Letting Go

[mcevil]

I've been reading these forums for quite a while and was hoping some of you could help me.

 

My wife an an emotional affair for a couple months that turned physical towards the end. It was never fully realized - they never went beyond "touching," which isn't terribly comforting when the video of what that involves begins to play over and over inside your head.

 

Perhaps the worst part is how I found out. The OM's girlfriend (ex at my wife's urgings, she had been his friend for months before that and knew he wasn't happy) came to me at work and told me about the affair. She had the OM's computer at her house (he had lived with his gf's parents until a week before) and gave me chat transcripts that described, in detail, what my wife and the OM had been doing and what they wanted to do in the future. There were over 200 pages.

 

I read them all.

 

I left her that night amidst her begging me not to divorce her. She had ended the affair a week earlier and has had no contact with him from our D-day forward. The next day I allowed her to come visit me and explain. While she explained I highlighted and read back to her every word that hurt on the transcripts. There were a lot. I also learned a lot about the things I had been lacking in as a husband over the past years and that, instead of telling me, she had chosen to bury until her emotional needs began to be filled by someone else. The physical followed.

 

She went to visit her parents for a week and when she came back I decided to try to work things out. I moved back in and we have been together since.

 

It's six months later right now. Things are not going well. I am not able to let go of what she has done. We have talked and talked about every detail of our feelings and problems, before, during, and after the affair. She hates herself for what she has done and is a genuinely different person now. I still cannot see her as anything other than the wife who cheated on me.

 

I still love her but cannot look at her without imagining the things I know happened. When I look at her I don't feel that "spark" that I used to feel. I am worried that it will never come back. The strain has been too much for us and we are now looking at separating at the end of this week.

 

How do I let go of this so we can be happy again? I still love her but am still so angry that I scream myself horse in the car when she's not around. I wonder if the separation would be a good thing, if maybe I should date and see if I come back to wanting to be with her forever? It worked for her, I don't know if it might for me as well. There's no one else I would rather be with, but I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what else to try.

 

We can't afford marriage counseling. We have worked out every aspect of our problems on our own, however (we both agree on this). The only limiting factor now is forgiveness, and I can find none to give.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want to move on - but can't.

[lkjh]

You are in a ruff spot. What has your wife had to sacrificed since the affair? If you are not making her work at your marriage(and I mean real work) then it will be hard to get over. She has to be 100% transparent. She can not be allowed to hide anything?

 

Also, how do you know that the affair never went all the way? You need to know all of the answers before you can move past this.

[mcevil]

She has not been allowed to hide anything since then. I have (and always have had, just never before used) access to all emails, phone records, etc., and even have her phone registered with Google Latitude so I can check where she is if I wish. I am certain they have had no contact.

 

As for them not going all the way - no I don't know for certain and that question will always haunt me. But everything in the transcripts I have says that they have not. She would not give me a blow by blow description in the beginning and now claims, when brought up, that she couldn't anyway because it has been such a long time. When I say that I mean specific, minute details - in general I know what happened on the few nights they had begun to become physical towards the end of their relationship. Those dates are confirmed on the transcripts, and so far everything has matched what she told me.

 

As for what she's sacrificed: every day has been an exercise in humility for her since then. While I haven't been trying to make her miserable, the way I look at her often makes her burst into tears and she has been described by those who don't know her in her classes (grad school) as the "unhappy girl." She has put up with being absolutely miserable for 6 months.

Edited October 19, 2009 by mcevil

[road]

Reveng affairs do not help to heal.

 

You are still married do not date. It will only make you a WH.

 

How did WW meet the OM?

 

How close to does the OM live?

 

At six months you are about to enter the anger phase. This phase can last up to six months. Try to sit tight and ride this phase out.

 

What have you and your WW been doing to recover?

[freestyle]

If you can't afford MC, there's a couple of books that may be helpful:

 

 

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was very helpful to me, it was laid out

 

very coherently, and was easy to read, it flowed well. The other book

 

I believe is entitled, "How to Survive An Affair" (don't quote me on the

 

title, it's early in the morning here). A Google search should give you the

 

accurate title and author. I have not read that one, but other posters

 

here have referred it many times.

