Tried NC.He wanted me back.Now revenge.i'm in pain

October 23, 2009

Some abusive guys will threaten to slap a person, or throw things, or draw their fist back in a threatening gesture. That's bad enough. But your ex threatened to choke you. There is a lot implied in that comment. Choking is immediately associated with suffocating and death. It is associated with being helpless, a victim, with someone having abolute power over your life and being at their mercy. My 'axe murderer' analogy isn't so far off the mark with this guy. He's just a heartbeat away from violence.

Love does not EVER speak in these terms. But crazy, violent, deranged people do. Viva la difference.

well he didn't say he was going to choke me. he said, in response to a question i asked about his behavior, "i CAN'T choke you to make you call me/come see me, etc"

almost implied but i just wanted to clarify that.

October 23, 2009

Got it. Sorry, I didn't remember what you had said exactly - the word 'choke' just stuck in my head. I had to go back and read it - you said that you were a little taken back by his choice of words, and talked to a friend about it. Still, your instincts kicked in by what he said. You also suspect that he poisoned you with food poisoning.

Despite all that, this guy is abusive (I know the signs) and he's doing what ALL of them do when they're dumped - they amp up the attention because they love the game of chase, they love the challenge of getting someone back, they love to put on a repentant and sad act that would be worthy of an Oscar, and once he gets you back (if he does), he'll turn up the volume on his abusive nature even more. These guys do not learn their lessons, they are only intent on reducing your spirit to ashes so that you'll forget who you are, so subtly you'll almost miss what's happening. They get a rush out of this kind of power and control. They think it's a huge joke and they laugh at the weakness of women. And because they love the power so much, they will not give it up for anything or anyone.

October 23, 2009

Got it. Sorry, I didn't remember what you had said exactly - the word 'choke' just stuck in my head. I had to go back and read it - you said that you were a little taken back by his choice of words, and talked to a friend about it. Still, your instincts kicked in by what he said. You also suspect that he poisoned you with food poisoning.

Despite all that, this guy is abusive (I know the signs) and he's doing what ALL of them do when they're dumped - they amp up the attention because they love the game of chase, they love the challenge of getting someone back, they love to put on a repentant and sad act that would be worthy of an Oscar, and once he gets you back (if he does), he'll turn up the volume on his abusive nature even more. These guys do not learn their lessons, they are only intent on reducing your spirit to ashes so that you'll forget who you are, so subtly you'll almost miss what's happening. They get a rush out of this kind of power and control. They think it's a huge joke and they laugh at the weakness of women. And because they love the power so much, they will not give it up for anything or anyone.

it's ok. i understood you still. and yes my instincts kicked in as soon as he said the word "choke".why on earth would he say something like that other than to try and plant a seed of fear in me.i'm not afraid of him though...he just better not mess with my "whip"...car

October 24, 2009

i think this is it. i think he's finally decided to stop the calling and texting.no words from him in about 2hrs...big step for him.

October 24, 2009

still down this morning...my moods are seriously all over the place.i'm sure it's a combination of the situation with my ex and my less than favorable job conditions.

i truly suggest that when you're seriously not happy with your job, to try to find a way to make it better or leave before it tears you completely apart.it makes dealing with other life issues that much more difficult...in my case, still thinking about my ex and the feeling of loss and confusion regarding him even though the relationship was unhealthy. there's still an empty hole i feel...

any suggestions for me?

Edited October 24, 2009 by muse08

October 24, 2009

Well, I doubt that he has totally given up. I'm sure he'll be back to torment you. If not, then he's doing you a favor, even though I know you're emotionally torn about that.

I'm sorry you're so down about everything. You will get through this - you know that, right? I know it's no fun but your ex has really left you with few choices. This is why we need to be so protective of ourselves about who we allow into our lives - because it's so hurtful to go through this stuff. Maybe you can spend your time focusing on getting a new job and try to make the most of it while you're where you are.

October 24, 2009

Well, I doubt that he has totally given up. I'm sure he'll be back to torment you. If not, then he's doing you a favor, even though I know you're emotionally torn about that.

