months. We emailed several times a day at first, then they tapered off. When were back at the same office again, she was distant from me. I confronted her about it, but she wouldn't admit there was anything wrong. I knew her well enough to know that she was trying to distance herself from me to save her marriage. I backed off. I was furious that she wasn't honest with me, but I also understood that she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to go through with it if she had to tell me face to face. In the meantime, my marriage only got worse. I wanted to leave, but my wife always made it hard for me. She would use our daughter to hurt me and I couldn't stand that. Contact between me and Kelly was professional only. Whenever she made an attempt to be anything more than professional, I would distance myself. A little over a year after Kelly and stopped seeing each other, we started talking on a friendly basis again. She would stop by my office, or I would stop by hers. But I tried to keep some distance between us until about 9 months ago, when we kissed again. She told me that she tried to make things work with her husband, but that he wouldn't stop drinking. He did what he wanted to do and never considered her or the children. She also said that she never stopped thinking about me. During our conversation, we were talking about our past when she mentioned she used to work with someone I knew. I asked her what her maiden name was and.... unbelievably, she was the girl that I was too afraid to ask out. All the time, I'd been in love with the one that got away and didn't know it!! I'd always knew she looked familiar, but we live in a small town and she's only a couple of years younger than me. I just thought we'd seen each other around. To make a long story short (too late, huh), a couple of months ago, we decided to leave our spouses and pursue a relationship together. Working together adds some complications to it, so where trying to be patient and plan over the next few months instead of just doing it now and risking our jobs. I have to admit that the failure rates for our kind of relationship are high... and it worries me. I like to think that we're different from the others. I imagine that most people having affairs think the same way. I will say that I've never loved anyone as I love Kelly. I didn't even know what being in love meant until I met her. Our relationship is strong and not based on sex or the "excitement" of cheating. Sex didn't enter the relationship until a few months ago. I'm extremely happy, but a little worried too. I want this to work out, but I worry that the hardships of divorce will take it's toll on both of us. Edited October 20, 2009 by Jaspe_Loco
herenow Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 It sounds to me like you have both found the happiness you have been looking for. Cherish it and it will continue to grow.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 It sounds like you both tried your best in your M's. That certainly increases your odds because there shouldn't be much concern about either of you going back to your spouses. You will have an uphill battle trying to blend your worlds with two BS's in the background who may try to thwart every move. Just stay focused, both of you. Try to go at it with an optimistic outlook, I'm a little concerned about your grim outlook becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. It might be worth doing couples counseling to help you two get through the rough spots. I wouldn't go so far to say I had a grim outlook, it's just that sometimes the obstacles we have to overcome seem daunting. One day last week, she told me that she was ready for us to be together. We can do that now, but the consequences would be great. I can live with all of the consequences aside from the people we both know having a negative opinion of her. I also have this nagging feeling something is about to happen... as in her husband or my wife finding out. Don't get me wrong, I'm happier than I've ever been. We've endured a three year affair and our love is strong. I guess I'm just ready to be together, too.
justwantlove Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It makes my happy to hear that your love is winning in the end. It gives me a little hope.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 just a technical question here. how did you manage to continue to work together and not have this all found out???
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 There are plenty of couples that it works out for. Don't get into the mind-set that it might fail because you'll go in with a negative slant on your relationship. You might want to check out the website 'gloryb.com'. It has a section on the forum for people in your type of situation. You might find it helpful.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 just a technical question here. how did you manage to continue to work together and not have this all found out??? Very carefully!!! I've been approached by a co-worker (she thinks she everybody's mother) twice about my A. Last May, it got back to my boss. He never approached me about it, but Kelly met with him and convinced him it was just a rumor. I broke up with her at that point because the I really didn't feel she had a grasp on the consequences. We did get back together a week later and a month and half later, she told me that she wanted to marry me. But again, being co-workers is probably the biggest complication we have because if we say screw it and "run-off" together, we're both fired. I don't think anyone would be surprised by our relationship, but I try very hard not to advertise it either.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 just a technical question here. how did you manage to continue to work together and not have this all found out??? There are plenty of couples that it works out for. Don't get into the mind-set that it might fail because you'll go in with a negative slant on your relationship. You might want to check out the website 'gloryb.com'. It has a section on the forum for people in your type of situation. You might find it helpful. Thank you... I'm going there now.
