Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 That is really scary. Run for the hills! lol...are you being sarcastic? "run for the hills"...that always sounds so funny to me. but seriously,...you're right.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 he just sent another text saying he is going to make it up to me...he wants a response i know.of course i don't plan on responding but what is he thinking! he's probably thinking i'm going to latch on to what he said and expect him to do something real "special"...not...
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 When these guys have thug connections, that's a really bad mix. My ex used to refer to himself as a 'well-educated thug'. ha ha. So funny (not). I dated another guy like this for a very short while and on the first or second date, he was telling me about how he retaliated against another woman. I think he thought I would really be impressed with that. It didn't take long for me to figure out that he enjoyed intimidating women. That was many years ago and recently I googled his name and there was this forum where he was bad-mouthing his ex-wife about their child, and the pediatrician. I just had to shake my head - he actually convinced someone to marry him and they were obviously ready to kill one another. And she had a kid by him! Ug! He never, ever changed. That is really scary about the food, and some of the other things he has said to you. He's definitely capable of anything. Does he know where your parents live? Yes, you need to be cautious but at the same time, don't focus on the fear of what he might get his thug buddies to do to you.
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 he just sent another text saying he is going to make it up to me...he wants a response i know.of course i don't plan on responding but what is he thinking! he's probably thinking i'm going to latch on to what he said and expect him to do something real "special"...not... Maybe instead of firing him up and getting him more pissed off, you can text something back that allows him to bow out without any of the usual venom - like, "You know, I appreciate your efforts but really even though you're a nice guy and I think we had something special, I just honestly believe that I'm not the right person for you. We need to go our separate ways. I wish you the very best." Maybe that'll shut him up and cool him off all at the same time. And then never speak to him again.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 When these guys have thug connections, that's a really bad mix. My ex used to refer to himself as a 'well-educated thug'. ha ha. So funny (not). I dated another guy like this for a very short while and on the first or second date, he was telling me about how he retaliated against another woman. I think he thought I would really be impressed with that. It didn't take long for me to figure out that he enjoyed intimidating women. That was many years ago and recently I googled his name and there was this forum where he was bad-mouthing his ex-wife about their child, and the pediatrician. I just had to shake my head - he actually convinced someone to marry him and they were obviously ready to kill one another. And she had a kid by him! Ug! He never, ever changed. That is really scary about the food, and some of the other things he has said to you. He's definitely capable of anything. Does he know where your parents live? Yes, you need to be cautious but at the same time, don't focus on the fear of what he might get his thug buddies to do to you. when men talk like that, it makes them seem so cowardly.but then again when they try just the opposite and try to portray themselves as supernice,that's also a redflag,IMO. no my ex doesn't know exactly where my parents live. they live a few hours away from here. my older brother lives nearby and i my closest guy friend isn't too far away.this gives me a little comfort and i pray for myself and my ex as well. i honestly don't know how much hurt he feels if any, but if loss of control or hurt causes someone to be vindictive and evil,that's something serious and i pray i never become that type of person.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Maybe instead of firing him up and getting him more pissed off, you can text something back that allows him to bow out without any of the usual venom - like, "You know, I appreciate your efforts but really even though you're a nice guy and I think we had something special, I just honestly believe that I'm not the right person for you. We need to go our separate ways. I wish you the very best." Maybe that'll shut him up and cool him off all at the same time. And then never speak to him again. well...i've tried that before and he just ignored it. so this time i was thinking what if i just ignored him. if i say what you just suggested i honestly think this will be his response which will only tick me off: "ok baby, have a good night. talk to you tomorrow.LOVE YOU."... what do you think though ANGEL? then he'll continue again the next day with something else stupid like giving me the run down of his day and constantly saying he loves me with more details of his day. saying i love you is only good if you didn't just do something evil to the other person the day before. i'm just guessing this is what will happen b/c it seems to be his pattern.he stays in denial and the more upset he thinks i am the calmer he gets...that lets me know he is a nut and just wants control. he has been saying he loves me even after last nite's incident...that's just crazy...i clearly do not feel loved and do not say it back. i care for him but he has pushed me further away each time he's done something ignorant.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Maybe instead of firing him up and getting him more pissed off, you can text something back that allows him to bow out without any of the usual venom - like, "You know, I appreciate your efforts but really even though you're a nice guy and I think we had something special, I just honestly believe that I'm not the right person for you. We need to go our separate ways. I wish you the very best." Maybe that'll shut him up and cool him off all at the same time. And then never speak to him again. ...and yet another text. this time he just said "goodnight honey, love you". there is no reasoning with him.i really believe this. do you think he could possibly be psychotic? i'm so serious. he's acting like everything is everything...??? i think the only reason he hasnt been stalking me(to my knowledge) is b/c str8 out the gate,i told him that i had an experience with an ex where i had to get a protective order against him for stalking. so he knows i will do it.so his only option now is to haunt/harass me.i will handle that as well if he continues thinking he's smart and slick.i shouldnt have to turn my phone off every night b/c of him. other people may legitimately have a reason to contact me...well he has a legitimate reason as well...he's legitimately and certifiably insane...
