Lying eyes Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I thought this question would invoke ire amongst the honest women in this forum. I'm starting to think I am a complete anomoly though in relationships. Honesty for me is one of the most important components of a healthy relationship. I see men and women alike putting up with lies and cheating in their relationships, continuously forgiving their partner. My STBX thinks I am psycho (her words) because I expect complete honesty and am outraged when I am lied to. She says I am not normal for thinking this way. She has no problem lying to friends, family, and her husband to get out of a commitment. How important is honesty to you? Could you justify lying to your partner? Family? Friends? I'm not referring to a "white" lie about how you look in those jeans. I'm talking about anywhere from "the kids are sick so we can't go out" when they are really fine and you just don't feel like going out, to "I had to go to the ER because i hurt my back so I can't see the kids" when you really didn't.
hopeful1980 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I value honesty, especially in my marriage. The only time I lie like the examples you gave is with my job. LOL!
confusedinkansas Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Lying is not gender specific I know many men who lie. Some well, some not so well.
KikiW Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I value honesty above nearly everything else in the relationship. I was lucky enough to find a partner who demands the same level of honesty I do and it's amazing how easy our relationship is because of it. My ex had his secrets, and they caused enormous problems for me and struck my trust button like a hot poker. HIS ex will STILL lie to his face and it drives him insane.
TaraMaiden Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Honesty simply isn't necessary, providing you write everything down, cross-reference, and make careful note of what lies you tell, to whom, when, and why. Lies when drunk are the best, because then you can just deny everything. Lying is great fun, especially when you're playing two people off against one another, because it's entertaining watching the fall-out. God, I'm such a liar.......
BetterThanThis Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Absolutely, honesty / trust is one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship. I've had problems with friendships most of my life because of this. If I ain't worthy of the truth, then you ain't worthy of my friendship. My wife tells those not so white lies. It's usually something of little consequence, but when I find out she lied, I'm pretty upset. It's a downward spiral. Lie because she doesn't want to upset me just to have me 10x as upset when I find out.
JustLooking123 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: No. There are no women anywhere in the world who value honesty.
RedDevil66 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 I think all humans value honesty, we all just get a little lost sometimes.
Author Lying eyes Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 RedDevil, I wish that were the case. I think for some people reaching their own ends will justify dishonesty. I don't think getting lost has anything to do with it. Everyone has their own set of personal ethics by which they conduct themselves by, and for some, lying just is not part of that. I am not perfect. I have lied in the past in the way that I have called in sick to work when I was really just sick of work. But I can't ever recall in my life telling a complete and total lie while looking at someone in the face. The kind of people that do that, aren't just a little lost, they are operating under a completely different set of ethical standards. What the hell does communication even mean if we can't trust each other? If you lie to me once, I will second guess anything you say to me from that point forward.
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 (. . .) But I can't ever recall in my life telling a complete and total lie while looking at someone in the face. The kind of people that do that, aren't just a little lost, they are operating under a completely different set of ethical standards. What the hell does communication even mean if we can't trust each other? If you lie to me once, I will second guess anything you say to me from that point forward. I love your forum name, by the way..... is that an irony, or what - ?? :laugh:
EcstasyX6 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 RedDevil, I wish that were the case. I think for some people reaching their own ends will justify dishonesty. I don't think getting lost has anything to do with it. Everyone has their own set of personal ethics by which they conduct themselves by, and for some, lying just is not part of that. I am not perfect. I have lied in the past in the way that I have called in sick to work when I was really just sick of work. But I can't ever recall in my life telling a complete and total lie while looking at someone in the face. The kind of people that do that, aren't just a little lost, they are operating under a completely different set of ethical standards. What the hell does communication even mean if we can't trust each other? If you lie to me once, I will second guess anything you say to me from that point forward. Yes, I agree. It's definitely about your own personal set of ethics. I am a reformed ex liar. During therapy, I got to the bottom of myself, so to speak, and realized that I learned lying from my family. i.e. While growing up, small I was told that if cashier gave me too much money, it was his or her problem, and I should keep it. My Dad would make me promises and never keep them and hide his true feelings which hurt me to my core, and yet I ended up repeating the same behavior in my marriage. When I heard myself teaching my children not to lie, it shined a spotlight on my heart, and I really began to see what I was doing, but that alone didn't stop me. My STBX was the biggest victim of my lying; everything from finances to an EA. After he caught me by checking my phone records, and simply by my transparent behavior(Hah! I thought I was so clever), I began to see how bad things were. I lied because it was easy, protected my ass, prevented someone being angry with me and allowed access to what I wanted. It eroded the fabric of our marriage. He was and is honest to his core, and I have nothing but respect for him. We had other problems as well, but on my part, that was big, and probably if I had been able to communicate with him honestly, he wouldn't have spiraled off into his own world. Now, honesty is the gold standard for me and it feels so good. Unfortunately and sadly, my ex won't benefit from my new way of looking at life, and someone else will, but at least I learned a hard lesson while I'm still relatively young. My children will also benefit, even though I've always taught them it's wrong to lie, they'll see a better mother. I'm sure I was doing things around them that were dishonest without even realizing it because it had become part of the way I lived. It would be nice if only honest people find each other and fall in love, and the liars stuck together.
