ajj Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I posted about my relationship problems in this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t201847/ I posted that I had told him I was done and I couldn't take anymore. After a couple of days we were talking again and re-committed. I had all kinds of lies and rationalizations for myself. Sure, we had problems but we're both good people. Don't we deserve to end our partnership (we were planning to spend the rest of our lives together) in a more dignified fashion than arguing over the phone? We talked and again he stated he was committed to us. I told myself if I just worked a little harder, was a little more understanding, wasn't so demanding, whatever it took, I would get the person back that I fell in love with. I didn't want all of that hard work for naught! I didn't want to think I had somehow caused what could have been a great relationship to fail because I was not patient enough or willing enough. I don't think the person I fell in love with exists. I think the person that lied to me about his whereabouts last night and lies to his parents about seeing me (he can't or won't understand why I'm offended that he lies to his parents about continuing to see me. He's 25. Why lie anyway?) is the person he really is. The person that threw my key at me from a second story aiming for me and missing by only a fraction of an inch is the real person. I do not love this person. I am incapable of loving this person. For the longest time I've been neglecting my friends. This is not only due to my work schedule but I have been too embarrassed to tell them what has been going on. What little I do tell them they interrupt with "You're kind of banging your head against the wall on this one. Why are you putting up with this?" I didn't want to admit another failure. I made a bad choice. I stayed too long. I put my own life plans on hold, put myself in a precarious financial and professional situation by my continued contact with him. So here I am on day one. My last memory of him is how he couldn't even hand me my key, he had to throw it at me. That and the sad look on the dog's face (the dog we adopted together and he took with him) realizing this is over. I'm out of rationalizations. Sunday he lied to his parents (where he is living after I asked him to move out) about seeing me. Last night he lied about having to work and well, it was canceled and even though I called him 4 times in a row (once I realized he was not at work) he really was just getting ready to call me. Really. He has lied in the past and continues to lie for as long as I make myself available for him to lie to. I wrote a letter that I would never send to him last night which helped me focus. It would have been nice if this was a partnership between two mature individuals who were moving in different directions in life and ended what was suppossed to be a lifelong partnership in a mature, loving, and respectful manner. It would have been nice. But that's not who he is so the best that I can hope for is he never tries to contact me again for any reason. In the meantime I'll try to take my most critical friend's advice to heart "Just forgive yourself. You made a mistake. That's all. The best way to move on is to forgive yourself. When you forgive yourself for making a mistake you'll stop perpetuating this."
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