mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 just wondering past experiences here. im a little over a week NC and a few weeks VERY LC before that. its getting easier but still sucks big time. but im passed the days of waking up with that awful pit in my stomach and thinking i might die from the pain. knowing my MM so well, he seems to act in the moment then sit back and think about things and as the dust settles come creeping back. but this is the first time of NC and hes participating as well. so do i need to be prepared for if he tries to contact me? once they cut it off do they normally stay gone, especially after a very intimate connection? i just think that i need to have it set in my mind what i might do before this happens.
Jacky Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 From what I seem to have read in the past couple of months here, once they seem to decide to participate they will probably not contact you and *work on their marriage*. However if he does, please stay strong. Good luck
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 thats what im hoping for because i think even a little contact would put us right back where we started. even an attempt on his part would send my emotions crashing down. its never been his nature before to be able to stay away. maybe now he has a reason.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I am not sure its been about 6 weeks of NC with my MM last week he sent me a friend request on facebook. He hasn't sent a message with the request but I figure that might come at some point. He did decide to work on his marriage, it was devastating to me because he had been separated for more than a year and a half when we met so I never thought I was the other woman. From my experience when things get tough he might try to contact but some do and some don't
Morelikeher Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 just wondering past experiences here. im a little over a week NC and a few weeks VERY LC before that. its getting easier but still sucks big time. but im passed the days of waking up with that awful pit in my stomach and thinking i might die from the pain. knowing my MM so well, he seems to act in the moment then sit back and think about things and as the dust settles come creeping back. but this is the first time of NC and hes participating as well. so do i need to be prepared for if he tries to contact me? once they cut it off do they normally stay gone, especially after a very intimate connection? i just think that i need to have it set in my mind what i might do before this happens. I thought my xMM would contact me too and wanted to know how to prepare for it. In the beginning, I really hoped that he would..... He established NC after D-Day and went back to his W. I did receive a very strange text from an unknown number about three weeks after D-Day. I have no idea if it was him or someone pretending to be him to see how I would respond. About a week after that text (after agonizing myself to death over it), I texted HIS phone. Well, his W called me back. I was humiliated. THAT was a huge step towards getting over it - it brought a big dose of reality to my situation. It has been about 3 months now and he has maintained NC - and I have too. I am doing SOOO much better. I know the pain you are experiencing right now and please believe it will get better. I live in a small town, so occasionally I see him/them out. I admit, it's still hard. As to your question, I guess it depends on your MM. He could contact you. Do prepare yourself on how you want to react if this does happen. ((BEG)) Hang in there.
howcouldInotknow Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I always say be prepared for the worst have a plan on how to deal with it then everything will be easier. I understand where you are right now. In the weeks immediately following our split. An email anything from him would make me have a meltdown. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. A man leaving you to go back to his wife sort of changes something inside of you, I am a smart sexy confident, intelligent women and there are tons of men who want to date me. I used to ask myself why this one? For me it took a major toll on myself esteem for a couple of weeks but now it has changed me so much and made me so much stronger, you will see in a few weeks, it won't hurt as much, possible contact from him wont be as scary.
Morelikeher Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 A man leaving you to go back to his wife sort of changes something inside of you, I am a smart sexy confident, intelligent women and there are tons of men who want to date me. I used to ask myself why this one? For me it took a major toll on myself esteem for a couple of weeks but now it has changed me so much and made me so much stronger, you will see in a few weeks, it won't hurt as much, possible contact from him wont be as scary. Exactly. I am more confident now that I can tell him ummm....where to go.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 thanks nowhere, but i've got this one on my own. im not posting about my marriage for multiple reasons. A. its my marriage and unlike my affair i hold it sacred and choose not to say too much here. B. things are going ok, and i think ive said that a multitude of times. not because i want to but to avoid people picking it out every time i dont mention it and focusing on it instead of the problem i'm trying to address C. the one thing in my life im certain of IS my marriage. i know what i need to do, know what i want and am striving to make it work. I dont need advice on how to handle that situation because its a problem I'm able to understand and try to fix. and i'm not wanting communication from him. i am just wondering if in other peoples experiences this comes in to play, because i want to have a set way to respond, whether it be answering the phone and telling him to f*** off or ignoring the call or kindly telling him ive moved on and wished that he didnt contact me anymore. thats it. i dont want to be two months down the road and get a surprise text that knocks me out of the water. so what im looking for are some random stats on how many of the men came back later to contact them. if there was a poll option on this board I'd take that. A. he did B. he didnt. but i also appreciate everyones thougths and comments.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) By her wanting this OM to contact her shows her not willing to work on the marriage because she is wanting contact. Either she is fixing her marriage by NC!!! What part of NO CONTACT do you people not understand! Everytime she posts questions about the OM, she will never fix her marriage by not closing this chapter in her head!!! The Affair is OVER right, then if at anytime the OM contacts her, She should and will ignore it! everytime there's any form of contact it sets her back and puts the timer at zero. How are you supposed to establish trust if she is still preparing to be in contact with the OM!!!!!!! Edited October 20, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 to think that a person can instantly drop an intimate relationship that lasted over several years without thinking about it is ridiculous. the human mind doesnt work that way. theres a range of feelings from memories to sadness to remorse and regret. but you cannot just stop the thoughts. every day when i see my husband im reminded of what ive done. there are reminders everywhere. out of sight is not out of mind.
