midorisarah Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I have a lot to say, but right now I just wanted to get straight to the point and ask for advice. My husband is my best friend, has been now for eleven years, but I let all my defenses down and allowed him "full" access to me... I've never done this before, let someone in, I mean. I pride myself on laughing off the pain and showing a happy face when things get bad, so it's usually hard for people to really know the true me. I'm not sure why, but I've always been this way. I protect myself. Until now. I guess I need to know what to do/how to deal/when to stop worrying all the time! I feel like I am unraveling!! It has been awhile now, so I think I should be over the "wonder what or who he's doing stage" but I can't shake it. ~ok, in a nutshell, we came into a slump in our sex life, it was still there, just not as exciting as it had been for many years... he comes home one day and says we are invited to an "exclusive' halloween party and informs me there may be some wildness to it... I figure what the heck, we go, crazy night leads us into thinking we should try "swinging' with a couple that we thought were our friends... made some major rules going in together #1 we both do this together, if one is out, so is the other, #2we are always completely honest with eachother, we knew we'd have to be, and #3we always do things together, or at least with the other person's knowledge and agreement... so after a few "fun" nights, I get this major guiolt trip that I am having more fun than he is and we should stop. I was pretty much made out to be this bad guy for having such a good time, but he was doing the same so I was confused... until the husband of the other wife calls to tell me that my husband and his wife screwed w/out our knowledge... my husband lies to my face for three full days while the entire time I felt guiolty and like a horrible wife for not believing him, things did not add up... finally on the third night, he fessed up and ripped out my heart while doing so~ I told you there was more, and there is, it gets even dicier, but I am exhausted and just need to know if because I was "all in" when we started if it is wrong of me to be so hurt... there have been more lies (including a three year "friendship" with another woman I only found out about in therapy, that was lied about for a week!) Am I wrong to not believe anything he says? Am I wrong to question his every move? Am I wrong to continue to let this eat me alive????!!! Please just tell me something. Thanks for letting me vent! Sarah
Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You are not wrong to feel hurt. You have been betrayed, you have every right to be upset and hurt by that betrayal. You had set down guidelines before ANYTHING happened. Rules that you both agreed to, and he broke the rules. I am sorry that this happened to you. I am sorry that you are hurting. Have you considered MC? I think perhaps MC could help you to start to heal some of the wounds. Perhaps you will find other ways of "spicing things up" besides going outside of each other for that spice. I can only imagine how hard that must be for you. Even when it is agreed upon, and both parties are "willing" and "allow" it to take place, there is bound to be some jealousy when your partner is sexually involved with someone else. It is human nature. My suggestion is that you and your husband get to counseling ASAP and start to work through the pain. You seem to love your husband very much, and THAT is a very good place to start the healing. Good luck.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 That swinger S*** is the same story. A bored husband pimps out his wife so he can get some other guy's wife as an exchange. Men should bring their girlfriends or FWB buddies to the hedonist festivals, not their wives. It makes you wonder if we men have any honor or integrity... but that's another discussion. Getting back to the point, yes, you should start questioning your husband about alot of things, starting with the "friendship" with this OW first. If your husband has no qualms about pimping you out to other men, then I have a feeling that breaking the social taboo of having an affair is not that far of a stretch. I'm going to sound harsh, but from what you have posted, it sounds like you have been both betrayed and played.
FreezorBurn Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Sounds to me the Swinging Lifestyle was not the problem but his Infedelity IS! Or He got you into the lifestyle under the wrong pretences. "Swingers" oddly enough normally have very healthy marriages and proven lowest divorce ratio. (Statistic Via Google). Sounds like your issue is the same old infedelity issue many of us face, just your husband approached it in a very odd way. P.S. You didn't allow anything to happen. He went off and had sex without your permission and he "BROKE THE RULES" you two laid out.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Well FB, you and I are not going to agree on the swinger marriage success rate. I am not a click and paste internet scholar so I don't put too much creedence into what wikipedia says. The only thing I have to go by is my moral standards and the people I have talked too. I know of 2 swinger couple in my lifetime, and both of the marriages ended burned to the ground after they decided to try the "lifestyle". Additionally, I am intially friends with the men first, and they are both nilhists and hedonists, so I am really not suprised that their marriages ended the way they did. The swinging was both initiated by them, which was no big suprise, and ended by the wives divorcing them, so unless you have a plethora of postive personal experiences, I am not buying it. I will say we do agree about the betrayal that he commited to his wife.
road Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) Another example of why swaping, and threesomes and watching their spouse with OP never lead to anywhere good. And, the husband cheated because he broke the ground rules by keeping it a secret and not getting permission. Also many a WS uses swinging to bring their affair out into the open. Making it easier to bang their AP. You should ask the OWH if it was his idea or the OW's idea to swing. If the OW's idea maybe the WH and the OW were going at it before this swapping happened. Edited October 20, 2009 by road
MistyK Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Jumping jimmy, The two swinging couples I knew had a similar result. Both men ended up leaving their W's for the W's of the other men. But it's hard to say that it was the swinging lifestyle persay. There seems to be a attitude within people who go into the swinging lifestyle that causes a lot of problems. I know that the W's of the couples I knew had both been cheating on their H's with various guys at work prior to their H's leaving them for the W's of another couple. Potayto - Potahto.
