boldjack Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 OP, a lot of people, make a lot of money trying to repair broken marriages. Very, very , very, few are permanently successful.You already know whether you will forgive her or not, you just have to admit it to yourself, and act upon it. If you cannot forgive or forgrt, then end it. Remember, her "love", for you didn't stop her from cheating, and disrespecting you, so I would take that with a grain of salt. If you do forgive her , but continue to treat her differently, she might do it again, or if she perceives you as being weak because you forgave her , this might also cause her to cheat again. I would say that you have a less than 5% chance for a really happy marriage, with her. Divorce is never fun, but it is usually the best course to follow, if there are no children.
Author mcevil Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 confusedinkansas: I moved out today. I wanted to give it one more week but at this point she feels she needs the separation too. I've said a lot of mean and hurtful things to her in the last 6 months and she needs a break. I think the time has come where she has done enough - I haven't felt anything these last days but sadness and the past things haven't been bothering me at all. I feel like this is a turning point for me but, since there have already been a number of times that I've thought that only to go back to being a monster, she needs a break. I'd finally lined up a marriage counselor that we could afford but I think our last argument broke her will to keep going with this. Boldjack: Yeah, I've been through those thoughts before too. I can say with 100% certainty that she is a different person today than she was then, but as you say some things are just human nature and you can never discount the possibility it will happen again.
boldjack Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Op, that should be the biggest "Red Flag", of all. If you can never be completely sure of her, again, it's over.
confusedinkansas Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 . I would say that you have a less than 5% chance for a really happy marriage, with her. Where do you get your stats bold? I find it hard to believe that it is that low. More marriages than you think survive affairs. I am of the impression (from reading) that more marriages break up when the wife cheats, as opposed to the husband. More women are forgiving? I don't know - it's just what I've read. I think that IF BOTH PARTIES want something badly enough then it can work. If there's one shred of love left - then it can work. Seems with the OP's situation - Neither wants this marriage anymore so admitting defeat & moving on is probably the best. Mcevil - Why schedule a marriage counselor? Your last post would lead me to believe it's over?
Author mcevil Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 Boldjack: No marriage is safe from that, that's all I meant. I'm not worried about that happening if we stay married, not anymore. I've realized some things. For most of my marriage (6 years) I've been neglectful, often ignoring my wife and causing her to feel as if she were alone. I've always been kind, caring, and loving to her (until recently) but in general pursued life as if I were an individual with a roommate he was married to. She's felt alone in her house when I'm sitting right next to her, and it's gone on for years. When she voiced concerns I only half listened, and she dropped it afterwards, thinking that I didn't care enough to address the concerns. This takes a toll after only a few months, but she lived with it for 5 years before finally having her affair. When I broke her will last week, when we decided to separate, she wasn't just feeling the past 6 months, she was feeling that last 6 years. And the more I think about them, the more awful I realize I have been. There are more things, things that seemed little at the time, but which added up, day after day, year after year. Ever since we got married I got comfortable, and ignored and neglected the one person who was supposed to be the center of my life. This does not excuse what she did, does not excuse the affair. But truly realizing the depths of what she has endured over the years floored me. My perspective has changed in the last few days. On Monday I realized something else: my anger is gone. The mind movies have stopped. I can look back on the summer's events with only sadness because of what I have lost now, because of all the pain I have caused. I have broken one of the most kind, considerate, and loving women on the planet, and it's been happening over the 6 years of our marriage. With the anger gone I'm finally able to see how much I love her, how important she is to me. I want to treat her the way a husband should, to give her the things she deserves as a wife and that I never have as long as I've been married to her. I want this with every fibre of my being. Right now I can only hope that she will give it another chance while we're separated. Maybe if we can start small and just date each other for a while we can rebuild our marriage into something new, something better. Right now she needs distance, space. Even telling her these things, she's going to need time to make sure I'm sincere. I don't think I've ever been more sure of anything in my life. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I will wait for her until she's ready to try again. All I can do is pray that she is willing to, and doesn't decide she will be better without me in her life. Thank you those who have listened and responded, I appreciate your help. I'll give an update for those of you that are interested at a later date. For those of you saying "WTF?! Just like that? You hold onto the anger and make her miserable enough to leave you and then 'snap!' change your mind?" Lots of thought went into this, and the change of perspective mentioned above changed everything. I think I may be on the road to forgiveness.
