anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 As long as it takes is the answer. Just like any other loss in someones life. That is if her husband wants to try and work it out, if he does then he needs to accept the grieving process she is going through. If not he is free to walk away while his wife grieves. As long as it takes? What if it takes 6 months? A year? Is it reasonable to ask the H to accept that? Why on earth should he? Should he be grateful that his WW is still with him? Although some say the WS made their own bed and should suffer in silence as to not upset the BS more. Because the BS is feeling far worse knowing that the one person they thought they could trust in this life has betrayed that trust. Their pain is worse than that of the WS. The only stories that I have heard where the marriage recovers is where the BS HELPS their WS get over the grief. Those that take the hard line seem to limp along or end all together. Well in that is the case, then my marriage is the exception (but somehow I don't think so). There was absolutely no way that my H would tolerate me openly grieving the loss of the ex-OM. I just had to deal with that (with the help of IC). It would have killed our marriage if my H had to help me through that. How incredibly selfish that would be to ask the BS to do that! On the topic of the thread, the OM may or may not try to contact you. It all depends on how he is feeling. If you are really over it, it should not really matter so that is what you need to decided. On topic, if the ex-MM contacts the OP, she does need to practice any response. She just does not respond. Simple.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 As long as it takes is the answer. wrong answer. a BS shouldn't wait for years for their cheater to snap out of their funk. its as if the cheater needs to be afforded comfort and understanding, and the BS just needs to sit and take it....as if the BS hasn't been put through the mill enough. But I expect this response from someone who cheated on his wife and blamed her for it. That is if her husband wants to try and work it out like the cheating wife in question is working it out while pining for the other man. yup, looks like the BS is the only one in your mind that needs to pony up and put in the effort...again, from reading your past posts on how you dealt with your betrayed wife, this comes as no surprise. if he does then he needs to accept the grieving process she is going through. and what is it that the grieving cheater needs to do for her H during the time she is still pining for the OM? Although some say the WS made their own bed and should suffer in silence as to not upset the BS more. Tell me how that helps build a foundation to rebuild from? The only stories that I have heard where the marriage recovers is where the BS HELPS their WS get over the grief. Those that take the hard line seem to limp along or end all together. what you are suggesting is that the BS be a spineless lapdog and sit there and take it. I can concede that the cheater will be grieving for some time. But to say that the betrayed need to deal with it "as long as it takes" is utter bulls##t. IF I were to stay with a cheater, which I won't, I'd give them one year to snap out of it. If after that they still pine for the other man, then she can move out.
Devil Inside Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 BEG...he may very well contact you. So...knowing the possibility exists...you need to do whatever you can to prevent that from happening. You have no control over him...but you do over your behavior. So get rid of any vehicle of communication that he would use to get a hold of you...delete email account(s), change phone numbers, delete IM accounts...whatever. Do not go places where you know you might run into him. As for you still having feelings...of course. However, because of this, you really need to control you external environment...so that you do not have to rely on your internal control or self discipline. Doing this will show positive and tangible steps of you moving on to your H.
Devil Inside Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 yes, how long should the H put up with this? The should is really up to the H. This is where he has to determine how much he is willing to risk. If he were to walk away today...I wouldn't blame him.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 The should is really up to the H. This is where he has to determine how much he is willing to risk. If he were to walk away today...I wouldn't blame him. of course it is up to the husband. Just trying to get an idea of how long people think the average betrayed spouse should put up with a WS's crap.
Devil Inside Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 of course it is up to the husband. Just trying to get an idea of how long people think the average betrayed spouse should put up with a WS's crap. My therapist told me it can take about a year. However...I would think that it would be easier for the BS to stay if they felt the WS was taking steps to really get over their grief...and really taking steps to reinvest in the marriage. So I think when you said it a year..it was a pretty fair estimate.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 i actually sort of like dexters response to just give the phone to my husband. but i feel like that might bring up additional pain for my husband. its not his fault if the OM contacts me, why should it be brought back up in his face as a reminder. then again im not sure that my husband would like me not telling him about it either. so i need to find a way to show him im being honest, but also to limit the distress it causes. i think i would go for the simple ignore it route. im just more concerned on how i should deal with it from the inside. its easier to not care about someone if they dont care about you back.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 i actually sort of like dexters response to just give the phone to my husband. but i feel like that might bring up additional pain for my husband. its not his fault if the OM contacts me, why should it be brought back up in his face as a reminder. because it will show your husband you are serious about getting rid of the other man.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You are better going for complete honesty with your H about any contact from the ex-MM. Your H can decide what is and is not too much information. If he suspects you are hiding anything from him, how can the trust be rebuilt.