I'm sorry you're so down about everything. You will get through this - you know that, right? I know it's no fun but your ex has really left you with few choices. This is why we need to be so protective of ourselves about who we allow into our lives - because it's so hurtful to go through this stuff. Maybe you can spend your time focusing on getting a new job and try to make the most of it while you're where you are.

you're right. we do have to be careful about the type of people we allow into our lives and even moreso who we marry or have kids with...

my mother married someone like my ex and i am a product of that. hence a cycle...that i want to break. yes he may start contacting me again, but i really want to heal and get past this. i am focusing more on myself. i knwo i've been posting in this thread alot, but honestly my job has me more torn up than this dude.however, dealing with both is no piece of chocolate cake! advice that i receive is so helpful. i'm just trying to stay focused and not allow my life to get completely out of hand.

i keep remembering so many small details from the relationship as i post and respond. i can recall my ex telling me that his ex told him that her life started going down when she met him.lol, that's too funny. go figure that one out.certain things were a blurr, now that i reflect.probably b/c i didn't want to accept the fact that this was going to be yet another failed relationship eventually. i wonder why he told me these things...i would pause when listening...

October 25, 2009

still no word from ex.:)yay b/c i don't have to deal w/drama. this is a record for him...one day and counting...(i'll stop counting tomorrow, seriously).

however, in a weird twisted way i miss the attention.maybe if it was being given in a healthier way, it would be better?

yu think!

Edited October 25, 2009 by muse08

October 26, 2009

still no word from him. not that i really expected to. but it's still not easy and what can i expect when i was the one who broke up with him, but for good reasons (refer to my previous threads)

however, this all just comes at a not so good time. my job is already causing grief. it is affecting my health and i may have to quit. so i am at the point where i miss my ex but i have to focus on another job and my health.

i just wanna stop getting those moments where i stop and think of the "good" times we had and i sigh (hmmmmmmmm). those are the worst....

any encouragement would be great right about now. can i call him just to say hi...???

thanks guys

October 26, 2009

You're missing the point. This is a game that he's playing and since contacting you doesn't work, then he'll stop in order to get your attention. If you contact him now, you'll just be taking the bait and it will prove to him that you were not serious about the break-up. Just get yourself past it if you want to get this drama king out of your life. I know what you're going through but you will undo everything you've done so far if you cave in and call him.

If your job is that bad and it's affecting your health, then quit. But I would make a plan first if I were you. Are you in an apartment? When is your lease up? How many bills do you have? How will they get paid? It's not to say that you can't quit, you just need to be smart about it. You're being reactive right now and it could backfire on you if you're not careful. Talk to us and we can probably help you with making a decision.

But, whatever you do, please do not call that guy. If you need a reminder, go back and read what you wrote about him. Break ups are hard but you need to make yourself get through this. You'll feel much better about yourself if you stay strong.

October 26, 2009

You're missing the point. This is a game that he's playing and since contacting you doesn't work, then he'll stop in order to get your attention. If you contact him now, you'll just be taking the bait and it will prove to him that you were not serious about the break-up. Just get yourself past it if you want to get this drama king out of your life. I know what you're going through but you will undo everything you've done so far if you cave in and call him.

If your job is that bad and it's affecting your health, then quit. But I would make a plan first if I were you. Are you in an apartment? When is your lease up? How many bills do you have? How will they get paid? It's not to say that you can't quit, you just need to be smart about it. You're being reactive right now and it could backfire on you if you're not careful. Talk to us and we can probably help you with making a decision.

But, whatever you do, please do not call that guy. If you need a reminder, go back and read what you wrote about him. Break ups are hard but you need to make yourself get through this. You'll feel much better about yourself if you stay strong.

well, i did not cave in so i'm proud of myself for that.but perhaps i am missing the point. to me i don't think i'll ever hear fom him again and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but i guess i was missing him 'cause it was night time.things seem to feel worse during the nite for me...not sure if anyone else feels the same...

regarding the job situation,i pretty much have made up in my mind that i'm resigning...tomorrow. the situation at work is very less than favorable and chaotic and has been for some time.so i've been going over this in my mind so many times. my dr's visit last week really made me want to make this decision, asap...he told me that my health issue could be due to stress.he found some abnormal cells.the issue has been going on since i started this job...so i don't think i'm just reacting regarding the job...i have been dealing with it until i can no longer deal with it.

now, when this issue with my ex came about yes i was reacting when i said i wanted to move back home b/c i didn't want to be in these familiar surroundings...i hope that this break up gets easier each day.so far i havent communicated with him for several days and i feel a little mor peaceful.i even feel more peaceful now that i've decided that i'm leaving my job.i know there are other issues like "money" that are now on the table so that's where my focus is and trying to stay healthy inside and out.

i sooo appreciate you staying in contact with me during this time.