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 No, then don't respond. You're right to stay quiet and let him figure it out. I know that a lot of the time all they want is your attention - whether it's positive or negative. They don't care. If you've tried that tactic before, then there's no point. He's a bonafide idiot. I'm glad he doesn't know where your parents live, and I'm glad you have family and friends nearby. You're going to be fine.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 No, then don't respond. You're right to stay quiet and let him figure it out. I know that a lot of the time all they want is your attention - whether it's positive or negative. They don't care. If you've tried that tactic before, then there's no point. He's a bonafide idiot. I'm glad he doesn't know where your parents live, and I'm glad you have family and friends nearby. You're going to be fine. thanks... bonified was going to be my next choice word after certified.bonified is one of his favorite words for EVERYTHING...go figure... thank you so much ANGEL for your support and input.
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 hello all,just a brief update. he's still calling and texting. acting as if everything is normal with us. posting this helps me and hopefully some others get through and see things for what they really are. my ex has continued to contact me when he knows i am not trying to continue on with him.i told him briefly 2 nites ago that i had no other choice but to let him go.he contacted me the next morning after i said"do you think treating me like this(refer to my initial thread) will make me want to come back to you?". he then responded with something...i havent even been reading or listening to his messages b/c i don't wantot o get caught up in what he's thinking.he's been calling and texting me since 6:30 am this morning.when he sees me backing away he gets more aggressive...makes no sense.
TaraMaiden Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 So maybe someone has said this to you, maybe not... I haven't been through the whole thread, so I'm sorry if I seem to be echoing others.... He is only getting to you, because you let him in. Change your 'phone, change your number, change every means of being able to get in touch with you, possible. Cut him off, deny him access, prevent yourself from either hearing from him, or ever letting him hear from you. Just stop. Everything, in every way. Read the 'No Contact' link in my signature, and stick to it, absolutely, 100%.
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 ...and yet another text. this time he just said "goodnight honey, love you". there is no reasoning with him.i really believe this. do you think he could possibly be psychotic? i'm so serious. he's acting like everything is everything...??? i think the only reason he hasnt been stalking me(to my knowledge) is b/c str8 out the gate,i told him that i had an experience with an ex where i had to get a protective order against him for stalking. so he knows i will do it.so his only option now is to haunt/harass me.i will handle that as well if he continues thinking he's smart and slick.i shouldnt have to turn my phone off every night b/c of him. other people may legitimately have a reason to contact me...well he has a legitimate reason as well...he's legitimately and certifiably insane... I somehow missed this post last night. Yes, he is psychotic. I think that much is obvious. It's good that you told him about the former idiot so that he has reason to be a little afraid of you. He knows you won't let yourself be intimidated and that will be a certain kind of deterrent to him. I know it seems that you shouldn't have to ignore your phone but I would for awhile if I were you. I know you're resistent to this idea but I think it would be in your best interest to change your phone number. If you don't, he may stop this nonsense in a couple of weeks, but he'll be able to contact you again in 3 mos or 6 mos. These guys are relentless. Just a thought - I understand it's a hassle to change phone numbers but you've gotta ask yourself what your peace of mind if worth.
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 hello all,just a brief update. he's still calling and texting. acting as if everything is normal with us. posting this helps me and hopefully some others get through and see things for what they really are. my ex has continued to contact me when he knows i am not trying to continue on with him.i told him briefly 2 nites ago that i had no other choice but to let him go.he contacted me the next morning after i said"do you think treating me like this(refer to my initial thread) will make me want to come back to you?". he then responded with something...i havent even been reading or listening to his messages b/c i don't wantot o get caught up in what he's thinking.he's been calling and texting me since 6:30 am this morning.when he sees me backing away he gets more aggressive...makes no sense. You need to read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" and this will give you a LOT of insight as to what he's doing and why he's doing it. This thing about acting like nothing is wrong is just his 'excuse' for continuing to contact you. Because if he acknowledged what you said, then he'd have to stop, right? He also thinks that you'll think it's charming that he's so smitten with you that he just can't accept losing you. It's all a crock and he's a total nutcase. So, basically, you have two choices - ignore him, or send him a text that says, "Excuse me, but are you completely off your rocker??? Are you just too stupid to know when someone has broken up with you??? I wasn't aware that you had the IQ of a 2-yr-old. Stop calling me and stop texting me - and let me know which part of this you don't fully understand." Ok, maybe not but it's fun to think about it, huh? ha! ha!