 

It might be helpful if you and your wife read those together, and discuss

 

the content. The fact that she bursts into tears when she sees your pain

 

is actually a very good sign, IMO. It indicates that she feels true remorse

 

for her actions, and she acknowledges your pain.(that's not always the

 

case, based on some of the posts I've read here....)

 

i wish you all the best, reconciliation is a difficult and bumpy road, but

 

it is possible...............................hugs to you for your pain.............

[some_1]

You sound alot like me right now and I'm about 6 months along. I don't have the answers. We have alot of time invested into the relationship and I still love her. Do you have any kids?

 

I just try and focus on myself for now. Do something that makes you feel good and improves your self esteem like joining a gym. Work on those things that you feel you were lacking as a husband. Decide to strive to be a better person no matter the outcome.

 

Give yourself time. If you love her and she's worth it ... hang on.

[imagine]

It is necessary to the BS to have complete candour before moving on. I suggest a polygraph.

 

You need to know a full SWOT (strength, weakness, opportunities and threats) of your relationship. Your response is a lovebuster to any continued relationship and you need to know how to manage yourself -for ever. Let the polygraph be the opportunity to build up a new relationship, one of joint honesty.

 

Take this time of separation to evaluate whether you want to remain with her. If the answer is yes, revaluate your marriage. I recommend that you spend time reading the articles at Marriage builders. Find out what a POJA is all about, and learn how to implement boundaries.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

really? because my AP & his wife are making it. and he's till only told her lies.

[seibert253]

If you can't afford MC, there's a couple of books that may be helpful:

 

 

"Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass was very helpful to me, it was laid out

 

very coherently, and was easy to read, it flowed well. The other book

 

I believe is entitled, "How to Survive An Affair" (don't quote me on the

 

title, it's early in the morning here). A Google search should give you the

 

accurate title and author. I have not read that one, but other posters

 

here have referred it many times.

 

It might be helpful if you and your wife read those together, and discuss

 

the content. The fact that she bursts into tears when she sees your pain

 

is actually a very good sign, IMO. It indicates that she feels true remorse

 

for her actions, and she acknowledges your pain.(that's not always the

 

case, based on some of the posts I've read here....)

 

i wish you all the best, reconciliation is a difficult and bumpy road, but

 

it is possible...............................hugs to you for your pain.............

 

The first two books are MUST READS. I suggest you and your wife sit down togther everynight and read them together, outloud, to each other.

 

I know you said that MC is not an option because of the cash situation. But I will tell you this, and I tell you from experience; your anger and resentment will grow unless you have an outline on how to deal with it.

I was fine until about 6 monts out, and then BAMM, just like you, I couldn't deal with it. MC made all the difference. I really don't think my M would have survived without it.

If you love your wife and want to make this work, you need to do whatever it takes to accomplish this. Borrow money, take out a loan, (which is what I did), whatever it takes.

[Untouchable_Fire]

As for what she's sacrificed: every day has been an exercise in humility for her since then. While I haven't been trying to make her miserable, the way I look at her often makes her burst into tears and she has been described by those who don't know her in her classes (grad school) as the "unhappy girl." She has put up with being absolutely miserable for 6 months.

 

If your still not feeling it... then you should go on some dates.

 

Why put yourself through all this emotional turmoil for someone who doesn't love you, and you can't love in return. If OM's GF had not brought this to your attention... do you think your wife would have ever told you???

 

Listen, some people are just born cowards and liars... if she did not have the guts to talk to you about how the marriage was going before... she won't be able to do it now.

 

You owe it to yourself to go out there and look. You may change your mind about the marriage.

[mcevil]

I'm truly overwhelmed with how many have responded so quickly. Thank you! I'll try to address as many of the things asked as I can in one post:

 

We have no children. We are both 28 and have been married for 6 years. Our last anniversary was two months after shtf, so was not a happy occasion. The best times we have had since have been when we get away from everything - going to nearby cities to site see, nearby B&B's to be somewhere else other than the place that everything went wrong. We can't afford this often, though, so it's not a sustainable option for us to rely on to see us through.

 

Freestyle, I have ordered the two books you mentioned from Amazon. Thanks for those! I wish I'd known about them six months ago.

