traderho Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 My girlfriend recently friended a guy who was one of her ex-boyfriends best friends. She only has like 15 friends on facebook so she is very selective about who she friends. Its been a week since this happened and she has not told me about it. She knows I go on facebook occasionally so she would have to know I would eventually see that they are friends. Why would she not say something to me about it? Is this shady or am I being paranoid and or controlling? There have been a few other things that have caught my radar so maybe I am reacting a little over the top in being upset and need outside opinions.
phineas Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It depends, what are the other things you've noticed. Friending someone on facebook doesn't mean cheating. Though admitedly it meant that in my wife's case. Her facebook was also private & I didn't know she even had one so it isn't the same. but don't just assume the worst unless there are other contributing factors.
JustLooking123 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Based on the info presented, I'd say relax. She friended her ex's friend, not her ex. Most people don't report back to their s.o. every time they friend someone on facebook. However, since you mention that other things have been concerning, I wonder what those things are.
D-Lish Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It doesn't sound shady on its own. It depends on what the other things are that have you somewhat concerned. If you do tend to have a controlling/jealous side- it's possible your gf doesn't feel comfortable being 100% open with you about everything for fear that you might draw irrational conclusions. It might help if you provide more details about the other things that you are concerned about.
New Again Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 You can obviously see who your gf is "friends" with on facebook - it's not a secret she's hiding from you. Why the hell would she ever say to you "Oh fyi, btw, today I friended my ex's bff on fb." Are you serious? That's like her having to report to you every single time she says "hello" to someone during her entire day.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 My girlfriend recently friended a guy who was one of her ex-boyfriends best friends. She only has like 15 friends on facebook so she is very selective about who she friends. Its been a week since this happened and she has not told me about it. She knows I go on facebook occasionally so she would have to know I would eventually see that they are friends. Why would she not say something to me about it? Is this shady or am I being paranoid and or controlling? no, its shady. she isn't telling you she friended him for a reason There have been a few other things that have caught my radar. such as?? if this girl has too many red flags....then trust your gut that she may not be trustworthy.
imagine Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 I back Dexter. Are you two genuinely an item?
Author traderho Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Thanks for the replies. I guess the only other thing that really caught my radar was one time she received a text from a guy at 1:00 in the morning asking if she was around. We were in bed and the first thing she said was that she should have put the phone on vibrate. She claims they are just friends and that he is just very needy and likes to hang out after work (he is a bartender). Of course that was a huge issue for me and it has always stuck in the back of my mind. There have been a few more texts from this guy, all late at nite that she has told me about and claimed she never responded to. I do have an update on the facebook friend, he was brought up by her during a conversation and I asked if she had contacted him. She said no but I already knew she did because I have her password on facebook. I felt terribly guilty checking her facebook account but I am glad I did. The email was innocent enough her just saying it was good to hear from him, etc. Her lying about this caused a huge fight and I told her if it was completely innocent then why would she lie. She said that she thought I would be upset and it was just to avoid an arguement. In her defense I had become more possesive or jealous (due to the 1:00 am text "friend"). We ended up making up and I believe her but was interested to hear other opinions.
Bryanp Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I think you have a real problem in that she has no problem lying to you. How in the world can you believe anything she says if she feels justified in lying to you to avoid an arguement? How will you ever know she is telling you the truth in the future. By the way, how would she feel if you were always getting texts at 1am from a female bartender and you told her she is just needy?
squidattack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 It sounds like you have some jealousy/trust issues. It seems like you don't want her talking to any guys at all, ever. People randomly add other people on Facebook all the time, doesn't mean she wants this guy. You gotta relax or you're going to push her away.
Author traderho Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 You are right Squid and its something I am working on.
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You are right Squid and its something I am working on. I would agree you are a bit needy and possessive. However, I have issues with the guy texting her at 1 a.m. It COULD be totally innocent -- I had a college friend who lived in a different time zone who used to text me stupid stuff from bars at 3 am, and we were never intimate or anything. But once I was in a serious relationship he recognized that that kinda stuff could affect my relationship, so he stopped. Are you guys definitely exclusive? Or just dating? She may not be trustworthy because of the lying, but you are not much better if you are sneaking into her Facebook account and spying on her.