Author muse08 Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 You need to read the book by Lundy Bancroft entitled, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" and this will give you a LOT of insight as to what he's doing and why he's doing it. This thing about acting like nothing is wrong is just his 'excuse' for continuing to contact you. Because if he acknowledged what you said, then he'd have to stop, right? He also thinks that you'll think it's charming that he's so smitten with you that he just can't accept losing you. It's all a crock and he's a total nutcase. So, basically, you have two choices - ignore him, or send him a text that says, "Excuse me, but are you completely off your rocker??? Are you just too stupid to know when someone has broken up with you??? I wasn't aware that you had the IQ of a 2-yr-old. Stop calling me and stop texting me - and let me know which part of this you don't fully understand." Ok, maybe not but it's fun to think about it, huh? ha! ha! lol...you're funny. this is serious business but the last part you wrote was funny. i probably do need to send him something like that to him. however, i am very resistant to changing my number. no that you mentioned it though...he wanted me to change my number when we were together.i didn't of ocurse.he didn't want me to have contact with the guys i know. i'm also going to look inwardly as well, to see is there anything in me that attracts or allows these kinds of men into my life! this is like the 3rd guy who acts like this, i.e. insane, when i break up. i will say that i liked the attention from the start but it quickly got weird to me. am i in need of too much attention?should i only date guys who are more reserved and let me pursue them?? i don't want that...so what's a girl to do? i am quite aloof so i've been told by MANY. this has become a pattern in my relationships and i don't want it to continue. i was very clear with the other guys that i wanted to break up.AND...we DID NOT go back and forth after i broke up with them...so what is it? btw, thanks a bunch for the book reference. will read!
Angel1111 Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Yeah, I got a giggle out of the last part, too. It was just too funny to think of actually saying something like that to such a bozo. You know, I've done a lot of soul-searching over the years because I have had only 2 encounters with men like this in my life and they were back-to-back. I didn't grow up in a violent or abusive home so it's not an environment thing. Plus, it was much later in my life - in my late 30's. The only thing I have been able to come up with is that during that phase of my life, I was going through an extended divorce that dragged on for years. I ended up having to appeal the case. It was a total mess that took 6 yrs to resolve - 2 for the divorce and 4 for the appeal. And even though I appeared calm on the outside, I think I was very angry inside because this thing just hung over my head year after year and it was totally ridiculous. I think my repressed anger attracted these crazy, angry people in my life. This is the only thing I can think of to put my finger on why I attracted 2 men in a row like this. How about you - has anything been going on that has made you angry that you really haven't expressed or resolved? You said that you hate your job - could this be the source? I just wonder if there's a connection with things like that. I do think that relationships are a reflection of what we believe so I guess it would make sense.
Author muse08 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Yeah, I got a giggle out of the last part, too. It was just too funny to think of actually saying something like that to such a bozo. You know, I've done a lot of soul-searching over the years because I have had only 2 encounters with men like this in my life and they were back-to-back. I didn't grow up in a violent or abusive home so it's not an environment thing. Plus, it was much later in my life - in my late 30's. The only thing I have been able to come up with is that during that phase of my life, I was going through an extended divorce that dragged on for years. I ended up having to appeal the case. It was a total mess that took 6 yrs to resolve - 2 for the divorce and 4 for the appeal. And even though I appeared calm on the outside, I think I was very angry inside because this thing just hung over my head year after year and it was totally ridiculous. I think my repressed anger attracted these crazy, angry people in my life. This is the only thing I can think of to put my finger on why I attracted 2 men in a row like this. How about you - has anything been going on that has made you angry that you really haven't expressed or resolved? You said that you hate your job - could this be the source? I just wonder if there's a connection with things like that. I do think that relationships are a reflection of what we believe so I guess it would make sense. wow...you sound so balanced and WISE... divorce can definetly take it's toll on someone, whether we realize it or not. but you sound like you've managed to work through it and find "peace". you hit pretty close to home with what you brought up about anger and the law of attraction. no i'm not happy with my job. but even more importantly, i have been carrying around anger towards my father for years...he was very neglectful and i still resent him till this day. i have very light conversations with him when i decide to answer his calls or communicate with him.he's trying to call all the time now, but wasn't there when i was growing up and really needed him. never asked "are you ok? do you need anything?" i asked him for things that he never came through with. he did help my once since i've been an adult, but i feel like the damage he did is still present and my relationships seem to suffer. i'm also resentful b/c he always calls and sounds so upbeat like everything is ok...but he's never really apologized on his own for just not being there. my mother says he has some emotional issues(some stemming from the war/vietnam). however, as a girl growing i wasn't able to figure that sh*t out. so yes i do have some anger that i though i'd let go of. but when i'm in an unpleasant relationship the anger comes back and i wonder how much smarter about men i would be had my father been a responsible, emotionally balanced father in my life. also...my father as very controlling with my mother.think i mentioned that in a previous post. they've been divorced since i was 4yrs-old.i have one single memory of them being together, but they were fighting, go figure...and i was in between them both or my mother was holding me.that's they only thing i remember about their relationship.