eeyore1981 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Boldjack: No marriage is safe from that, that's all I meant. I'm not worried about that happening if we stay married, not anymore. I've realized some things. For most of my marriage (6 years) I've been neglectful, often ignoring my wife and causing her to feel as if she were alone. I've always been kind, caring, and loving to her (until recently) but in general pursued life as if I were an individual with a roommate he was married to. She's felt alone in her house when I'm sitting right next to her, and it's gone on for years. When she voiced concerns I only half listened, and she dropped it afterwards, thinking that I didn't care enough to address the concerns. This takes a toll after only a few months, but she lived with it for 5 years before finally having her affair. When I broke her will last week, when we decided to separate, she wasn't just feeling the past 6 months, she was feeling that last 6 years. And the more I think about them, the more awful I realize I have been. There are more things, things that seemed little at the time, but which added up, day after day, year after year. Ever since we got married I got comfortable, and ignored and neglected the one person who was supposed to be the center of my life. This does not excuse what she did, does not excuse the affair. But truly realizing the depths of what she has endured over the years floored me. My perspective has changed in the last few days. On Monday I realized something else: my anger is gone. The mind movies have stopped. I can look back on the summer's events with only sadness because of what I have lost now, because of all the pain I have caused. I have broken one of the most kind, considerate, and loving women on the planet, and it's been happening over the 6 years of our marriage. With the anger gone I'm finally able to see how much I love her, how important she is to me. I want to treat her the way a husband should, to give her the things she deserves as a wife and that I never have as long as I've been married to her. I want this with every fibre of my being. Right now I can only hope that she will give it another chance while we're separated. Maybe if we can start small and just date each other for a while we can rebuild our marriage into something new, something better. Right now she needs distance, space. Even telling her these things, she's going to need time to make sure I'm sincere. I don't think I've ever been more sure of anything in my life. I love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I will wait for her until she's ready to try again. All I can do is pray that she is willing to, and doesn't decide she will be better without me in her life. Thank you those who have listened and responded, I appreciate your help. I'll give an update for those of you that are interested at a later date. For those of you saying "WTF?! Just like that? You hold onto the anger and make her miserable enough to leave you and then 'snap!' change your mind?" Lots of thought went into this, and the change of perspective mentioned above changed everything. I think I may be on the road to forgiveness. Reading your post has been very painful for me. You could be my husband, except instead of 6 years, it has been 25, and when the affair finally happened, it was not me who cheated, it was him. Oh, yeah, don't let me forget, he still doesn't get it, and it sounds like you do. I wish you the very best of luck. I hope you and your wife are able to work things out, put all this behind you, and have a wonderful life.
Katerina Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 (edited) mcevil I can relate to everything you wrote... I've been there... I've been on this rollercoaster for over 2 years now and I think I'm finally beginning to "let go." Based on what you wrote, I believe there's hope for your marriage. You have every right to be mad and angry (and I hate to tell you this, but those feelings may return... and lighten up a bit... then return again, and so on), and the fact that she ended the affair even before you found out, "put up" with your anger and been remorseful the last 6 months are all good signs. My therapist told me more than once, "Look, you've been giving him hell, understandably, for 2 yrs now and he's still with you. If he didn't love you, why would he put up with all of this - all the anger, occusations, putting down, etc. etc. Wouldn't it be easier for him to just leave?" But my H has stayed and apologized over and over and over and over again... I'm finally starting to believe the reasons behind his affair and I'm finally starting to believe him and trust him. I am even starting to feel safe... and it's been over 2 years since I found out about the affair. The pain has lessened, and I'm surprised how close we still are despite of everything. So hang in there... let her know how you feel... let her tell you how she feels. You can make it. Just to let you know - we were married for over 12 yrs when he had his almost 2-yr-long emotional and physical affair, and we had/have 2 small children. People do strange things... we're only humans. There's no excuse for an affair, but unfortunately people make stupid mistakes. Btw, having an affair yourself won't help... don't do it. I did it - so stupid! I regret it wholeheartedly. P.S. The books you ordered are great. I've read them both. Also, if you and your wife are open, try looking for some church-based/Christian or similar counseling. Those are often free. I started with that. Then H and I both started seeing a "regular" MC. Edited October 25, 2009 by Katerina
Katerina Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 Another thing I learned in therapy is that an affair is not the end to a marriage, but it's a symptom of an "ill marriage". It sounds like you see now what the "illness" was and are willing to fix the problem. You seem to be a very kind, thoughtful man. I wish you all the best.
