Monetigerlily Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) The pain of losing someone you loved? My story: I was married for 10 years (no kids), when I embarked on an affair with a co-worker. It began as an EA and progressed to a PA. I admit, I fell in love with my AP, as we shared many similarities in our lives as personalities, in fact he called us "kindred spirits" and "two peas in a pod." He was engaged and I was married. My H discovered our A, but I couldn't give up AP. On New Years Eve (AP's birthday), he broke off our affair due to the guilt he was experiencing over betraying his F. We stayed in contact afterwards via email and the occasional lunch date, and I admit that I still have strong feelings for him. Well, last month we had planned to go to lunch together on Monday after work (he is a pilot and I'm a flight attendant, so fortunately we don't see each other too often at work) when our co-workers congratulated him on his marriage...WTF?! We worked together the week before and he didn't say anything about getting married. Needless to say, I didn't stick around to have lunch after our flight, it was torture to hear his voice and see his face during that flight, I just wanted to get away from him as quickly as possible. After I got home that day I got a text from him "U left." No ***** Sherlock! Since then, I've tried to maintain NC with him. Last Friday, I saw him in our crew office. He and his new W were trying to get on a flight to Las Vegas, but the flight was full so they had to go home instead (awwwww!). Seeing him again sent me into a tailspin. I'm still not over him, it hurt me so much to see him happy while my life is in ruins. I split up with my H (my decision, as I'd fallen out of love with him and didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him) and he stayed with his F and married her. I know I have to maintain NC (fortunately we don't have any flights together this month or next month) in order to heal. I still think about him and miss him. I imagine him happy with her and in hurts so bad. Ugh, this sucks!! It's been over 10 months since we split up and it hurts as much as ever. Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Is it an oncoming train? For those that have BTDT, how do you heal from a break-up you didn't want from someone you still care about? Edited October 20, 2009 by Monetigerlily
adamt Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Yes it does go away. I am nearly 5 months from a break up and strict NC. I was in bits for a couple of months. I have met someone else now, who takes up more of my thoughts. it is early days but you do move on if you stay strict NC and work on yourslef and rebuild your confidence. you have to want to move on though
Author Monetigerlily Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thanks adam. Actually, I've met someone new too, who ironically has the same name as xAP. He knows about my situation with xAP and has been very supportive of me, but I don't want to lose him over my hang-up with my ex. I'm trying to replace thoughts of my ex with thoughts of my new BF, but sometimes I slip and think of him. The only times I've had contact with him is when I've run into him at work, I haven't initiated any contact since I found out he's M. When I do encounter him, I don't talk to him and try to get away from him ASAP. It just feels like sometimes I can't escape him! I admit, before he got M, I was hoping there was still a chance for us, but now that door's been slammed shut so I have to move on. Strict NC, coupled with time, seems to be the solution. Guess I'll have to wait and see.
fofiffs Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 What does your H think about the whole situation or are you still married to him?
Author Monetigerlily Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 My H and I are currently separated. We are both free to pursue other relationships, but I know he wants me to come back and repair our M. He's told me that's what he wants, but I'm just not sure that's what's best. I feel like he and I are best friends, there was no physical attraction on my part for him and after 10 years together it caught up with me and I sought a physical R with xAP. I desired him in a way I never did with my H, which coupled with our obvious mental and emotional compatibility was a recipe for heartache. I just don't think I'm ready to live the rest of my life without that physical chemistry with my partner. I still think about xAP a lot. I need to know how to retrain my brain to keep thoughts of him at bay. It tears me up to think of him and his W. Even though I've met someone else and am trying to rebuild my life without him, I still miss him and wish we could have been together. Since I now know that's impossible, I need to move on with my life, but I'm held back by thoughts of xAP. I wish there was some magical device I could use to erase him from my memory, like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or "Men in Black." Zap! Memories be gone!!
fofiffs Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 My H and I are currently separated. We are both free to pursue other relationships, but I know he wants me to come back and repair our M. He's told me that's what he wants, but I'm just not sure that's what's best. I feel like he and I are best friends, there was no physical attraction on my part for him and after 10 years together it caught up with me and I sought a physical R with xAP. I desired him in a way I never did with my H, which coupled with our obvious mental and emotional compatibility was a recipe for heartache. I just don't think I'm ready to live the rest of my life without that physical chemistry with my partner. I still think about xAP a lot. I need to know how to retrain my brain to keep thoughts of him at bay. It tears me up to think of him and his W. Even though I've met someone else and am trying to rebuild my life without him, I still miss him and wish we could have been together. Since I now know that's impossible, I need to move on with my life, but I'm held back by thoughts of xAP. I wish there was some magical device I could use to erase him from my memory, like in the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" or "Men in Black." Zap! Memories be gone!! Just give it time, you will eventually start to feel better little by little but the pain does go away. I've been broken up with my ex for almost 8 months now and the pain is not as painful as it was from the beginning. I still have some days where I feel sad but nothing major. So I think i'm on my way to full recovery. I guess the only way is time and you will eventually forget. So just stay strong and stick to NC. IT really does help alot in most cases. It's helped me to become a stronger person.
Thebob Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It does, but obviously not for my situation, cause like a week ago someone on T.V brought up the location where she lives and its honestly the most random thing he could of brought up. Then all the memories started to pour of all the great times we had on that island. Then every other day, someone brings up the movie that me and her watched when we first became intimate. It sucks ass, and I feel like it's a sign but I don't know if I should believe in that type of junk. Then the song that I listened with her a lot keeps playing on and on. And Like everyday someone says something that makes me think of her, it gets retarded, but the feelings aren't hurtful I just think of her. It does get better, soon you'll think of the stuff but it won't really affect you. Thebob, Hope this helps
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