Chrome Barracuda Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 to think that a person can instantly drop an intimate relationship that lasted over several years without thinking about it is ridiculous. the human mind doesnt work that way. theres a range of feelings from memories to sadness to remorse and regret. but you cannot just stop the thoughts. every day when i see my husband im reminded of what ive done. there are reminders everywhere. out of sight is not out of mind. Your making your own misery... Your affair was a choice you made, no one put a gun to your head. and your in denial about what is really going on. Where do you make a choice to end it in your head and rebuild your marriage 100%, every time you post these ridiculous questions about the OM it shows others you arent really serious! your just holding on to the stupidity. If that's the case why dont you contact the OM for one last time. and get a divorce because being in the fog, for a long time isnt helping anyone and you are serously damaging your marriage, everytime you even THINK about contact. Your chipping away at the structure. You've already blown one half with dynamite. Dont say your about it, be about it!
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Still with CB here on this. If the OP was truly committed to her marriage, she would not be starting thead after thread moaning the loss of the ex-MM. When referring to her H, she thinks he does not know why she is crying. WTF! She cries over another man in front of her husband! Ofcourse teh husband knows this. And to say at that her marriage is sacred or that the one thing she is certain of is her marriage is absolute nonesense. If her marriage was sacred, she would not be posting here in the OW/OM forum looking for sympathy over losing her affair partner. She would be posting in Infidelity looking for support and help in saving her marriage. Plus how can her marriage be certain when she is thinking of someone else all the time. Also if the "problem" in her marriage is one she can "fix" on her own, why did she not do that before. I am not going to cut her any slack. I am posting just the way I see it. I have posted to other threads started by BEG with the aim of trying to help her but she disregards posts that do not tell her what she wants to hear.
NowhereToHide Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Still with CB here on this. If the OP was truly committed to her marriage, she would not be starting thead after thread moaning the loss of the ex-MM. When referring to her H, she thinks he does not know why she is crying. WTF! She cries over another man in front of her husband! Ofcourse teh husband knows this. And to say at that her marriage is sacred or that the one thing she is certain of is her marriage is absolute nonesense. If her marriage was sacred, she would not be posting here in the OW/OM forum looking for sympathy over losing her affair partner. She would be posting in Infidelity looking for support and help in saving her marriage. Plus how can her marriage be certain when she is thinking of someone else all the time. Also if the "problem" in her marriage is one she can "fix" on her own, why did she not do that before. I am not going to cut her any slack. I am posting just the way I see it. I have posted to other threads started by BEG with the aim of trying to help her but she disregards posts that do not tell her what she wants to hear. What you fail to understand that this forum is exactly FOR the OW/OM looking for help. There IS pain involved with losing your xAP and THIS is where she should come to talk about it. To berate her about having pain over the loss of someone she loves is to miss the entire point of these boards. Just because she is mourning his loss doesn't mean she doesn't love her H. You obviously haven't been in this position, so you wouldn't understand. This forum is for HER. She is grieving. And it is OKAY for her to grieve the loss. She is asking for help. Besides, this entire thread was about her asking if she should prepare if her xMM contacts her. She is asking about the experiences of other OWs and what they have done. Sticking to the topic and not reaming her for her feelings might be helpful.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 As someone who had an affair and has therefore been in this position, I think I am perfectly qualified to comment on this situation. I can see the mistakes the OP is making because I have done the same. Difference is that I learned from my mistakes.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Anne what is it that i have not done? And who's to say that your word is the gospel and the decisions that you made would be correct for my life, my marriage and my family? in the last week ive gone from holding on to both men, to letting go and mourning the loss, to getting angry about it and to now trying to find the best advice on what to do for if it comes back up. i think these are some pretty big steps in a very short time. and like ive said before, its ridiculous to think that feelings just instantly go away. anyone who says they can turn them off like a light switch is either lying to themselves and all of us or has some sort of emotional defect that keeps them from expressing themselves properly.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I am not saying my word is gospel. Would never dream of it. But the way you post does not come across as someone who has re-committed to you rmarriage. I am just not convinced you are anywhere near that stage and if you ever will be. I do not expect your feelings for the EX-MM to have gone away yet but how about focussing on your H for a change. All you are doing is "feeding" the affair. You never post about how wonderful your H is or how much you love him or how good it is to be with him. It is still about how wonderful the ex-MM was and how much you miss him, will he ever contact you, songs that help you get through this. If you really want to make your marriage work, you have to shift your focus before your H decides enough is enough.