Jacky Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I am very happy that your relationship is working out, like someone mentioned in the post above it gives me hope that mine might work out too. It will probably become difficult since there will be headaches of custody etc, just try to be there to support and understand each other to minimise the stress. Cherish the happiness that you both have, don't let what other people say effect you atleast you both are true to yourselves.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 I do appreciated these responses. You know, the first rule in having an affair is not telling anyone about it. It's been hard keeping this to myself, never telling anyone about the joys or the hardships. And most replies bash you over the head with morality. I already know that what I'm doing wrong and don't need to be reminded. Again, thanks for your encouragement. I'm looking forward to participating on this board.
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I do appreciated these responses. You know, the first rule in having an affair is not telling anyone about it. It's been hard keeping this to myself, never telling anyone about the joys or the hardships. And most replies bash you over the head with morality. I already know that what I'm doing wrong and don't need to be reminded. Again, thanks for your encouragement. I'm looking forward to participating on this board. I had an affair with someone that I work with and no one knew anything about it. They suspected but they never knew for sure. It went on for 5 yrs. If you want to keep it quiet, it can be done.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 So have you both told your spouses? Want make a wager?
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Not yet. We are both trying to keep our relationship separate from our marital problems. What I mean by that is the we both have grounds for divorce aside from our infidelity. When we decided that we wanted to be together 3 months ago, we discussed how we wanted to go about it. We both want to keep our jobs because we work for a great employer. In order to do that, we can't just run into each other's arms.... we'd both get fired. Also, I wanted both of us to be prepared financially, i.e., we've both opened up separate accounts, cleaned up a few issues where we shared debt with spouses, etc. Both of us have attorneys and are hoping for an uncontested divorce. My wife will almost certainly not risk the fight. Last time, she lost custody of our daughter and the house. And since she's so focused on exercise, she's not going to want to deal with the responsibilities of full time parenting. Kelly is somewhat more concerned, but since her husband is currently unemployed and a heavy drinker, she's thinking the time is about right for her to ask for a divorce. He'd have no chance even if our affair comes to light. She told me last week that she was ready for us to be together and it's so hard to say to say "wait". But it's going to a lot harder before it gets easier and I thinking being patient and preparing now will make the hardships a little less hard.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Not yet. We are both trying to keep our relationship separate from our marital problems. What I mean by that is the we both have grounds for divorce aside from our infidelity. When we decided that we wanted to be together 3 months ago, we discussed how we wanted to go about it. We both want to keep our jobs because we work for a great employer. In order to do that, we can't just run into each other's arms.... we'd both get fired. Also, I wanted both of us to be prepared financially, i.e., we've both opened up separate accounts, cleaned up a few issues where we shared debt with spouses, etc. Both of us have attorneys and are hoping for an uncontested divorce. My wife will almost certainly not risk the fight. Last time, she lost custody of our daughter and the house. And since she's so focused on exercise, she's not going to want to deal with the responsibilities of full time parenting. Kelly is somewhat more concerned, but since her husband is currently unemployed and a heavy drinker, she's thinking the time is about right for her to ask for a divorce. He'd have no chance even if our affair comes to light. She told me last week that she was ready for us to be together and it's so hard to say to say "wait". But it's going to a lot harder before it gets easier and I thinking being patient and preparing now will make the hardships a little less hard. We already knew the answer, you just confirmed that. Mr. Messy and the ow had a plan smilier to yours, I blew that mother out of the water before either of them knew what hit them.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Is/was Mr. Messy your husband?