SummerLady Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Its the most important thing to me, always was, which floored me when I was cheated on in my marriage as I always always expressed honesty first. I have made this very clear in my present relationship and my SO is the same way. No matter who or what, just be honest. There is no other way to me..I hear you though, my good friend cheated on her husband for 3 years and claims to have the best marriage in the world, wow that's a new one!!! People can't even be honest with themselves and we expect them to be honest with us? Maybe that is the issue afterall.
pollswolls Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Do any women value honesty? Are you kidding with this gender specific question? I know several men that lie so much that it's a wonder they can tell the difference between a lie & the truth. 1 man in particular - lies to his family to avoid extended family functions, lied to his wife about his whereabouts frequently, lies to his boss. Another man lied to his wife, his married girlfriend - then when she went away, he got a new married girlfriend & lied to her too. I go to a local pub from time to time & almost every married man in there lies to his wife about being there. So don't be so specific. MEN lie HORRIBLY!!
silktricks Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 some people lie some people don't doesn't seem to be gender specific to me. in answer to your question, though. I am a woman and I value honesty. Valuing honesty, though does not ipso facto mean that you won't/can't forgive someone who has lied to you. I value humans. Humans make mistakes. Sometimes they lie.
Neutrino Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I don't lie, especially not to people I care about, and not at work. If my SO shows up in a horrible shirt, I'd tell him straight out - IMO it is better than letting him go out in public in it. I don't lie at work because I then run the risk of loosing something much more important than what I was trying to hide : my credibility, whatever went wrong can happen and people make mistakes, that's life. I appreciate if others treat me the same and no, I don't take offense nor mean any... I only use white-lies-light when an absolute necessity and would not hurt anybody, or I myself have nothing to risk, like to traffic cops when they bill me for speeding...
Jersey Shortie Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 No one wants to be lied to. But people lie to protect themselves first, the person they are lying to second. But just because the person is lying to protect someone, doesn't mean it's right or healthy for that person. I have lied and probably most likely will lie again. But I try not to. I want to be able to be the most honest person I can be.
TenaciousWoman Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I did not read all of the posts on here, but I am a woman who is SOOO honest that people either LOVE me for it (I always gets comments like 'You always know you get what you see with " ") , or some think I am just plain WEIRD. When you are too honest (to a fault) many people just do NOT know how to take you--they simply are not used to people being this REAL. Example, I was asked to be in a friend's wedding when I was younger & I bluntly told this person I was not willing to spend that kind of money for a few hours. I mean this was RUDE! I have grown up a great deal since then and learned how to refine my truthfulness as not to wound people, but I am still blantenly honest with everyone in my life. Honesty does have it's Price. I used to be a Christian, have fallen away from believing the supernatural in the bible , so now other judge my faith. Most people would just keep their questions to themselves & go with the flow to keep peace. Then many people (girlfriends, spouses, friends) claim they want honesty, then can NOT handle it when it is given. There is a balance, and you need to know WHO are you dealing with --to be truthfully 100% honest with them. Luckily for me, I can to TOTALLY 100% honest with my husband and he knows he can with me. But I think most marraiges do not have this, you have to be "this kind of person" to be able to hear even the bad stuff and not freak out , and take it all too personal.
Neutrino Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I did not read all of the posts on here, but I am a woman who is SOOO honest that people either LOVE me for it (I always gets comments like 'You always know you get what you see with " ") , or some think I am just plain WEIRD. When you are too honest (to a fault) many people just do NOT know how to take you--they simply are not used to people being this REAL. Example, I was asked to be in a friend's wedding when I was younger & I bluntly told this person I was not willing to spend that kind of money for a few hours. I mean this was RUDE! I have grown up a great deal since then and learned how to refine my truthfulness as not to wound people, but I am still blantenly honest with everyone in my life. Honesty does have it's Price. I used to be a Christian, have fallen away from believing the supernatural in the bible , so now other judge my faith. Most people would just keep their questions to themselves & go with the flow to keep peace. Then many people (girlfriends, spouses, friends) claim they want honesty, then can NOT handle it when it is given. There is a balance, and you need to know WHO are you dealing with --to be truthfully 100% honest with them. Luckily for me, I can to TOTALLY 100% honest with my husband and he knows he can with me. But I think most marraiges do not have this, you have to be "this kind of person" to be able to hear even the bad stuff and not freak out , and take it all too personal. True. However, in my experience, it is also a good filtering system : after all - those who "can not take it" are less likely to be as honest anyway, and may be the kind of people you don't want around you. So if they get offended easily and leave - it is not such a huge disaster...
Meaplus3 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I expect 100 % honesty. Really without honesty what is there? Just my thoughts here. Mea:)
HUFI Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Yes' date=' I agree. It's definitely about your own personal set of ethics.[/quote'] So, you grow up, you create a personal set of ethics based on the morality of the FOO and society you life in. Add in a bit of expousure to the "real world" and the increasingly shades of grey that crop in ones head and heart and poof ... something strange happens. Honest people learn to lie and liars learn to sound honest. All I know today, is that one year ago, everyone would have described me as upright, honest and a good husband. Now, if they only knew the truth, I would be considered a two timing, cheating son of a bastard. The journey betweeen was not marked by a single solitary act of dishonour or a single lie. No, it was unfortunately marked by a whole lot of small "white" lies, a sprinkle of half truths and a p[inch of trickle truthing. Hmmm, perhaps that now explains why I don't see a honest, truthful man in the mirror anymore in the mornings. Pity, what a shame. I kinda of miss him and I know my BS does.
shouldaknown Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 I am living with the most dishonest person I have ever met...reason he lies...unknown, to both him and myself. I believe he may have some psycological issues more than anything. I haven't left because of reasons I am still working on (we are not carrying on as if we are together, at least I am not), but he knows I know he is a liar and he really doesn't understand the hurt that came with the lies. I am a very honest person, also to a fault but having dated a few men in my life I can say there really are alot of people (men & women) who lie and have no understanding that it hurts others. They should all have "I am a liar, take your chances" tattooed to their foreheads. Just my 2 cents.
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