do i need to be prepared for him to try contact?

[pkn06002]

Seeing as my H is sitting beside me tonight and knows what I am doing plus agrees with what I am posting, I would say that we are making a success of recovering. Please note the lack of "quotation marks"

 

Well congratulations

 

I don't agree with your path, but then the end goal is all that matters.

[anne1707]

Well congratulations

 

I don't agree with your path, but then the end goal is all that matters.

 

 

Sounding a tad bitter to me.

[pkn06002]

Sounding a tad bitter to me.

 

How can I sound bitter? There is no inflection or tone to judge by?

 

I would say more jealous but bitter no.

 

Like everyone my affair shaped/changed my views of relationships and not always for the best.

[anne1707]

My mistake then Not always easy when all you have is text. I do appreciate that I am extremely lucky to be with my H.

 

I really do wish the best for the OP but I do genuinely feel that she is still entrenched in the affair and has lost sight of her marriage

[pkn06002]

I really do wish the best for the OP but I do genuinely feel that she is still entrenched in the affair and has lost sight of her marriage

 

She is a week out from the start of NC, do you not remember that pain?

 

That pain masks all feelings for anyone one or anything. Until she gets past that she will not know which way she will go.

[anne1707]

She is a week out from the start of NC, do you not remember that pain?

 

That pain masks all feelings for anyone one or anything. Until she gets past that she will not know which way she will go.

 

Week out of NC? I wish! I work with the ex-OM on a daily basis. Desperately looking for another job but in the meantime I have to speak to him just about every day. The OP has got it easy in that respect.

 

But do you know what? Because I focussed on my H and not the ex-OM, I am still here with my H. He has also been following this thread and agrees with everything I have posted.

[pkn06002]

Week out of NC? I wish! I work with the ex-OM on a daily basis. Desperately looking for another job but in the meantime I have to speak to him just about every day. The OP has got it easy in that respect.

 

That is one situation I know I could not handle. But the fact you have it harder than she does, does not minimize the pain she is feeling.

 

But do you know what? Because I focussed on my H and not the ex-OM, I am still here with my H. He has also been following this thread and agrees with everything I have posted.

 

Well of course he agrees with what your posting, everything you did benefited him. He won the OM lost, that is easy to understand.

 

Not everyone can make the quick turn and focus on their marriage like you did. Going by some of your posts your marriage was pretty good and something you wanted to return too. That is not always the case. For some people seeing that it is something worth returning too cannot be determined until the grieving is done. I know this because I fit that and guess what I tried to make that quick turn it did not work for me.

 

I am not sure how long your affair but that has a big effect on how fast you can refocus as well. From some of your postings I assume it was pretty short.

 

My xOW did not do what you did we had contact for months after NC was supposed to be established. All that did was drag out everything and made more pain all around.

[anne1707]

I am not sure how long your affair but that has a big effect on how fast you can refocus as well. From some of your postings I assume it was pretty short.

 

 

Pretty short? How does three years grab you? Not short at all really.

[pkn06002]

 

Pretty short? How does three years grab you? Not short at all really.

 

WOW you were able to turn your focus that quick after a 3 year affair?

 

Your husband is a luck man, since what you did is not typical from what I have read here and other places.

[anne1707]

WOW you were able to turn your focus that quick after a 3 year affair?

 

Your husband is a luck man, since what you did is not typical from what I have read here and other places.

 

 

No. It was not that quick but I also realised that was MY problem, not HIS. Plus I am a lucky woman because he gave me that chance.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

ok anne. this explains it all. youre sitting there writing like such a bada** because your husband is reading it. you cant say how you felt or the fact you could possibly have missed him for months. even if my H one day moves on and we reconcile fully, i still wouldnt sit there in front of him and write about it. geesh. and no need to be defensive on this, i commend you for coming as far as you have. but honestly, this sort of just puts all of your posts into perspective for me.

 

and to answer some other things. i do work with MM. not daily but frequently. im on vacation now. when i go back we will see each other many days a week. but we dont have to interact and so i will be able to maintain NC. theres no "personal" time at work that we could even discuss it.