boldjack Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 MBEG, Barracuda has (in his in his own angst-ridden way) a very good point. Your focus should be on your marriage. The OM should be nothing more than an outside distraction.....That said, If he contacts you (which he may or may not do) show the message to your H and BOTH of you make a decision , how to respond or whether to at all. This will further your desire to restore your husbands trust in you, and will help you handle the situation in the best possible way for both of you.
boldjack Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 BTW, many of us posters really want to help you, so be straight forward with us, and don't try to be deceptive. If you really held your marriage "sacred", you wouldn't have had an affair, in the first place. Don't try to snow us. Good Idea to prepare though>
pkn06002 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) Oh Dexter you are too funny, How do you have any idea what it takes to recover? You pull your great advice from where, since you personally failed in recovering your marriage. You always say you would never stay with a cheater so how do you know what it would take? You give good reasons for a BS to walk away but not for staying, let alone how to recover. As mentioned grief takes the time it takes, only the BS can determine if they can take it. If they can't they leave, if they can they suffer through it they might successfully rebond with their WS. So if it takes 6 months, 1 year, 2 years whatever the BS determines what the deal breaker is for them. Nothing is forcing them to deal with the grief their WS goes through. No the BS should not be grateful that the WS stated with them. Just as a WS should not be grateful that their BS decided to "keep them". It is a joint decision that people make for whatever reason(s). There are reasons the WS strayed in the first place and why in the world would someone be grateful to come back to a relationship with those issues still in place? Unless ALL issues are resolved and the old marriage is thrown away and a new one put in place nothing will happen. Guess what the grieving process effects that ability to move forward until resolved nothing will move anywhere. For those that think the pain a BS feels is worse than a WS?? Really unless you have been on both sides of the equation (which I have not) you can't make that statement. anne1707 from what I have seen on forums the way you "successfully" recovered by suffering in silence is not typical. It does seem to be the preferred method of BS's though, especially those that have not recovered their marriages successfully. I know for me personally I did what you did and guess what got a different result, my marriage limps along. As mentioned over and over it takes different paths to "successfully" recover a marriage. What worked for one person may utterly fail for another. Edited October 20, 2009 by pkn06002
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 dont make false accusations. you dont know me. you pick apart pieces of emails and try to make assumptions on something i quickly wrote. or throw in something two weeks ago and use it as present ammunition to prove a point in an evolving situation. only AFTER the affair did i realize how precious and sacred my marriage IS.
boldjack Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 That's all you have to say. Just be clearer in your posts, so we can get the right info. I'm not picking on you , I'm just not clear on your thoughts.
pkn06002 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 dont make false accusations. you dont know me. you pick apart pieces of emails and try to make assumptions on something i quickly wrote. or throw in something two weeks ago and use it as present ammunition to prove a point in an evolving situation. only AFTER the affair did i realize how precious and sacred my marriage IS. Don't take anything you read here personal. I know that is a hard thing to do when your feelings are so raw at this point. Remember lots of hurt and righteous people post where their feelings are also raw (sometimes years later). Others are looking to help and need facts to work from. This is all difficult but you will make it through it, life will continue. Just be honest with yourself about what you need to do and be. If you really want your marriage be open and honest. If your husband cannot take that he end the marriage just like you can.