October 26, 2009

Well, there's nothing to say that if you quit, you won't find a job right away. You never know, and if you're willing to take that leap of faith, then I say go for it. I imagine that you're feeling a lot of peace from making this decision. I've taken leaps of faith before and they always worked out for me. When you're done, you're done.

I'm so glad you didn't contact your ex. I'm proud of you, too. Believe me, we all know how hard break-ups are - and, yes, especially at night. It's the worst feeling. But as I've said before, he has left you with few choices. He has too many issues and he would make your life a living hell. He is NOT the man for you. Try to remember that.

Let us know how things go with your resignation. Good luck!

October 26, 2009

He has too many issues and he would make your life a living hell. He is NOT the man for you. Try to remember that.

my mother and girlfriend both said the EXACT same things. amazing...

thanks for the well wishes! will check out some of your threads as well as keep you all posted.

October 26, 2009

my mother and girlfriend both said the EXACT same things. amazing...

thanks for the well wishes! will check out some of your threads as well as keep you all posted.

That's because people standing outside the situation can see what he's like. Hey, you might want to check out this post that was on LS a short time ago. This poster was going through something very similar to you. It's a lot of reading but I think it would be worth it for you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203155/

October 27, 2009

That's because people standing outside the situation can see what he's like. Hey, you might want to check out this post that was on LS a short time ago. This poster was going through something very similar to you. It's a lot of reading but I think it would be worth it for you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203155/

ok, i will read the post.just getting onlin today...

will give you my feedback. meanwhile, what's your story angel??

October 27, 2009

Hey, you might want to check out this post that was on LS a short time ago. This poster was going through something very similar to you. It's a lot of reading but I think it would be worth it for you:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203155/

hey, just checked out quite a bit of that discussion. it does remind me of my situation in way.he seemed passive agressive and just half crazy. i might have a bit of that in me too...not sure.

funny thing is,in my situation, i was the one who would go out of town without telling him. we werent technically together at the time, but guess what...he still acted like he got upset about it.and said why didn't i tell him...blah blah blah. i was like, for what? we're not together...

during our breakup,i stopped many of the things that he was privy to while we were together.he though he still got the some of the same perks,as he did when we were together. i had to make that clear to him several times.that post sounds a lot like many of the situations here on LS and its sad that people have to play these games, especially a lot of men when they cannot control a woman.

October 27, 2009

will give you my feedback. meanwhile, what's your story angel??

My story? Huh, that's kind of involved. I was raised in a beautiful family of loving parents with 3 older sisters. When I was 8 yrs old, my parents joined a strict religion. I married young. I left the religion and the marriage in my mid-20's and moved on. This was hard because I lost every family member and friend I ever had in my life. I did manage to get close to my parents again a few years later because they didn't want us to lose me. Thank goodness for that because they died 8 days apart a few yrs ago.

After I left the religion and my first marriage, I dated someone right after that and we later married and had a child - a son. My husband was a bit too controlling for me. I left that marriage after about 6 yrs and then dated someone for almost two yrs but that ended. A few years later married a guy from England who turned out to be very verbally abusive. This is where I learned my hard lessons about abusive men. After that, I got involved with a married man. As MM once told me, "You picked me because I'm safe." He may have been right.

At the moment, for someone who has always had a guy in her life, I'm taking some breathing room and really enjoying it and discovering myself. My son is a great young man and he's now in his first year of college. Life is so different for me right now and at first, I was really grasping at figuring out how to handle it all. I felt very displaced and alone. But I'm finding a lot of peace in it now and have decided to take this time for myself before I get into another relationship, if I do. I mean, I probably will be with someone again someday but I would make such different choices now. Plus, I'm just not all that interested in a relationship right now. But someday...who knows.

