amy.k Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It`s a long and complicated story. I met my fiance 2years ago. He is 20years older with 4kids, divorced. I accepted his complicated past and all the kids even if it was not easy. We live together for more then one year and one of his daughters live with us. The problem started in may. I went into his messages and found some porn pics, sent by a number/person I did not know. I thought it`s one of his crazy friends, but I was curious and next time when I got the opportunity I went and checked his messages again. There was an sms describing how she wants to suck my fiance and... I called the number-it was a woman- but was so shocked that I couldn`t speak. It was a big drama, my fiance was denying everything, telling me how that woman was her f#ckbuddy before we met-I knew about that and that they stayed in touch because of work and that sometimes she used to write things like that but that he ignores it. He promised not to talk to her again. After it turned out that she is still writing to him, in the beginning sexual messages later only work things or articles. And what makes me angry that he used to share on fb the articles and youtube things what she use to send him. The worst is that she is in very good relationship with my step daughter. Buying her gifts, sending her books, taking her out, buying cakes and such things. I was begging my fiance let him make her stop all this things, but he only got pissed off and keep telling me I`m behaving childish. He is really mad that I´m checking his mails and messages and even started to check his emails online and not on the outlook so that I don`t see the mails. The truth is I never found a mail or sms sent by him to her. I really don`t know what to do or what to believe. I depend on my fiance 100%, I can`t leave him. Am I really childish? Should I ignore this thing?
SpanksTheMonkey Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I don't think your being childish for Christ sake shes sending him porn are the pics of her? I think hes acting suspicious if hes going to marry YOU then why even accept such images from an ex? I don't know to me the hole thing reeks of zero respect for you even if there is no actual cheating going on its not a healthy thing hes doing you two need to seek some marriage counseling before hand...
Author amy.k Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 It was not she on the pics, she just sent it to "warm him up" and I`m sure my fiance would not cheat me, the woman was hurt cos she thought she can be the stepmom to his daughter and they had an agreement that it`s "just sex" and he ended up everything when he met me and she went crazy. So they were not talking for quiet long then she came with "let us be friends cos of the work" and he is such a man that he can`t say no. He is a very nice person but I can`t swallow this. And I`m affraid that he will leave me cos I don`t trust him. But I don`t know what to do. My stepdaughter got a gift yesterday from her, a book sent by post and I got very upset and told my fiance should I call that b#tch to explain to her some things, but then my fiance became mad that it has nothing to do with me or him what`s between the daughter and that woman. So yesterday I decided not to talk to him, he came to bed tried to hug me but I pushed him away. I don`t like to be like this, cos I love him and I know he loves me but I really don`t know what to do again cos talking to him is not helping. He doesn`t want to go for counseling, cos he has no time or money, what`s truth, he has lot of kids we don`t have what to throw away and I don`t work, still on my studies
Author amy.k Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Actually I`m sure she´s doing this to make me leave him. Cos a month ago when she sent a sexual thing again he called her and told her to stop and just 2min later she sent me an sms that I should tell to my husband that he should stop calling her. But he is still sharing things on fb what I`m very sure she sent him. I really hate this thing. Feel really hopeless
SpanksTheMonkey Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It was not she on the pics, she just sent it to "warm him up" and I`m sure my fiance would not cheat me, the woman was hurt cos she thought she can be the stepmom to his daughter and they had an agreement that it`s "just sex" and he ended up everything when he met me and she went crazy. So they were not talking for quiet long then she came with "let us be friends cos of the work" and he is such a man that he can`t say no. He is a very nice person but I can`t swallow this. And I`m affraid that he will leave me cos I don`t trust him. But I don`t know what to do. My stepdaughter got a gift yesterday from her, a book sent by post and I got very upset and told my fiance should I call that b#tch to explain to her some things, but then my fiance became mad that it has nothing to do with me or him what`s between the daughter and that woman. So yesterday I decided not to talk to him, he came to bed tried to hug me but I pushed him away. I don`t like to be like this, cos I love him and I know he loves me but I really don`t know what to do again cos talking to him is not helping. He doesn`t want to go for counseling, cos he has no time or money, what`s truth, he has lot of kids we don`t have what to throw away and I don`t work, still on my studies Well he is right in one way what is between the girl and her is their business but what goes on between him and her is yours! To me her sending him that kind of material to "warm him up" is disrespecting you and that is unacceptable. Hes giving you reason to be suspicious with his poor childish behavior. Tell him your sorry for how you acted about her and the daughter but that you want any correspondence between him and her other then when it concerns the daughter to end. So he has no time or money to work on issues? thats not a good sign Hun if a relationship truly matters you make the time and now adays you can find good counseling often free or close to it with a little research. If I were you I would be reconsidering things for now at least cause he doesn't sound like hes willing to work on issues marriages don't work like that..
Lucky_One Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Timeline. You are, say, 20. This man is, say, 40, divorced, with 4 children (who are closer in age to you than he is). You met him in February 2008. He proposed in June 2008 and you immediately moved in. You have lived there for 16 months, and should be finally married in December. You have no job and no money, and are financially dependent on him. He had a FWB approx 20 months ago, who for some reason still has a sexual desire for him even though he says that he hasn't been with her in nearly 2 years. She sends him porn clips and sexual texts about him having a room ready for her and about her giving him oral sex. He denies any sexual activity with her. He is very good about cleaning out his sent box, but not so good at cleaning out his inbox. I would suggest that you find somewhere else to live, and that you two continue to date if you still want to see if you have a viable future with this man. You really didn't know him when you moved in with him as a bare adult, and now he is in a superior position to you as to power and money - basically, you are at his mercy. In your heart, you know he has been unfaithful, or you wouldn't still be posting about this worry for the past 5 months. Women who are FWBs don't 1) maintain sexual/romantic feelings going for 2 years without some reason to keep feeling that way and 2) don't dream of step-parenting. They dream of keeping emotions OUT of the FB status, and they DON'T want to be mommies.
torranceshipman Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 There is ALREADY something going on and you can see the proof - he is letting a former sex partner send him porn, and communicating with her regularly, and broadcasting the fact on FB. Exactly how much more of a doormat do you want to be made into here? He has completely disrespected you and yes, he is cheating, you know this. You may rely on him 100% now but that's your choice - you can equally choose to move out and depend on yourself or on someone else - that is no reason to stay. This is absolutely no basis for a marriage - he's cheating, enjoying porn sent from another woman (who has a close R with your fiance's child) and so forth. This is awful! Could it even get worse! Oh and I think the OW called you/txtd to say that you should tell your H to stop calling her because...he won't stop calling her. Believe me, she wouldnt do all this without encouragement.
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