What's good enough?

[thinksalot]

How do you know when you should keep someone or call it off?

 

I met a women on vacation on the other side of the world and apparently she feel in love with me nearly immediately or else she's just impulsive. I thought she was cute but if she had not fallen for me I wouldn't have pursued her. She's smart and successful, a professor.

 

She asked if she could come visit me for 3 weeks to when I got back to my own country and I agreed. At the end of that 3 weeks she asked if she could come for a year. Her job lets her take a sabbatical. I said I didn't think she could get a visa for that long but if she could I wouldn't mind. She was able to get a visa for 4 months.

 

Let me assure you, she is not crazy. Even though it does sound crazy to come to the other side of the world for a situation like this. She is also not trying to get citizenship. In fact I know that in her ideal world I'd fall madly in love with her and move to her country. She's not from a 3rd world country.

 

The Good:

 

She's smart, sexy and we have a great time. I think she's in some ways the most comfortable woman I've been with outside my sister. We laugh a lot, sometime so hard it hurts.

 

She's super positive and happy.

 

I wish I could easily list more here because it's much easier to list the issues even though the good feels like a lot I don't know how to put it in words. I could say superficial things like she's an awesome cook but that's hardly good reason.

 

Let's just say I enjoy her company a lot.

 

Let me add that she's not dependent on me. She's already made several friends. She's volunteering, taking classes and even managed to get a discount on her classes by taking a job with the school. In other words, she's not a clingy needy person.

 

The Bad:

 

I'm not really attracted to her at a gut level. She's attractive, don't get me wrong. And she can dress really sexy for clubbing and stuff and she looks great. But, at some level I don't "desire" her in a sexual way.

 

I've tried to analyze that. It's possible it's that she took me to bed the first day I met her. This was all her doing and she claims she's never done something like that before (and I believe her). It's also something I've never done before.

 

She was pretty aggressive in bed but for some reason it was not that good for me. Maybe because she was so aggressive. Maybe it's that I'm not totally attracted. Maybe something about me has changed since my last relationship or I'm just old. To be blunt, she came several times, I didn't come once. Same the next night.

 

When she came for the 3 weeks we only attempted to have sex 3 times (my choice) and each time I stopped rather early just not feeling it. Still, outside of bed we had a great time.

 

There were 6 months between those 3 weeks and her 4 month stay during which I told her several times basically what I put above. She's awesome, attractive, sexy but that I'm not feeling it. I told her it seemed strange that she would go to so much effort when it doesn't feel like we are actually lovers yet. In other words, if we were lovers and in love we'd make this effort to be together even though we live so far apart but we're not lovers yet so why go through the effort.

 

Still she wanted to try and said that just friends was enough.

 

I told her either because I'm not feeling it or maybe because there was no chase, or for whatever reason I don't feel like having sex because to mean it feel like a lie as in I'm saying something with my body that I don't actually feel (strange for a man I guess?). She claimed to be fine with that.

 

So, the 4 months has started, we're about 2 months in and we've been having a great time as friends or slighty more than friends, some hugs and snuggles, but no kissing, no sex.

 

So the question at this point is, what should I do?

 

There's a part of me that feels that bluntly I should just let her go at the end of this 4 months. That the gut feeling, the fact that I'm not really *feeling* it is all that really matters. My hope was that if this was meant to be something that I'd start feeling it but so far I feel more like family or good friends than lovers.

 

On the other hand I'm 45 and this woman is truly amazing and I feel like an idiot that I'm not totally into her. I'm scared that I won't find another woman as cool as her. Scared that I'm getting old and ugly and won't be able to attract anyone soon.

 

If I asked my mom, my mom would say "nothing is perfect, she's awesome so make it work" which is arguably what my mom did. My sister might say something along the same lines as she likes this woman but on the other hand, I questioned my sister about my brother-in-law and my sister was attracted to him from the start so she's not in my situation.

 

I don't know what my dad or friends would say.

 

To add insult or to point out something I'm not proud of, I'm attracted to other women. Some of you will think that's normal as I'm a man but for me it's not. In the past when I've been *in love* I only have eyes or that girl. Other women just remind me of her. This time though, there's other women I've wanted.

 

One particularly bad example, when I was traveling and I met the woman above I was actually on the way to meet different woman, one that I was seriously attracted to. Nothing had happened between us, mostly because I had a cold while I was visiting her. But, I was far more attracted to that woman, still am, than this one even though arguably this one is a more logical match. I haven't talked to that other woman since then.

 

There have been at least a couple more women that I've been attracted to in the last couple of months which seems to emphasize the issue. Why am I attracted to these women and not the one I'm with even though I totally enjoy spending time with her?

 

What should I do?

Edited October 20, 2009 by thinksalot
to add more info

[conehead]

If she suddenly just gave up and left you right now, would u have a sudden urge to want/desire her?

[thinksalot]

If she suddenly just gave up and left you right now, would u have a sudden urge to want/desire her?

 

I don't know. I think I'll be kicking myself for a little while. I'll miss her company and wish she was still here. I'll hate myself a little for being single again by my own stupid choices. At the same time I know I'll get over it. Everyone does regardless of the reasons for the separating.

[Sam Spade]

Give your overactive mind something else to chew on.

The answer to the general question of what's good enough varies, and depends on what you expect of relationships. My expectations are low, so I don't have to agonize asking if it's good enough.

Here's a decision rule to contemplate: if you're not actually unhappy, it is hard to justify breaking things off for the sake of something else that might be there. (There isn't !)

[thinksalot]

Thanks Sam,

 

Yes, I'm not unhappy.

 

I think without thinking too much there are just a few basic points

 

*) She deserves someone that wants her as much as she wants me. Not just someone who's a good companion.

 

*) Something about a relationship with little or no desire for sex seems wrong where wrong = destined to have problems. Certainly she doesn't want a celibate life and neither do I. But, so far I can't get it up for her and yet I can get it up for myself. I don't look at or think about her sexually like I did for every previous GF.

 

I see your point. I would only say that though she is here now, she lives 11000 miles away so the amount of effort to keep the relationship going after she goes seems pretty high given that I'm not in love with her. If I was I would certainly make the effort.