Guitarjeff Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I enjoy helping others through the pain of infidelity. Here are my personal ten points I like to impart to those going through this nightmare. These are just my opinions and others will have their own. I hope they make you feel better and give you a different perspective. 1.) Though it feels as if you are in more pain than anyone has ever been because of infidelity, you are hurting no worse than anyone else has and is hurting over it. When we hurt real bad, it's as if inside us we believe that our pain is special, and that we are hurting more than anyone ever could over this because we loved our spouse more than a normal person does. No one could be hurting as bad as *I* am hurting. This is simply false and you are not alone. Thousands upon thousands of betrayed spouses hurt exactly the same as you are with as much excruciating pain. Can't eat, can't sleep, breaking down in tears, even at work. Remember, this pain is absolutely normal, and you are not having some ultra-normal devastation. It helps to know that everyone that goes through this nightmare feels just the same as you, you are completely normal 2.} Just as all betrayed humans find out eventually, YOU WILL HAVE a happy life again in the future. Yep, that's right, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, and seems impossible, you will get up someday and actually smile and feel good about life again and look forward to your day, it's as sure as the sun will rise, nothing can stop the progression of time, nothing can stop you from healing and the pain beginning to die, it happens to all of us, and the people that have been through it, seeing you from their perspective, know for absolute sure that your pain will begin to fade. In ten years from now you will say to yourself, "I probably wouldn't change a single thing that happened" because it led you down a new life path. When one door closes, another opens. Be secure in the knowledge that this pain will eventually die and you will be happy again. 3.) During these horrible times, you absolutely HAVE to take care of yourself and eat well, try to sleep as normally as you can. Go see your doctor and tell him what's going on. Human beings are naturally empathetic, and who hasn't had their heart broken before? Your doctor will prescribe you with sleep and anti depression medication if he feels it will help you, so don't hold this in. That's why your doctor is there for goodness sakes. You won't be the firts or last person to come to them with emotional devastation. 4.) Out the affair to the other spouse who is being cheated on. Affairs thrive in secrecy, it's a fantasy land, that's why it's so exciting and feels like teenage love again. Your spouse doesn't have to see the new persons dirty underwear on the bathroom floor, or hear them using the bathroom, or smell their body reek after they mow the lawn. The affair partner is put on a pedestal. They don't have to live up to your standards because they don't have to live with your spouse. They can be the night in shining armor or the sweet princess while your spouse sees you as the boring mate who had gas in the middle of the night in bed. When you out the affair to friends and family, it loses it's shine and becomes an embarrassment to your spouse. The little fairy tale is now gone, and now it's a seedy affair, ruins that fantasy real quick. Telling the other betrayed spouse is very important because you would want to be told yourself, right? Can you imagine keeping this vital information from a married person? It's a terrible thing to do and you rob them of the opportunity to make proper decisions in their life based on the truth of what's happening to them. It's the same as lying. When you lie (and this is what your cheating spouse was doing to you), you prohibit the other betrayed spouse from making judgments based on truthful reality. That's a terrible thing to do to someone. If you know someone who is being cheated on and refuse to tell them, it's the same as being an accessory to the crime. 5.) No excuses for your cheating spouse. If I had a dollar for every time the people on these infidelity forums have seen a hurting spouse make excuses for their cheating spouse I would be rich. Basically, IT'S NOT YOUR PLACE to be analyzing why your spouse cheated on you.. You are not a mental health specialists. There is one big reason why betrayed spouses do this, and it's simple. If you can absolve your spouse of responsibility, then it must not be their fault, so then you can stay with them and not feel the pain anymore, right? If they just have an excuse, you can stay married to them and then you don't have to face being alone, see how that works? NO SPOUSE HAS A LEGITIMATE REASON FOR CHEATING ON YOU, NONE!!! Nothing you do can EVER be a reason for your spouse to bring a third party in to your intimate relationship you share together. A spouse can always come to you and tell you they are not happy and that they want to move on without you. There is NEVER a need to cheat, and it can NEVER be the right decision. Excuses for your spouse are really you trying to cheat out of the pain. 6.) Do not plead and beg to your cheating spouse to stay with you. To someone that is in the fantasy land of an affair, you already hold a lower place than the affair partner. They have lost their respect for you to begin with. Begging and pleading, crying at their feet