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 MistyK, no I'm not concerned at all. I'm probably guilty of dragging my feet more so than she is. Since deciding to be together, we have pretty much on the same page concerning how to go about this. But we both have moments of weakness and we try to encourage each other. Again, my biggest fear is how she'll look to her family and co-workers. Women always bear the brunt of malicious comments with regards to affairs and I don't want her to feel alienated. However, we both know the longer this drags out, the more likely we'll get caught making all of the patience and preparation for naught.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 MistyK, I'm dragging my feet if for no other reason than she and I both will be fired. There's no way around it. I make a ton of money doing what I love at the place I love working for and so does she. If one or both of us decided to leave today, neither of would be able to find a comparable job within a hundred miles. Believe me, we both looked. As bad as all of the other things could be, nothing would compare to both of us supporting a family without any income. Her husband is already stretching their finances because he's not working. I think we'll both mostly likely file for divorce in the next 30 - 45 days. But divorcing is not the problem. We'll keep our relationship quiet until the divorces are final, which will be at least 30 days but could be several months if our spouses contest the divorce. Once every thing is final, then we're good. But I doubt it will be before the first of the year before our divorces are final.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Separating from our spouses is not the problem. Once we both file, our spouses will be gone. I guess there's the argument that we can give them the boot now, but it's just the way we planned it. I really hadn't thought about any other way. Once we have filed, we will keep our relationship secret until our divorces are final. Once the divorces are final, hey... the job issue goes away!! Having an affair with a coworker is the problem. If we're caught, we're going to be in the unemployment lines.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 MistyK, To be honest, I scared. When I left my wife before, it had nothing to do with Kelly. I reconciled with my wife hoping that things could be different than the first 13 years and sadly, it was worse. It's my nature to protect the ones I love and even if Kelly is willing deal with the scorn of others, it kills me. I know what kind of person and mother she really is. She's endured far more from her husband that anyone else I know for the sake of her two children. Nobody else will ever understand and she doesn't deserve that. If waiting a month, 6 months or a year eases the transition for her, then I'm willing to do that despite wanting to be with her right now. Misty, I have no idea what I'm doing... that's a big reason why I came to these forums.
bentnotbroken Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 BNB - Yes, how terrible that the OP wants to spre everyone so much drama. Why not make a huge mess of things just so the BS's can feel vindicated, right? NO. There are kids involved and sorry to say, but their needs come BEFORE the BS's. The people are leaving their spouses anyway, so there's no need for this "total disclosure" crappola. Jaspe_loco, am I correct in reading between the lines that there's some concern that Kelly may not follow through on her end of the bargain? My MM used this idea of prep-time making things easier in the end - it didn't. What it DID do was allow enough time for his W to find out what was going on and made thing a billion times worse. It was an excuse, and a lame one at that. Misty, you already know before you posted this that you and I will never veiw this the same way. My view if you want to spare people drama, don't create it by having an A. Your view is different as is the OP. Those same kids that you are showing care and concern for where there before the A started, there was no concern about the fall out then. And I can see how you would call the truth of full disclosure crappola, especially if you aren't the one without the full truth. When all the parties don't have all the pieces to the puzzle, there is no way to get a complete picture. With all due respect I don't find having the truth about what their true motives were crap in making life decisions for me or my children. Knowledge is power, before we(her BS and I) found out, they had all the power to control our lives without our input. And since you also know I believe in God, my belief is he is the reason the information was discovered when it was. The timing couldn't have been anything that I could have planned. We took the power to control our lives away from 2 of the most selfish people walking God's green earth. And with that power came the knowledge that people who need to hide things, in their heart know they aren't doing the right thing for everyone or there would be no reason to hide. With that also comes courage and honesty. Traits that seems to have become more and more a rarity.
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Those same kids that you are showing care and concern for where there before the A started, there was no concern about the fall out then. My daughter (6 at the time) was dealing with verbal abuse from her mom and witnessing verbal and physical abuse to her dad. Her mom didn't allow her to leave the house and never spent time with her. She was paraded around in over 80 beauty pageant in 3 years. When I filed divorce, I was granted full custody and a restraining order against her mom. I had back surgery last week. My wife dropped me off from the hospital and went shopping. Then she came home and exercised for 2 1/2 hours. My dad picked my daughter up from school and brought her home. I helped her with her homework and fed her because my wife couldn't be bothered with the responsibilities of parent hood. Kelly's children are 3 and 7. Their dad is a heavy drinker. He doesn't come home until after the kids are asleep. If Kelly goes out of town for work, she has to leave her children with her parents because their dad can't be trusted because of his drinking. He quit his job 4 months ago because he didn't like his boss. He sleeps until noon, stays out until 10 or 11 every night spending money they don't have. We may be cheaters, but we have both suffered through a lot to try to maintain some level of happiness for our children. Kelly's most attractive character trait to me is that she is an awesome mom. I can't wait for my daughter to have her as a positive influence. And I know Kelly feels much the same way about me.
