honeypear Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Right off the bat I am the one who screwed up. I was not honest about my age with my boyfriend he assumed that we were both 28 and I never told him I was 37. He made it clear when we 1st met he was only interested in someone his age. We started off as friends overcame our trust issues and walls we put up. Found we loved each other, then he asked me to marry him. I said YES! we started planning our lives together. I was about to move to England to be with him. A couple of weeks ago after being engaged for 4 months I told him the truth about my age. He broke it off with me the next day. His friends and family have told him he made the right choice. They have also told him that they dont want to hear my name or anything to do with me. He tells me its over that I have destroyed his faith in women and will never forgive me. ***This is where I am confused. He still talks to me on Skype everyday, we have not texted each other. He does not call me by my pet name, or blow me kisses anymore. We have polite conversations on Skype, he wont talk to me on the phone. Yet he wants to be friends with benefits now. We have our sex chats online again and are planning to get together in January for 2 weeks. We talk about my move to England and its no longer our home its mine and tells me just think he will be 20 mins away for a booty call.***I am beyond confused as what to do I dont know whether just to let things keep going and hope we find our way back to each other again. And I dont want to piss him off by asking for a decision. What do I do I cant stand the thought of losing my best friend and the only person who gets me.
Ronni_W Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Yikes!!! That craps out for both of you...probably more for him, though, yeah? I have no idea if he'll ever again see you as 'loving, trusted wife' material. But if you don't give him the chance to find out -- WITHOUT you in his life in any way, shape or form -- then he is never gonna know, either. IMO, your one and only chance for a reconciliation -- and it is a SLIM-to-ZERO one, at that -- is to go total, strict, non-negotiable 'no contact' for...I dunno...at least, minimally, no less than 3 months. Yeah, it's a random number. 6 months, 12 months. The longer the better, IMO. If you allow yourself to just be available for whenever, whatever and however he needs, then you're just gonna lose him AGAIN and for keeps...when he announces that he's met the woman he intends to marry. Hate to say it, though, but my guess is that you've already lost him for keeps, anyway. Question really is: are you okay with being his booty call and chat sex broad until he doesn't want or need you anymore? Sorry that you're hurting. And sorry for him, too.
carhill Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I smell more cod in this sea than a Gloucester fisherman. Though I think his response is completely out of proportion to your 'lie', you did learn something important here. Hope you retain it for future use. I'll give you an example.... say I'm a young man looking for a wife to rear a family with. I have certain pre-conceived notions about that dynamic and the type and age of a woman I wish to do that with. Enter you. I am a bit confused though...Skype is phone. I talk on it all the time. They do have a message feature but ICQ/Yahoo/MSN work great for IM. Personally, I wouldn't be having 'sex chats' with someone who said ' He tells me its over that I have destroyed his faith in women and will never forgive me'. That's non-sensical. IMO, he gets a silence sandwich after you've apologized (if you haven't already) for your lie and hurting his feelings. Take this time to reflect upon yourself and your path
Author honeypear Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I have apologized..He never wanted to ever be involved with anyone on a serious basis. Being with me convinced him he wanted a different life and someone in it. I was his first love and mine as it turns out. I guess I should just admit that I have lost him and he is the one who initiates conversations. So confused.
Odyssey Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 You: FWB + emotional attachment = nothing promising Him: Lie + over-kill reaction = other issues? So i don't think it's a good idea right now, sounded like you have doubts too. In my 20s, i was in a FWB and had feelings for her...in fact...(like you are thinking now) i was using the FWB with the hope that in time, her feeling would change. I was totally wrong and ended more hurt. It killed our friendship too. I'm not saying that people shouldn't have a FWB just because i was burnt by it. Yes it works if both people go in with the same goal. I didn't. And your not either. What i think you might be doing is, settling. You're settling for anything that will get you closer to him, right? I'm guessing he might have a different motive to you. I don't know. What's with the sex-chat over Skype anyways?!? Seem inappropriate to me. Now he wants sex. Hmmm. I'm not gonna make you out to be a villain because judging from your posts, you're feeling guilty enough without some stranger bringing it up. I'm sure you've learned that it takes a long time to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it! And guess what, while it's extremely difficult, it can take years to re-gain his trust again, but it's possible. I remember my 1st gf lied to me about her virginity after 2 years in our relationship and after that she also came out about all the other little lies too. She totally blew my trust! But i didn't break up with her 'cause we were young and we all make mistakes (regrettably in the end, i did too). I wanted to help her work through her issues. She would tell me everything, pro-actively show me messages on her phone, let me know her phone password, even show me receipts... i mean she didn't need to do those things. Shown a lot of effort. But the more open she was, the trust slowly came back after about 2 years. I'm sure you would go through hell to reclaim his trust. But it's not up to you right now. He has to be the one to want to give you a shot. He needs to initiate!
