SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Hi everyone. Ive been reading here for a couple of weeks now since me and my ex fiance broke it off. We were together for 3 yrs and I thought he was a very decent guy, actually he was the first guy I trusted and truly fell in love with. I have two kids from previous marriage. Initially after I moved in with him I began to notice he was a little too over bearing with the discipline. He never hit or yelled or abused...it was just too long for thier ages. We talked about it and he seemed to understand. Then it became a recurring issue for us. He was letting the stress ruin our happiness...which he always said he was completely happy with me and that I was so different from any girl he had ever been with. I felt the same of him, so I worked with him to become a better father. He had ups and downs...but mostly he just didnt seem to put a lot of effort into the relationships with them. Like I said, not mean or abusive...just kind of always the teacher...and didnt really get silly all that often and play with them. He ALWAYS expressed a desire to do better and even planned how he would do it. The problem I saw was that he never made the effort really, he always had something else to do or was too tired. A year ago he proposed to me and I felt very happy as we really started to grow together as a family. My work picked up and I started to make more money, the kids were doing great in school, and his evaluations at work were fabulous! I really believed in him! Flash forward to the last 6 mos. We broke up and got back together atleast 3 times. I lived with him, and we would always stop the breakup after a day...and sometimes not even that long. We would talk about the ways he could stop treating me and the kiddos coldly when he felt angry or disrespected...and I would be there for him the whole way! Well the last time we fought, he said "well then what the hell are we doing?" Cause I told him he wasnt trying hard enough anymore. He got pissed off and we ended it. I was there for another week. During that time we talked, had sex, and I began to pack. I thought once he saw me packing he would tell me to stop...and I think he almost did when I called him at work asking him to bring me boxes...he rushed home early that night and asked me what I had planned so quickly as he thought it would take me mos to move out. He was practically in tears and looked sick when I told him my sister (who lives in GA) found a house for me to rent that was rediculously cheap, but just several states away from OH (where we lived). But he didnt stop me. In fact he helped me to pack and even load the UHaul. We had sex the night before I left and it was so sad walking through my ex-home and knowing that I wouldnt live with him anymore. I was completely heartbroken and could barely hug him goodbye. I drove off and immediately started to sob. I think sobbed on and off the whole way. Even calling him where he said that he was glad I kept the engagement ring and that we might get back together one day, that he will always love me, there is nobody like me...sexually we had the best chemistry and he told me he would not even bother having sex with anyone else anymore, because what would be the point. I made several drunken calls when after 2 days I was finally in my own home and not staying at my sis's house. We would talk, he would tell me how much he loved me and how sorry he was...that he couldnt make me happy and that was that, and I deserved to be happy but that he hopes I dont find someone else. blah blah blah... Well the weekend before last we were talking on the phone about stuff and I was just pissed cause my kids still love him like a dad (he basically demanded to be in that position) and they like to call him, he never calls us. Josie (my dd) would call and talk...and then not hear from him and it would make her sad and she would ask if she could email him or call him, I started to let her send emails that I would type for her (she is only 7 and not the speediest typer) it was hard to type the one that said "daddy I miss you so much and love you...why dont you ever call me and let me hear your voice?" She is still making the effort and he has decided we are no longer worth his effort! So when I read that email, I just got furious and called him...telling him off for that. That didnt go well and I initiated NC, well last Saturday I noticed him on an adult personals website where he had joined looking for "sexual weekends" and his ideal match section said "I just ended a long term relationship and am just looking for an attractive girl who is built and very sexual to come hang out at my house on the weekends!" OMG~this man told me he would have to be alone for a looooooong time after losing me, and then found that? About died...felt sick...wanted to throw up...really threw my progress for a loop and I couldnt help it. I emailed him and told him what I saw. He wrote me back and said that it was drunken mistake that he doesnt even remember...but it tells the time he joined and he was most certainly not drunk, the *******! What a ****ing slap in the face! The last email I sent said "R-- you dont owe me any explanations...no worries...bye" At last my faith in him is COMPLETELY shattered and its like I dont even know who he is anymore! And Im left wondering how I could have been SO wrong! OMG...he really had me fooled! REALLY! I dont know what to do with this pain and anger Im feeling about being led on and lied to! He says he is able to look back at our time together and feel happy, I said that must be nice to be able to look back at all our good times and not think they are HUGE lies! What am I gonna do? I dont know...