bentnotbroken Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 My daughter (6 at the time) was dealing with verbal abuse from her mom and witnessing verbal and physical abuse to her dad. Her mom didn't allow her to leave the house and never spent time with her. She was paraded around in over 80 beauty pageant in 3 years. When I filed divorce, I was granted full custody and a restraining order against her mom. I had back surgery last week. My wife dropped me off from the hospital and went shopping. Then she came home and exercised for 2 1/2 hours. My dad picked my daughter up from school and brought her home. I helped her with her homework and fed her because my wife couldn't be bothered with the responsibilities of parent hood. Kelly's children are 3 and 7. Their dad is a heavy drinker. He doesn't come home until after the kids are asleep. If Kelly goes out of town for work, she has to leave her children with her parents because their dad can't be trusted because of his drinking. He quit his job 4 months ago because he didn't like his boss. He sleeps until noon, stays out until 10 or 11 every night spending money they don't have. We may be cheaters, but we have both suffered through a lot to try to maintain some level of happiness for our children. Kelly's most attractive character trait to me is that she is an awesome mom. I can't wait for my daughter to have her as a positive influence. And I know Kelly feels much the same way about me. I guess I don't understand how allowing the children to remain in the situations that were unhealthy and unstable is an attractive character trait and will be a positive. You had custody, yet you went back and exposed your daughter to the same thing. As a child of an alcoholic, nothing her H did happened over night, what was she waiting on? The positive influence? Who is going to show your children how be faithful in marriage and man up to the problems they face?
Author Jaspe_Loco Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Misty, you already know before you posted this that you and I will never veiw this the same way. My view if you want to spare people drama, don't create it by having an A. Your view is different as is the OP. Those same kids that you are showing care and concern for where there before the A started, there was no concern about the fall out then. And I can see how you would call the truth of full disclosure crappola, especially if you aren't the one without the full truth. When all the parties don't have all the pieces to the puzzle, there is no way to get a complete picture. With all due respect I don't find having the truth about what their true motives were crap in making life decisions for me or my children. Knowledge is power, before we(her BS and I) found out, they had all the power to control our lives without our input. And since you also know I believe in God, my belief is he is the reason the information was discovered when it was. The timing couldn't have been anything that I could have planned. We took the power to control our lives away from 2 of the most selfish people walking God's green earth. And with that power came the knowledge that people who need to hide things, in their heart know they aren't doing the right thing for everyone or there would be no reason to hide. With that also comes courage and honesty. Traits that seems to have become more and more a rarity. I guess I don't understand how allowing the children to remain in the situations that were unhealthy and unstable is an attractive character trait and will be a positive. You had custody, yet you went back and exposed your daughter to the same thing. As a child of an alcoholic, nothing her H did happened over night, what was she waiting on? The positive influence? Who is going to show your children how be faithful in marriage and man up to the problems they face? I can tell you that at first, I was afraid that I would be relegated being a bi-weekly father. She threatened to take her away from me and had the full financial support of her mother. I live in the South and it's unheard of for a man to win custody of a young daughter. It took me months to find an attorney that would even agree to fight for me. I felt at the time that at least I was there to balance some of the bad stuff. Had I lost custody, I wouldn't have been there at all. While separated, my wife made an effort to change. She got off the Zoloft which made a big difference. She was counseled by a pastor for our entire separation and claimed that she had been saved. I can honestly say the violent part of her is gone. She is a better mom... nothing like she was before, but I'm the one that does most of the daily chores for my daughter like cooking, homework, etc. My gripe now is that she's not involved in our daughter's life. I don't know all of the reasons Kelly stayed so long with her husband. Since he's never at home, he poses little threat to their children. I won't judge her because I wasn't there.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Good luck to the both of you. Even though the odds could be stacked against you - just stay the course. You will be ok
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