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I have seen threads about this very topic on another forum. It seemed like the vast majority there was contacted by their MM sooner or later after D-day. The EMRs generally continue on even after D-day or multiple D-days. So to consider what to do in the event your MM contacts you is a very reasonable approach, since otherwise you might be swept away by your emotions.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 exactly. because i sort of feel like NC (although working) is just forcing me to drop all of the emotions. and so it is a bit scary to be faced with the thought of what ive worked so hard to get away from to come back. im not sure the best way to handle it. it would be easier if i had a "nope, he'll never contact you again" answer. then at least in my head i could sweep it under the rug.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 She IS recommitting to her marriage. And preparing as to how you will handle it if your xAP contacts you is PART of moving on. Not preparing is just ignoring the possibility and will set yourself up for failure if and when you do receive the contact. She is not recommitting to the marriage by obsessing about the MM. And she rarely, if ever, mentions her husband. He is that insignificant in the scheme of things. She doesn't need to prepare for if he breaks contact. If he breaks contact, she just tells him t EFF off and never call her again. And if he doesn't abide by that, then she can give her husband the guy's number and let him discuss it with the MM. She is asking the question so she can prepare. She is being smart and trying to move on from this man and her mistake. wrong. she is obsessing about him and focusing more on "oh...what if the MM calls", rather than focusing on her husband. There is no preparation needed for if he calls. Its pretty simple....she either hands the phone to her husband, shows him the emails and lets her husband handle it, or she can chew his ass out royally....simple as that. Its like wanting to be prepared in the event someone cuts in line ahead of you at the store. You don't put together a written procedure to deal with it, or have it thought out ahead of time what you would say to this person. You just deal with it when the time comes and you don't obsess about it.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 and like ive said before, its ridiculous to think that feelings just instantly go away. anyone who says they can turn them off like a light switch is either lying to themselves and all of us or has some sort of emotional defect that keeps them from expressing themselves properly. ok....so tell us. how long should your husband put up with your feelings for another man? better yet, why should he put up with them at all?
jennie-jennie Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Also you need to grieve the loss of MM and your relationship. I believe I read this even on the surviving fidelity boards. You can't just jump from MM to elevating your H to the skies. That will come in time. Right now you are severing your bonds to MM.
anne1707 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Also you need to grieve the loss of MM and your relationship. I believe I read this even on the surviving fidelity boards. You can't just jump from MM to elevating your H to the skies. That will come in time. Right now you are severing your bonds to MM. So how long are you suggesting that the OP's husband accepts her mourning the loss of the ex-MM?
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 So how long are you suggesting that the OP's husband accepts her mourning the loss of the ex-MM? yes, how long should the H put up with this?
scatterd Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 He might contact you it depends on how it is going for him.If he does do not reply just go on with your life with your husband.Dont worry about tomarrow focus on today.Plan something for you and your husband that will help you both bond like a trip somewhere or going out.Put your thoughts into your family maybe that will help.I know it is not easy to forget try to stay busy.I hope I helped but I wish the best for you.Forge forward and dont look back.
pkn06002 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 So how long are you suggesting that the OP's husband accepts her mourning the loss of the ex-MM? As long as it takes is the answer. Just like any other loss in someones life. That is if her husband wants to try and work it out, if he does then he needs to accept the grieving process she is going through. If not he is free to walk away while his wife grieves. Part an parcel of effects of an affair. Although some say the WS made their own bed and should suffer in silence as to not upset the BS more. Tell me how that helps build a foundation to rebuild from? The only stories that I have heard where the marriage recovers is where the BS HELPS their WS get over the grief. Those that take the hard line seem to limp along or end all together. On the topic of the thread, the OM may or may not try to contact you. It all depends on how he is feeling. If you are really over it, it should not really matter so that is what you need to decided.
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