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 have been the hardest ever. I tried to call him Monday night...he didnt answer but I did hear him say "hold on" to someone, he didnt know he had picked up, I guess...but anyway. He hasnt emailed me back...I feel so terribly sad. Its gut wrenching, really to believe everything he told me was such a lie. I guess no one really has anything to add to this...I guess I will just use this as my place to go when I want to contact my ex, and shouldnt! I will only get "Im not good enough for you", "I dont deserve your faith", "I live with the fact that this is all my fault". Its all bull and doesnt make me feel any better, it makes me feel worse that he doesnt want to fix what he has done! Owell, forget about him...I will!
hellothar Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 It sounds to me like you put more into this relationship than he did. He sounds like a big talker who says he is going to make changes but never does. You should 100% stop all contact with him and even more do not look up what he is doing. It will only hurt you more and make your recovery time that much longer. Also do not have sex with him anymore, it will hurt you much more than anything especially when you say you connected so well through it. Sex can't make this better, only him making real change can. Do not contact him, do not look him up, and do not make changes for him. This really is all on him. He wants to do as little as possible to keep you there, hence him only getting worried when you actually go to leave. He needs to change, he can't keep saying things will change and do nothing about it. Actions speak louder than words, and until he changes his act all together it would be better for you to stay away from him.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I found this website by trying to find answers for my own self, but after a few days of reading, it is amazing and heartbreaking actually realizing how many other people are looking for answers or relief from their situations. What I'm hearing in your situation, SoConfusledandHurt, is that you really tried to change this man you have been with. It sounds like you were displeased with his overbearing discipline, and disappointed in his lack of effort in your relationship toward you and your kids. It seems you've spent all your time trying to change him, and unfortunately that sent the message that he wasn't good enough. Maybe he wasn't good enough for you. You were probably acting by what you really needed, and that was to get away from the situation. You've spent so much time and energy trying to get the relationship you want, trying to form him into the way you want him to be! It just doesn't sound like you were truly happy with him, or that you were really in love and committed to HIM. That's ok! You need to be in love with someone that you don't feel you have to change. Very fortunately for you, you had not married yet, so this separation or break up will be easier. So in that way, you are in a good place right now.
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 I know you guys are right about that! REALLY I do! But wtf, this pain has just hit me SO hard these last few days since what I saw! I know I will have to cut contact with him, but it just hurts that he told me I was irreplaceable, only to be looking to replace me in that way...like thats all I was good for...but then I know thats probably not why he did it...I just dont know anything. I spent 3 yrs with this man, we were only away from eachother ONCE for 4 days. During the whole time we lived together...I thought he was my friend and always would be. It just hurts that the only thing I really asked from him was to be a bit warmer and nice...and that we just werent worth the effort. I truly believed that he adored me and would never be able to lose me. And now he is acting like a completely different person and its killing me inside. I know that I will be ok, Ive had another bad break up before and I know this pain doesnt last...its just that with my first ex we broke up and no contact RIGHT away...with this guy, not so...the kids still want to talk to him, although now that I think of it, it just seems silly for that relationship to continue...since he didnt think enough of my kids to want to stay in their lives, he is only doing them a favor. Ok Im just getting all my thoughts out...thats what Im going to do here...I love the comments EVEN when its something I dont want to hear OR dont want to think about...I still just need this! I know this will pass, I just know it...but until then my stomach feels like its in knots!
MrFun Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm not sold on the idea that Ms. Joolie and Ms. Joolie have. No person can really changed, unless they realise and understand what the other person (you in this case) want and mean. I don't even think he's that much of a big talker, but probably just ticks a little differently than you do. In a way, this guy sort of reminded me of me. My ex-gf would try to tell me things. She thought she was being very communicative and direct, whereas I didn't hear it at all. She also claimed that I was too tired or things seemed to get better but only for a little while. Could it be that you two just have different morals and priorities when it comes to raising children? Your children don't seem to mind his way of doing it, and possibly they might even like his strictness a little. Often women get deeply annoyed when the guy raised children in a way that they think is too forceful or strong, but often that's the balance a family needs, you know? Don't worry about the ad either, don't take that personally. It could be that this guy is destroyed and wants something, anything, to get his mind off of the breakup. I did that as well, but never actually pulled through with it. Pardon my interpretation if it's wrong, but I think you just don't love him anymore. It's probably the best that you go separate ways.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I've noticed a trend in men - not all men, but still - that after a long term relationship is over, they can go haywire regarding women and sex. From my point of view, that is because something that they had for so long is now gone, and so they recuperate from that loss by trying to fill the void, as logically or quickly or in whatever way they feel they need. That something that your ex-fiance has that he is now missing is a woman. So don't be insulted that he feels the need to recuperate from this loss. It doesn't mean he didn't love you. Most likely he just doesn't know a better way to ease his loss. I'm not entirely sure from your post if you want the relationship to be over or this is just a separation. Do you hope things work out between you all or are you over with it and ready to move on? I think it's obvious to say that if you want this relationship to work, there will be work that needs to be done. (Communicating and working toward a happy relationship and such) However, if you don't want this relationship to work, then the hurt feelings that you have over him trying to ease his loss and recover are a given - especially if you are searching for him on the internet! Take heart! There is a whole, new happy life in store for you! Whether it is with him or not, I hope that getting away from the situation gives you the opportunity to see your life in a new perspective... and then make those choices that open you to the life and love that you want.
