allhopelost Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Today it has been 16 long days since I found out about the affair (WW). I wish I could say I am feeling better, but it is a lie. I can’t quite put into words the feelings I am having, as they are feelings that I have never experienced like this before, but I will try. Anger – it is a slow burning emotion that is governing all my thinking and actions. Everything I am doing personally in my life at this very moment is driven by or shaped in some fashion by this anger. Betrayal – I feel as though everything I have ever trusted in my whole life has been a f***ing lie. All the “I love yous” and “Babes” and laughter and tears have all been nothing but lies. I honestly don’t believe I will ever be able to completely trust ANYBODY ever again. This bothers me and feed my slow burning anger. Hate – I feel hatred at almost everything and everyone. How can one love something that he feels hatred towards? Can you both love and hate at the same time without feeling hypocritical and phony? Jealousy – I am extremely jealous of my partner’s affair and her ability to be so damn selfish. I feel like she is getting to do things and experience things that I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO. I cannot imagine being as irresponsible and self centered to ABSOULTLY CRUSH MY SPOUSE for a f***ing romp in the park. Despair – Probably the worst feeling, as there is no hope in this place. How can I get past something so damn traumatic without wearing the scars of my partners indiscretions in my mind and on the expressions on my face eternally? Fooled – This one really p!sses me off because I used to take pride in my ability to know what was going on around me, especially regarding those that I loved. Shame – This really is the big deal for me. I feel like my wife has shamed me and taken all my dignity away from me. It is the worst possible thing that she could have done to me. I feel destroyed. I feel like everything that me and my children meant to her were cast aside like garbage and with no thought of repercussions. RAGE – This scares me the most. After all the other emotions build up over the hours I am overcome with RAGE. I honestly believe that if I were to lose control I could seriously do harm to someone or even myself. Fortunately this feeling is very brief.These are the prominant emotions I am feeling probably 75% of my day. The other 25% of the time it is a myriad of the following emotions: Sadness – I probably feel this from feeling negatively about everything most of the day. I believe what happened was traumatic, selfish, uncaring and mourn the fact that our marriage, my feelings for my wife, my memories of our life together over the last twenty-plus years will never be what it was prior to the infidelity. Humility – goes without saying Lust – In spite of all my other feeling, I feel the need, almost a sick desire to try and prove to my wife that I am capable of feeling this way, sort of a last ditch effort to prove to her that I am also a man. Futility – I feel as though everything we are trying to do to save our marriage is going to end up a wasted effort and will only lead to more pain down the road. I hope this is not the case, but I feel the need to accept the fact it is a possibility. Remorse – I feel this because I know I wasn’t there for my wife emotionally and though not a justifiable reason for her to cheat, it was a contributing factor. Hope – Believe it or not, there are moments when I feel I really do connect with my wife. They are very brief yet very sweet. I need to deal with all my other emotions or I feel that this one, positive emotion will be drowned out and lost to me. Love and Forgiveness – I feel love for my wife, though not the strong, intimate love one would hope to feel for their spouse. Right now it is more of a fatherly love, one that recognizes that their child has made a mistake and loves them just the same. I want to completely forgive my wife for what happened, and I honestly feel she is worth the effort, worth fighting for, but the road I find myself on is one that is leading me into the unknown, I just hope I can keep making the right turns when I come to the intersections…
scatterd Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 All of these feelings are normal you have been hurt in the worse way.It is going to take time to feel better.Its hard to trust when you put all of your trust into your partner and they betray you.Im sorry you are going through this I would not wish it on anybody.So many mixed emotions come along with this.My prayers are with you.
FreezorBurn Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You have company, I'm in same boat. Take comfort that my roller coaster is wose then yours.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 have you considered divorce? I know, its suppose to be a knee-jerk reaction:rolleyes: but what is your alternative? Staying with this "woman" and always being suspicious? Being exiled to a life of being reminded here and there of her screwing another guy? Best way to alleviate pain is to get rid of the source of the pain.
MadMission Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 allhopelost, The number of feelings and the intensity to which you feel them...is staggering. So brutal. Was it a ONS? You referred to it as a '"romp in the park." If so, that is actually good news in terms of the posibility of R. I liked your very realistic comment under "Futility." I think you are being honest with yourself here. You likely have always believed infidelity to be a deal-breaker warranting D. But, now that it has happened to you in your M....you pause. But, the reality is...it may remain a deal-breaker when all is said and done. Under "Love and Forgiveness": Part of this is being able to incorporate your W's betrayal into your marital history together in such a way that you never forget, but that it's place has little significance and meaning in the here and now. This will take time. But, can be done. Take care of yourself.