looks terribly pathetic to your cheating spouse. It looks weak and unattractive and will simply make them pull away from you even harder because their affair partner doesn't grovel like this, they are strong and confident. To a cheating spouse, your crying and begging looks pathetic and weak, and it's the fastest way you can drive them even further away. It feels terribly unnatural to stand up to the person you fear will leave you. It's nature to want to beg them to stay, but the truth is exactly opposite. You want them to see you strong, confident. You must show them what they are losing. They are losing their friend, their partner for years, their home life, their security, maybe even their kids. How many times have the folks here seen a betrayed spouse try to be nice by giving the cheater money and offer everything up in a divorce trying to :*nice* their spouse back, only to end up losing so much more than they had to in a divorce? Do not try to buy your spouses love and respect back, most of the time you end up losing so much more in the end, and then a few years later when the pain is gone, you are saying to yourself "was I stupid or what? I lost everything I had because I was trying to give my cheating spouse the kitchen sink to show her how wonderful I was and make them want to come back" This never works. Giving the cheater everything they ask for because of your pain only puts you in more misery eventually, far more than you needed to endure. 7.) Did you know that your cheating spouse may not be who you were supposed to grow old with? That's right, it may not be in the cards for you two. I am a firm believer in fate, and I believe that most everyone has someone they are eventually supposed to grow old with and share their lives with. Would you want to stay in a betrayed marriage and miss the real person you were meant to grow old with? Of course not. No one wants to end up with the wrong person. There may be another person out there, right now, living their life, that is supposed to meet you when the time is right. Someone that won't cheat on you and that will forever love and respect you. They wouldn't be able to cheat on you no more than you would on them. Isn't this the kind of person you want to grow old with? Always keep in mind what kind of love you deserve. You DID NOT DESERVE to be cheated on. You deserve someone who will always be honest and true to you. 8.) Did you know that divorce, in most cases, IS THE FASTEST WAY for the pain to die? I have seen couples reconcile and the betrayed spouse is still in bad pain even years down the road. If you cut your losses and divorce, in just six months you are well down your new path and new life. You will still hurt, but your new direction gives you new goals, new friends, new perspectives, new jobs, new homes, new everything. When you make that decision to move on, it's like you have been a swimmer underwater, drowning and not knowing which way the light and air is. Then, you make a firm, final decision, and it's like the swimmer has now seen where to swim to. You swim toward the light. You are still drowning, but now you have a goal. You are not floundering in darkness, but you can put all your energy in to swimming toward the light and air. There's nothing like having a real direction and goal to move toward for easing your pain. Human nature will tell you that divorce will be the most pain, because you don't want to be alone and lonely while your cheating spouse takes off with their new fantasy. I would say it's completely opposite. The pain thrives in your indecision and fear of loneliness, And like I said before, you wouldn't want to miss out on the real person you are supposed to grow old with, would you? I am not advocating divorce for all couples going through this, I just want to make sure you understand that your emotions will make you want to try and hold on to your marriage out of fear and you will think that the path of least pain is staying in a betrayed marriage, when really, divorcing is usually the path with the least amount of overall pain, far less pain usually. It takes years in a betrayed marriage for the mind movies to stop. Wondering if he or she moaned, or rubbed their back as they had sex. Did he kiss her ear, put his tongue in her ear and whisper "I Love you?" Did she or he have a better orgasm than they ever had with you? Would they really tell you the truth if they did, how do you know? How will you feel when you hear a joke about infidelity, or see it in a movie you are both watching? Can you ever be comfortable being around friends and family who know your spouse has been inside another woman, or that your wife was penetrated by another man? If you decide to reconcile, ask all these questions of yourself. Can you be happy again knowing you are with a cheater while realizing that there may be another person out there you would have met and that would have loved and honored you, been faithful to you, and would give you the true love you deserve? Can you handle living without that special, exclusive intimacy that your cheating spouse destroyed forever? Your pain will tell you "yes, I just want my darling back because I want this pain to end and I am afraid to be alone and lonely, facing an unsure life without them". This is pain, fear, and emotion talking, not a person making rational decisions that aren't based in fear and loneliness. Make your decisions with your future mind, not with