Am I stupid?

[jgood]

I'm 21 and have been single for the last couple of years, but I wasn't really looking then; before that I never had any lasting relationship either.

 

A couple weeks ago, I met a great girl; I thought we hit it off, and everybody who saw us thought so, too. (Though both the girl and I had been drinking). We kissed, not made out, and I told her that I would call her, and did. Starting the next day, we hung out. Despite a short break from school, we stayed in contact. She would send me messages like "Good morning, handsome :)" and other random-ish text messages all the time over break. When we both got back, she wanted to see me and called me immediately to hang out. We hung out a few more times, once she even said "we can have a coffee study date." I had to go somewhere at the end of last week, and she really wanted to meet me to say goodbye (she did, for 5 mins) and gave me a card haha.

 

Then on Saturday, she wanted me to meet her at the school football game. She kept trying to find me, and when she finally did, she was REALLY drunk. To make a long story short, she ended up making out with some random guy while 25 feet away from me while I was talking to her best friend. And my heart just sunk. I mean, sure we were nothing officially and she can do what she wants, but to do it that close to me hurts a lot. She wanted to talk, but I left and said that we could talk the next day, if she wanted.

 

We did. She apologized several times (too many) and kept saying that she was really drunk (whatever). Then we kinda discussed what we wanted and I was honest. I'm looking for a relationship. And I told her about my past relationships, or lack-thereof, as of late. She talked and apparently she has been perpetually in a relationship of some sort and doesn't know what she wants right now. And she would say things like she didn't know what to think about me but also that the day we met she turned down 5 guys because she liked me. That doesn't add up. All I want is for her to decide what she wants. And she was like, I mean we havent gone out on a date or anything. Which is true, but she used words like study date to describe them, even if its nothing big. I can't take this type of thing. And she mentioned at one point that she had trouble hurting people, so has never been able to end a relationship, and I basically flat out told her to reject me now if thats what she wants and she refused. She said that she had no way of knowing what I felt beforehand. Which also seems stupid. Who is willing to hang out that much with a girl, we already kissed (but only the day we met, slightly drunk), respond to her texts like I did, etc. without being interested? I thought it was really obvious. My guy friends thought it was too. I don't even know what to think. We talked so much that I'm sure I'm leaving out a whole bunch. Now I dont know what's going on. She said to call her within a week if I will talk to her again. I just feel like she led me on and now won't admit it. And still dont really know where we stand

[Shoshana]

I don't think you're stupid. I think that you're pretty smart, actually, for calling it like you see it.

 

If you want a relationship, and this girl doesn't know what she wants (she said it herself) - go fish!! Seriously, you're at school and there are sooo many other eligible girls in the dating pool there. Do you really want to spend time on someone who will get drunk and make out with random people? Yuck!

 

Don't let yourself get strung around by this girl. She's obviously gotten you to bite at the lure, and she is teasing you. You're so much better than that... and I think you realize that already because the situation's got you frustrated and angry. That's a good sign that you need to move on.

 

Good luck in the quest for a great gal... she's out there, trust me!

[The.One]

Oh, how darling. It's like one of those TV Shows.

 

Look bud, I'll talk to you guy to guy because I'm a man and you're a man.

 

She's not worth your time. There's a woman out there for you who will adore you just as much as you adore her (and trust me, it's more fun that way). You're on a path to becoming a human step stool. One where she does what she wants, and you continually forgive her for her lack of faith or caring.

 

Let me ask you something. Do you want an amazing girl who cares about you just as much, if not more, than you care about her? Do you want to be with someone who actually is heads over heels for you and actually WANTS to be with you?

 

Or do you want to pursue something that isn't as much for you as you are for her?

 

It's simple. Do not let a woman treat you worse than you will treat her. Do not let her indecisiveness deceive you. If she were TRULY interested in you, she'd choose you.

 

You ask a princess what does she do when a prince walks into a room? She flocks to him to get his attention. Just as you do her. What does a girl do with no interest? She lingers and does the easy thing. Which is absolutely nothing. You delay, delay, delay, until someone just gives up.

 

You're a man. You're time is valuable. Don't waste it on some girl who is going around kissing other guys when she drinks. Do you think that day will be the last day that she goes a little heavy on the cranberry vodka? Probably not. And imagine how you'll feel when she's drinking and you're not around.

 

We're men. We've decided to be the pick'ers. We pick women. They choose if they want to be with us. Decide now to pick women who will choose to be with you and you'll be set.

 

GL.

