climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I really want to know how any man/woman would perceive this. Two years ago my boyfriend and I were in Vegas and at some Mexican restaurant. I noticed that he kept looking at a table that was behind me and when I looked over it was a table of a women. It was so obvious what he was doing but denied everything. Even telling me that he had no idea what I was talking about or who I was talking about. We had one of the biggest fights that we ever had-but still denied that he had done anything. He and I had been out many times (over 4 years) and never noticed that behavior in him. His focus was clearly at another table. I felt like sh*t. Like his attention on her was more important than my feelings. Now two years later, he says (and not making a confession, but like he was proud of it) that the girl in at the next table was winking at him. But he now says, "it's not like I was going to see her again". I don't know what is worse...him treating me so disrespectfully or him telling me that I was crazy for two years for something that my gut was telling me what was going on and I was right. Since he told me this a month ago I don't know how I can trust what he says. I have always been under the impression that you should be honest no matter what a reaction will be. No relationship can survive under dishonesty. Or am I wrong in believing this? And the crux is this---he doesn't see how he can be with me if I don't 'trust him'.
BookerT Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I don't think he was wrong for looking. Men are more visual than women, and also have poorer peripheral vision. If an attractive woman is winking at us, we literally can't help but look, it's almost instinctive. It doesn't mean he's cheating. The mistake he made was to deny it, but I guess he did that because he knew you would blow up at him if he admitted to it as well.
Author climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I don't think he was wrong for looking. Men are more visual than women, and also have poorer peripheral vision. If an attractive woman is winking at us, we literally can't help but look, it's almost instinctive. It doesn't mean he's cheating. The mistake he made was to deny it, but I guess he did that because he knew you would blow up at him if he admitted to it as well. I totally agree, but looking is one thing and staring is another. To the point of my being uncomfortable. I wouldn't blow up if he just told me. He knows and admitted that if he just told me that she winked at him that I would not be upset. The being lied to just puts up red flags if he knew I wouldn't be mad.
New Again Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I can understand why you're angry about this - I know I would be mad just over the principle of it - I was right and he kept insisting I was wrong. But I think the fact that he told you (even if it was 2 years later) is a big fat red flag that 1. Nothing happened, or would have (although it doesn't seem as though that's what your issue is) and 2. That maybe for whatever reason he needs more validation or attention from you now...maybe that's why he's letting you know that another woman was flirting with him?
Author climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I can understand why you're angry about this - I know I would be mad just over the principle of it - I was right and he kept insisting I was wrong. But I think the fact that he told you (even if it was 2 years later) is a big fat red flag that 1. Nothing happened, or would have (although it doesn't seem as though that's what your issue is) and 2. That maybe for whatever reason he needs more validation or attention from you now...maybe that's why he's letting you know that another woman was flirting with him? You bring up some good points. The thing is is that night I felt so insignificant to him. I felt like he was conveying a message that I wasn't important to him. And to hear for two years that I was making stuff up and he had no idea what I was talking about?? He finally confessed about a month ago. I was certainly mad at first, but let it go. Until last night. He made a reference to how maybe someone was 'winking' at him at the restaurant we were at. I was hurt enough by the initial situation without him making a joke. Your point #2 made me think, but I know that he knows I love him and would never cheat on him.
BookerT Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Yeah I can see why you're mad that he lied. The thing I am curious about is, why are you bringing this up now, and why have you bottled it up for 2 years? That's not really healthy, shoulda like it rip way earlier.
Author climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Yeah I can see why you're mad that he lied. The thing I am curious about is, why are you bringing this up now, and why have you bottled it up for 2 years? That's not really healthy, shoulda like it rip way earlier. This happened two years ago and he denied that he did anything or even knew who I was talking about at the restaurant. I had only my gut to tell me what was going on and he only admitted less than a month ago.
boogieboy Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 No relationship can survive under dishonesty. Or am I wrong in believing this? . Yes you are wrong, your relationship survived. he gaslighted you for 2 years and you are still with him. Even after he stared at another woman. Hopefully you wont let him gaslight you again.
Author climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Yes you are wrong, your relationship survived. he gaslighted you for 2 years and you are still with him. Even after he stared at another woman. Hopefully you wont let him gaslight you again. LOL I have to admit that you are spot on. Thank you, boogieboy. By definition gaslighting is: Gaslighting is a form of intimidation or psychological abuse in which false information is presented to the victim, making them doubt their own memory and perception. The classic example of gaslighting is to change things in a person's environment without their knowledge, and to explain that they "must be imagining things" when they challenge these changes.
Author climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I would never do that to you, climbergirl. Of course you wouldn't, Johan. You are a different breed...