 

i agree PK. im not wrong for feeling pain over this. over the destruction of my marriage. over how ive hurt my husband, OR over ending it with a man I may have loved for so long. just like any relationship with intimate feelings/moments/whatever it will take some time to move on. AND i cannot completely do that until i make my way through all of this. Im not abnormal for hurting. especially a week out without any formal explanations or goodbyes.

 

What will you do when your MM calls and says his W tossed him and served him with papers? wouldnt do anything, hes already made his choice and with that came losing me. ive already learned a lot about who he really is as a person. i wouldnt even consider giving him a second chance.

 

But you aren't. You have already violated NC. And will do so again I suspect. i have not violated NC since making that decision for myself.

 

Have you been 100% honest about your A to your H?

That is...your H knows his name, his phone number, that he was a co-worker (wasnt he?) and so on? my husband knows ALL. way more than i think i would want to know.

 

Why have you NOT sought out the help of friends and family? friends, yes. a close few. theyve helped tremendously. family, not so much. cant bring myself to tell them the terrible thing ive done yet. and H and i decided together to keep this quiet as we make our way through this. neither of us wants to feel awkward with the family sitting at christmas dinner.

 

Have you begun IC yet? How about MC? Have you sat your H down and offered to answer any question? IC yes, MC scheduled.

 

What lies and secrets remain? What can you do to become open and honest? only secret is that i havent told him i am hurting over this part of it.

 

Why did you begin an A? What was missing? Have you told your H this? yes we've discussed it. i cant talk about the reason behind it due to anonymity reason (due to leagal/work issues in case someone might read this). but through IC ive been shown the major issue was not with the marriage. but my marriage suffered a MAJOR blow because of my lack of self esteem in other areas: social/profesisonal.

Edited October 20, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl

[anne1707]

OK BEG. You obviously have it all sussed. WTF do I know. Oh hang on, I'm happily married.

 

I have genuinely tried to help but I now officially give up because IMO you really do not want to know.

[Snowflower]

OK BEG. You obviously have it all sussed. WTF do I know. Oh hang on, I'm happily married.

 

I have genuinely tried to help but I now officially give up because IMO you really do not want to know.

 

anne1707, well you DID try to help her. I guess it isn't only the BS 'who are full of it' it's anyone who doesn't say exactly the right thing.

 

I learned here that sometimes the harshest advice is sometimes the best, most helpful advice that I received.

 

I thought your advice/ideas were right on!

[wheelwright]

I feel for you MBEG.

 

I agree with Dexter that your question means you are still partly obsessing. But I don't think you are wrong for doing so. It is natural. Part of grieving. But maybe if you can think of future contact from xOM as 'ghostly', not part of something still alive, then maybe you will tearfully let it go.

 

I am in the same boat wondering about future contact, though NC is much longer. If something still feels alive in you, then how will you respond? How can you not respond with the joy that an alive love brings? So, try to understand if it is dead or not. Sounds like you/he have killed it to me. If it is dead, it doesn't matter what happens if he breaks NC. You won't be there 'inside'.

 

What I felt before NC is still alive. Wounded big time. I cannot reconnect with my H until the death throes are over. Don't know if that will ever happen.

 

I guess it's the hope of what might be that has to die. And famously hope dies hard if at all. New hopes to replace it are the best medicine, so as another poster said, make things happen that you will look forward to.

 

Make your future a good place, and the past will recede. Or alternatively live in the present!

 

Wish I could take my own advice.

[Virgo1982]

Mine contacted me a few weeks ago saying he missed me and how he wishes he was married to me <yawn>. I told him his wishes matter about as much as his whining and that he should be a man and DO SOMETHING for his FAMILY. Then, since he found me on a networking site, I blocked him. He doesn't have my phone number, my email addresses, my home address, etc. Now, if he is bold enough, he could come to my job, but I seriously doubt he would. Whether he does or doesn't, my response will be the same and I hope you look at your situation in the same way.

[tami-chan]

In MY experience, my xOM/MM (well, he is divorce now) contacted me after I broke up with him in FEB....to this day he is still trying to win me back. I sure am not "obsessing" over him....as I have moved on already....

 

I think we should just focus on what MBEG is asking here...help on what to do if xOM/MM contacts her(very REAL concern, as it actually happens a LOT)...that's all...all these accusations of "obsession" is really not helpful and frankly, I think, is designed to hurt the OP.

