ianwallis Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 basically i met my ex when i was 14 and she was 11 and we were really good friends up until we were 17 and 14 respectively, then we got together. At the time we got together i was in some trouble with the law, and she chose to stick by me which was a brave choice under the circumstances as i knew the sentence would be custodial. we were young and her parents didnt approve of me, so we were together in secret or a few months and we became close. we were soulmates and we were so happy. everyone said we'd be together forever and eventually with the help of her aunt we told her parents and got their blessing. everything was perfect except for the court case hanging over me but we were strong and thought we'd get through it. It was me and her against the world and we were unbreakable. She was everything to me but at the time i didnt know it, i was young, immature and thought i was big and clever because i was a bit of a lad. We were together for a year and a half before i went to jail and for the time i was in there she stood by me and stayed faithful. She was my rock and if it wasnt for the fact that i knew she was waiting for me then i wouldnt have made it. She wrote me every day, and on visits we talked about starting a family. we even had baby names! When i got out i had changed, even though i had tried my best not to. i had developed a drug problem inside and my temper became volatile. when i couldnt score any gear id drink heavily and start arguments for no reason. After a total of 3 years together we split up because of the way i was behaving. i had become a useless, violent drunk/druggie. i would have left me if i was her. after the break up she got a bit nasty and sent me pics of her kissing other guys and of guys in her bed. but i dont blame her. the main reason we split is because I did the most despicable thing iv ever done - i hit her. I know that makes me the scum of the earth and i make no excuses, i deserve everything i get. the one thing i dont deserve is sympathy. Its been over a year since we split up and i still miss her. i think about her every day, and every day i end up in tears at the mess i made of our relationship. i drink every day, mostly to the point of passing out. i use drugs every day and since we split up iv tried to kill myself three times, once on my mums birthday. no-one knows its because of her, ever true to form i decided to pretend i was over her like the egotistical prick i am. i cant face life without her because she was the one. i just tell people im 'a bit low' or the usual crap people say. thing is she was the love of my life. i would do anything just to speak to her again, just to know how she is but obviously she blocked all contact at the end. i often wonder if she ever thinks of me but i doubt it, not after the things i said and did. shes got a new boyfriend now and seeing pics of them of networking sites breaks my heart yet i look at them almost daily. i say i cant live without her but couldnt live with her. i dont want her back - she deserves so much better than me. shes a lovely person and i just want her to be happy, even if that isn't with me. i just wish i could tell her how sorry i am for all the hurt i caused her. She put up with all the **** i threw her way, the arrests, the courts, the jail, the drinking, the drugs... but i threw it back in her face. I treated her terribly and i deserve to be unhappy. The reason im writing this is as follows: if i can stop just one young man from messing up his life then my pain is worth it. If you're young and think your a hard man, chances are you're probably not. I thought i was and my 'what u lookin at?' attitude got me nowwhere but in trouble and in deep depression. Dont throw away something as perfect as a first love for something as silly as ur own ego or stupid male pride or you'll end up like me. sad, alone and worthless.
Olylama Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 dude u sound like you have it worked out. An old man in london used to say to me - "It's a good life if you dont weaken" Sounds like you have it in you to be powerful just dont be a twat. Pull your self together stop doing drugs and boose. drugs zap your motivation. Join into society there are pleasures to be had in the system. Your first love is just that your first, there will be others. Good luck.
Author ianwallis Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 mate if only it was that easy to give up your demons. thanks for your support though mate, appreciate it. all the best
Thebob Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 Man you know what you did wrong, as long as you learned from your mistakes, then your future looks brighter. Stay strong my man. Thebob
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 29, 2009 Posted October 29, 2009 You have made mistakes in your life.....WE ALL HAVE. Some have made less mistakes, and some have made more. You are a human being that ****ed up. Well I got good news for you my friend. You have control over your future happiness. No one else does, not even your ex. You need to get clean and sober. Just do it, don't **** around...DO IT! Walk your ass into a NA meeting or whatever gov't program is avail...hospital, whatever. Once you begin to sober up, your life and viewpoint will become one of hope. You will get better, you will recover, and your life will be greater than you could have imagined. When I was in my early 20's, I lost the love of my life due to my drinking. She was a NYC girl, beautiful, intellegent, warm, funny, and wealthy. We dated for 3 years. I got drunk one nite and hit her....then I drove across her lawn, then I broke into her house. Well, that was it. Her family forbade me to go near her again. It was over. I thought my life was over. I drank more and sulked. I drank for another 15 years. Lost my license for a total of 17 years thus far. I am 45 now. I have been sober for 10 years. I did it through AA. My life has changed in so many ways. The only time I think about my ex is when I realize how much I idealized what it was. We were never destined to be anyway. If that nite never happened, we never would have made it ... this I am sure of. I can promise you that your life will go in a bad direction if you don't stop it now. Do it now ....you have a chance for a great life!
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