delirious Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Oh Dexter you are too funny, How do you have any idea what it takes to recover? You pull your great advice from where, since you personally failed in recovering your marriage. You always say you would never stay with a cheater so how do you know what it would take? You give good reasons for a BS to walk away but not for staying, let alone how to recover. As mentioned grief takes the time it takes, only the BS can determine if they can take it. If they can't they leave, if they can they suffer through it they might successfully rebond with their WS. So if it takes 6 months, 1 year, 2 years whatever the BS determines what the deal breaker is for them. Nothing is forcing them to deal with the grief their WS goes through. No the BS should not be grateful that the WS stated with them. Just as a WS should not be grateful that their BS decided to "keep them". It is a joint decision that people make for whatever reason(s). There are reasons the WS strayed in the first place and why in the world would someone be grateful to come back to a relationship with those issues still in place? Unless ALL issues are resolved and the old marriage is thrown away and a new one put in place nothing will happen. Guess what the grieving process effects that ability to move forward until resolved nothing will move anywhere. For those that think the pain a BS feels is worse than a WS?? Really unless you have been on both sides of the equation (which I have not) you can't make that statement. anne1707 from what I have seen on forums the way you "successfully" recovered by suffering in silence is not typical. It does seem to be the preferred method of BS's though, especially those that have not recovered their marriages successfully. I know for me personally I did what you did and guess what got a different result, my marriage limps along. As mentioned over and over it takes different paths to "successfully" recover a marriage. What worked for one person may utterly fail for another. Great post PKN, totally agree there, well said.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Oh Dexter you are too funny, so much for ignoring me:o How do you have any idea what it takes to recover? I don't know any more than you do. But what I do know is your idea of blaming your wife for your infidelity is definitely the wrong direction to recovery. You pull your great advice from where, since you personally failed in recovering your marriage. I would have failed to recover my marriage if I wanted to recover it and it ended up in divorce anyway. I didn't want the marriage, hence I didn't want recovery. i wanted free from her. You always say you would never stay with a cheater so how do you know what it would take? Again, I know just as much as you do. Still blaming your wife for your cheating? You give good reasons for a BS to walk away but not for staying, let alone how to recover. thats because some people advise on recovery, some people advise on leaving. I'm of the latter camp. again, you are right, I won't stay with a cheater, but I have a pretty good idea what it would take for me to recover IF I stayed....and I know one thing....recovery would be impossible if a cheating wife were to blame me for her choice to cheat as you have done with your wife. As mentioned grief takes the time it takes, only the BS can determine if they can take it. If they can't they leave, if they can they suffer through it they might successfully rebond with their WS. So if it takes 6 months, 1 year, 2 years whatever the BS determines what the deal breaker is for them. Nothing is forcing them to deal with the grief their WS goes through. gee...no kidding? I asked the question because I wanted to know how long a WS thinks a BS should put up with it. Because if the roles were reversed, I don't think the answer would be the same. I already know how you, a cheater, thinks about the length of time a BS, like your wife, should put up with your pining for the other person..."as long as it takes"....well gee...that answer works well for you and your ilk doesn't it? anne1707 from what I have seen on forums the way you "successfully" recovered by suffering in silence is not typical. It does seem to be the preferred method of BS's though, especially those that have not recovered their marriages successfully. I know for me personally I did what you did and guess what got a different result, my marriage limps along. is that any surprise since you put the blame for your cheating on your wife? I could ask you, what do YOU know about recovery. Based on what I read about your attitude regarding your affair.....not a whole lot. ok, now back to your regularly scheduled thread:rolleyes:
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 dont make false accusations. what false accusations were made? only AFTER the affair did i realize how precious and sacred my marriage IS. precious and sacred? while pining for the OM? ok:confused:
pkn06002 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dexter I do ignore you most times, since you are on my ignore list. But I do see your posts before I log in and you do have some interesting things to say. But I can say this I know more than you do since I am at least working with my wife trying to recover out marriage. I guess I really should say she would know more than you do, since she is trying. She unlike you did help me through the grief after I tried to suffer through it on my own. I will say that gave me one of the biggest feelings of love knowing she was hurting but she still was willing to support me through my grief of the OW. Why do you always want to bring my situation into a thread? This is not a thread about me. But like I posted above there are reasons that every WS strays, you want to say I blame my wife (your opinion) I see what I have listed as my reasons for straying. Many of those items still exist, so that new marriage that needs to be created to successfully recover has not been built. Look if you want to discuss my situation feel free to PM me. I will gladly give you an update. Now can we go back to the topic of the thread?
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Also you need to grieve the loss of MM and your relationship. I believe I read this even on the surviving fidelity boards. You can't just jump from MM to elevating your H to the skies. That will come in time. Right now you are severing your bonds to MM. LOL It just hit me what I wrote here!