 

I agree with Dexter's suggestion about giving the phone to the H...but I think MBEG, you should talk to your H first and ask HIM what he wants you to do should the xOM contact you-that way the decision would come from him. I also agree with DI's suggestion to rid yourself with those external factors-emails, phone numbers, IMs, places you are likely to bump into, etc.

 

Good luck!

[boldjack]

MBEG isn't obsessing about the OM, she is mourning the loss of her illusions. Give her a break. MBEG, whatever you do about your OM trying to contact you, do it as a couple. The two of you have decided to try to reconcile, so this is an issue for both of you. I would sit down and communicate your concerns with your H and form a "game plan", should the attempted contact occur.

[Samantha0905]

to think that a person can instantly drop an intimate relationship that lasted over several years without thinking about it is ridiculous. the human mind doesnt work that way. theres a range of feelings from memories to sadness to remorse and regret. but you cannot just stop the thoughts. every day when i see my husband im reminded of what ive done. there are reminders everywhere.

 

out of sight is not out of mind.

 

I agree.

 

You've already blown one half with dynamite.

 

 

 

 

What you fail to understand that this forum is exactly FOR the OW/OM looking for help. There IS pain involved with losing your xAP and THIS is where she should come to talk about it. To berate her about having pain over the loss of someone she loves is to miss the entire point of these boards.

 

Just because she is mourning his loss doesn't mean she doesn't love her H. You obviously haven't been in this position, so you wouldn't understand.

 

This forum is for HER. She is grieving. And it is OKAY for her to grieve the loss. She is asking for help.

 

Besides, this entire thread was about her asking if she should prepare if her xMM contacts her. She is asking about the experiences of other OWs and what they have done. Sticking to the topic and not reaming her for her feelings might be helpful.

 

It is okay for her to grieve and she will grieve for a while.

 

Still with CB here on this.

 

If the OP was truly committed to her marriage, she would not be starting thead after thread moaning the loss of the ex-MM. When referring to her H, she thinks he does not know why she is crying. WTF! She cries over another man in front of her husband! Ofcourse teh husband knows this.

 

And to say at that her marriage is sacred or that the one thing she is certain of is her marriage is absolute nonesense. If her marriage was sacred, she would not be posting here in the OW/OM forum looking for sympathy over losing her affair partner. She would be posting in Infidelity looking for support and help in saving her marriage. Plus how can her marriage be certain when she is thinking of someone else all the time. Also if the "problem" in her marriage is one she can "fix" on her own, why did she not do that before.

 

I am not going to cut her any slack. I am posting just the way I see it. I have posted to other threads started by BEG with the aim of trying to help her but she disregards posts that do not tell her what she wants to hear.

 

I'm sure she doesn't need you to "cut her slack." It's more than likely of no importance to her.

 

BTW, many of us posters really want to help you, so be straight forward with us, and don't try to be deceptive. If you really held your marriage "sacred", you wouldn't have had an affair, in the first place. Don't try to snow us. Good Idea to prepare though>

 

Wow -- the hammer of judgment is named boldjack. Good to know. LOL It must be nice to be perfect.

 

 

 

As mentioned over and over it takes different paths to "successfully" recover a marriage. What worked for one person may utterly fail for another.

 

That is most definitely true.

 

 

Anyway, BEG -- I'm sure he will probably try to contact you. I think you're asking because in some ways you want him to and in more ways you don't. Over time, you will want him to less and less. It's difficult at first -- very difficult.

 

i agree PK. im not wrong for feeling pain over this. over the destruction of my marriage. over how ive hurt my husband, OR over ending it with a man I may have loved for so long. just like any relationship with intimate feelings/moments/whatever it will take some time to move on. AND i cannot completely do that until i make my way through all of this. Im not abnormal for hurting. especially a week out without any formal explanations or goodbyes.

 

This is so true also! Don't let people passing judgment on you bring you down. You have every reason to grieve. A week is nothing. Give it more time and you will heal.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is so true also! Don't let people passing judgment on you bring you down. You have every reason to grieve. A week is nothing. Give it more time and you will heal.

 

 

fair enough....but how long should her husband put up with her grieving and pining for the other man?

