art_vandelay Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Just found this forum by pure chance. I have a little story that I thought maybe I could get some input on. I actually originally posted this in the lounge section on a auto forum (because a lot of members help with personal advice there). I have feeling this would be a better forum. Here's the story: First, sorry this is so long. I know it might cause some ADD to kick in but I tried to keep it as short as I could and get all the facts in. Anyway, I suspect you guys might have a field day with this. The question is, what would a typical member think about this case?. First of all, let me give you the demographics....We're not talking about a couple of twenty-somethings breezing in and out of short-term relationships. There was quite a bit invested in this relationship, emotionally, financially, etc. This all started when I was 40 and she was 36. We are now 49 and 45. There are also children involved, I have three well adjusted girls, she has a boy and a girl (can't comment on them). Anyway, long story short, we met we she was hired to work in the PR dept. of the company I work for in early 2000. I wasn't out there looking for a relationship but we seemed to hit it off real well and over the course of 6 months, started seeing each other. We seemed to be a match made in heaven to all observers. After about a year or so, we decided to try to make it permanent. Part of that involved adding on to my existing house to make it large enough for her and her kids to be there (their father had primary custody but they would visit). Quite a lot of money was put into that, along with other things to make this happen. We got engaged, finished the house, and in November 2003, she moved in. Since we were going to be married, we shared living expenses and everything was cool. At the very end of December 2003, my mother became ill, diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Without going into awful details, this was quite an ordeal for my family that went for about 28 months. During this time, my finance apparently started having second thoughts about the living arrangements. I found out later that she felt I was not giving her enough attention. She also didn't enjoy being around my kids or other relatives, especially my ex-wife who was still friendly with the family and who was trying to lend support (we had an amicable split and stayed friends, I guess that's bad). My mom passed away in May 2006. After about a month, I wanted to try to get things back on track with my fiance and make plans to get married. It then became obvious that something was very wrong and after much prodding, she finally admitted that she had been involved with another man for the last several months, that she met at her son's basketball games, and had strong feelings for him. She refused to stop seeing him and a couple days later, in early July 2006, she moved out of my house and into his. In the aftermath, I was left to struggle with all the bills and financial responsibility from the commitments we made, not to mention the emotional loss. In the meantime, I did meet another woman who I am now in a good relationship with but no plans beyond that. Now here's the thing for you guys to consider....for most of the last three years since she left, my ex-finance has wanted us to continue on by having an affair. She does not want to leave the boyfriend she moved in with. She does not want me to leave my girlfriend. But she says she still is in love with me and made a huge mistake by leaving. She blames this mistake on the above mentioned issues plus the fact that she had a "mini-breakdown" when her 93 year old grandmother became ill and also passed away (about a month after my mother), and the fact she missed her kids which, all caused her not to think straight. She now says she is not compatible with this man but,despite that admission, she wants to stay with him and just have the affair. She says she doesn't have enough money to live on her own and she can't ever come back to be with me. So, there she stays. On the one hand, I sometimes think it would be ok to get some payback on this guy and have the affair. Plus, I do still have feelings for her too and I have missed her. But most of the time, my pride and self respect, not to mention my sense of morals, take over and tell me that she is just playing games and I should be moving on as fast as I can. I have told her I don't want to see her because, bottom line for me is, I think if what she says is true, there's no way she stays with this other man for over 3 years counting (that's longer than she lived with me and we were compatible). What do you guys think about all this? Can she possibly be sincere? I've talked this over with a few people but they're mostly biased. Need some unbiased opinions.. Since I posted this on the car forum, she called and said her new boyfriend somehow found it out there and told her to leave. She was very upset and she went to stay with a divorced girlfriend of hers. Then a few days later he asked her to come back and I believe she did but since then, she has totally cut off all contact with me after being saying for the last three years that she always wanted me to stay in her life. Did you ever hear of anything so strange? Any comments?