Author honeypear Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I am just curious. Why does he intiate the sex chats? Always asking me how my day was and asking me what I am doing after we sign off from chatting. Wants to know who I am spending my time with? Our chats have been the way they used to be in the beginning when we were both starting to be friends. Oh btw he lives in England I live in Canada. So we use Skype to talk to each other whether its IM or talking to each other. For someone who does not want me anymore why does he care who I spend my time with.
carhill Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 He's a typical young guy. IME, men tend to cover up their true feelings with other stuff, so he could be hurting and covering it up with blatant sexuality. How much real, in-person time have you and he spent together?
Author honeypear Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Not much he was supposed to come out here for a couple of weeks end of november..He called that off right away. I cancelled my trip out there when he broke it off a couple of weeks ago. I am going in January and we are going to spend those 2 weeks together. We are going to be staying not far away from where he lives cos he needs to work a couple days during that time. He never mentioned it but I asked him not to let his family or friends know. I just want to spend time with him without the hanging party close by trying to hang me and prevent him from visiting. He has major trust issues we had the same one's. He mentioned that what hurt him the most was tht we both had this problem and didnt trust him. Yet he mentioned in his ranting after we just broke up he would have never let things get this far had he known. I know him if I were there now we would be stuck to each other like glue, we often joke about how spooky it is that we're so connected. I think right now he likes being in control of the situation. I am the only person he has on Skype and he is online everyday.
Author honeypear Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I have sent him a message telling him I know I violated his trust. Know that I may or may not know how or if I will have it again. Also, told him I have apologized several times and in the end no matter what I have done I am a human being with feelings. That I deserve more from a relationship then friends with benefits and I am not settling for less. I left it with telling him to take care of himself . I believe this is the right thing. I have turned off my Skype, email, MSN so I do see when he is online and will start to learn to be happy again.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Cut him out completely. Don't be his 'sexual chat buddy'.. NO more. If he can't get over your lie, and remember why he fell inlove with you in the first place, then he isn't worth it! Yeah, you screwed up by allowing him to think you were 28.. He's probably thinking you manipulated him and because of that, he has a huge loss in trust/faith in you now. Hate to say it, rightfully so.. BUT, your feelings for him are geniuine, and if he can't see that, try to forgive you, work WITH you, then forget him for now.. Sorry you're hurting, try to stay busy, be with your friends and family who care about you.
Author honeypear Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Cut him out completely. Don't be his 'sexual chat buddy'.. NO more. If he can't get over your lie, and remember why he fell inlove with you in the first place, then he isn't worth it! Yeah, you screwed up by allowing him to think you were 28.. He's probably thinking you manipulated him and because of that, he has a huge loss in trust/faith in you now. Hate to say it, rightfully so.. BUT, your feelings for him are geniuine, and if he can't see that, try to forgive you, work WITH you, then forget him for now.. Sorry you're hurting, try to stay busy, be with your friends and family who care about you. Thanks for your advice. He has since responded to my message saying that he will never trust me again and only sees me as sex buddy. I did not respond. He sent a message an hour later saying that he was sorry he didnt mean what he had said before. It's hard but I am not responding to messages. I accept that I broke his heart, I can't afford to keep having him throw my heart back at me. So we will chalk today up to a good day I realized I am worthwhile and loving person. And a bad day cos I had my heart thrown at me again. I'm tough and survived worse problems than this and will work on myself from this point on. Thank you and take care
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