 

Seibert - I'm still trying to find a way to afford MC and I agree with you about feelings of anger. My anger and resentment have been growing this entire time. After shtf day I walked out and didn't intend to come back until I felt I was ready. She begged me to come back, believed that if I was not with her I would end up hating her more and would never return. Since I knew I didn't want to divorce her I listened. I think coming back a week after the event has hurt us even more than if I had moved out for the past 6 months. Every morning has been me looking into the face of someone who ruined *forever* my ability to trust and love unconditionally, no matter who I am with in the future. It is difficult to look into that face without thinking about what she has done.

 

My question about dating is not a question of revenge. I wonder if doing so would help me get over it by realizing that I still want her more than anything - or nailing the lid on the coffin by realizing that I don't. Either would be a welcome improvement. I have a strict, idealized sense of fairness that, after seeing the one person who I believed (with all my heart) would never, EVER give me cause to worry about fidelity cheat, tells me I should explore my options (dating) not because it's spiteful, but because it's fair since she got the chance to do the same. Is that kind of weird?

 

This, as road said, is the anger phase. It's been simmering for quite a while now and can be pretty nasty. I do not know where the OM lives at this time - he moved just after WW told him she could never speak to him again and neither of us has any idea where he is. In my angriest moments this has been a good thing. Jail would not help me recover my marriage or my sanity. While I would very deeply like to put a bullet in the head of such vermin I know he is not worth going to prison for. I have his ex gf's contact info and, should I ever suspect in any way that WW was still in contact with him I could get his info from OM's ex and find out what's going on. I have his old phone numbers hidden and check our phone bills - they have not had contact.

 

They met professionally. She played in a string quartet he was part of and later, when she started her own quartet, asked him to be a part of hers. This was about 5 months before their relationship began. I know when it began because there was nothing but "friendly" banter in the chats until that last month when it became more intimate. He tried to push the envelope numerous times before that but she always shut it down quickly. I had no idea that they were discussing anything other than string quartet business and counseling him through his breakup and until that last month that's about all it was. The hardest part of reading those transcripts was reading where she began to embrace and initiate the dirty talk, saying things that still make me pale with... I don't know... rage, jealousy, despair... kind of everything. I broke one of my fingers punching inanimate objects over the summer (not with her around, just trying to vent). Finding out through his ex-gf from the transcripts is probably the worst way I could have found out, although it does give me a reasonable assurance of knowing she is telling the truth on matters since it's easy to spot lies. I haven't read the transcripts since July - I knew we couldn't survive if I kept reading them.

 

I can't see how a polygraph would help - it's not terribly accurate and she would be crying through the whole ordeal, which would set it off as well.

 

Untouchable_Fire - She does still love me, very much, but like you said I'm worried that, no matter what she says, someday she may take the easy way out again. After all of our brutally honest, long talks, we both know what was wrong before, what is wrong with the other (that was one hell of a wake up call for both of us), and what we expect from the future. My brain tells me she won't, but my heart... well, as the subject says, it's pretty unforgiving. She still has a lot of baggage to work through and is looking at getting IC for it.

 

My apologies to all - I'm very wordy, but I appreciate everything you have all told me so far.

[freestyle]

Here's another nugget of advice- read the books together,but set limits on the amount of time you spend discussing the A, perhaps an hour every evening. It will be less overwhelming for both of you. And try to make time for 'fun' together if you can.

 

The books will help a lot........................

[mcevil]

Thanks again, Freestyle.

 

Thought of a couple other things that seem to stand in the way...

 

She is a musician (so am I) and since this affair came out of her quartet and the OM played the same instrument she did they had a lot to talk about in the first place. I can't really listen to her practice or go to her performances without becoming that lovely mix of depression, anger, frustration, despair, etc. She loves music and never intends to give it up (wouldn't want her to anyway) but the reminders of what happened fill my ears daily.

 

Her quartet is also a main source of income for us and isn't going away - she plays multiple weddings every weekend. The other quartet members told me she breaks down during the vows every time. She's played over 30 weddings since D-day. I hate it when she does anything with the quartet even though she kicked him out that same day and has never had him in it since (I've checked) because it reminds me of things that transpired.

 

Argh.

