DustySaltus Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Quick Recap: I met my ex-fiance 10 years ago at a summer camp. I was 17, she was 21. We reconnected via facebook two years ago and immediately hit it off. It started off as nothing more than a frienship but built into something so intense, extremely fast. It was a LDR at first and then we went back and forth visiting each other in America & Israel. Under the circumstances the relationship had the odds stacked against it but we some how prevailed. It turned out that the distnace was the least of our problems. I am not perfect by any stretch. However I did see red flags from the beginning of our relationship that should've confirmed what I was blind to originally.....she has borderline personality disorder (confirmed by friends, family and doctors). Here were some things that happened while I was with her: She kicked me out after 4 days (on the first trip) when she overheard me saying to my cousin on the phone that I think I would have a hard time living over there. Now, this happened on our first visit, just like that....eventually we reconciled, but the signs continued. Went through 300+ text messages on my blackberry one by one questioning every single female that texted me. I had actually taken my old co-worker's blackberry and there were a bunch of text messages on their from some girl that he was cheating on his wife with. I tell my ex that I have no idea who that is and we proceed to call my co-worker who tells her that it has nothing to do with ME. Goes on my "myspace" page (How did she get on?) that I haven't visited in about 2 years. Someone had post something on my wall about going out on a date. She brings this up at my friends restaurant during dinner and proceeds to leave the restaurant (making a huge secne) as the entrees come out. I finish my meal and go outside where I just remember that she actually punched me in the arm pretty hard and screamed at me in the middle of a crowded street in Manhattan. At this point I told her it was over......She then proceeded to pull a 180 in a SPLIT second. I told her she could stay with me until she got everything in order and then she needed to leave. For the walk to the subway and the train ride home...she begged, pleaded, apologized, grabbed my legs, arms, head..anything and told me that one day I would be her husband. My therapist told me that this is called "splitting" where someone..in this case myself, goes from being the worst guy in the world to someone they can't live without in such a period where it happens TOO FAST to make sense at all. Constantly asked me how much I loved her and made a promise that I would never leave her or do anything behind her back. Accused me of cheating on her on numerous other occasions and actually broke up with me a few times. Of course I was so blinded by love I just wanted to show her that I was good guy and never did anything behind her back....but I had to CONSTANTLY prove myself to her. I would go from being the greatest guy in the world to the most untrustworthy, immature guy in a matter of hours or days. She made up stories that I slept with other woman only for me to get the other woman on the phone with her there to confirm that it never happened. Then she would go from a jealous rage to a teddy bear once she knew that it was unfounded. She would constantly complain of physical ailments and binge eat, which is another clear cut sign of bpd. She would always tell me how different I was from all of the others guy she had relationships with. We even ran into one of her EX's on the street and I said hello (you could tell he was clearly hurt) while she told me to hold her as tight as possible and kiss her as he passed. This really disturbed me because the way she spoke about him he actually seemed like a nice guy...why would she do that there? It's not very classy. She didn't have a lot of close friends and would say bad things about them constantly. The on/off switch that she had with them should've been a sign for me as well. But the one thing that I keep going back to is when I thought she had hid a paper that I needed to leave the country in addition to my passport. Now based on everything that had occured in the past i think I would've been justified with thinking this. Well she saw that email to my friend and shortly thereafter I was on a flight back to the US. I mean guys and gals, was that enough to break an engagement? But the truth is that I never should've gotten engaged in the first place. I should've trusted my instincts instead of trying to be a hero. People like her don't change. She hasn't been in a relationship for anything longer than ours which was just under 2 years. They say relationships with borderlines either last 18 months or 15 years. In the first scenario the "honeymoon" period lasts a year and then the true colors come out but the non is willing to put up with it for an additional year until they had enough. The other scenario is when the non becomes a doormat and co-dependent and then down the line when the borderlines looks start to fade they have a fear of abandonment and leave the non before they think the non will leave them..... It seems like a higher power was trying to save me here. And although I don't see it now, down the line I'm sure it all happened for a reason. I mean I left everything, moved to her country and asked her to marry me...and it still wasn't enough to quell her abandonment fears. No one can be that insecure without having some sort of mental issue behind it. But I just have to take it for what it's worth and try and move on the best I can. You can't save someone that doesn't want to be saved or that thinks there is nothing wrong with them. And its a terricle feeling, especially for me when I sometimes have a "hero" complex. Eventually if I would've stayed the course with her I would've lost all of my sense of self. And I almost did that...so I wonder if that email was a mistake or a blessing in disguise? Anyway, I realized that there was nothing more I could do and that's where I am at....
Tamia78 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Dusty, Count it as a blessing in disguise. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm sorry that you had to go thru that. I hope you can move on with a clean slate again. Good luck! --T
GrayClouds Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 They say relationships with borderlines either last 18 months or 15 years. In the first scenario the "honeymoon" period lasts a year and then the true colors come out but the non is willing to put up with it for an additional year until they had enough. The other scenario is when the non becomes a doormat and co-dependent and then down the line when the borderlines looks start to fade they have a fear of abandonment and leave the non before they think the non will leave them..... Anyway, I realized that there was nothing more I could do and that's where I am at.... That is good stuff. While you may not be ready for it right now, your insight gives you the opportunity to explore some things about yourself. One question, that I think many of us should ask, why did it feel right to have to work SO hard to prove your love. We often enter relationship that reinforces how we feel about ourselves. Understanding the rational will help us form repeating mistakes. It hard but you are doing well Dusty.
TeacupMovinON Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 They say relationships with borderlines either last 18 months or 15 years. In the first scenario the "honeymoon" period lasts a year and then the true colors come out but the non is willing to put up with it for an additional year until they had enough. The other scenario is when the non becomes a doormat and co-dependent and then down the line when the borderlines looks start to fade they have a fear of abandonment and leave the non before they think the non will leave them..... Interesting, OP, I dated someone who had BPD. This lasted 18 months, his previous relationship lasted more than twelve... I had never heard those statistics before. Good to know.
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