your emotional, hurting mind. The hurting mind is the one that looks pathetic and weak when it tells you try to beg and cry, grab their feet and beg while they walk out the door. It's the mind that will tell you to win them back by being nice and giving them any and everything, money, your kids, your body....only to have you cursing yourself a couple years later after the pain is gone for losing everything you had to a cheater by trying to buy them back or "nice" them back. Your future mind is the one that sees reality as it really is. It will have you make decisions rationally, not based on fear and pain but for what's best for your future and well being. Remember I said that in ten years you will say to yourself "I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened because it made me who I am now"? That's your future mind and that's what you should be using to make your decisions. 9.) YOUR BEAUTIFUL KIDS!! I am a single father and I have raised two wonderful children for over ten years by myself. My son is now 18 and in college, and my darling daughter is 14 and doing well. Last year, my daughter was crying because she didn't have a Mom and other girls do. Her and I are so close it's beyond words as you parents know. I explained to her that "I wouldn't change a single thing that happened". She asked why, and I explained to her that had I stayed married, her and I surely would not have the exact same relationship we have together now. I told her that I would not have been able to spend and devote so much time to her had there been another parent involved. I asked her if she thought about it, would she really want things to be different than they are now, even in our relationship? She thought about it and said, "No dad, No way" The point I am making is, your children will always be your darlings, no matter if you are married or not. In my case, my relationship as a single dad has brought my children and I as close as can be imagined. I cannot say our relationship would be special in this exact way had I stayed married. I wouldn't trade the gift of raising my children alone for the last ten years for all the money in the world. It has been a real blast having it be just them and me. My children will always know that I stuck it out to raise them, and they will always know how much I love them. Don't stay in a betrayed marriage just because you think your kids will be better off. You may actually end up far closer to them because of a divorce because it does change your relationship to them, often making you closer than you would have ever been with two parents, and that special thing can be the most rewarding feeling in your entire life. I can honestly say, ten years down the road, "I wouldn't change a single thing that has happened over these years if I could". 10.) Your pain will leave, it's really true. The people on this site are at the end of the tunnel, they came through it, and they are now talking to you while you are still in the tunnel. They are telling you to keep your hands on the walls and follow their voices to the daylight. They made it through and you will too. You are not the only person to travel this tunnel, and now you are no longer lost, you have many others who have been right where you are guiding you to the daylight. Listen to them and follow their lead. You too will be on the outside of the tunnel, and you will be guiding other lost, hurting souls through the darkness soon. It feels so good to not hurt anymore, and there's nothing in the world that can stop your pain from dying in time, so feel secure in that knowledge. Good luck.
fatamus Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 I'm truly overwhelmed with how many have responded so quickly. Thank you! I'll try to address as many of the things asked as I can in one post: We have no children. We are both 28 and have been married for 6 years. Our last anniversary was two months after shtf, so was not a happy occasion. The best times we have had since have been when we get away from everything - going to nearby cities to site see, nearby B&B's to be somewhere else other than the place that everything went wrong. We can't afford this often, though, so it's not a sustainable option for us to rely on to see us through. Freestyle, I have ordered the two books you mentioned from Amazon. Thanks for those! I wish I'd known about them six months ago. Seibert - I'm still trying to find a way to afford MC and I agree with you about feelings of anger. My anger and resentment have been growing this entire time. After shtf day I walked out and didn't intend to come back until I felt I was ready. She begged me to come back, believed that if I was not with her I would end up hating her more and would never return. Since I knew I didn't want to divorce her I listened. I think coming back a week after the event has hurt us even more than if I had moved out for the past 6 months. Every morning has been me looking into the face of someone who ruined *forever* my ability to trust and love unconditionally, no matter who I am with in the future. It is difficult to look into that face without thinking about what she has done. My question about dating is not a question of revenge. I wonder if doing so would help me get over it by realizing that I still want her more than anything - or nailing the lid on the coffin by realizing that I don't. Either would be a welcome improvement. I have a strict, idealized