MrFun Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 From my point of view, that is because something that they had for so long is now gone, and so they recuperate from that loss by trying to fill the void, as logically or quickly or in whatever way they feel they need. I don't know about other men, but this is what I went through: I gave my ex-gf everything I had. I tried to listen. I tried to change. I tried to communicate. But in her eyes it was never enough. I gave up every woman on the planet to be with her. After she left, there was a huge void and a whole lot of effort that was made gone. The feeling was, I gave everything, she took it all. If that was right or not, I don't know, it was just was I was feeling. The most scariest thing for many men is, being lonely after being dumped. Self-esteem was subzero. As a woman, when you go out, you can dress nicely, tell your friends you would to find someone for the night, and just sit at the bar eyeing down every guy that walks in. (This is a gross overexaggeration and I know not many woman even WANT to do this), but you will quickly see that there are at least some guys out there that still find you attractive. Men on the other hand, they can dress up nicely and go to the bar and sit there all alone all night long and noone talks to them. They usually don't try to talk to anyone because they fear rejection and their ego can't take it. That how it was for me. So the first thing you do, is "get back on the horse" and often it's just something as stupid as putting an ad on the Net to get any old slutty woman to come over. Don't mistake that for any comparison to you. They'll sleep with the woman and think of you and down a few beers afterwards and feel miserable. It's all about the ego. Depending on the guy, he'll do things that seem more extreme than ever, the more he loved you. I think it's obvious to say that if you want this relationship to work, there will be work that needs to be done. (Communicating and working toward a happy relationship and such) I don't think it has to be over. But I think there has to be, as you said, more communication. And that means from both sides, IMHO.
Ms. Joolie Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 (edited) Could it be that you two just have different morals and priorities when it comes to raising children? Your children don't seem to mind his way of doing it, and possibly they might even like his strictness a little. Often women get deeply annoyed when the guy raised children in a way that they think is too forceful or strong, but often that's the balance a family needs, you know? I like this, and definitely agree. I don't mean to make the ex-fiance seem like a bad guy at all, but the relationship wasn't working. That doesn't mean that she's at fault or that he's at fault. It just means that there was no workability between the way that he is and the way that she is, however that way of being might be. She wasn't married to him, though, so that makes her option of leaving for a better situation that much easier. I think, SoConfusledandHurt, that you really wanted out of the situation and the break up pain you are experiencing is the result of your own choice. Now it's up to you to work for that better relationship with someone, be it him or someone new. (Or just relax and enjoy life single and as a mother for a little while!) And thanks for sharing your stories, it really helps me think things through... which is all I'm doing. I rather not "give advice", but just share thoughts. Edited October 21, 2009 by Ms. Joolie
MrFun Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think, SoConfusledandHurt, that you really wanted out of the situation and the break up pain you are experiencing is the result of your own choice. Now it's up to you to work for that better relationship with someone, be it him or someone new. (Or just relax and enjoy life single and as a mother for a little while!) I agree, too! The ball is in your court. All the best to you and your children, SoConfusedandHurt :-)
Ms. Joolie Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I agree, too! The ball is in your court. All the best to you and your children, SoConfusedandHurt :-) haha! You misspelled her name! =)
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 You sound A LOT like him. He has said the very same things to me...I finally did tell him his discipline wasnt the problem anymore, it was his lack of warmth in the relationship. He just needed to spend more leisure and fun time with the kids. He would randomely do things, but as soon as it didnt go the way he wanted it to, he would never suggest it again. It always seemed to be what was fun to HIM, not the kids. Except he would play board games with my daughter and she really liked that. When I left the relationship, I wasnt even sure what the hell was going on. And honestly thought that he would ask me to stay. When he didnt I was hurt. But I was ok. Im still ok...its just ups and downs... MrFun how long have you been broken up with your ex? Did you ever feel like you wanted to be with her again?