Church Bells Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Best way to alleviate pain is to get rid of the source of the pain. I tend to AGREE!!! DISCLAIMER: My experiences have caused me to form an opinion that BH/WW situations are much harder to recover from than BW/WH, due to the underlying motivations and feelings of WW's, along with the weaknesses of BH's in dealing with the fallout of their WW's betrayal. Although I chose to attempt recovery, and at 27+ months some parts of our M are definately better. However, the gains pale in comparison to the immediate AND residual pain. We had a VERY GOOD M, despite my FWW's attempts to re-write our marital history immediately following her drunken ONS to justify the unjustifiable. Now some parts of the M are better and some are irretreivably lost, with the NEW whole being less than it was Pre-A. Therefore, I have formed the belief that in the vast majority of cases, the proper response for a BH, in the wake of discovering his WW's infidelity is to proceed immediately to D.
boldjack Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 These feelings you have are going to continue, probably for the rest of your life, IF you decide to stay in the marriage. Just the fact of her continued presence, will remind you of it every day. You can get through this, but to reconnect to your wife , in the same way isn't going to happen. Your children and you come first. DO NOT consider your wife, AT ALL. Think only of what is best for the kid and you. IMO, You will only heal, when you have found a new, better person to love. Someone . who loves you , for you. You should divorce, and Set yourself free from this person. She has destroyed the marriage, NOT YOU!!!!
Author allhopelost Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Was it a ONS? You referred to it as a '"romp in the park." If so, that is actually good news in terms of the posibility of R. No, it started as an EA for 3-4 weeks and a PA for 10-12 weeks.
Author allhopelost Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 You likely have always believed infidelity to be a deal-breaker warranting D. But, now that it has happened to you in your M....you pause. But, the reality is...it may remain a deal-breaker when all is said and done. My feelings exactly - Part of what has me so confused!! Under "Love and Forgiveness": Part of this is being able to incorporate your W's betrayal into your marital history together in such a way that you never forget, but that it's place has little significance and meaning in the here and now. This will take time. But, can be done. This is what I feel I need and, surprisingly, what I want...
2sure Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 After feeling all of those things, I'm sorry to say I seem to have leveled off with complete indifference. Its a cold feeling.
MadMission Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 it started as an EA for 3-4 weeks and a PA for 10-12 weeks. Well...this is actually not horrible...in terms of ability to R. Affairs which lack an emotional piece and are brief and purely physical, are generally far less damaging to the WS than a LTA which is both deeply emotional & physical. Your W's A falls somewhere in the middle as a E/P shorter-term A. Unfortunately, there IS that emotional piece...which can be the kiss of death to the M. Has your W been able to abruptly sever ALL CONTACT with OM? Has she expressed deep regret about it, and not just because she got caught? Has she shown a WILLINGNESS to do whatever it takes to help you and the M heal? If these 3 things are true, then the emotional piece may not be so damaging to her, thus not a stumbling block to her ability to rekindle her love and feelings for you. There is hope. That's her. Now for you. You may or may not be able to get over her A. How she manages the aftermath of d-day will largely influence you either way. It's only been 16 days. While these have been the longest, most painful 16 days of your life, it's really not much time at all. Too soon to tell if her A is, in fact, something which can be incorporated into your marrital history and mostly fade into the past as an ugly blip on the screen of your life. You will NEVER forget it, of course. And, it may turn out to be a deal-breaker afterall. And, that is OK. YOU should carry NO guilt for HER choice to exit the M. Keep your head straight about that. Technically, she already ended the M. But, you are giving her a 2nd chance. If she blows that chance, then you default back to HER having ALREADY ended the M....then, begin to process the paperwork to accurately reflect that (D.)
Snowflower Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Well...this is actually not horrible...in terms of ability to R. Affairs which lack an emotional piece and are brief and purely physical, are generally far less damaging to the WS than a LTA which is both deeply emotional & physical. Your W's A falls somewhere in the middle as a E/P shorter-term A. Unfortunately, there IS that emotional piece...which can be the kiss of death to the M. Nice post, madmission. Did you mean to the BS in the bolded part above? I like what you wrote above. I agree with what you said. I know it is different for everyone, but I knew I could eventually come to terms with the fact that my husband's A was at least a short term one. I would have had a difficult time with one that had lasted for a long time without my knowledge...I think I would have felt too 'duped' to ever trust him again. As it was, I knew something had gone horribly wrong in my marriage even though for a lot of reasons, an affair was the last thing that I suspected. So, I wasn't being betrayed by my H and clueless about it at the same time. No, I knew something was wrong...even before I found out the truth. OP, good luck to you. I know it hurts like h*ll...but it's only been 16 days. Please do not rush to make any life changing decisions when you are in the middle of so much emotional pain and turmoil. How you feel now will be different than you will feel in a couple months' time and then again different from how you will feel at 6 or 12 months. Just...give it time. There is no need to rush off to make even more difficult decisions unless it is absolutely necessary. Just rest for now, regroup and see how you feel when your feelings have settled down.
road Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 allhopelost It takes six months from d day to process what happened. This is why BS's are told to wait before they make any important decisions.
stampdaddy Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Can I ask? Did she get "busted"? This is important for a couple of reasons. One, if she did, then this affair would still be going on, there is no doubt about that, and it would continue for who knows how much longer. And two, if she did get busted, chances are just shy of 100% that there is still contact. Let me tell you, the 15 or so weeks that you "know" about, could be longer, and I promise you, even though the "physical" part reads that it was longer than the emotional, it was ALL emotional for her! And still is.
Author allhopelost Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Can I ask? Did she get "busted"? This is important for a couple of reasons. One, if she did, then this affair would still be going on, there is no doubt about that, and it would continue for who knows how much longer. And two, if she did get busted, chances are just shy of 100% that there is still contact. Let me tell you, the 15 or so weeks that you "know" about, could be longer, and I promise you, even though the "physical" part reads that it was longer than the emotional, it was ALL emotional for her! And still is. Yes, she did get busted. We have talked and she believes the A would still be going on if she hadn't. I don't like to hear this, but I would rather she tell me the truth and have it hurt than to lie. The week before she got "busted" she threw away a necklace that her AP had given her. She claims, and I tend to believe her, that she was looking for a way to get out of the A the two weeks leading up to discovery. Although I think she knew in her heart what she was doing was wrong on every level, she felt obligated, trapt, whatever in this relationship and in her state of mind didn't know quite what to do, or if she did, she didn't have the strenth to make the break. We also discussed a few of the marital problems we were/are having and their impact on enabling her to make the poor decisions (EA/PA) that she has taken ownership of and I/we believe that even if she had ended it with him she would have still been vulnerable to infidelity with the next sweet talking predator. Bottom line is that there was/is something broken in our marriage and unless we can fix it, or rather are willing to fix it, there is no chance this will work out. I do believe that all contact has been terminated between between her and the AP. They work together, in different departments, and although i am not comfortable with the arraingement, it is the best we can do for now. I have also taken measure to be alerted whenever she travels outside of expected locations, and am keeping very close tabs on cell phone/computer usage. I still do not trust her and will contine to verify every detail of her day, including snooping through her belongings, until her actions prove to me that she being 100% truthful and honest 100% of the time with me. Anything short of that is a deal breaker for me, and she knows it. Any unreported contact withthe AP is a deal breaker for me and she knows that as well. I am electing to give her the benefit of the doubt, just this one time, not because of feelings of honor and duty and love, but out of the belief that good people can make bad decisions and choices, and had the shoe been on the other foot, I know that everything I am doing for her and our marraige would be what I would want, more than anything in the world, from my BS...
Author allhopelost Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 There is unfortunately often a tendency of the WS to continue contact after d-day. Or they just temporarily lay back until things are calm again. I know that my fMM told his now xW t least 3 times that we were no longer in contact while we were always in constant contact. He was just more careful about how he did it. This is my biggest fear, by far... I know statistically this is very likely to occur, and I get the feelings of betrayal return with sickening intensity every time I think about it...
Dexter Morgan Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 This is my biggest fear, by far... I know statistically this is very likely to occur, and I get the feelings of betrayal return with sickening intensity every time I think about it... and this is why i advise divorce in 98% of the cases. why live in fear? Why worry about what your untrustworthy spouse is doing? get rid of that which causes your fear.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 This is my biggest fear, by far... I know statistically this is very likely to occur, and I get the feelings of betrayal return with sickening intensity every time I think about it... No doubt, that is why you're going to have to play goalie for a while. It is our job to play rooster around the wife at times to make sure all the bucks out there know that she is taken....it's all about the competition. You have to ask yourself " is she worth it?" and if so, fight for her.
Author allhopelost Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 No doubt, that is why you're going to have to play goalie for a while. It is our job to play rooster around the wife at times to make sure all the bucks out there know that she is taken....it's all about the competition. You have to ask yourself " is she worth it?" and if so, fight for her. Thanks for the Hockey reference...that made me smile...I am definately playing rooster and she is worth it to me...Right now she is in the penalty box and I am guarding the door.
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