[jgood]

Thank you guys for your replies,

They pretty much do sum up my thoughts on the matter.

 

I do think though that obviously I am misunderstanding something fundamental about women or about college relationships. I mean, we hung out a lot, heck she would do things like draw hearts and my hand as she said goodbye, etc. Then this type of thing happens. I mean, according to every girl, "who cares?" But I cared. And to do it that close to me--where I have to watch? Ouch. It just seems like being together that much with her seeming to show interest should mean something, but apparently it doesn't. I don't know, is there anyone who, even though they aren't actually anything yet, wouldn't make out with some rando? I think I fall a lot harder for girls than a girl could fall for me (or at least I apparently did here...) But I thought it was so obvious that I liked her, and everybody who even saw the type of messages she sent me thought that she liked me too, but now I have no idea about anything. Right now I just don't know if I'll find anyone.

[boogieboy]

Thank you guys for your replies,

They pretty much do sum up my thoughts on the matter.

 

I do think though that obviously I am misunderstanding something fundamental about women or about college relationships. I mean, we hung out a lot, heck she would do things like draw hearts and my hand as she said goodbye, etc. Then this type of thing happens. I mean, according to every girl, "who cares?" But I cared. And to do it that close to me--where I have to watch? Ouch. It just seems like being together that much with her seeming to show interest should mean something, but apparently it doesn't. I don't know, is there anyone who, even though they aren't actually anything yet, wouldn't make out with some rando? I think I fall a lot harder for girls than a girl could fall for me (or at least I apparently did here...) But I thought it was so obvious that I liked her, and everybody who even saw the type of messages she sent me thought that she liked me too, but now I have no idea about anything. Right now I just don't know if I'll find anyone.

 

First of all, youre not stupid, just inexperienced.

Well, youre NOT going to find anyone, because youre not looking. You were waiting for this girl, you waited too long, and she needs love too yknow! She cant wait forever for you to make a move. If you sense a girl likes you, you have to pounce immediately! No hanging out for months. if shes sending you "good morning handsome" texts, its time to make a date and plan for a kiss in the middle of the date.

 

BTW be careful of girls who use their sexuality to tease you...they bait you to hook you for practice...then when you make a move they pull away. Once you find out you have a teaser, you cut her off. It will happen at some time in your life, and she MIGHT have been one, I dunno.

 

You also cant fall for someone before you make out with them. This is why youre hurt. You built all this anticipation up with this girl, and dont understand why shes kissing another guy when shes drunk. Well...when shes drunk, you know how she really feels.

 

When she said "i dont know what I want" that was liar speak for "well I waited for you and you did NOTHING you ass! But I still want attention from you - while I find another guy to be with" Problem is, you dont know how many other guys she kissed while drunk and not in your presence. But she doesnt have to stay faithful to someone shes not exclusive with. Youre probably in the friend zone now, so cut her off. Go get another girl. And when you do, and she gives you the signs, make moves immediately. Got it?

 

You also cant give her the upper hand. You cant ask her to rejct you or to make a desicion, that makes you look weak and its unattractive. YOU have to do it. You TELL her forget it, go kiss the other guys, Im rejecting you.

 

Think about it this way every time you see a girl you like....

 

Women generally dont like being alone, and they are on the hunt constantly for warm arms when they are single. If you pass them up (by not making moves fast) theres someone RIGHT behind you to take your place who DOES act fast.

[jgood]

The problem is that it really didn't feel like I was "waiting" for this girl. We'd been on campus 8 days since we met, we'd hung out on 6 of those and she referred to the last one as a coffee study date. She also let me pay when I offered, so I figured it was obvious that I liked her. On the first date, I got up the nerve to hold her hand half way through. All of our times out were either walks or coffee. And of those 6, really I would have only had the opportunity to kiss her on 4 and on the first one she clearly didn't want to. Despite being apparently touchy-feely when drunk, she is (or seems) really, really religious/slow-moving sexually sober. But I do agree...After I initiated the first couple times together, I did kind of let her take charge, because she seemed like she was the type of girl who knew what she wanted and would easily make that clear to me. And the only reason that I hadn't arranged a real date was that she has night class nearly every night, so is disgustingly busy. But I was going to ask her out at the game, for whenever she was available (my plan was actually to cook and have a candlelit dinner at my place.

 

But as I said, the problem might be that I got tentative/less agressive after the first couple times out. Sound right? I was trying not to be nervous, so I probably acted more like how I act around my female friends than around a love interest.

[boogieboy]

I misunderstood, I was under the impression that it was alot longer than 8 days.

