caramel c Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 This is for anybody who has broken up with an ex and tried to convince them to give it a second chance. Please share what you actually specifically did or said, or any gestures you made. Then tell us whether or not you got another shot. Thanks!
ADF Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Why on earth would you want to get an ex back, especially if you were the one who got dumped. If they dump you once, how long do you think before it happens again? Move on already.
Author caramel c Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Oh, I'm sorry if that wasn't clear. This question is for the dumpers to answer. The ones who realized they made a mistake by dumping their ex, and want them back. I am definitely not thinking about getting back somebody I've dumped, I am just curiously asking.
bluewolf17 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I dumped him and regretted it. What did I do? I called him up and asked him to meet me. I told him face to face. He said no to a 2nd chance. I did the normal begging and pleading and crying. It didn't work. So I wrote him emails. When he would call me, I would ask him if he has resonsidered. I was persistant in that when we talked about "us", he knew clearly what I wanted, but I didn't bring it up all the time. In fact, I went NC for a few months. I think what worked for us, what the he had to be sure that I did really want him back, and that I wouldn't just break up with him again and hurt him. He had to know I meant it. He also wanted the time to find out if I was who he really wanted too. After 7.5 months apart from a 3.5 year relationship, we got back together. It couldn't be any better The break up really opened my eyes to what I want, and what I don't want, but also to my own fualts.
art_vandelay Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 My only advice is not to go about it the same way my ex-gf was trying (see the thread I started). It just causes more hurt feelings that way..
Author caramel c Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I dumped him and regretted it. What did I do? I called him up and asked him to meet me. I told him face to face. He said no to a 2nd chance. I did the normal begging and pleading and crying. It didn't work. So I wrote him emails. When he would call me, I would ask him if he has resonsidered. I was persistant in that when we talked about "us", he knew clearly what I wanted, but I didn't bring it up all the time. In fact, I went NC for a few months. I think what worked for us, what the he had to be sure that I did really want him back, and that I wouldn't just break up with him again and hurt him. He had to know I meant it. He also wanted the time to find out if I was who he really wanted too. After 7.5 months apart from a 3.5 year relationship, we got back together. It couldn't be any better The break up really opened my eyes to what I want, and what I don't want, but also to my own fualts. Well I guess he did the right thing then, being cautious. And I'm sure you value him for it.
Author caramel c Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 My only advice is not to go about it the same way my ex-gf was trying (see the thread I started). It just causes more hurt feelings that way.. Art Vandelay? That's hilarious. I'll check out your thread, thanks.
SweetyBear Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I was the dumper and my boyfriend and I just recently got back together. It took about six months for him to realize I was sincere about wanting him back and I wasn't just upset that I was alone. I am still struggling with the issues that made me want to break up with him in the first place, but it is with patience and a genuine desire to work through those issues. I have been in therapy since a bit before our breakup and I have worked very hard to understand why it was so hard for me to be secure in our relationship, but I have not completely conquered my demons yet. In some cases, walking away is necessary. For me, there are certain dealbreakers like infidelity, abuse or if he decided to take illegal drugs (bad previous experience). The issues we had that were my reason for breaking up weren't these dealbreakers. They were reason for disagreements and arguments and eventual resolution, but not a reason to walk away. By walking away, he said it made him feel like the issues were bigger than my love for him. He could not trust me because what if things get rough again, would I just bail again? I get that and I am so regretful that I didn't see it that way at the time and that I hurt him so much. For me, the only thing that made my ex realize I was serious was persistence. I didn't hound him every day, but I was consistent with contacting him and letting him know how much I cared and how I knew I had made a mistake. There were times I just felt like I NEEDED to hear from him and called/texted more than I was comfortable with because he wouldn't respond and that was really hard because I never before would've pegged myself as desperate, lonely girl, ya know? Anyway, it took almost six months for him to trust me and I still feel he tests me a bit at times. We've been back together about a month.
bluewolf17 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I was the dumper and my boyfriend and I just recently got back together. It took about six months for him to realize I was sincere about wanting him back and I wasn't just upset that I was alone. I am still struggling with the issues that made me want to break up with him in the first place, but it is with patience and a genuine desire to work through those issues. I have been in therapy since a bit before our breakup and I have worked very hard to understand why it was so hard for me to be secure in our relationship, but I have not completely conquered my demons yet. In some cases, walking away is necessary. For me, there are certain dealbreakers like infidelity, abuse or if he decided to take illegal drugs (bad previous experience). The issues we had that were my reason for breaking up weren't these dealbreakers. They were reason for disagreements and arguments and eventual resolution, but not a reason to walk away. By walking away, he said it made him feel like the issues were bigger than my love for him. He could not trust me because what if things get rough again, would I just bail again? I get that and I am so regretful that I didn't see it that way at the time and that I hurt him so much. For me, the only thing that made my ex realize I was serious was persistence. I didn't hound him every day, but I was consistent with contacting him and letting him know how much I cared and how I knew I had made a mistake. There were times I just felt like I NEEDED to hear from him and called/texted more than I was comfortable with because he wouldn't respond and that was really hard because I never before would've pegged myself as desperate, lonely girl, ya know? Anyway, it took almost six months for him to trust me and I still feel he tests me a bit at times. We've been back together about a month. Well said Sweetybear. Verry happy for the good news!
