searcher Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 (edited) I’m in a bit of confusion right now, I seem to be riding that never ending rollercoaster of emotions. I hope that by posing here I can get some different perspectives on my situation. Here is a (hopefully) brief rundown of events in the last year. In December last year my H started an affair. A month after the affair started I got the ILYBINILWY and I need some space speech. A month after that H wanted to separate. While separated H kept in continuous contact with me and lead me to believe there was a real possibility that we would be able to work things out. I was not aware of the affair, and even though everyone told me there must be someone else I truly did not (or chose not) to believe this was true. In mid April H tells me he is seeing someone who he had recently meet and it was not at that time a physical relationship (all lies – it had been a PA since mid December). Things quickly progress to him wanting a divorce and telling me that he wanted to be with OW, there was no future for us. In May he asks if he can come home, thinks we can work things out. Two weeks later I find he is still on contact with OW and is planning on leaving me again. I told him to go, I was so disgusted by his behaviour and believed that the marriage is over and beyond repair A few months after this, in June I started seeing someone else. It was a physical relationship with someone I felt very compatible with. In mid July my H comes back and tells me he made the biggest mistake and asks me to take him back. He agrees to do whatever I want. He didn’t know about my relationship with OM. He ended the relationship with OW, wanted to do MC and anything else I wanted. I told him about OM which sent him into overdrive in trying to win me back. After only about a week I agreed. We have been back together for 3 months now. H has been doing everything he can. He has given me all the details and timelines of the affair. There is complete transparency. There has been NC at all between him and OW. He’s answered all my questions and out up with all my ups and downs and doubts. I took him back firstly because I love him. Secondly because we have two children and I still wanted the future we had planed together The problem I have is that everyday, at some point, I think to myself, it’s not going to work. It’s like I’m going through the motions of being married and being his wife, and even though I love him, I see myself walking away. I can’t reconcile in my own head what the right thing for me is to do. Should I stay so everyone else is happy and one day I might be too. Or should I take the risk of leaving and having a life free from this man who what caused me incredible amounts of pain and devastation. Perhaps if people could share there stories, whether they have stayed in or left the marriage after infidelity It could help me look at my own situation in different ways. Edited October 20, 2009 by searcher
Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 [i’m in a bit of confusion right now, I seem to be riding that never ending rollercoaster of emotions. I hope that by posing here I can get some different perspectives on my situation. Here is a (hopefully) brief rundown of events in the last year. In December last year my H started an affair. A month after the affair started I got the ILYBINILWY and I need some space speech. A month after that H wanted to separate. While separated H kept in continuous contact with me and lead me to believe there was a real possibility that we would be able to work things out. I was not aware of the affair, and even though everyone told me there must be someone else I truly did not (or chose not) to believe this was true In mid April H tells me he is seeing someone who he had recently meet and it was not at that time a physical relationship (all lies – it had been a PA since mid December). Things quickly progress to him wanting a divorce and telling me that he wanted to be with OW, there was no future for us. In May he asks if he can come home, thinks we can work things out. Two weeks later I find he is still on contact with OW and is planning on leaving me again. I told him to go, I was so disgusted by his behaviour and believed that the marriage is over and beyond repair A few months after this, in June I started seeing someone else. It was a physical relationship with someone I felt very compatible with. In mid July my H comes back and tells me he made the biggest mistake and asks me to take him back. He agrees to do whatever I want. He didn’t know about my relationship with OM He ended the relationship with OW, wanted to do MC and anything else I wanted. I told him about OM which sent him into overdrive in trying to win me back. After only about a week I agreed We have been back together for 3 months now. H has been doing everything he can. He has given me all the details and timelines of the affair. There is complete transparency. There has been NC at all between him and OW. He’s answered all my questions and out up with all my ups and downs and doubts I took him back firstly because I love him. Secondly because we have two children and I still wanted the future we had planed together The problem I have is that everyday, at some point, I think to myself, it’s not going to work. It’s like I’m going through the motions of being married and being his wife, and even though I love him, I see myself walking away I can’t reconcile in my own head what the right thing for me is to do. Should I stay so everyone else is happy and one day I might be too. Or should I take the risk of leaving and having a life free from this man who what caused me incredible amounts of pain and devastation. Perhaps if people could share there stories, whether they have stayed in or left the marriage after infidelity It could help me look at my own situation in different ways Sorry, couldn't seem to read the post with all the formatting bits in it, removed them so I can read it.. I will read and then answer..
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 ok. lets just put this out there. he lied before about NC. he might lie again. my AP is still lying to her and going to MC at the same time. with that being said. i think the best option for everyone in most circumstances is to try to make things work. give it some time. go to MC. try for the children. if it doesnt work after a while then end it. in this scenario you may end up with things surprisingly working out and everyone being truly happy. and that would be the best for everyone involved. if it doesnt work out then youre in the same place. just lost a few months of your life. to me, losing a few months is a small risk to take when theres a chance of keeping my children in a happy family.
Fallen Angel Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 First let me apologize, when I opened this thread your post was full of all the text formatting information ( stuff like [ times new roman size 2331 etc) so I removed them all and reposted your text so I could read it. It seems to have resolved itself, so I am sorry for reposting it for no reason :o . As to what you should do.. I don't have the answer. None of us here do. Only YOU know the answer to that, though it seems right now to be a kind of grey area. You stated that he is willing to go to MC. Are you doing that? (maybe I missed it if you said you ARE in MC) I would suggest that you both seek IC as well as MC. He needs to work through why he did what he did, and you need to work through if you really are able to forgive him, and also if forgiving him will be what makes you happy. I understand people wanting to stay in a marriage "for the kids". But, in my opinion that is NOT the right answer. I think in the long run it is better for the children to see two emotionally healthy parents working together to co-parent them (even if they live separately) than to see two unhappy miserable people who are trying to fake it for their benefit. Kids are often smarter than we give them credit for, and they read our emotional state and body language despite our words. They KNOW when mom, dad or both are unhappy. I stayed in a miserable marriage for far too long thinking I was doing the right thing for my children. I finally decided enough was enough, and I am now divorced. My children have asked me since then, what took me so long. They have told me that they are much happier now. And my 11 yr old daughter actually told me that she never knew I had such a beautiful laugh until we moved away from my xH. She said in the nine years of her life that I stayed with him, she doesn't remember hearing me laugh. You need to decide if your marriage is worth saving. Only you know the answer to that. If you think that it is, work hard to make it the best marriage possible. If not, work hard on making your new "single life" the best life possible for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and love.
scatterd Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Im sure you are confused and insecure about your future,But It sounds like he is trying to win your trust back.It takes time to get over something like this but people do it all the time.Only with in your heart will you know if you can do this.He left and found out what he wanted was there all the time.I hope you can figure out whats best and what ever you pick you will find peace with it.You will find on this site a lot of good advice.
Recommended Posts