laRubiaBonita Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I love my husband, but he doesn’t talk with me… like just chat. He has been out of town for almost 2 weeks straight and is back. We spent all yesterday together and I do not think he said more than a few things to me. I mentioned it- asked him why he was soo quiet… *shrugs his shoulders* Then in the evening he said he was feeling some anxiety…. AKA- he doesn’t talk to me when he feels that way either- which lately seems like more than not. I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when I am around him- god forbid I should do or say something to exacerbate his anxiety. This then makes me mad- I am not able to enjoy being with my husband because basically he isn’t really there- this is not the same man. This man is quiet, withdrawn, stressed, unhappy….. I really feel like I am the cause though. He is supposed to possibly talk with someone, a psych, and I really hope he does. I am about to pull my hair out in frustration. i do not doubt he loves me- but it sure doesn't feel like it.
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) could really help him learn to control and overcome his anxiety, so I really hope he follows through on that..If possible, go with him to his first appointment. Trust me, you aren't the cause of his anxiety..It's all about him and what he is feeling.. Probably feels inadquet (sp?) as a man, a provider, and doesn't feel strong.. You need to pump him up, let him know that you stand by him, that you love him no matter what and he isn't alone. With me (I suffered from anxiety disorder), I would shut people out, as it was just easier on me - The problem is, distancing oneself from friends, family, spouses only makes the anxiety worse - Keeps you in a certain mindset. I learned with the help of my T (therapist) to surround myself around people, keep busy and distracted.. To FIGHT the anxiety, not let it control me. It's alot of hard work, but well worth it in the end. There will be times he will want to be alone, that's OK, but not all the time. He has to interact, live life and not just sit alone, go to bed or watch TV.. Go for walks with him, do yoga together - That type of exercise really helps ease the mind and body, will lessen his anxiety inside. Sorry that you are feeling out of sorts, just know that he will get better, as long as he's willing to follow through with therapy and work hard to get himself back to where he should be.. Hope this helps. PM me anytime if you need more info, I'm pretty much an open book when it comes to dealing with anxiety!
Spoiled Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I could have written this post myself a few years ago. This was my exact situation with my H for at least 2 years, I spent the last year in an affair. He was traveling with work and when he was home, he was just there. Once the affair was discovered and my H and I began counseling, we discovered he was actually just depressed. And there was really nothing against me, he was holding in all of his anxieties and stress of work, family illness, etc. You probably have inconsistent feelings of whether or not he is cheating, if he has lost interest in you, if he loves you, or if he is unhappy with married and parental life. I strongly suggest marriage and individual counseling ASAP because I built up so much anger and resentment toward him over time. Entered into an affair with a friend of ours and had basically given up on trying in marriage anymore. Now looking back, he was depressed, therefore leaving me feeling neglected and abandoned. He never stopped loving me, he just didn't know how to deal with his stress. And I did not encourage him enough. I hope all will began to get better soon.
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I strongly suggest marriage and individual counseling ASAP because I built up so much anger and resentment toward him over time. This is true, but if he IS really suffering from an anxiety disorder, or (mild) depression (they do go hand in hand), he needs to fix himself first before doing marriage counselling. It's really hard to work on a marriage when one person is broken and needs to be fixed..Hopefully once his therapy gets going and he gets stronger, deals with whatever issues that are causing him the anxiety, then the marriage can be worked on with LRB. Also, I doubt very much he's having an affair. Just because someone is shut off and not talking, doesn't mean he's cheating. Anxiety really messes with one's head!!
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 thanks WWIU! i feel like i am talking to a wall when i talk with him... i have done CBT and taken SSRI's- so i know what i am talking about when i talk to him- but he will not listen to me. Thanks Gosh his Dr., told him this too- because he will listen to his Dr., at least more than he will listen to me- and it frustrates me!!! i want to strangle or punch him! i wish he would at least act like he is doing something different, but no- he lays on the couch like a lump being all introspective and probably making what ever he is feeling worse. of course i am only able to speak of what i perceive him to be feeling- since i do not really know. AND he says work stresses him alot, and i agree with that- from what i know of the little company- i couldn't do it. yet he hasn't looked for anything else in the way of a new job..... it it sucks sooo bad and makes him (and me) miserable why does he continue to stay? i just do not get it?
Meaplus3 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Then in the evening he said he was feeling some anxiety…. AKA- he doesn’t talk to me when he feels that way either- which lately seems like more than not. Believe it or not, I think that's a positive thing that he shared his feelings with you. At least he knows there is an issue. As WWIU mentioned, CBT is very helpful for anxeity issues. Would he go to therapy? I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when I am around him- god forbid I should do or say something to exacerbate his anxiety. And this is because he probably is suffering from some depression as a result of his anxeity. I know how it goes, been there and it's NO fun. Do know it's not you it's him and only he can make a change here. Best wishes. Mea:)
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 You get it, he doesn't..Yet. He has lost his self confidence..His zest for life.. I bet just going to work takes everything out of him, that's why he hibernates when he gets home.. Don't enable his behaviour! BE supportive, encourage him, be positive, BUT don't let him laze around all day/evening either. Tell him "let's go for a brisk walk, 20 minutes, and I promise you, you'll feel better." Tell him you DO understand what he is feeling and it's OK to be scared, OK to not to feel well, but this can't consume him 24/7. He also has no motivation, hense the no self confidence.. I totally see myself in your H, years ago.. I know how bloody hard it is to MAKE yourself do something. BUT, with the help from you, other family members, good friends, he CAN get through this.. Question is, does he want to?!!!