 

Well you can try again, but I think she never liked you. I dont believe she is too religious or anything, or maybe you made it awkward. I think since she is a drunk kisser, she would have made a move if she really liked you .

 

Give it another shot and be more aggressive, but keep in mind what youre gonna do if she recoils.

[Left in a Lurch]

This happened to me in college, all I can say is run.

A few women are just like this I think. They will hang around with you, if they see you with another woman pull you away, flirt, kiss, show a lot of interest, go out with you, make it seem like something good is happening and then they will kiss another guy someplace they know you're at or blow you off with a lie until you run into them at a bar with a group of 5 or 6 guys and excuse it like whatever their excuse was just fell through at the last minute.

She will destroy you if you let her. Everything will seem pretty great one day and the next day she will act like you mean nothing to her. It will be a repeating cycle.

The "I didn't know we were dating" bs is just that. She knew where you two stood, she knew you were interested and she knew the score.

All I can say is I think some women play that game and it works for them but sucks to be the guy so I don't recommend it.

The best part will be when you move on and a few months later see her at the bar or a party and she hangs all over you like you two are dating and nothing ever happened.

[jgood]

Thanks for the replies.

 

It had been 2 weeks since we met, but we had a long weekend in between filled with constant texting. The 8 days were the only 8 days we had on campus.

I know we can give it another shot, but I don't think that I want to. While she said that she wasn't exactly sure what she wanted, I definitely also said that I no longer knew what I wanted with her. But now I think I do and it's nothing.

 

I think that even her best friend thought that this girl liked me, because when she started making out with the guy, the girl was like oooh that's not good and apologized to me, etc. Everyone who saw the way she acted towards me thought she was interested.

 

The thing that frustrates me so much is that while guys understand exactly why I am upset, girls don't even see it as an issue! Do guys view things as more serious than they actually are? And frankly, I probably wouldn't have cared if she had done it while I wasn't right there, since we technically were still nothing. That being said, I wouldn't have made out with anyone else, but that's because I'm weird.

 

As you say, she is a drunk kisser (apparently that doesn't happen often with her though?) and probably would have made a move? Do you mean a move while sober? Because I'm pretty sure she was more than willing to make out with me after that guy but I had no intention of letting that happen.

 

Right now I just want to learn what mistakes I may have made so that I don't let them happen again.

 

Thanks!

[jgood]

Also--

Any advice on how to quickly move on? I always want to call her, but I know that I shouldn't, so I don't, but I've just been a little blue for the last couple days and I feel like a huge fool. I have absolutely the wrong type of personality to be upset for long periods of time--it's been 4 days and I haven't been upset for this long in months and just don't know how to handle it...

Thanks.

[boogieboy]

The thing that frustrates me so much is that while guys understand exactly why I am upset, girls don't even see it as an issue! Do guys view things as more serious than they actually are? And frankly, I probably wouldn't have cared if she had done it while I wasn't right there, since we technically were still nothing. That being said, I wouldn't have made out with anyone else, but that's because I'm weird.

 

As you say, she is a drunk kisser (apparently that doesn't happen often with her though?)

 

Right now I just want to learn what mistakes I may have made so that I don't let them happen again.

 

Thanks!

 

Whatever women dont see it as an issue, (i assume women you personally know) those women either are:\

1) teases themselves and dont want to make themselves look bad or

2) they dont want to deal with the guilt of telling you the truth.

 

 

1- the teases that wont tell you think of it like this "if I tell him what shes doing, he might realize that I do this and that Im a bad person for it"

 

2- the guilt ridden dont want to deal with the fallout of making you sad of the reality of the situation. They also think you might create an association of bad news with them in your mind. Some Women do ANYTHING to avoid the perception that they are any incling of a bad person... because many women are people pleasers. So most of the time, you cant ask women because they wont tell you the truth...out of selfishness. Its deep shyt.

 

Now I already told you the mistakes you made in my last post, so read it again. I didnt type all that for my health you know!

 

The way to move on? Find another girl to focus on, and make moves quickly. When you THINK a girl likes you, it builds confidence, and you forget the last one more. Keep doing that until you find one that sticks.

[jgood]

Whatever women dont see it as an issue, (i assume women you personally know) those women either are:\

1) teases themselves and dont want to make themselves look bad or

2) they dont want to deal with the guilt of telling you the truth.