Angel1111 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) That's all really sad and probably is the crux of your issues. This may sound strange to you, but I think that you should spend the next few days or weeks saying this to yourself each night as you're drifting off to sleep: "I forgive my father for the things he did to hurt me and I forgive him for the things that affected us as a family. I'm sure that he, too, is a wounded soul and did not know how to reach out to us, or how to get past his own pain. I am now an adult and I have a beautiful life ahead of me and I know that no matter what, my father never intended to hurt me or make me sad, nor would he want it to ruin my life. I wish him and my mother only the best things in life. The past can no longer hurt me. I am now free and I deserve all the good things in life." Write these words, or words that resonate with you, on a piece of paper and read them each night before going to sleep. I promise you it will make a difference in your life. Do this until you feel at peace. Whenever you think negatively about your father throughout the day, change it to a thought of forgiveness. As the saying goes, not forgiving someone is like swallowing poison and hoping the other person will die. By not forgiving your father, you're poisoning yourself and your life. I've had to forgive myself for my past mistakes because they were ruining me. Once we free ourselves of the judgements we have of others and ourselves, we become free to live fully. Edited October 22, 2009 by Angel1111
Angel1111 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I was just about to go to bed when I had another thought. Have you ever asked your dad about his life? I mean like his childhood, the war, the people he's known, etc. Sometimes these kinds of conversations can clear the way to a better relationship and it may help you understand your dad a little better. Just a thought. Hope this helps.
Author muse08 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) I was just about to go to bed when I had another thought. Have you ever asked your dad about his life? I mean like his childhood, the war, the people he's known, etc. Sometimes these kinds of conversations can clear the way to a better relationship and it may help you understand your dad a little better. Just a thought. Hope this helps. you have such a beautiful spirit and wise advice. thank you,thank you and thank you especially for your previous post about the affirmation to myself. you're right and i know it.i've discussed this w/mom and we both realize that this can only ruin my life and prevent me from moving forward with healthy relationships. so from this day forward, along with prayer i will say what you gave me to say before i go to bed and throughout my days. i still may need counseling, but this helps.bless your soul! i have asked my father about why he wasn't there.he could never answer directly. he did mention that he also grew up without a father,as if that's supposed to excuse him. but his father died...he didn't intentionally neglect him.to me it's worse when a parent chooses to not be there...10 times worse b/c kids are left with the question of WHY. there was a time when he was calling me day after day to get me to speak to him but i never answered until he had tears in his "voice" almost. he eventually said something that sounded more real than anything else but i've never seen a tear fall from his face or even say sorry for the neglect. i told myself that i would let go of the pain but it comes back each time i have a failed relationship...i think why have a allowed this type of man in my life and what have i done to allow myself to me this upset,or hurt or depressed.i have bouts with depression as well.right now i'm struggling to go back to a job that i am not happy with. bad environment and this year started off very chaotic and supervisor seemed to not take responisbility for allowing so many negative issues to exist...i will force myself to go back into work on friday or monday but right now i feel like i just need an emotional break. Edited October 22, 2009 by muse08
Angel1111 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 (edited) It's a good idea to take a break from your job. If you decide that your job is too much for you, that it's too negative, maybe the best thing to do would be to quit and live with your mom for awhile. But give it thought before you do that. You can't unscramble a scrambled eggs, as they say, so make sure you'll be happy with your decision. It might be the most freeing thing you could do, but just don't make the decision hastily. The things you say tell me a lot about your dad's life and why he's so distant. First of all, men are taught that it's a weakness to cry - so even though I'm sure he has cried about his relationship with you, he would probably be mortified for you to see that. Also, I'm guessing that his life was pretty tough when his dad died and he was probably never taught to be close to anyone - and he may have had to become the man of the house after that. He probably suffered a lot from his dad's death but had no one who reached out to him. What I meant when I said to ask him about his life is to find out things that he did, jobs he worked at, what it was like in Vietnam, etc. This is not for the purpose of him explaining to you why he was the way he was, it's for you to understand him, and for him to feel like someone cares enough to ask. Maybe at Thanksgiving or Christmas, if you're looking for conversation, this might be a good time to hear about his life. I think your dad went through a lot and never really recovered. But whatever the case is, yes he made his choices - but it's smarter for us to accept people for the things they chose and understand that even though it often seems personal, it isn't. I sincerely doubt that your dad ever meant to hurt you in any way. The more you know about him, the easier it will be to forgive him. It doesn't mean that you don't acknowledge that you were hurt, or that you just suck it up, it just means that you acknowledge all of it and still find forgiveness in your heart. See him as the little boy who lost a father - the man he looked up to, who was to teach him everything about being a man. See him as a little boy so shattered in his heart that he didn't know what to do. And then you'll soften toward him. The fact that he called you numerous times tells me that he really wants to repair things with you. You will be so much happier when you release all this negativity from your heart. You might even find that your xbf disappears and leaves you alone, leaving room for a truly wonderful man and great love in your life. Edited October 22, 2009 by Angel1111
Angel1111 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Btw, thanks for the nice things you said about me. That made me feel good.