MrFun Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Holy crap! Where to start??? we seemed to hit it off real well...started seeing each other. We seemed to be a match made in heaven to all observers. About one in six women out there are a "match made in heaven". Finding a loving partner out there is not difficult, they are in abundance. my mother became ill, diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer...I found out later that she felt I was not giving her enough attention Leave her. If a woman can't support her man in times of trouble she's not worth the shoes she walks in. That is the most basic reason why a guy gives up his freedom and independence to be in a relationship. You know, you support her, she supports you, etc. You get a lot further in life that way. she finally admitted that she had been involved with another man for the last several months Yet another important reason to run. She was feeding off your resources and no his AT THE SAME TIME. Resources you should be spending on your children or yourself, or even your dog. At least the dog would be loyal. In the aftermath, I was left to struggle with all the bills and financial responsibility from the commitments we made, not to mention the emotional loss. So she's a liar, a cheat, has no empathy. Not only did you waste your energy and resources on this woman, you've also been financially damaged. Great. She's really wife material In the meantime, I did meet another woman who I am now in a good relationship with but no plans beyond that. I hope she fulfils all the things your ex didn't. Maybe you heart is still stuck on this old one, but if you learn to let her down, your new one would be a much successful ride. my ex-finance has wanted us to continue on by having an affair. She does not want to leave the boyfriend she moved in with. She's messed up and has issues. RUN! She says she doesn't have enough money to live on her own and she can't ever come back to be with me. So, there she stays. What nerve!!! On the one hand, I sometimes think it would be ok to get some payback on this guy and have the affair Payback? Why even think in those terms? He is stuck with HER, a woman that doesn't even love him and doesn't want to leave him because she doesn't have the financial means. Yuck. Plus, I do still have feelings for her too and I have missed her. Now we're getting down to the juice. This is the ONLY problem I see in this posting. But most of the time, my pride and self respect, not to mention my sense of morals, take over and tell me that she is just playing games and I should be moving on as fast as I can. Thank God!!! There is a man in there!!! Now lets go out for a beer.... I have told her I don't want to see her because, bottom line for me is, I think if what she says is true, there's no way she stays with this other man for over 3 years counting No, the bottom line is: she sucks. Since I posted this on the car forum, she called and said her new boyfriend somehow found it out there and told her to leave. She was very upset and she went to stay with a divorced girlfriend of hers. Then a few days later he asked her to come back and I believe she did but since then, she has totally cut off all contact with me after being saying for the last three years that she always wanted me to stay in her life. Did you ever hear of anything so strange? Any comments? Hahaha, sounds like a soap opera. Question: do you really need and want all this in your life? If you knew, that you could get any woman you desire, would you still pursue the thought of possibly taking her back? Is there no-one on this planet that you'd rather be together with than her? Why aren't you looking for that person?
2sure Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 She likes drama...but not so much that it becomes an inconvenience to her lifestyle.
CaliGuy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 There are so many problems with your relationship with her in general that it's not even funny. She cheats on you. She moves in with the new guy. You find another girl. You cheat on her with your ex, your ex cheats on her b/f with you. You rat him out (come on you had to know he would find that post). She doesn't want to talk to you anymore. Neither of you are capable of having a healthy, committed relationship. You both are bad for each other and your current significant others. You both need professional counseling IMHO.
Author art_vandelay Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) Thanks for the replies so far. The only thing I would disagree with above is the notion that I knew the new boyfriend would find what I posted. I really never considered that he would because I figured the chances he would go on a very specialized forum like that to be very remote (just like I don't expect he would be reading this here). I really don't know what could have led him to go there. Other than that, yes, I agree it is a bad situation. I suspect she will go back to live with the new guy mainly because she has nowhere else in the area she can go long term. I think eventually she will move back to her hometown with her parents, but not until her son graduates HS next year. But, I don't see things getting better for that relationship. She has told me for a while it's not good. I just hope she does not endanger herself because she has said he has a very bad temper. Edited October 20, 2009 by art_vandelay
Author art_vandelay Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I just want clarify also that I was never in favor of having an affair with her after she left. I felt I had worked too hard and invested too much to be left with just that type of relationship with her (not to mention the moral implications). On the other hand, she always claimed we needed to "re-build" something before we could ever have a real relationship again. Even though she was the one that cheated and left, she said I needed to be able to make things good between us but that I kept ruining things by not being agreeable with the situation (mainly that she wanted a part-time relationship with me while she was sleeping with another man every day in the meantime). Should I blame myself for not being more tolerant and keep trying to "build" something. Keep in mind, she's been saying that for over three years..
Author art_vandelay Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Hope you all don't mind if I bump this back to the top. I'm still wondering what everyone thinks of this notion my ex had.......that I am the one that ruined our chances of re-building a relationship again because I kept having disputes with her instead of trying to make things good. Her idea was that we should see each other, much as we did when we first started seeing each other 9 years ago, and see where things go. She said things like - if she couldn't make it with me, she couldn't make it with anybody, that we were ultimately meant to be together, that she never loved anyone like she loved me, I'm her best friend, soul mate, etc. She said she felt like every decision she made was wrong and she never should have started a relationship with another man. The main problem I had with trying to re-build with her was, she wanted to do this secretly while she continued to live with her new BF and stay in a relationship with him. She claimed this was because she could not afford to live on her own and had nowhere else to go (she would not come back to live with me because my family and friends would not accept her now). She said she had no plans to make any commitments to this man at all so not to worry about it. She refused to marry him and she also refused to become legally and financially tied to him in any way (for instance, he bought another house a year and a half after she moved in with him and offered to put her on the deed as co-owner but she said no). So, under her plan, she would just continue on in a relationship with this new guy indefinitely (living with him 24/7) and I should continue on with my new GF (who I do not live with btw) while we see each other every once in a while on the side and go to lunch, have sex, or whatever, and see how it all turns out in the end. Since I would not go along with this and argued with her about it, I was blamed for our failure to reconcile. Do any of you think this is reasonable? Who is the really the crazy one here?
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