MistyK Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 midorisarah, Whenever couples set groundrules for such a dicey arrangement, it's usually acknowledged that any deviation from the rules will cause hurt and upset. That is afterall the point of the rules in the 1st place. He betrayed your trust just as if you had never engaged in the swinging thing to begin with. It the spoken rules in open marriages that are just as important as the unspoken ones in closed marriages. He cheated and betrayed you and based on what you describe as a possible prior affair, I agree that you were probably set up.
scatterd Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 He did it behind your back wish is no longer part of what you agreed on.Thats cheating to me you should be mad.You have a right to say you dont want to do this too.I knew a couple of people that have done this and they ended up divorced.To each is own but are you sure you want to swing?
Author midorisarah Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Ok, I wasn't the "planner" of the swinging, but I didn't go against it either, which I think is where my initial guilt comes in~ I feel like I could have stopped it. As for the idea he may have had this planned, never thought of that before, and yes, it was infact the OW that brought it up to her husband, so now I'm really thinking outside the box... the crazy part is that my H and the OWH used to be super close, so I figured it was a "guys idea" thing, then, I truly felt, after a bit of euphoria/head in the clouds, that the OW wanted me out of the picture completely... it's a shame I was blind at the time, grrrr! Is it crazy that I'm even more mad at her now and not my H??? Does it help that she ended up a crazy B***H?? After all was said and done, she divorced her husband, and I feel worse for him! How screwed up am I!? As for these things always ending bad, I believe that is often the case, or at least what is more common the "talk", and now, a burned victim myself, I am an adult and feel as though I should have known better. Sarah
lostsunsets Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Crazy swappers. Ruined your marriage. Really sad.
jnj express Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Hey MS---your beef is not with the OW, she went along for the ride just like you----Your H. is a cheater, he had a relationship with another woman, and then he sets up swinging----many times swinging backfires and one or both partners, end up blowing the mge. apart----which may happen here----You need to confront your H. either he wants to be in a normal mge., or he wants to cheat---which is it, and what will you tolerate----If you want a normal mge., then you need to set some strong boundaries, with deal breaker consequences. At this point you both need to find some strong psychological help, or your mge., will wither and die. But stop blaming the OW, she is not cheating on you---YOUR h. IS THE ONE CHEATING ON YOU. dEAL WITH HIM, AND DO IT STRONGLY, AND FORCEFULLY
Author midorisarah Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 my H and I are trying to figure it all out, or so I thought.... I just don't know if I can get passed all this!!
sxyNYCcpl Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Sarah- I am sorry to learn of your pain, perhaps I can provide some insight. My wife and I are swingers, and we've been active participants in the lifestyle scene for about 6 years now. In our experience, swinging tends to be a very positive thing... IF you have a solid foundation going in. It sounds like the plan here was to use swinging to fix your relationship, and while I have heard of that working, more often than not it makes things worse, as it appears to have done for you. LS isn't the best place to get advice on this because there are so many people who just don't understand and will pop off with knee jerk, largely false information (e.g. swinging always ruins relationships, which is simply not true) that will not be helpful. If you are interested, PM me and I'll send you a link I think will be helpful. A quick couple of points. First, cheating and swinging are not the same thing, and what your husband did was not swinging. Second, everything you've ever been taught about sexuality is wrong. So long as everyone involved in whatever transpires is a consenting adult human, it's all good and there is no reason for guilt. Finally, I would recommend that ANY swinging activity cease until and unless you guys can get your relationship back on solid ground. I wish you luck.
Author midorisarah Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 I am new here and not sure what "PM me" means, and/or how to actually do that... I am looking for anyone that can help with all of this, I guess if you have any experience like I do that would even be better!! Thanks again for the kind words... it"s a long road and I just don't want to travel the same one the same way... Sarah
Fallen Angel Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 I am new here and not sure what "PM me" means, and/or how to actually do that... I am looking for anyone that can help with all of this, I guess if you have any experience like I do that would even be better!! Thanks again for the kind words... it"s a long road and I just don't want to travel the same one the same way... Sarah PM means private message, and you can't do it yet because you are too new to the boards. You have to be an established member (been here for a certain length of time or a certain number of posts) or be a supporting memeber (have a paid membership) before you can Private Message.
imagine Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Hi M, There are three types of relationships: Buyers, renters and free loaders. When you buy a property, its yours and you commit to it. If you rent a property, you expect to get out of it what you put in. A free loader stays and takes as much as what they can get. By swinging, each one is trying to extract the best value out of their piece of land. Clearly it does involve other people to maximize the pleasure. Its also an opportunity to cop out. I know of contributors that have expressed satisfaction in their continuing lifestyle. I believe it encroaches a renter lifestyle. I also believe that no-one needs this opportunity to undermine a marriage. Sorry SsexyNYC, I cannot back you and I hope the opportunity for cheating does not present itself.
sxyNYCcpl Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 Don't worry, imagine, I do not need your validation to make me feel better about myself, I'm just fine. If you prefer your relationships to be monogamous, more power to you, just don't presume that because that is what you want for you, it is a necessary requirement for everyone. Yes, by definition, swinging involves other people, but if anything it's the opposite of a cop out. Participants acknowledge that their way of living is different from the societal "norm", and accept that. It's just how we roll. The "opportunity" for cheating (or perhaps more accurately, the "opportunity" to ATTEMPT to cheat) exists all around each of us every day, it is up to us as individuals how we choose to respond to temptation. To the OP, if you will give me permission in the thread, I will PM you the link I have in mind.
viennawaits Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 PM means private message. Hit the link next to the poster and talk to them privately. Good luck.
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