Author muse08 Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 you're more than welcome angel. i am doing some deep thinking this week. i'm wondering how things would be once i let go of the hurt and eventually moved back home for a while. just not sure though,simply b/c i like my independence, you know.been on my own ever since college graduation. my dad has been hurt i'm sure.actually his stepfather passed away as well...so he really probably put up a wall after they both passed. not sure how i would have handled something like that. btw, he's (my ex) still calling.started this morning around 9am. late last nite he kept texting i will talk to you when you call me.he said that several times, but i never called. yet he still kept calling even up until today several times. to me that makes it more obvious that he wasnt serious when he acted like he was going to stop calling until i called him.i guess he thought i would latch on to that and call him... i hate to say it but,i know i don't want drama and i feel like he is playing games...but i might miss some of the attention when he stops calling and texting. does that mean that i really still care for him or what?
Angel1111 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Well, that's part of the appeal with your xbf because he feeds your ego. It's a powerful thing. And, yes, of course you still care about him. You don't have a relationship with someone and walk away with no feelings about the whole thing. That would be unrealistic. Just because he's a psycho doesn't mean he doesn't have any redeeming qualities. But you just need to keep it in perspective and realize that despite the ego-feeding and other things that were good about him, overall, the relationship is excessively unhealthy and he has even threatened violence. This isn't even remotely funny. It's always hard to make the break with anyone because it takes awhile for the bond to fully break. Using my 'axe murderer' theory, being with him would be like saying to someone, "Oh, my! He is an awesome person - he's so attentive and generous and he loves kids. The only thing is, he's an axe murderer." I use this analogy a lot - some people may be sick of hearing it by now - but I use the ridiculous to make a point. He may be a great guy in some areas but excusing his craziness and potentially violent behavior is like overlooking the fact that he's an axe murderer. You just can't do it. I'm glad you're processing a lot. You know, it would be impossible for me to give up my independence - I never saw it as an option. I doubt that it would work out for you to become dependent again. I would suggest that you look for another position while you stay at your current job. You're a smart girl and you have a degree. There's no reason why you shouldn't be able to find a job that you love.
Author muse08 Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 And, yes, of course you still care about him. You don't have a relationship with someone and walk away with no feelings about the whole thing. i know. so true. Using my 'axe murderer' theory, being with him would be like saying to someone, "Oh, my! He is an awesome person - he's so attentive and generous and he loves kids. The only thing is, he's an axe murderer." I use this analogy a lot - some people may be sick of hearing it by now - but I use the ridiculous to make a point. He may be a great guy in some areas but excusing his craziness and potentially violent behavior is like overlooking the fact that he's an axe murderer. You just can't do it. great analogy. it surely got my attention! it may sound funny in a sense but you never know how someone will turn out, especially if you've already had some suspisions(which i have). my intuition frequently serves me well...i'm learning to work with it,rather than against it.
Angel1111 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Some abusive guys will threaten to slap a person, or throw things, or draw their fist back in a threatening gesture. That's bad enough. But your ex threatened to choke you. There is a lot implied in that comment. Choking is immediately associated with suffocating and death. It is associated with being helpless, a victim, with someone having abolute power over your life and being at their mercy. My 'axe murderer' analogy isn't so far off the mark with this guy. He's just a heartbeat away from violence. Love does not EVER speak in these terms. But crazy, violent, deranged people do. Viva la difference.
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