sdoyle537 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 (edited) Dear Forum Members, Please help. I am in this fantastic relationship with a man that I have fallen deeply in love with. I’ve never felt this way about a man before, and I have thought I loved many times before. We’ve only been together for almost 4 months, known each other for about 9, but it feels so right to be with him. I feel like we’ve been together for longer because time is nothing more than a rotation of the earth with him. It’s meaningless, and I love it. We have a big age difference, 11 years, but just like the time of day, the years don’t seem to mean a thing. There are little differences we notice, but they’re mostly entertaining, never frustrating. I get along with his friends, and he could easily be all the friend I needed (though I know that’s not healthy, I have other friends). I can foresee a future with this man. I’ve never felt more sure about myself until I was with him. But, there’s a but to my story. His last relationship, I’m not quite sure how long ago, was 2 and a half years long. One time, I found a journal by accident (it was among the business plans I was browsing through), that was the “I love Katie” journal. I know she meant a lot to him. I don’t know why they broke up, but they did. I don’t know when they broken up, but I know that it didn’t make the next fact any easier for him. Katie had killed herself. I don’t know what, but I feel like it wasn’t terribly that long ago. Maybe a few years, I have no idea. I know that her mom called him when his dad passed away recently and that it was really hard to talk to her. He still has her files on his computer. Something strange happened near the beginning of the relationship. He had 2 cats, one was his from very long ago, and the other one was the “only living reminder of [Katie].” Solar, his cat, is strangely accepting of me and she never accepted another woman. Kes, Katie’s old cat, was hit by a car and killed shortly after he told me about his orgins. I didn’t want to think anything of it, but it felt like a sick, strange sign to me. I have a very very strong feeling he still loves her. I’ve wanted to tell him that I love him, but I worry that the feelings won’t be returned. Not because he isn’t incredibly happy with me, not that he couldn’t love me, but that he won’t love me. I know that he won’t say anything about the subject until I bring it up first. He’s like that, he’s very much “you can do whatever you like to” and he wouldn’t want to push me into saying it back. It’s getting harder and harder not to say it. It almost slips out a lot now. What was just a whisper of “I think I love you,” in my head turned into a solid declaration of “I know I love you like I’ve never loved before” and is become a shouting maniac, screaming to get out. I can’t say it though. I feel as though I will always be second best because I know how he feels to wonder what could have happened if a turn of events didn’t occur. Will he always be wondering, “Could I have been happier?” I don’t know how long I should hold in my feelings for him. I don’t want to scare him away if he isn’t ready to confront those feelings again. I’m afraid that he will forever be thinking of her when it comes to that subject and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to alienate him and push him away by confronting him about his feelings for Katie, but I don’t always want to be second best. I feel like I’m doing him an unjustice by not telling him how I feel, but the only time I doubt how I feel is when I remind myself that I’m not #1 in his heart like he is in mine. Please help. Edited October 19, 2009 by sdoyle537
Author sdoyle537 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I know this is long but I really didn't know where else to turn.
boldjack Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 sDoyle, this type of thing happens to many people who date widows, or widowers. They (widows/widowers)sometimes feel that they are being unfaithful to the memory of the Dead SO, if they become too close to their new partner. A lot depends on how long the grieving process takes. This is going to vary from person to person. All you can do , for now is to be there for him, be patient, show him your love, more than tell him, and he will come around, when he has finished grieving. It's tough, but if you are really committed to him, it will be worth it in the future. Then you will be first, and she will be a memory.
Author sdoyle537 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Hmmm, I hadn't thought about it like that before, about the widower part. Thank you for your advice! But, should I tell him that I love him, or would that be too much?
boogieboy Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Dont tell him you love him. Show him with actions. When he is ready, he will tell you first. You have to wait for him to be enamored with YOU first. You run the risk of pushing him away if you say it before he does, so you'll just have to be patient and wait. Its only been 4 months, you might have to wait another year, but just enjoy your company in the meantime. He will come around and declare love for you eventually, and since time goes by quickly with you two, months wont be that long. Just be patient.
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