Author caramel c Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I was the dumper and my boyfriend and I just recently got back together. It took about six months for him to realize I was sincere about wanting him back and I wasn't just upset that I was alone. I am still struggling with the issues that made me want to break up with him in the first place, but it is with patience and a genuine desire to work through those issues. I have been in therapy since a bit before our breakup and I have worked very hard to understand why it was so hard for me to be secure in our relationship, but I have not completely conquered my demons yet. In some cases, walking away is necessary. For me, there are certain dealbreakers like infidelity, abuse or if he decided to take illegal drugs (bad previous experience). The issues we had that were my reason for breaking up weren't these dealbreakers. They were reason for disagreements and arguments and eventual resolution, but not a reason to walk away. By walking away, he said it made him feel like the issues were bigger than my love for him. He could not trust me because what if things get rough again, would I just bail again? I get that and I am so regretful that I didn't see it that way at the time and that I hurt him so much. For me, the only thing that made my ex realize I was serious was persistence. I didn't hound him every day, but I was consistent with contacting him and letting him know how much I cared and how I knew I had made a mistake. There were times I just felt like I NEEDED to hear from him and called/texted more than I was comfortable with because he wouldn't respond and that was really hard because I never before would've pegged myself as desperate, lonely girl, ya know? Anyway, it took almost six months for him to trust me and I still feel he tests me a bit at times. We've been back together about a month. So, you never stopped loving him? Your insecurities just got in the way? If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you consider working on this while you were together with him? I'm sure he has already asked you that question but I am just wondering why you felt it was necessary to walk away.
SweetyBear Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 The best answer I can give is that I did not believe he really loved me. I could get into all the reasons why, but I think a better place to do that is in my therapy sessions. LOL I can give you the short answer, though, by saying that he had less and less time to put in our relationship because of his job and I ended up taking it very personally. I didn't believe him when he said he couldn't. I took it to mean that he didn't want to and that our relationship and I didn't mean enough to him to do it. That, coupled with talking to friends who were only hearing one side (My side) of things and telling me I deserved more, better, etc., made it a mess and I was a mess. When I broke up with him, I felt like I was doing the right thing, but I realized only days later where my head had been and tried to reconcile right away. I was telling him just last week that I am "all in" now like I wasn't before in our relationship. Because of my trust issues and insecurity issues, I held a part of myself back. The whole thing, for me, was a case of "be careful what you wish for" and "you never know what you've got til you lose it." Seriously. I took a lot for granted in our relationship. I'm very grateful to have a second chance because he really is wonderful. His job still gets in the way, but we're dealing with it together now. And I do everything to quell the insecure thoughts when they creep up.
MeErnie Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I was the dumper and my boyfriend and I just recently got back together. It took about six months for him to realize I was sincere about wanting him back and I wasn't just upset that I was alone. I am still struggling with the issues that made me want to break up with him in the first place, but it is with patience and a genuine desire to work through those issues. I have been in therapy since a bit before our breakup and I have worked very hard to understand why it was so hard for me to be secure in our relationship, but I have not completely conquered my demons yet. In some cases, walking away is necessary. For me, there are certain dealbreakers like infidelity, abuse or if he decided to take illegal drugs (bad previous experience). The issues we had that were my reason for breaking up weren't these dealbreakers. They were reason for disagreements and arguments and eventual resolution, but not a reason to walk away. By walking away, he said it made him feel like the issues were bigger than my love for him. He could not trust me because what if things get rough again, would I just bail again? I get that and I am so regretful that I didn't see it that way at the time and that I hurt him so much. For me, the only thing that made my ex realize I was serious was persistence. I didn't hound him every day, but I was consistent with contacting him and letting him know how much I cared and how I knew I had made a mistake. There were times I just felt like I NEEDED to hear from him and called/texted more than I was comfortable with because he wouldn't respond and that was really hard because I never before would've pegged myself as desperate, lonely girl, ya know? Anyway, it took almost six months for him to trust me and I still feel he tests me a bit at times. We've been back together about a month. I'm in similiar situation. Differences? I was the two times dumpers, so this is actually our third chance. And it was him coming back after 5 months of NC. The first two break ups were rough to him since I left him without saying a word. I was confused, didn't know what I want from him. I had problem letting go of my ex of 5 yrs. I was so destroyed. It was like, one morning I felt like I wasn't able to love him anymore, then I walked away. I thought it was for the best. I don't want to hold him back because of the personal issue I was going thru. But I was wrong. Since he came back to me I couldn't stop loving him. It's been the 4th month, I want to show him I'm a different person now. I just do what exactly you do, I text and call more often just to show him that I care. I give him space when he needs. I'm always there whenever he wants to meet. In these four months, there were moments that really broke my heart. Yes it was him coming back, he said he missed me, he thought I was a very special one since there was no other girls could make him feel the same. But he also said he couldn't love me wholeheartly because of the damage I caused. In the first two months he was still talking to other girls, whom he was seeing during the 5 months NC, and the others who's been interested in him. Slowly he stopped the talking with these girls, I know it, but the insecure feeling still exists. He tests me too, in my case, not just a bit. and he hasn't let me add him back on facebook still. Trying to get your ex back makes you feel weak sometimes. I keep convincing myself that I can make it. It takes time for him to open up a bit. I don't know if it worths. I hope it does, but am also giving myself a deadline.