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 But I can say this I know more than you do since I am at least working with my wife trying to recover out marriage. anyone can go back and read your posts and realize you aren't working on anything. so, still blaming her for your cheating? I guess I really should say she would know more than you do, since she is trying. now that would be an accurate statement.....your wife is trying, but she is fighting a loosing battle with a blame shifter. She unlike you did help me through the grief after I tried to suffer through it on my own. I will say that gave me one of the biggest feelings of love knowing she was hurting but she still was willing to support me through my grief of the OW. and you did what for her? Why do you always want to bring my situation into a thread? because you are a "do as I say, not as I do" poster. it just sounds funny that you would post what you do, when you blamed your wife for your infidelity, then pretend to know how to recover a marriage. As you said, your wife knows what to do, but you don't. doesn't take someone that has recovered a marriage to realize that from your story. This is not a thread about me. But like I posted above there are reasons that every WS strays, you want to say I blame my wife (your opinion) I see what I have listed as my reasons for straying. yes, blaming your wife. Then in your posts you said that you simply don't want sex anymore, my guess is because you want it, you just didn't want it with your wife any longer, and that you don't put any effort into recovering the marriage. You just wanted to stay married but had no interest in making it right with your wife. It was all about you, you, you. but yes, back to the thread, maybe if you are going to advise people on how to recover a marriage, tell them that first you didn't want to make an effort in recovering yours, and left it all up to your betrayed wife.....see if your advice is taken seriously.
pkn06002 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dexter again you are so entertaining I have tried most of the things people claim to work guaranteed and they did not. So call me a skeptic of those ideas that are guaranteed to work. Again if you want an update PM me so as to not thread jack. If you have this personal of an issue with me just ignore me.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dexter again you are so entertaining I have tried most of the things people claim to work guaranteed and they did not. So call me a skeptic of those ideas that are guaranteed to work. of course they aren't going to work as long as you still blame your wife for your cheating.
jwi71 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 BEG... I suspect your MM will try again. They typically do. And when he does...you must immediately inform your H. Hand him the phone, forward him the email...whatever. It requires 100% honesty and transparency. What will you do when your MM calls and says his W tossed him and served him with papers? But you aren't. You have already violated NC. And will do so again I suspect. Have you been 100% honest about your A to your H? That is...your H knows his name, his phone number, that he was a co-worker (wasnt he?) and so on? Why have you NOT sought out the help of friends and family? Have you begun IC yet? How about MC? Have you sat your H down and offered to answer any question? What lies and secrets remain? What can you do to become open and honest? Why did you begin an A? What was missing? Have you told your H this? Lastly...just as you have only recently discovered how good your H was...your H may realize how bad you are and leave. If that is NOT what you want...then ACT so he has no reason to leave. It took me almost 9 months to file for D from my WS...and we had a few good days too. I'm sure my now xW thought it was "ok".
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 anne1707 from what I have seen on forums the way you "successfully" recovered by suffering in silence is not typical. It does seem to be the preferred method of BS's though, especially those that have not recovered their marriages successfully. I know for me personally I did what you did and guess what got a different result, my marriage limps along. Seeing as my H is sitting beside me tonight and knows what I am doing plus agrees with what I am posting, I would say that we are making a success of recovering. Please note the lack of "quotation marks" dont make false accusations. you dont know me. you pick apart pieces of emails and try to make assumptions on something i quickly wrote. or throw in something two weeks ago and use it as present ammunition to prove a point in an evolving situation. I have only referred to things you have posted in the last two DAYS or so, not weeks You have already violated NC. And will do so again I suspect. Have you been 100% honest about your A to your H? That is...your H knows his name, his phone number, that he was a co-worker (wasnt he?) and so on? Why have you NOT sought out the help of friends and family? Have you begun IC yet? How about MC? Have you sat your H down and offered to answer any question? What lies and secrets remain? What can you do to become open and honest? Why did you begin an A? What was missing? Have you told your H this? What can I say apart from ditto. Seriously BEG. I have been where you are now. You just don't get it. Hopefully you will soon before it is too late for you and your H to repair and save your marriage
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