Anyway, that's a brief recap of my life - three trainwrecks and a few collisions in between. I think the reason I can talk to people in situations like yours is that I completely understand the turmoil relationships can cause us because I've been there. I wasted time on men who were bad choices and it's hard for me to watch others do it. But I have always stood up for myself and even though I didn't choose relationships well and could've saved myself a lot of heartache if I had - I did know when to walk away. My sister loved the MM I was seeing and she told me that at least I was picking better men. He was an incredible man and we're still friends today. He did teach me that I deserve better and he healed me from the pain of my past. My life isn't what I would've guessed or preferred but it's not too bad when I look at it now. I'm pretty happy and content and I feel like I have a lot ahead of me.

October 27, 2009

hey, just checked out quite a bit of that discussion. it does remind me of my situation in way.he seemed passive agressive and just half crazy. i might have a bit of that in me too...not sure.

The thing that I thought you could relate to in that post is how hard it was for her to not talk to the guy. Also, her ex sounds a lot like yours.

October 27, 2009

The thing that I thought you could relate to in that post is how hard it was for her to not talk to the guy. Also, her ex sounds a lot like yours.

wow, you've had some colorful years, lol and you deserve some time for YOU! when you said you can make better choices now, that's what we all hope to be able to do. Do you think you ever want to marry again or just a companion? Do you like committment or moreso the companionship? at least you have your son. some people nver have kids and are single as well. that's one thing i may have to accept if mr almost right for me, never shows up.

about the similar post...yeah so many people on the site find it hard to not call their ex's. it's hard when you still care for someone but circumstances and situations prevent you from being together. like if he were a bit more SANE and i were more tolerant(NAIVE) i guess we would work out. but the fact that my mother didn't care too much from him based on meeting him only once and i felt that he wasn't quite right, made me leave him alone.and his most recent behavior (being so spiteful) really turned me off. so i'm going through several transitions in my life right now and really don't want to be unhappy just to say i have a man. i could be engaged to this guy now and/or married but i gave the ring back,even after he tried to give it back to me...lol.it's not funny but it's just crazy how things have transpired this year. prior to my ex i was seeing a guy of another race(italian),i'm black btw. it was great! except for the fact that i think he had someone and was trying to keep it underwraps...that sucked b/c we had a serious connection and even discussed (that's it...discussed) how tings would be if i moved in together. i was really broke up over us not working out.so a few weeks after him i met my current ex...who wooed me really.i actually thought he was crazy when i first met him.but we ran into each other so much (same neighborhood) that i ended up falling for him.i don't mind a little crazy but he was truly a special case...

but i really understand needing to take a break from relationships, i've told myself that several times.however i always end up meeting or being wooed by someone...

thanks for your story.it lets me know that you are qualified to speak on this stuff...really.and it's a constant work in progress. i just don't want to end up alone.

October 27, 2009

so your family shunned you for leaving the religion? @angel

i hope not...you need family.

October 27, 2009

so your family shunned you for leaving the religion? @angel

i hope not...you need family.

Everyone did except my parents, and one of my sisters who also left the religion. I'm part Italian and I'm used to a big family - that's what I grew up with. I never replaced that. But my sister has a son who's married and they have kids, and we're close to his wife's family also. Plus, I'm still close to my son's dad's family. So I have good people in my life and my sister and I are very close. I would've liked more kids but it didn't work out. Still, my son is an absolute treasure in my life and I'm so thankful for him.

October 27, 2009

wow, you've had some colorful years, lol and you deserve some time for YOU! when you said you can make better choices now, that's what we all hope to be able to do. Do you think you ever want to marry again or just a companion? Do you like committment or moreso the companionship? at least you have your son. some people nver have kids and are single as well. that's one thing i may have to accept if mr almost right for me, never shows up....

Yeah, no shortage of guys in my life, that's for sure. I think my biggest problem was that I didn't know myself well enough to know the kind of man I needed. The 'Runaway Bride' movie really hit home for me in a lot of ways - except that I didn't have the sense to run away. hee! hee!