 

 

1- the teases that wont tell you think of it like this "if I tell him what shes doing, he might realize that I do this and that Im a bad person for it"

 

2- the guilt ridden dont want to deal with the fallout of making you sad of the reality of the situation. They also think you might create an association of bad news with them in your mind. Some Women do ANYTHING to avoid the perception that they are any incling of a bad person... because many women are people pleasers. So most of the time, you cant ask women because they wont tell you the truth...out of selfishness. Its deep shyt.

 

Now I already told you the mistakes you made in my last post, so read it again. I didnt type all that for my health you know!

 

The way to move on? Find another girl to focus on, and make moves quickly. When you THINK a girl likes you, it builds confidence, and you forget the last one more. Keep doing that until you find one that sticks.

 

Okay thanks boogieboy,

I wasn't sure if you were still standing by the advice that I moved to slow after you found out that such little time has passed. And you suggest that she never really liked me; my big question is, then: what purpose does a girl have for leading a guy on if she's not interested? She even said that when we met she turned down 5 guys to be with me (to which I still say WTF is she telling me that for--to try to make me jealous?). And how could she then say that she wasn't sure what she thought of me. The fact is that even once I told her what I wanted, she didn't turn me down. But, I think I probably more or less blew it last week and I want to know why...Could I have been too comfortable and let the sexual tension die? Or not aggressive enough? I feel like such a fool.

[boogieboy]

But, I think I probably more or less blew it last week and I want to know why...

 

Could I have been too comfortable and let the sexual tension die?

 

Or not aggressive enough? I feel like such a fool.

 

 

Maybe and maybe. Heres the bottom line, she wasnt interest in you enough to wait for you to make a move. the girl could have lied to you about turning down 5 guys. She could be a girl that changes interests like underwear. She could be a habitual flirt for attention.

[UbiJW]

Bro you are young and a bit naieve and seem like a good guy so college relantionships are gonna fu$k you up.

 

Women want to be wanted. This chick was in to you hcause you weren't really looking for anything and seemed aloof which is attractive to college chicks and flirty girls. She made out with this other dude because you started showing real interest and then she knew she was wanted and she was bored.

 

You really have two options here. One is learn to play this game, if you wanna get laid by these kind of chicks. It's games, you have to act like you don't give a **** and there desire to boost their self esteem will lead them to you.

 

But I gotta be honest there's nothing but messed up chicks, drama and self doubt down that road: I could never stay with those girls because at the end of the day they had no self esteem and you can't love someone if you don't love yourself first. It's empty really, fun and interesting at times but empty.

 

Option 2 focus on your ****, keepnyour life moving, make lots of friends and hang out with girls that share your interests and values. The best places to meet these girls are school; work, social events and inerest things like art or whatever. There's hot girls there who want a boyfriend that is to them. My humble opinion good luck bro.

[Left in a Lurch]

 

I think that even her best friend thought that this girl liked me, because when she started making out with the guy, the girl was like oooh that's not good and apologized to me, etc. Everyone who saw the way she acted towards me thought she was interested.

 

 

Yeah, their friends will always say they really like you even if they know 100% the chick hates you.

Her friend was talking out of her ass. They likely never discussed you, but women like to play matchmaker no matter who is invloved.

[jgood]

Arg I just have no idea what to do.

I just talked to my best girl friend about this.

She even (and now that I've had this conversation sober with sober girls, they mostly agree, too) agreed that this girl totally led me on. When I asked why this girl chose me, my friend said it was probably completely random. She thinks that I should just go out and make out with random girls, even without regard for how attractive they are to me...just make out with a bunch of them to get over this girl...

 

She also said never to contact the girl or anything. If she tries to talk to me, make sure that she and/or I am surrounded by a group of friends...

 

Is this good advice? I feel like such an idiot for saying it, but I don't think that this girl is all that bad... And I do still like her, even as only friends... But I agree that I will always get some sort of crush on her since I am attracted to her personality and, frankly speaking, she is ridiculously cute. So maybe it isn't worth even being only friends. I don't know...She did apologize. I just wish that she would have said what she wanted.

[Krytie TV]

It's excellent advice. No amount of information can provide you what the next 4 years will, but this is pretty typical of the flakiness that exists anywhere, let alone colleges. It is difficult to make an actual emotional connection with someone in college because of the population you have to draw from. You remind me a lot of me at your age... always looking for something that no one my age could offer me.

 

This is just "one of those" experiences. Trying to make something out of it is akin to trying to fit a round peg in a square hole. I mean come on... with the ease with which she makes out with people would you really trust her as a gf?

 

Walk on. There will be others, and they will be equally frustrating.