jadednconfused Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I'm having a really hard time getting over something that happened to me a few months ago, if anyone has any advice for me I'd greatly appreciate it. I know it's a long entry but please read it??? I was dating someone for about a year and we broke up almost three months ago. I think that I am doing okay as far as getting over him, but I can't seem to get over the situation. Through out our relationship I had feelings that he wasn't really attracted to me. Whenever I would try talking to him about it, he would tell me that I'm crazy and too insecure. He never wanted to have sex. I have never had to deal with this issue before in a relationship, and I didn't know how to not take it personally. Excuse after excuse like he was too tired or not feeling well and saying that he just doesn't have a high sex drive. His answers never really added up considering he had an extensive porn collection and god knows how many subscriptions to porn websites. I even found out that he was on a "hook-up" site and had been flirting with girls online, maybe even having cyber sex. That was about six months into our relationship...I dumped him. He begged and pleaded with me to please give him a second chance, telling me that he has never had such strong feelings for someone and claiming that we were "soulmates". Besides the sex, we did have a great relationship, it felt like he was my best friend. So about a week later I decided I wanted to give us another try. Things were better for a while, but a few months back into it, sexual encounters were few and far between again. I started becoming jealous, which is out of character for me. I wasn't happy and I blamed myself for everything. I never thought that I was beautiful but I never knew that I was as fat and ugly as he made me feel. We started arguing a lot and it finally got to the point that I realized how bad he was for me. I broke up with him again saying that I think we should just be friends and I felt like he does love me but he's not in love with me. He told me I was wrong, and broke down saying he has a porn addiction. I didn't really know what to think. Part of me was relieved, but I was still hurt. Either way the situation wasn't good for me. I wanted to be there for him though, and part of me still had hope for the future. I know that's ridiculous but we really did connect awesome on other levels. So anyways, we didn't talk for a few weeks. Once we started talking again it hurt that we weren't more, but I was happy that we were trying to be friends. One day he asked me if I thought that we would ever get back together. I told him that we have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy together. Then he drops the bomb...he tells me that he is going to try to work on his shallowness. I asked him what he meant by that and he answered "well there are plenty of hotter girls out there with bigger boobs and flatter stomaches but they don't have your personality." I was shocked, I didn't know how to take what he had just said. It was one of those my heart just fell right out of my chest and shattered on the floor moments. I said "so basically you are telling me that you are going to try to work on being attracted to me?" I don't think that is something someone should have to work on...am I wrong? I'snt that something that should just come natural? If he wasn't attracted to me, he should have never been with me in the first place. Isn't attraction kinda the thing that separates friendship from something more??? Anyways, I told him to just leave me alone for the time being because I don't really know how to handle this, and I just need to think. He got angry and told me that I was being dramatic! I told him that he was being insensitive and I left his house. About an hour later I got a text message from him saying "f*** you, you stupid fat disgusting c***!" What did I do to deserve this?! He went on to text that he is sorry that he was trying to be a better person for dating me and that he just can't defy nature, he prefers petite women. WOW...I can't express how much pain I felt at that moment. I really really wanted to say something horrible but I couldn't think. All I said back was "goodbye." I understand that most guys prefer thinner girls, but I am who I am and this is what I looked like when we first met. If that's how he felt then why did he even bother trying to get to know me? I just don't understand. I put so much into our relationship and this is what I got in return? He text me the next day and said that he apologizes and hopes that we can be friends still. I told him that I think it's just better left alone. He replied with "whatever cow". I changed my phone number and haven't talked to him since. I feel so lost right now. I have so many questions...was he just that desperate to date someone? Was I just some sick game to him? Was he using me for something? Is this because he has a porn addiction? Does he even have a porn addiction or was that just another excuse? Is he just that insecure with himself that he thinks he can't get someone he actually wants? Is he really this mean? Why did he date me in the first place, why couldn't we just be friends? or Why didn't he let me go the first time it was over?? why why why???? Why me??? What did I do to deserve this?? I really need an answer because the only one I can come up with is because I'm overweight and it's what I deserve for being fat. I'm completely broken and I hate the way that I have been seeing the world since this has happened, I hate everyone because I fear that this is how everyone thinks of me. I just don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone or anything. It's funny how I am so aware of my flaws now. Before I met him I was feeling so good about myself. I lost 95 pounds a few years ago, I was so happy with my size 10, now I can't stand myself. Am I ever going to be over this??? Why can't I let it go? maybe I'll just never be good enough....
Ronni_W Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I'm sorry that you're going through this. You ARE good enough! You are MORE THAN good enough!! Apparently your body shape and/or size did not appeal to this guy. That does NOT make you "not good enough". The challenge is that you've allowed his personal preferences to trigger/renew your own negative body image. Depending on the severity, a therapist who specializes in this area may be your most efficient and effective way to overcome this. There are also a gazillion books on the subject -- it is a very, very common problem for both women and men (for men it's usually about height, muscle mass and, sometimes, length. Also hair loss.) The books with which I am familiar: 'Self-Esteem Comes In All Sizes' by Carol A. Johnson, and two books with the same title, 'Do I Look Fat In This?' by [1] Rhonda Britten and [2] Jessica Weiner. Each have their strengths...and weaknesses, IMO. Before you buy any, you might want to check the customer review comments at amazon.com, or give them a scan at the library. BookCloseOuts.com has both versions of 'do i look fat' on sale (but no customer reviews on that site.) Hugs. You're not alone.
Gypsy_Soul Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Well, I've never had that happen to me before, it sounds strange. Are you sure he only looks at women on those porn sites? In almost all porn they do show men. He could be gay and fighting those feelings. Some men will even go so far as to get married with a woman and have children, but are really gay. He might not even be attracted to women at all. He could be looking at the men in the hetero porn he looks at. Just my take on it. I have two gay brothers and a gay aunt. So I think I know what gay at least seems like.
Gypsy_Soul Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Either way, he seems to have some serious psychological sexual issues going on within himself and it has nothing, I mean absolutely nothing to do with you. You were just used as a scapegoat for his own issues.
Author jadednconfused Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 Thank you for your input, I think you are both right! I'm going to check out those books and try to realize that the way he treated me was because of him and not because of me
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