[Snowflower]

She does still love me, very much, but like you said I'm worried that, no matter what she says, someday she may take the easy way out again. After all of our brutally honest, long talks, we both know what was wrong before, what is wrong with the other (that was one hell of a wake up call for both of us), and what we expect from the future. My brain tells me she won't, but my heart... well, as the subject says, it's pretty unforgiving. She still has a lot of baggage to work through and is looking at getting IC for it.

 

 

Hi mcevil, I can completely understand your concern here...it is completely justified. I think every BS goes through this thought process...'well, what if something else goes wrong, will they (the WS) take the easy way out again?

 

I am at nearly 11 months past d-day in a marriage now that is largely recovered and so much better than it ever was pre-affair. I also worried a lot in the early stages, that what if something went wrong again...would my husband again take the easy way out? He is an avoider...I knew this to be true of him long before his affair and I think was one of the many things that led him to make such a disastrous choice. We DID have some ongoing serious issues in our marriage and rather than dealing with them constructively, he chose to avoid once again and have an affair.

 

My H is still an avoider but now he is completely self-aware. There are no guarantees in life but somehow, I believe that my H really learned from his bad decisions.

 

So I guess my best advice is this and I have been in your shoes...almost a year ago now...is that you will have to figure out if your wife is sincere about the changes she is willing to make and determine if her love for you is true. Sometimes people do the wrong things even though they should have known better. Do you think you will ever be able to forgive your wife?

 

Sure, you could 'dump her cheating azz' as is so often advised here on the forums and meet someone else...like that is the cure-all. But is there any guarantee that this new person absolutely will NOT cheat as well? Of course not...there are no guarantees in this life.

 

I came to the conclusion in my situation that although yes, my H showed me that he was capable of cheating on me...he also showed true remorse and repentance and extreme sorrow for what he did. I think he learned and grew from the experience. His experience with infidelity was not a happy one...I saw this with my own eyes. He was completely depressed and I didn't know why at the time. He was already living in his own personal h*ll and I didn't even know the truth yet.

 

And since my H was so unhappy with himself and with the bad choices that he had made...and most importantly has worked SO HARD to redeem himself in my eyes...I came to my own decision to give him another chance and trust him...at least a little bit. I figure, he has learned from his bad experience and will never repeat his actions. Of course, he has tried to reassure me from day one that this was the case but I had to figure it out myself.

 

If on the off chance that I am wrong and my husband cheats again, I am gone...or at least will be making the pragmatic decision to leave the marriage on my terms. And you know what, it gave me an odd feeling of control within myself when I came to that point. I can't control my H and any decisions that he makes but I can control my own decisions as a result.

 

Best of luck to you mcevil...what you're going through hurts but from what you post here it appears your wife is remorseful and is doing what it takes to earn your love and respect back. This is all good.

 

As an aside, about the MC...have you checked with the local mental health center about a free/low cost counseling? Many communities have resources such as these or can point you in the right direction. I really think a good MC/IC would help you and your wife tremendously.

[Snowflower]

 

Thought of a couple other things that seem to stand in the way...

 

She is a musician (so am I) and since this affair came out of her quartet and the OM played the same instrument she did they had a lot to talk about in the first place. I can't really listen to her practice or go to her performances without becoming that lovely mix of depression, anger, frustration, despair, etc. She loves music and never intends to give it up (wouldn't want her to anyway) but the reminders of what happened fill my ears daily.

 

Her quartet is also a main source of income for us and isn't going away - she plays multiple weddings every weekend. The other quartet members told me she breaks down during the vows every time. She's played over 30 weddings since D-day. I hate it when she does anything with the quartet even though she kicked him out that same day and has never had him in it since (I've checked) because it reminds me of things that transpired.

 

Argh.

 

The reminders, such as the music, will probably stay with you for a long time...but trust me, the pain will fade. It's sweet of you that you wouldn't even think of making her give up the music that she loves.

 

Since you are a musician too...perhaps there is a way you two could perform together somehow, maybe in a different way (not the quartet) but it could be the start of something new...I don't know.

 

As for her playing at the weddings and becoming upset when the vows are spoken every time...wow, this says something in my opinion...To me (as a woman), it says that your wife is realizing the importance of those vows and the promises that you two made to each other when you married. She is perhaps realizing over and over what she nearly lost and will forever see the importance of your marriage...in a different way than she would ever have before...IF her affair hadn't happened.