sense of fairness that, after seeing the one person who I believed (with all my heart) would never, EVER give me cause to worry about fidelity cheat, tells me I should explore my options (dating) not because it's spiteful, but because it's fair since she got the chance to do the same. Is that kind of weird? This, as road said, is the anger phase. It's been simmering for quite a while now and can be pretty nasty. I do not know where the OM lives at this time - he moved just after WW told him she could never speak to him again and neither of us has any idea where he is. In my angriest moments this has been a good thing. Jail would not help me recover my marriage or my sanity. While I would very deeply like to put a bullet in the head of such vermin I know he is not worth going to prison for. I have his ex gf's contact info and, should I ever suspect in any way that WW was still in contact with him I could get his info from OM's ex and find out what's going on. I have his old phone numbers hidden and check our phone bills - they have not had contact. They met professionally. She played in a string quartet he was part of and later, when she started her own quartet, asked him to be a part of hers. This was about 5 months before their relationship began. I know when it began because there was nothing but "friendly" banter in the chats until that last month when it became more intimate. He tried to push the envelope numerous times before that but she always shut it down quickly. I had no idea that they were discussing anything other than string quartet business and counseling him through his breakup and until that last month that's about all it was. The hardest part of reading those transcripts was reading where she began to embrace and initiate the dirty talk, saying things that still make me pale with... I don't know... rage, jealousy, despair... kind of everything. I broke one of my fingers punching inanimate objects over the summer (not with her around, just trying to vent). Finding out through his ex-gf from the transcripts is probably the worst way I could have found out, although it does give me a reasonable assurance of knowing she is telling the truth on matters since it's easy to spot lies. I haven't read the transcripts since July - I knew we couldn't survive if I kept reading them. I can't see how a polygraph would help - it's not terribly accurate and she would be crying through the whole ordeal, which would set it off as well. Untouchable_Fire - She does still love me, very much, but like you said I'm worried that, no matter what she says, someday she may take the easy way out again. After all of our brutally honest, long talks, we both know what was wrong before, what is wrong with the other (that was one hell of a wake up call for both of us), and what we expect from the future. My brain tells me she won't, but my heart... well, as the subject says, it's pretty unforgiving. She still has a lot of baggage to work through and is looking at getting IC for it. My apologies to all - I'm very wordy, but I appreciate everything you have all told me so far. Letting go is not that hard, but dealing with all the emotions afterwards is very hard. People tell you to forget about it, etc… but they are not the ones who have to sleep with this on their mind. Sounds like your wife is sorry on some level and understands the moral issues. At least you’re not dealing with a huge cover up and lies. I know exactly what you’re going thorough. It gets easier with time but I don’t think it will ever go away. I don’t love (or even like) the person who did the same sh*t to me anymore, don’t ever want to have anything to do with the person and have a new person in my life but there is a lot of pain there. I spoke on the issue informally with a therapist and she said it’s perfectly normal to have these feelings as it’s a huge emotional trauma. Your wife stood up and took some responsibility and at least you can view her with some respect (even if it’s not much) which is huge. My ex continued the cover-up and lying almost a year after. It would be a huge relief to at least separate on good terms and not have any ill feelings towards one another, but to do that some sort of accountability needs to happen. It f*cks with you as a person and makes it much harder to trust people but what are you going to do. The therapist I talked to said my story was one of the worst she has heard, not because of what happened as it’s a common occurrence but because of the person who had the emotional affair doesn’t believe they are at any fault and continue to lie when caught red handed over and over. She said it’s some soft of a disease variation in itself, basically a mentally damaged person who won’t take responsibility for their actions. Sounds like your wife knows that morally she is at fault.
Author mcevil Posted October 26, 2009 Author Posted October 26, 2009 Katerina: Whenever I think about dating/sleeping with someone else I simply can't do it; I love my wife too much. The only reason I was thinking of it was that I thought it would be something that would work, would give me a reason to let go and move or let go and stay, depending on the outcome. It's nice to hear that it doesn't work I don't think I could ever do it to begin with. Eeyore: I hope for the same things. She says she's willing to meet with me on Wednesday to talk about us. I just want her to be happy - truly. I hope it can be with me.
