girlygo Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]For the best part of 2 years, I have been seeing my boyfriend most weekends, as he lives 60 miles away. To give you a bit of background: We had been living together previously in the same town for about a year and a half in what was a very intense relationship. He was, at the time, taking speed (amphetamines) but I thought he was so gregarious, funny and deeply in love with me that I guess I ignored the slightly jealous streak, the occasional ‘mind games’ and silly lies. The break up was pretty bad – I suspected him of cheating on me with a woman around the corner from us, which he vehemently denied even though all the signs were there, including her answering his phone at 12.30am when I rang to find out why he was still out so late. I left, went home to live with my parents and to start a new life but he insisted on harassing me and accusing me of having a new boyfriend, even though I didn’t. He also sent me abusive messages, hate mail to my parents’ address and turned up at my house which he knew would upset me as I had kept him a secret from my family. They would have been devastated to know that I was going out with someone who you could say was from the ‘wrong side of the tracks’. I had also fallen pregnant by him and decided to have an abortion as it wasn’t the right environment or relationship to bring up a child and I wasn’t ready. Even then he didn’t believe that I was, and accused me of lying to gain attention and even using a ‘pretend abortion’ as an excuse to getting money out of him, which hurt me so much that he could even think that I would do such a thing. However, all of his friends in his home town all sided with him as somehow he had managed to manipulate them all into thinking that I had ruined his life, made him depressed and that he was the victim.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Fast forward a year and a half. He had been emailing me occasionally and I never replied but one day I decided to. We started seeing each other again, after a long break and me believing that I had got over him and we could just be friends. I was stupid to think that we could, but even after everything that had happened, I truly believed that he was sorry for what he had done, the hurt he had caused, particularly as he had broken down and cried which I had never really seen him do before. He had (and still is) on antidepressants and olanzapine, from the previous drug taking and subsequent mental breakdown that he had suffered when we were together so in some ways, I felt that his condition was to blame for his behaviour, although some of you reading this might think differently?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Anyway, for the last 2 years since we started seeing each other at weekends, my boyfriend had constantly stressed his desire to live with me again, even though I didn’t want to go down that road. Our friends and family on both sides have not known what we have been doing – for me it is the shame of people finding out that I have let him back in and for him, it is probably the embarrassment of his friends or family finding out that he is still seeing me after everything he had said about me. So we have seen each other secretly. I have visited him at home (he rents) although nobody he knows (apart from his sisters) knows where he lives so they can’t visit him and I guess discover me. He keeps talking about us getting somewhere to live together but I really don’t understand why? He can’t live in his home town with me for obvious reasons and I can’t live in my home town with him for the same reasons. He never comes up to visit me or meet me halfway. I always drive to see and stay with him and when I do, he never wants to go out but says that he has ebay business to do on his computer, even though when I ring him in the week he always seems to be in the car, or at a friends house. When I have objected and complained that we never go anywhere or do anything together he gets angry. What was once a person who wanted to be with me all the time and talk to me has now become distant, critical and argumentative. This has been happening over the last few months and I suspected he has been seeing another woman. Times I have phoned, he is again at ‘a friends’ at night, or can’t speak for more than 30 seconds or is driving even though it’s clear that he isn’t. The strangest behaviour has started when I was off for a week and came to stay with him in the week. He had said that I could stay as long as I wanted yet after 2 days of me being there became agitated when he was going out to do stuff and didn’t want me to come. He even locked me in the house because his opinion was that I would go off to the shop whilst he was out and leave the flat unattended to be burgled, yet I couldn’t understand why he just couldn’t lend me the key? The real reason is he is worried that I will try to follow him because a 5 minute trip to the shop next door always turns into half an hour or an hour and a tyrade of abuse if I ask him why he was so long and what he was doing on his return. I could have gone out the front door (it’s a yale lock) but it would have meant I would be leaving his inner door unlocked which I obviously wouldn’t do and leave the flat unsecure.