 

Personally, I think it is touching that she feels that strongly during the vows...it shows that those words mean something to her!

[delajoonal]

I've been reading these forums for quite a while and was hoping some of you could help me.

 

My wife an an emotional affair for a couple months that turned physical towards the end. It was never fully realized - they never went beyond "touching," which isn't terribly comforting when the video of what that involves begins to play over and over inside your head.

 

Perhaps the worst part is how I found out. The OM's girlfriend (ex at my wife's urgings, she had been his friend for months before that and knew he wasn't happy) came to me at work and told me about the affair. She had the OM's computer at her house (he had lived with his gf's parents until a week before) and gave me chat transcripts that described, in detail, what my wife and the OM had been doing and what they wanted to do in the future. There were over 200 pages.

 

I read them all.

 

I left her that night amidst her begging me not to divorce her. She had ended the affair a week earlier and has had no contact with him from our D-day forward. The next day I allowed her to come visit me and explain. While she explained I highlighted and read back to her every word that hurt on the transcripts. There were a lot. I also learned a lot about the things I had been lacking in as a husband over the past years and that, instead of telling me, she had chosen to bury until her emotional needs began to be filled by someone else. The physical followed.

 

She went to visit her parents for a week and when she came back I decided to try to work things out. I moved back in and we have been together since.

 

It's six months later right now. Things are not going well. I am not able to let go of what she has done. We have talked and talked about every detail of our feelings and problems, before, during, and after the affair. She hates herself for what she has done and is a genuinely different person now. I still cannot see her as anything other than the wife who cheated on me.

 

I still love her but cannot look at her without imagining the things I know happened. When I look at her I don't feel that "spark" that I used to feel. I am worried that it will never come back. The strain has been too much for us and we are now looking at separating at the end of this week.

 

How do I let go of this so we can be happy again? I still love her but am still so angry that I scream myself horse in the car when she's not around. I wonder if the separation would be a good thing, if maybe I should date and see if I come back to wanting to be with her forever? It worked for her, I don't know if it might for me as well. There's no one else I would rather be with, but I'm at the end of my rope and don't know what else to try.

 

We can't afford marriage counseling. We have worked out every aspect of our problems on our own, however (we both agree on this). The only limiting factor now is forgiveness, and I can find none to give.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I want to move on - but can't.

 

my H had an online EA for about 2/3 weeks...i busted them, called OW and her H, etc....they broke IT off.

my H ended up leaving anyway, after a 14 year long marriage and a child...8 months later, long story short...

just found out THEY, my H and the OW have been together THIS ENTIRE time.

 

how they hid it i have NO clue?....i mean they really went ALL out to hide this A.

 

now both my H and the OW have filed for D's.

 

i guess this prolly of no use to you..other than, don't be SO SURE THEY, are NOT still together????

 

cell phones have 'secret/hide' numbers and names now, especially ONE company inparticular, even MY cell phone has this feature....so i can have a million numbers and names on my cell and NO one would ever no it...and you can lock them too...so if someone by chance does find out, you need a code to unlock teh numbers and names.

 

also, my cell company does not show texting, NO numbers, NO names, NO messages...ONLY phone calls.

 

maybe do a bit more homework?

JUST to be SURE...like i said, when i found out over a month ago, that my H and his OW, had actually been together this entire 8 months..i literally dropped ot my knees...mostly from humiliation...then anger, and all those cruddy emotions...mostly i just could NOT believe how WELL they hid this A...

 

good luck!

Edited October 19, 2009 by delajoonal
spelling

[mcevil]

Thanks for the thoughts, Snowflower. Yes, she is profoundly sorry and wishes she had never even met OM, much less did what she had. I am certain of that. She also had put herself in a personal hell - she was often physicall ill and unable to sleep two weeks before D-day, one week before she broke it off. The physical part only lasted one week (confirmed in transcripts). This doesn't make me feel any better about it having happened, but I don't feel like I had been deceived without my knowledge for quite so long as I originally thought once I looked at the evidence.

 

Delajoonal, my WW is not tech savvy enough to do that. She didn't even know there was a Trash folder in her email until after I rifled through it on D-Day.