Author mcevil Posted October 27, 2009 Author Posted October 27, 2009 She finally broke the silence yesterday to tell me it's over, that she doesn't have any will left to continue. She loves me, but all the spark, the life, is gone, and she's tried so many times in the past 6 months that she has nothing left. We're both different people now, people I truly believe could make each other happy and meet the other's needs. But I let anger, jealosy and pride get in the way for so long that it consumed us and what we had that was worth saving. I know how to be her husband now, but now it's too late. For any who ever find themselves in a similar situation: I believe counseling, both individual and marriage, would have saved us. It would have made me see what I wouldn't see until it was too late. She will be forever sorry for the pain she's caused me and hates who she is right now. She'll be getting counseling to learn to be herself and forgive herself, and eventually has said she wants to start dating again. She would like to remain friends - since we met 7 years ago, no matter what else was going on, we've always had that going for us. I think this might be possible, eventually. I will be starting counseling as well. The anger is gone, the anguish present but fading. Now begins the grief. Then I will try to move on with my life. I will try to rebuild myself into someone that deserves to be loved. If she ever changes her mind I will be there. I have absolutely no hope for that, however. I hope this can be of help to anyone else who ever finds themselves in a similar situation. Don't let it consume you. Don't wait until it's too late.
lkjh Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 Dude, She blame shifting. Your last post you threw out the being neglectful thing and now she "is to worn down" from the past 6 months. She is finding ways to take the blame off herself and put it on you. She wants a divorce because it erases what she did. Stop being so nice and emotional because otherwise 5 months from now she will convince you that the divorce has nothing to do with the affair but more of your actions. Most likely she is re-writing history when she says you have been neglectful
Blindsidedagainalive Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 All of your posts, the attitude, you briefly seperating....not SHE wants a divorce. IMO- She is continuing the affair. For most of my marriage (6 years) I've been neglectful, often ignoring my wife and causing her to feel as if she were alone. I've always been kind, caring, and loving to her (until recently) but in general pursued life as if I were an individual with a roommate he was married to. She's felt alone in her house when I'm sitting right next to her, and it's gone on for years. When she voiced concerns I only half listened, and she dropped it afterwards, thinking that I didn't care enough to address the concerns. This takes a toll after only a few months, but she lived with it for 5 years before finally having her affair. This puts you with 95% of the men out there. Were you beating her, womanizing, gambling your house away? Even those are not solid reasons to cheat. If she, the cheater, does not want to work on it...F her, let her go and seek her own happiness. Then 5 years down the road her new boyfriend won't be paying enough attention, and she will again look for outside validation. You give your wife too much credit, and not enough yourself. True, we are all somewhat neglectful in our relationships. This has nothing to do with cheating. Cheating has more to do with personal problems and self respect. This has NOTHING to do with you. You only CONTRIBUTED to a less than perfect marriage, as well as she did. Kick her (the cheater) off the pedestal, and put yourself on one. DO NOT VALIDATE HER REASONS TO CHEAT.....it's sneaky, lying, disgusting behaviour.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 27, 2009 Posted October 27, 2009 She finally broke the silence yesterday to tell me it's over, that she doesn't have any will left to continue. She loves me, but all the spark, the life, is gone, and she's tried so many times in the past 6 months that she has nothing left. We're both different people now, people I truly believe could make each other happy and meet the other's needs. But I let anger, jealosy and pride get in the way for so long that it consumed us and what we had that was worth saving. I know how to be her husband now, but now it's too late. If she actually cared about you... she would be willing to put in more than 6 months to make this right. Do you agree? For any who ever find themselves in a similar situation: I believe counseling, both individual and marriage, would have saved us. It would have made me see what I wouldn't see until it was too late. She will be forever sorry for the pain she's caused me and hates who she is right now. She'll be getting counseling to learn to be herself and forgive herself, and eventually has said she wants to start dating again. She would like to remain friends - since we met 7 years ago, no matter what else was going on, we've always had that going for us. I think this might be possible, eventually. How is this all your fault again? Why would you want to be her friend? Even my crappiest friends treat me with more love and respect than she treats you. Um... I think you should cut her off 100% for 6 months and move on. You can talk to her again when your over it. I will be starting counseling as well. The anger is gone, the anguish present but fading. Now begins the grief. Then I will try to move on with my life. I will try to rebuild myself into someone that deserves to be loved. If she ever changes her mind I will be there. I have absolutely no hope for that, however. I hope this can be of help to anyone else who ever finds themselves in a similar situation. Don't let it consume you. Don't wait until it's too late. You should be dancing down the hallway singing 'ding dong the witch is dead'! This is the best thing that could happen to you. Now you need to start working on protecting your assets in a divorce! GET A GOOD LAWYER!
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