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 he says he wants to be able to gain controll over it- and i know he will need help to do so (therapy of some sort). and i hope he will muster the courage to face it head on and test out what he fears.... like he feels his chest tighten, and i have suggested that he use this as a starting point and we go for a quick jog.... just to see if in fact this makes it worse or if it helps.... but he is too scared his heart will like beat out of his chest or something. ok- i will be a tough cookie and not let his anxiety suck me in too- but really i feel like i am still home alone, i swear my cats have more personality than he does right now.
Meaplus3 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 he says he wants to be able to gain controll over it- and i know he will need help to do so (therapy of some sort). and i hope he will muster the courage to face it head on and test out what he fears.... like he feels his chest tighten, and i have suggested that he use this as a starting point and we go for a quick jog.... just to see if in fact this makes it worse or if it helps.... but he is too scared his heart will like beat out of his chest or something. ok- i will be a tough cookie and not let his anxiety suck me in too- but really i feel like i am still home alone, i swear my cats have more personality than he does right now. You mentioned he feels his chest tighten. Now, is this something new? And if so you know it would not be a bad idea to have it checked out. I have been through so much heart related stuff in the past year, that one thing I know for sure is that chest pain should not be ignored until a cardiac cause is ruled out. While it's mostly likely a symptom of anxeity, there could be more to it. Now, one thing that my therapist taught me when I feel the chest thing ( mind you I've had heart issues ruled out) is to do a few jumping jacks or jog in place. If your having a heart attack, you can not do that. Just wanted to share what I've learned with you. Mea:)
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 (edited) he did have his heart checked when he was having his first attack and i took him to the ER, aat his recent Dr. appt the Dr said if anything it is just some allergies which might feel like he couldn't breath as great.... so his heart is fine. Edited October 19, 2009 by laRubiaBonita
Meaplus3 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 he did have his heart checked when he was having his first attack and i took him to the ER, aat his recent Dr. appt the Dr said if anything it is just some allergies which might feel like he couldn't breath as great.... so his heart is fine. Ok.. Good. Now as I mentioned when he feels that tightness have him jog in place or do jumping jacks. Really, this works for me. I do it all the time and it helps me to get through the anxeity. Mea:)
Patrice Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Rubia .. going through exactly the same thing .. and actually I left last March because of it. It got so bad, I told his therapist I just couldn't go down with the ship. The husband only went because I begged him to go ... the 5 years before - I saw a pretty dramatic change and when I confronted him he got emotionally abusive ... so I opted out. We are legally separated, I have my own residence and he's still going to therapy.. I told him I would hang on to see if he can improve this before I decide to try marriage counseling. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if I want to rehash the entire can of worms - and disrupt my own healing process from this - until I have some assurance that he is truly better. So, I'm asking him for space and time - some days he complies, some days he's emailing or calling or texting me all day. The kids are grown and launched and are fine with whatever I decide .... so, I'm right here for ya!! xxoo
Author laRubiaBonita Posted October 21, 2009 Author Posted October 21, 2009 Rubia .. going through exactly the same thing .. and actually I left last March because of it. It got so bad, I told his therapist I just couldn't go down with the ship. The husband only went because I begged him to go ... the 5 years before - I saw a pretty dramatic change and when I confronted him he got emotionally abusive ... so I opted out. We are legally separated, I have my own residence and he's still going to therapy.. I told him I would hang on to see if he can improve this before I decide to try marriage counseling. Quite frankly, I'm not sure if I want to rehash the entire can of worms - and disrupt my own healing process from this - until I have some assurance that he is truly better. So, I'm asking him for space and time - some days he complies, some days he's emailing or calling or texting me all day. The kids are grown and launched and are fine with whatever I decide .... so, I'm right here for ya!! xxoo patrice- sorry it got so crappy with your marriage. monday he was actually fine to be around... he talked with me.... but yesterday and this morning i wanted to hit him- or be a baby like he acts..... i am so pissed off today! he did mention he was thinking more and more about an antidepressant, basically he is taking xanax every day now and he does n't want to get addicted to it. but all he does is talk- like he is playing lip service. i almost don't give a flying flip what he does anymore (ok, really i care- but i am sick of it!) JUST PISS OR GET OFF THE POT! i am going to call the therapy service we have through my employer and go talk with them.... if he doesn't want to utilize the free services offered i sure as hell will. and it is effecting me now, i am back to drinking when i get home, my eating disorder is gearing up.... his issues are stressing me- and it is really making me mad.
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