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Today, I went up to see him again (he keeps saying we need to get somewhere to live as he can’t stand his flatmates), but he was angry that I had just, as he put it, ‘sneaked up’ on him because I don’t trust him (the fact is, I don’t as he is acting weird). Then got angry and said he had to go out as he had so much to do. I reminded him that he had said to come up when I wanted and I was welcome to stay, but he angrily shouted, ‘what can you do here? I have things to do and I don’t want you following me around. You can either stay in the house or go home’. When I told him that it was ok, I’d go to the internet cafe he wanted to know for how long and what I intended to do next. He also said that if I saw anyone he knew that I wasn’t to dare tell them that I had seen him or tell them where he lived.[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I’m so confused. On the one hand he professes his undying love for me – even when I have ignored him for a week and said I have had enough of him he says how much he misses me and wants to be with me and accuses me of seeing someone else when I haven’t. When I have mentioned that I need to rent with someone and move out of my parents as I need my independence again (I’m 32 now, he’s 48) he tells me to wait and we should get a place together, that it’s not bad. On the other hand, when I do take my time to travel over 50 miles to see him, he is distant moody and critical, even worse when I see him outside of the weekend. Yet to everyone else he is the perfect friend, going out of his way to do favours for other people and being this friendly, warm person. He even accuses me of ruining his weekend or expecting him to ‘entertain’ me, which is untrue. I just expect some respect and acknowledgement for being there, is that too much to ask? I don’t feel as though I can ring him as when I do he says that I’m ringing too much, but when I don’t, he doesn’t call for days, preferring to just text occasionally which I don’t think forms a good basis for communication in a relationship. I feel as though I am making all the effort and that he says one thing but does something else. I am in a complete some state of limbo, not knowing where I stand and not being able to move on with my life. [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Can anyone please shed light on what the hell is going on with this guy? [/FONT][/sIZE]
Flavour Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 He looks like an emotional abuser. All the red flags are there. He has cheated in the past, is cheating now and will cheat in the future. And if your family and friends don't want you to be with him, usually this is a HUGE red flag. Hold your head high and NO CONTACT with him anymore. He clearly has mental issues.....if he will explode, you will repent of not having going away when you had time. He can offer you nothing but more emotional abuse. IMHO.
TMichaels Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 (edited) Can anyone please shed light on what the hell is going on with this guy? Mental illness or substance abuse or both. His behavior is way too paranoid, erratic, delusional and irrational, otherwise. The real question is, WHAT ARE YOU DOING wasting your time with this guy? You're not "young and stupid" and neither is he. He may not have his head screwed on straight, but your's should be. My advice is to take a page out of his own book, move, change your phone number, email address, etc. and DON'T tell him what happened to you, and instruct your friends and family to do likewise. It's about time they knew the truth about this guy, and more than about time that you faced up to the fact he's *not* a Prince Charming who's just temporarily misplaced his crown, by any means. Sorry to be blunt, but this guy is bad news, he has been from the get-go, and you, girly, should get as far away from him as you can and never look back. Best, TMichaels Edited October 19, 2009 by TMichaels
Angel1111 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You don't need to waste your time worrying about why people do anything. If someone is in your life who runs hot and cold, you need to make an exit. Stop letting someone treat you this way. You're not doing yourself any favors by staying with someone who makes you feel jerked around and abused. If you're not around to put up with it anymore, he can't do it to you anymore.
Author girlygo Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 I know I need to break all contact. I haven't replied to his texts yesterday evening and today - now they have stopped so I am hoping that that will be the end. Should I have told him it was over? The last thing he said to me was 'f**k off you tw*t' before hanging up on me yesterday and I decided that I couldn't respond or speak to him again after that. Hence no contact since...but I dread looking at the phone and I even have it switched off now because I don't want to be confronted with anymore texts....