Author traderho Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 We have been dating for close to a year, see each other every nite and had the exclusivity talk about 10 months ago. We have talked about moving in, kids, marriage the whole nine yards so this is not just a casual dating relationship. She claims that she has never responded to this guy its been several months since the 1:00 am text incident. He did send another one after that which she showed me (it happened on a nite I was not over). According to her this guy was a friend of her best friend and had a huge crush on her best friend so they would all go out together occasionally. Her best friend moved out of state and this guy texts to see how she is doing. She did tell me months ago that she thinks this guy has a crush on her. It all sounded very strange to me and that is what initially caused my trust issues with her.
stace79 Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 We have been dating for close to a year, see each other every nite and had the exclusivity talk about 10 months ago. We have talked about moving in, kids, marriage the whole nine yards so this is not just a casual dating relationship. She claims that she has never responded to this guy its been several months since the 1:00 am text incident. He did send another one after that which she showed me (it happened on a nite I was not over). According to her this guy was a friend of her best friend and had a huge crush on her best friend so they would all go out together occasionally. Her best friend moved out of state and this guy texts to see how she is doing. She did tell me months ago that she thinks this guy has a crush on her. It all sounded very strange to me and that is what initially caused my trust issues with her. Well it seems like if you have talked about marrying that you should work on better trust and communication, on both sides. Facebook is hard -- it causes issues in everyone's relationships I know, including my own. Does she ever see the guy in person? If not, it would be easier for me to swallow. Maybe you should just have dinner together at home and seriously discuss this, trying not to be accusatory, and just see what she suggests.
Author traderho Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 (edited) She says she has not seen the facebook guy for a few years in person. I think we have discussed it enough at this point and its just a matter of me accepting her answers as the truth or breaking up. I chose to accept her answers as the truth and work on trusting her completely going forward. She promised to be completely honest and open with me. However if anything like this comes up again (without me snooping) I will know I made a mistake. Edited October 28, 2009 by traderho Mistake
Malenfant Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The OP just needs to be careful his paranoia doesnt feed this situation. If your GF is fearfull that you are going to go mental over something totally trivial innocent, she's more than likely not going to tell you. Thats not being shady, thats out of fear of how you will react. Thats the problem with paranoia, it feeds itself because it makes other people feel that they cant do (totally normal innocent) things openly for fear of the grief, so ultimately when you find out it makes you even more paranoid etc. Not saying this is or isnt what is happening but a possibility. Just a warning.
New Again Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 The OP just needs to be careful his paranoia doesnt feed this situation. If your GF is fearfull that you are going to go mental over something totally trivial innocent, she's more than likely not going to tell you. Thats not being shady, thats out of fear of how you will react. Thats the problem with paranoia, it feeds itself because it makes other people feel that they cant do (totally normal innocent) things openly for fear of the grief, so ultimately when you find out it makes you even more paranoid etc. Not saying this is or isnt what is happening but a possibility. Just a warning. x2 This is pretty much my reaction to this thread as well. Only other thought is that OP's gf should tell her bartender friend not to text her so late. My bf sometimes gets late night texts, from guys though....I never ask who texted him at 1 or 3am or whenever, but he always tells me, either at the time or the next day. Sometimes, when he tells me the next day, I feel like he's waiting to see if I ask him....but I trust him.
ADF Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 You're being paranoid and controlling. This guy is a friend of an ex-boyfriend of hers? Big deal. Get a grip. She is not obligated to tell you about every fleeting contact she makes with every guy on earth. Keep this up and I promise you she'll run from you.
Author traderho Posted October 28, 2009 Author Posted October 28, 2009 I realize that certain behaviour can change how people interact and that I could be the reason for her not saying anything. I think the consensus is I was the paranoid/controlling one and I knew that I could be in the wrong which is why I posed the question to begin with.
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