 

and no, "as long as it takes" is not an answer. I would think if a year has passed, and she is still "grieving", that she shouldn't blame her husband if he decided to file for divorce.

 

I'll give you all that a BS that decides to stay should realize that the cheater can't just drop their feelings....but a BS shouldn't have to put up with it for too awful long.

[Samantha0905]

fair enough....but how long should her husband put up with her grieving and pining for the other man?

 

and no, "as long as it takes" is not an answer. I would think if a year has passed, and she is still "grieving", that she shouldn't blame her husband if he decided to file for divorce.

 

I'll give you all that a BS that decides to stay should realize that the cheater can't just drop their feelings....but a BS shouldn't have to put up with it for too awful long.

 

Just as an aside -- and I know we haven't agreed on much yet -- I love the show, "Dexter."

 

I haven't read back and don't recall the entire thread, but if it were me and my husband knew about the affair I would do everything I could to act happy in front of him until I actually felt happy. If a person decides to stay with a betrayed spouse who knows of the affair, I hardly think the BS should have to watch them suffer over the ex-AP. I would try my best not to let him see I had any heartbreak over the affair and try my best to let him see I was putting 100% effort into the marriage. If my husband didn't know about the affair (and this is the case with me), I would (will) do all I can to work on the marriage and treat with him respect and love in the future.

[Dexter Morgan]

Just as an aside -- and I know we haven't agreed on much yet -- I love the show, "Dexter."

 

I haven't read back and don't recall the entire thread, but if it were me and my husband knew about the affair I would do everything I could to act happy in front of him until I actually felt happy. If a person decides to stay with a betrayed spouse who knows of the affair, I hardly think the BS should have to watch them suffer over the ex-AP. I would try my best not to let him see I had any heartbreak over the affair and try my best to let him see I was putting 100% effort into the marriage. If my husband didn't know about the affair (and this is the case with me), I would (will) do all I can to work on the marriage and treat with him respect and love in the future.

 

oh I bet the husband would be able to pick up on it. for one thing you definitely wouldn't be yourself.

 

so assuming the husband knows you are still grieving, how long would YOU put up with a spouse that is pining for someone else?

[Samantha0905]

oh I bet the husband would be able to pick up on it. for one thing you definitely wouldn't be yourself.

 

so assuming the husband knows you are still grieving, how long would YOU put up with a spouse that is pining for someone else?

 

I don't necessarily think that's true.

 

I have no idea as to your second question because I would never openly grieve an ex-AP in front of my BS if he knew about the situation and I was choosing to move forward, working on the marriage. I just would not allow myself to do it in front of him. I would grieve on my own, however, and perhaps seek help from a counselor to work through the stages of grief.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't necessarily think that's true.

 

I have no idea as to your second question because I would never openly grieve an ex-AP in front of my BS if he knew about the situation and I was choosing to move forward, working on the marriage. I just would not allow myself to do it in front of him. I would grieve on my own, however, and perhaps seek help from a counselor to work through the stages of grief.

 

ok, what if your husband pined for another women, how long would YOU put up with it?

[MizzBlue72]

From what you have written, he probably will. Stay strong, keep posting.

And I think it is a great idea to seek help with grief from a counselor. It will help tremendously.

[MizzBlue72]

Originally Posted by anne1707

OK BEG. You obviously have it all sussed. WTF do I know. Oh hang on, I'm happily married.

 

I have genuinely tried to help but I now officially give up because IMO you really do not want to know.

 

 

anne1707, well you DID try to help her. I guess it isn't only the BS 'who are full of it' it's anyone who doesn't say exactly the right thing.

I do NOT believe that is true - at all. You have not been where she is either. Your judgement is incredibly harsh. I guess it's only the OW on here who ever make mistakes ... wow. In my next life, I hope I remember that so I can be prefect too.

 

 

I learned here that sometimes the harshest advice is sometimes the best, most helpful advice that I received.

 

I thought your advice/ideas were right on!

 

 

Your ideas may be right, but when you are grieving it IS hurtful. She needs TIME. She did have contact and a relationship with this guy .. so I also say WTF to you guys.

 

It's NOT that she does NOT listen - it is that she is HURTING.