MrFun Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 SoConfusledandHurt (and I hoped I spelled your nick correctly this time ), first off, I am not your ex, but maybe there are some things I can help you with? He just needed to spend more leisure and fun time with the kids...as soon as it didnt go the way he wanted it to, he would never suggest it again. It always seemed to be what was fun to HIM I heard that towards the end too. Here is the exact quote: "all the small things that I saw as important, the ones that I told you about, you classified as no big deal? No, you always pushed for what you wanted." I guess that is pretty much what you are saying as well. He seems like a strong-minded person and he probably knows that that is he biggest problem, but at the same time, he can't change his spots. Morals and discipline sounds like the way he sorts out his problems in life. How was his father to him? Maybe your ex thinks he's a mile better than his father? My dad, for example, never did anything with me. In all my childhood, just one trip to the cinemas. I would have loved a boardgame a year Another quote is something you could be saying to your ex as well: "You always gave me the feeling, after we had had talks, that things could and would get better. But somehow nothing much changed or just for short. In the passed few days I’ve often felt scared that I might be doing the wrong thing." This is all Womanese to a guy. All he sees is that she's leaving and there's nothing he can do about it. Reading the quote again, is shows me how uncertain she was. And I believe you are uncertain as well, you'd like him to make it the way it was again (?) and take the initiative, right? And honestly thought that he would ask me to stay Did you show him that, directly? Remember men can't read passive signals no way near as well as women can. They basically do not exist in a man's communication MrFun how long have you been broken up with your ex? Did you ever feel like you wanted to be with her again? Oh, it's the second Christmas coming up now. I actually did want her to come back for a while, but I realised she wasn't it. To make a long story short. I met her 8 years ago. Quickly she moved in, because we fell in love and she had to move out. She used to be on drugs and anti-depressants. Family was problematic. She is scared of conflicts and has major problems with her "walls". She cheated on her ex-bf and eventually cheated on me as well. We stayed together, but my heart wasn't in it. She then left unexpectedly last August during a very difficult time in my life (dad was very sick, problems at work, and I was suffering from a weird syndrome I had been putting off). Never heard from her again, except two emails. So I guess you and she are a LOT different, I suspect So, yeah, I am glad she's gone, but I do miss her. We got on so well for many years. In the end, I don't want to be with her. All I can really say is communicate communicate communicate.
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 I probably could have been clearer...no doubt...but I dont know I just thought it would work out! I never thought we would break up, thats why I said yes...I would marry him. These changes are what he expressed he wanted to make to be a better person, he is still going to make them regardless of if Im there or not..."I have some other bad qualities that I need to work on...not just for the next "gf", but for everyone around me" (I had told him that I was so sad to know that he wasnt making these changes for me, but for another gf..thats why he quotes that). Now MrFun, its your ex that sounds more like him now lol, except he never cheated. With 'walls'...I hate that term, it sux! He would do that to me when we fought...put up a protective wall and ignore me...it always made me feel SO sad! Then after telling me how different I was from everyone else in his life, he would proceed to treat me just the same! That did drive me crazy! I never did anything mean or out of line to him...I never cheated and was so loyal. He was too, or so I thought...I guess I still think so too...Im just not so sure anymore that I can trust him. He did the same thing after his divorce to his ex, on aff...put up a profile asking for sex. She cheated on him, and I could certainly understand that...but he has said over and over when I asked him and told him I was so scared that he would move on and find another...he said...NO I could not replace you, I will always love you, why would I even bother having sex with someone else, after Ive had you...your the best...blah blah...(which I didnt used to think was so blah blah...I trusted him totally! Now after this, I know he is definitely on the hunt to go ahead and replace me, sexually...anyway) Im going into Columbus for a Dr appt on the 5-9th, its going to be so hard not to call him and see what he is doing and try to get together with him. But I wont. I went out on a small date last night, it was nice and I had a bit of fun...nothing serious...just out for fun! Maybe I should just continue to go on several dates, hehehe...I have em lined up...might as well have some fun, while Im feeling like a rejected idiot!