SweetyBear Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Hi MeErnie, Have you considered getting at the root of why you would just walk away like that more than once? If you really love him and think you are supposed to be together, maybe you could go to some counseling or something and figure it out. I know for myself that although I am a very loving and caring person, issues come up for me that seem almost impossible to overcome. It is possible, though, if you really want to and you are very honest about where it all comes from. It seems you've caused yourself and your significant other considerable pain like I did to myself and to my boyfriend. I think it's important to learn why you did it and how not to do it again. Even if he's not able to fully trust you and be in a relationship with you again, you can move on a healthier person who is able to give more to the next person who comes into your life. Just a thought. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling...I know it's not fun especially when you know it's your own doing.
MeErnie Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Hi MeErnie, Have you considered getting at the root of why you would just walk away like that more than once? If you really love him and think you are supposed to be together, maybe you could go to some counseling or something and figure it out. I know for myself that although I am a very loving and caring person, issues come up for me that seem almost impossible to overcome. It is possible, though, if you really want to and you are very honest about where it all comes from. It seems you've caused yourself and your significant other considerable pain like I did to myself and to my boyfriend. I think it's important to learn why you did it and how not to do it again. Even if he's not able to fully trust you and be in a relationship with you again, you can move on a healthier person who is able to give more to the next person who comes into your life. Just a thought. I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling...I know it's not fun especially when you know it's your own doing. Thanks SweetyBear. Yes I do and the whole thing was complicated. I had difficulties to let go of my cheating ex ex (the ex before him) and saw him more like a rebound than an official relationship. It was the worst thing I have done to anyone. I left him because I didn't know what I wanted at the time and thought it was the right thing to do. and I thought telling the truth hurt more than anything so I rather not say. It was amazing that I was doing fine with the 5 months of complete NC. Thought I would never see him or speak to him again. But once I saw him again the spark just came back and even stronger. I'm able to love him this time but he's not able to give in as he did in the past. Karma. Yes you are right. There're things that seem impossible to overcome, especially the trust issues. I don't know what to do yet. I've honestly told him about the boundaries I held (the exclusiveness, I won't allow anyone to see me as an option or a back-up). Same time I'm taking things slow hoping that he can open up his heart a bit. I hope you are doing well with your bf Any tips to keep yourself going even when you feel weak?
BigTenInchRecord Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 What's interesting about this thread is how all of the dumpers who came back were females. That seems to go against the common misconception here that once a female leaves its completely over. It just goes to show how these generalizations are for the most part BS, and every situation is unique.
SweetyBear Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 MeErnie, I can't really offer advice because I'm just learning about sticking things out even if they're rough myself. I know why I felt I could/should just bail in the past, but learning to work things out when you've never really done it has been difficult for me. Most women I talk to have trust/insecurity issues to some degree. For me, I'm learning to not talk to my boyfriend about my insecurities unless they are truly grounded in reality. I am trying to make up my mind on whether we need to have a great big talk about having not seen each other but once since getting back together. We have talked on the phone and texted and things are fine in that way. His job is still crazy, but my insecurities about not being a priority in his life are creeping back up. It's still really early in our "new" relationship, though, so I'm thinking I'll hold off on bringing it up and hope we get back into a natural emotional intimacy like we used to have. It's weird, but when you know you have your own issues, it's hard to know whether you're letting your emotions take over or whether something doesn't feel right because it's not right. I'm confident about what I'm learning, though, and I'm glad to be able to apply these lessons.
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