How can I rebuild my self-esteem without feeling as though I'm fooling myself?

[LB85]

I have extremely low self-esteem. In all honesty I have only just realised when I looked up some articles to check if I might be someone who secretly has a low self-esteem. I wasn't always like this, yes when I was younger because I got bullied at school ( as did most people at school) but by the time I was 12 orso it all got better and I was fine. I was never one of the girls who dated and stuff but it didn't bother me at all and I had fun at school, partly because my bestfriend was a guy with who I spent most of my time so I didn't need any more male attention.

 

However, I had a few crushes as I got older and kissed a few guys but never felt good about it afterwards because it was just a physical thing. So I decided not to do those things unless I really like someone and I always hoped I would find someone.

 

I was always a really good student and had extremely high expectations from life, I wanted to get into a good uni and go to mybe Oxford, Cambridge or anything along those lines but my parents didn't let me go because they were overprotective. So I found a uni close to home, also a good uni but not good enough for me. I didn't realise how much I hated it and it started reflecting in my marks. I didn't really get along with the people there because they were extremely different and I have not done well at all at uni, no matter how much I struggle and work hard.

 

At the same time, I decided to put love on hold and didn't want to actively look. I believed it would come to me when I least expected it and that I would definitely find someone worth the wait. However, things turned out differently because I really did meet someone worth the wait and more than I even imagined the man of my dreams to be.

 

He also seemed interested but actually led me on and that has completely screwed up my self-esteem. Everyone around me gets into great relationships and otherwise learns from their mistakes but they still keep finding partners and I never get the guys I like.

 

I always hear I'm pretty, from guys, girls, everyone! I admit that I do think I'm pretty but don't feel pretty. I don't feel like I am worth any guy and at the same time I feel like a failure because of how uni is going (I already have to do half a year extra because I failed a few subjects) and its all building up.

 

Now I try to engage in positive self-talk but I feel like I'm fooling myself. I don't believe I will ever find love and I keep telling myself to look at things rationally, which works for a second but the feeling stays. What can I do to heal myself emotionally so that I have succes in my further life?

[Ross PK]

New studies say that if you feel bad about yourself, positive self talk will actually make you feel worse (because each time you say these things it re-enforces the fact that you don't believe them).

 

Even if you can manage to fool yourself, it's not something I'd like to do either, I'd rather live in the real world.

 

I think to build self esteem you need to find things about yourself that you genuinley believe are good. If you can't, try and look for evidence/proof that there are, and if there still isn't, try and create something. For example if you're overweight and it makes you feel bad, then lose weight, or become really good at something.

[LB85]

Wow I did not know that! I ca't believe these websites give the wrong advice, funny how much I trusted them and felt I was doing something wrong. But thanks for this advice:D, I actually understand what you mean and I straight away decided to write down what I think is goo dabout myself, just things off the top of my head. Then I wrote down what I want to change, of course that could be an endless list but I decided to relate it to the good things, this makes the 'to do list' more realistic.

 

Now I get why I always frustrated about that stupid idea of "where there's a will, there's a way'' because its not always true, sometimes we are helpless and we need to find the will in that to find alternative ways just as fulfilling.

 

However, I just feel good right now....maybe I'll be all depressed again tonight and then I have to start over:o....

[Ross PK]

Glad I helped make you feel better.