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Also...both of his parents are deaf and he says they are his anti-rolemodels. His mother used to call him "stupid ugly brat" all the time, and his dad took him out for a milkshake once I think...other than that he was to help out with his younger brothers and behave. Another issue that we had was with his ex wife, he had a chance in another girls life...her daughter was around the same age as my daughter...BUT...he got to know her when she was a pretty small toddler of just 1. They grew pretty tight. And he has continued to pursue his relationship with that little girl. One of the most damaging things he ever did to our family was... We had a fight the previous night...not speaking much to eachother...and him not speaking much to my kids. I was slightly irritated, but we had a few errands to run, so we are all in the car. My daughter is asking him q's and he is barely mumbling any response. Then his phone rings, and its his other step daughter. His voice becomes highly animated and he starts to baby her on the phone "ohhhh hi baby...how are you, daddy misses you too! I love you too...OH REALLLLLY? WOW thats awesome baby" and it continues on. I look back at my daughter who has been trying all day to talk to him lightly...and she just has this look on her face like she is about to cry. He hangs up the phone and I ask him to take me home as I feel very sick all of the sudden. So we do. I couldnt help it. I went off on him in the garage. What is he thinking doing this to his family? Why would he do that in front of Josie as he hasnt been speaking to any of us all day! He felt bad and I told him that my dad had offered to help me get my own place...he immediately went and told Josie how sorry he was, how he was going to be a better daddy for her and that he loved her. I was SOOOO happy to see this that I actually fell in love with him again. And this lasted for some time...well after several months of good, he asked me to marry him and we began that chapter.... *sigh* that was a really bad/good day!
scatterd Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Im sorry you are hurting.I was a single mother also it took a while to find the right person.I went on dates with men a few times I did not bring them around my kids a first I waited to see what kind of person they was.It was important that they loved children and had good morals.If they did not show intrest in my kids I moved on.It sounds like your kids got attached.At first my husband had a hard time they had to get use to the idea of him being a dad.He did not handle things the way I thought he should but I would explain to him why and why not I did things a certain way he did the best he could.He helped to raise them right.I let him punish them when they was wrong.He did it in a good way but I was gentle so it was hard at times.Im glad he did our kids would have walked all over us if he did not handle it the way he did.They have grown up wonderful we are proud of them.Any way he needed the support from me.I think your man was doing only what he new how to do and your kids loved him.When you left and he did not stop you he most likely thought he could not stop you that you had made your mind up and was not happy with him.The only thing I can think of is that you move on now and when you meet someone else dont let the kids get to involved intill you are married.Make sure they adore your children as if they were their own.If you love this guy and beleive hes the one you might want to tell him what you exspected from him when you left but if feelings are not there move on.You will find a good man and have a wonderful family.It will take time but its worth it.Make sure they are who you want them to be so you dont have to ask them to change.Maybe this guy was not the one.I wish the best for you and your young ones have fun with the kids and enjoy your time with them the right one comes along when you least expect it.:bunny:
Ms. Joolie Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 ...might as well have some fun, while Im feeling like a rejected idiot! Awww... you don't have to feel that way! You left the situation you were in because you were unhappy, whether you fully realize that or not. You couldn't continue doing what you were doing. You needed to get away, and your children needed this. Don't you feel like you see things in a new light already? It's all for the better, I'm sure of it. Just leave the past behind. Start fresh.
Author SoConfusledandHurt Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Sometimes I just get so upset. He has conflicted himself several times here...as I said on the way to GA he told me on the phone that who knows that the future holds that we would probably get back together. He told me he was glad I kept the engagement ring, as it might be one again...someday. He told me that he doesnt want me to find anyone else. Then in the same breath (or sentence) he will tell me that he is sorry he ruined my trust, that he doesnt deserve my faith. That he is so sorry he let me down, that that is something he will have to live with for the rest of his life. That he is so sad and feels overwhelming sadness because of our being apart. But he will not apologize and then make it right. He will just apologize. Im so sorry. And it just pisses me off beyond belief! Plus he makes no contact, only returns calls and emails. He hasnt picked up the phone once to say that he misses me or anything like that! I do love him, and at this point if I thought that he truly thought that we were all worth it, I would love to have my home and family back! Im so scared that Im going to move on and he is going to realize too late and then there will never be anymore us! Im not sure why that scares me, I just wish he wouldnt have just given up on me/us! He was my one true! (I thought!)
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