2sunny Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 in situations like this... my gut never lies. there is always a firm reason why i need to question the reality of what happened... it's the evidence of the way a situation plays out that gets me wondering - then it's the persons reaction that confirms it. what was his specific reaction at the time? did he: deny blame you; blame the other gals change the subject try to distract you to think or do something else (to get away from the subject) change the environment bring up other issues tell you of future plans (to distract again - and to tempt you) a buy off... tell you that he doesn't get the attention he needs/wants (blame you) what was his body language telling you when you have discussed this in the past? does he show entitlement or narcissistic tendencies at others times?
Author climbergirl Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 in situations like this... my gut never lies. there is always a firm reason why i need to question the reality of what happened... it's the evidence of the way a situation plays out that gets me wondering - then it's the persons reaction that confirms it. what was his specific reaction at the time? did he: deny blame you; blame the other gals change the subject try to distract you to think or do something else (to get away from the subject) change the environment bring up other issues tell you of future plans (to distract again - and to tempt you) a buy off... tell you that he doesn't get the attention he needs/wants (blame you) what was his body language telling you when you have discussed this in the past? does he show entitlement or narcissistic tendencies at others times? bring up other issues. Deny and say that I was (at the time) imagining everything. I went to sleep with an ice pack to my jaw. He didn't try to hurt me, but he did try to contain me from leaving the room. And that was the consequence.
2sunny Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 if it were me - i'd end it. but that's just me speaking from my own experience and the fact that he allowed you to sit on ill feelings between the two of you for such a long time. he could have redeemed himself long ago - and repaired the relationship long ago - but he allowed you to sit knowing that you were suffering for all that time. this speaks volumes to me. i would never want that for myself.
Nemoralis Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Are you people nuts? This is such a ridiculous argument. You are thinking of ending a very long, otherwise good relationship because he looked at another girl in a restaurant 2 years ago? I know you are going to say that you are not mad that he looked, but mad that he lied. But if I were him, I'd have lied too if I had a girlfriend as uptight as that! Jeez. And the length of the lie is irrelevant. If I were to put my boyfriend and I in your shoes back then, the conversation would have gone something like this: Me: "You staring at the blonde on the left?" Him: "Yep. Think she's hot?" Me: "Yep" And we'd have continued on with our dinner. People need to chill the f*ck out. Choose your battles.
johan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 He's a bastard, climbergirl. You deserve much better.
Citizen Erased Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 He's a bastard for looking at a girl that was winking at him? Okay then...
marlena Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I wouldn't make a big issue out of this at all. Unless, of course, he is a serial offender. Now, that's a different story altogether. Everyone likes a little validation sometimes. Not worth ruining your relationship over if it is overall a good one.
marlena Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 He's a bastard for looking at a girl that was winking at him? Okay then... This is why relationships don't last anymore. Everyone is so quick to find fault with his/her partner and just ruin an otherwise viable relationship. No tolerance or patience whatsoever.
carhill Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Ice on the jaw is a bit more serious than staring at a winking female, methinks....
Citizen Erased Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 This is why relationships don't last anymore. Everyone is so quick to find fault with his/her partner and just ruin an otherwise viable relationship. No tolerance or patience whatsoever. I agree marlena. Really, something like this shouldn't even be remembered two years on.
marlena Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Really, something like this shouldn't even be remembered two years on. Exactly. Much ado about nothing! She's tearing her heart into pieces for no good reason.
2sunny Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I agree marlena. Really, something like this shouldn't even be remembered two years on. i disagree - it's not necessarily what happened at the table, that was beside the point. what he did with that situation to make her feel this way for TWO YEARS is what i find unforgivable. THAT is why she still remembers it.
Turista Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 End it... Should have ended 2 years ago when he lied to you... If a woman winked at me like that, I'd tell my partner what was going on and dare her to turn around and wink right back at her... Then maybe give her the finger for trying to start something with someone obviously on a date. And yes people are commitment-phobic... I'm dealing with that myself, but the flip side is people who ignore problems like a lying sack of doodoo who gets physical with you. And this guy sounds like a bunghole and this incident is probably just the tip of the iceberg if you dig... So were the subsequent 2 years good enough to ignore the fact you're with a guy who lies to you?
GroupFitness Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Are you people nuts? This is such a ridiculous argument. You are thinking of ending a very long, otherwise good relationship because he looked at another girl in a restaurant 2 years ago? I know you are going to say that you are not mad that he looked, but mad that he lied. But if I were him, I'd have lied too if I had a girlfriend as uptight as that! Jeez. And the length of the lie is irrelevant. If I were to put my boyfriend and I in your shoes back then, the conversation would have gone something like this: Me: "You staring at the blonde on the left?" Him: "Yep. Think she's hot?" Me: "Yep" And we'd have continued on with our dinner. People need to chill the f*ck out. Choose your battles. Wow!, I totally agree with you. This thread is ridiculous. OP, are you sure there is not more to this than you are letting on? Is there a history of disrespect in your relationship or was it just this one incident?
Recommended Posts