Hey, you don't ever need to be more tolerant of a crazy person. They just don't need to be in our lives. Period. See, if you had gone with your initial instinct about him, you could've saved yourself a lot of trouble. This was always true with me also - if I had just listened to my instincts I wouldn't have gotten into any of the messes I got into. And it's always a big, red flag when friends and family don't like the person we're dating. Most people did not like my last husband, and one friend in particular truly hated him. I should've paid attention to that.

You know, if you really want kids and no guy comes along, you can always go to one of the sperm places and have a kid by yourself. It's not the best option but it's better than taking the risk of never having children. I would've done it.

I actually do like committment and I like being married. I can see where it could be wonderful if you're married to the right person. But, conversely, it can be a living hell if you're with the wrong person. And I have a zero-tolerance for bad relationships. In a way, that's been my saving grace and the reason I'm at least not currently stuck in a bad relationship like so many people are.

October 27, 2009

I actually do like committment and I like being married. I can see where it could be wonderful if you're married to the right person. But, conversely, it can be a living hell if you're with the wrong person. And I have a zero-tolerance for bad relationships.

so true. i feel you on that one.

October 28, 2009

Hello all...so i just resigned from my job 2 days ago.

i'd been going over it in my mind for several yrs now. i got to a point where i couldnt take it any more. i can't believe i finally left. i had been in the same job for the past 13 yrs and had been very unhappy for the last 5 or 6 years. i'm 34 btw. i stayed w/ it b/c it was pretty secure yet i grew quite bored and this year i could no longer put up with it mainly b/c it had really started to negatively affect me in some serious ways. was so unhappy with something that consumed the majority of my time. oh, the irony,(same for my ex in terms of him consuming my time and energy; more on him in a minute)

so i honestly do feel a sense of relief and i feel like i can breathe easier,literally.i sleep better...food tastes better, music sounds better, people seems nicer, but my ex is still my ex. just ended the relationship with him as well.

changes seem to happen all at once with me.(within a 2 week time period)

but honestly, me being unhappy with my job, seemed to intensify everything else...really. so now i do feel much better. yes i've been working on different ways to make ends meet(still have bills to pay), but i honeslty need a litle breather for a while. i just broke up w/my ex as well so that was stressing for a minute as well.now the pain of that is starting to ease up. i am SO THANKFUL that i made the decisions that i have made recently. however, i feel like i'm in serious transition for the mere fact that the 2 things that took most of my time are no longer in my life... within 2 week span...

Part about my Ex

i broke up ex a few months ago but we have stopped speaking really in the last 2 weeks. i broke up for good reasons (can refer to other thread if you'd like). he would call me but i was trying my hardest to stick with NC.it did for a while then i finally responded 'cause i missed him.then he acted like a jerk and wanted to be vindictive, thus NC was on and off.now we're pretty much distant. he texted me several days ago and i texted something really short like "thanks" and didn't respond to his last text until today and shouldnt have responded at all b/c it just made me think about him.he responded and said he loved me and asked me how i was doing, but i didn't say i loved him back so now he hasn't responded...something told me not to even worry about him. but i had to go put his name in the address bar and text him! even when i put "DO NOT ANSWER" for his name!!!

)))it works for the calls but not so much for the texting...why is that?(((

so, little by little our contact is decreasing. now it has decreased a lot. but it's been like this before and he would start calling or texting me. i would ignored and then eventually give in to contact.but we havent seen each other in several weeks now and havent spoken only texted in the past few weeks.in due to my choice, still it saddens me even when i know his behavior has become crazy or senseless and vindictive.sorry to say it but, i miss him.at this point i sound crazy talking about N.C. i'v broken it, by responding to him, twice now. i want to be able to not think about him at all. ithese break ups are really hard even when you make a decision for the right reason...

Edited October 28, 2009 by muse08

October 28, 2009

my ex said "do you think saying these things will make me want to come back" and that was the kick in the mouth for me.

i know this is a few days late, but what ended up happening in that particular relationship? i'm curious.

i said it to my ex and he ended up calling me immediately when he hadn't since that previous night. it's a cycle though. he still didn't change significantly. we're back where we start...NOWHERE.

Edited October 28, 2009 by muse08

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