TMichaels Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I know I need to break all contact. I haven't replied to his texts yesterday evening and today - now they have stopped so I am hoping that that will be the end. Should I have told him it was over? The last thing he said to me was 'f**k off you tw*t' before hanging up on me yesterday and I decided that I couldn't respond or speak to him again after that. Hence no contact since...but I dread looking at the phone and I even have it switched off now because I don't want to be confronted with anymore texts.... You have to be kidding, girlygo! Well, indeed you are -- you're kidding yourself. The only reason why you are even questioning whether you should have told him it was over is that *you don't want it to be* and you just can't take your hand away from the fire. For god's sake, girl. Get a grip! Read what you wrote in the thread about what he has done, how he acts, and how he treats you. The guy has BIG problems and it's *not* your job to fix them. Can you not see *no one* including you -- deserves to be treated this way? Leave the guy alone and get on with your life -- without him in it. I really think it would help you to seek some counseling to get at the root of why you are so obsessed with continuing such a destructive relationship. The extra support would help you enormously. Do it. TMichaels
Author girlygo Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Sorry, I didn't make myself very clear. When I said, 'Should I have told him it was over?' , I meant should I have rang him or texted him to tell him rather than ignore his calls and texts which someone has told me is the immature and unfair way of closing the relationship. I don't feel like I owe him any explanation as when I have tried to tell him why I wasn't happy in the past, he didn't really listen or would agree then still do the same thing.
TMichaels Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Sorry, I didn't make myself very clear. When I said, 'Should I have told him it was over?' , I meant should I have rang him or texted him to tell him rather than ignore his calls and texts... Perhaps I didn't make myself clear earlier, but I doubt it. You just seem hell-bent on continuing this relationship no matter what. The answer is: NO. You don't owe this guy a thing. The fact you're worried whether you come off as "immature" or "unfair" is ridiculous given what's gone on. And, I stand by my earlier comment. No matter what you say, you *still do* want this relationship to work out, or else you'd be walking away giving nary a thought to what he thinks. Stop making excuses girlygo, "grow up" and cop on. TMichaels
Author girlygo Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 No, I don't want the relationship to work out as this is no relationship. I'm not hellbent on continuing the relationship, what I really want is to get over it, rebuild my self-esteem and go back to being the confident, happy person I used to be up until 2 years ago. That's the hardest part now. Although there is still part of me that keeps wanting to know why and find a reason for it all so you're right, I do need help but it's not a case of 'growing up'. Believe it or not I was a very confident person who would have laughed if someone had told me years ago that this was the situation I would get myself into. I just feel a shadow of myself and completely depressed. I am seeking help but it has involved being referred by my doctor onto a waiting list to see a psychologist/cognitive behavioural therapist. I've been waiting since February and I still have another 4 months as I've been told it's a year long waiting list.....
TMichaels Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 I am seeking help but it has involved being referred by my doctor onto a waiting list to see a psychologist/cognitive behavioural therapist. I've been waiting since February and I still have another 4 months as I've been told it's a year long waiting list..... girlygo, Glad to hear you are seeking help. Sorry to hear that you have to wait so long. Do you work? Have you checked with your HR office to see if they have any sort of Employee Assistance Program? Many employers do and "services" often include psychological counseling and the reason doesn't have to be work-related. You might want to check into that, if you haven't already. Plus, check into any low-cost counseling services that may be available in your area -- either through a government-funded program or an NGO. In your case, you may be able to get assistance through a local Women's Center. Many of them have counseling programs or at least support groups. Getting assistance that way may help you bridge the gap until your doctor's referral comes through. The point is, if you're that depressed you need help now, not later. Check into the options above and see whether any/all may be available to you. In the meantime, stay away from this guy. No contact is key to getting over him and regaining your self-esteem. Best, TMichaels
Angel1111 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I can make this simple for you and you don't need any help. Just make a promise to yourself that you will never, ever again tolerate a man talking to you in such a way. Change your expectations about people and you'll stop inviting these types of men into your life. TMichaels was correct in saying that you don't owe this guy anything. He sealed his fate when he told you to 'f--k off' and called you a name. That was the end of the line and now he knows it. Do not ever underestimate the power of silence. He does what a lot of guys do who are abusive - they ignore the obvious so that they can harass you. He's pretending to not know what he did to deserve being treated this way so that you will feel compelled to respond to him. Stay right where you are and let him figure it out. You're not his mother. He'll eventually move on and find someone new to abuse.
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