 

She also knows that I would divorce her the second I even had an inkling that she was in contact with him again. She knows I've been checking and that I'll continue to check and seems sincere enough in wanting to make this work to not do anything that would end it for sure.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Untouchable_Fire - She does still love me, very much, but like you said I'm worried that, no matter what she says, someday she may take the easy way out again. After all of our brutally honest, long talks, we both know what was wrong before, what is wrong with the other (that was one hell of a wake up call for both of us), and what we expect from the future. My brain tells me she won't, but my heart... well, as the subject says, it's pretty unforgiving. She still has a lot of baggage to work through and is looking at getting IC for it.

 

Hold the phone. She loves you... but not enough to stop her from cheating on you. Or did she love you less then?

 

I'm sorry to say this guy... but your aggressive, and she has issues dealing with that because she makes choices out of fear.

 

Also, whats the deal with her dragging in all the $$$? You have plans to fix that?

[stuckinoz]

If all of this bothers you so much, why are you still in the marriage?

 

It amazes me how many BS's come to LS & say they are going to WORK on the marriage, be IN the marriage, FORGIVE their spouse & still come here & complain & moan & groan about what their WS has done to them.

 

IF you make a decision to stay with your spouse that has cheated, why on earth continue to complain? IF you can't deal with what they have DONE TO you - then don't stay in the marriage.

 

Marriages ARE fixable after affairs -

[some_1]

If all of this bothers you so much, why are you still in the marriage?

 

It amazes me how many BS's come to LS & say they are going to WORK on the marriage, be IN the marriage, FORGIVE their spouse & still come here & complain & moan & groan about what their WS has done to them.

 

IF you make a decision to stay with your spouse that has cheated, why on earth continue to complain? IF you can't deal with what they have DONE TO you - then don't stay in the marriage.

 

Marriages ARE fixable after affairs -

 

 

 

Yeah, heaven forbid he act's like a human being who's been stabbed in the heart.

[stuckinoz]

I"m not saying that people don't have the right to grieve...to be upset....to be downright MAD about what's happened.

 

What I'm saying is those that make a conscious decision to STAY in a marriage & then just bitch about it! What's the point?

Either be in it & work to make it better (Both parties) or leave.

 

How can the constant complaining, constant questioning, constant EVERYTHING be a way to repair anything?

[mcevil]

Stuckinoz, the problem is not that I want to bitch about it. I know

what I want, and that's to reconcile what happened and find a way to move on. That's what I can't seem to do: I can't be in the room with her for more than a minute before thoughts of what she did come back and end up taking over. I can't look at her, hold her hand, or smell her without it coming back. How well would you fare living with someone whom you still loved and yet couldn't stand to sit next to without at least a foot separating you? It's never as simple as "do you want to fix it or not?"

 

Untouchable_fire - Her quartet is her only source of income. I would be fine financially on my own, she would not. That's the issue there. If I had said "to hell with you, you whore!" at the beginning and walked out like some people suggested it wouldn't be a problem, but I tend to care about people even after they don't deserve it.

 

Feeling this much anger and aggression is new to me and has never been directed at another person. I'm taking up kickboxing to try to do something useful with it. WW said she didn't know I had it in me to be passionate about anything and that she likes seeing it - I generally never showed much emotion before.

[stuckinoz]

Stuckinoz, the problem is not that I want to bitch about it. I know

what I want, and that's to reconcile what happened and find a way to move on. That's what I can't seem to do: I can't be in the room with her for more than a minute before thoughts of what she did come back and end up taking over. I can't look at her, hold her hand, or smell her without it coming back. How well would you fare living with someone whom you still loved and yet couldn't stand to sit next to without at least a foot separating you? It's never as simple as "do you want to fix it or not?"

 

 

It's never as simple as "do you want to fix it or not?"

I understand this completely. I know what it's like to be SO furious at your partner for something they did or are currently doing - for long periods of time that it's hard to think!

 

But, if you can't stand to be in the room with her - Perhaps separating from the situation could give you a clearer head on the situation. A new perspective. Maybe you could think! Instead of being so furious with her.

 

If she's being completely honest (& you check & know she is) then for you to stay so mad - well.......That's not a marriage. That's not a marriage in repair. That's no way to live.

Have you thought of just a temporary separation?

[mcevil]

We have been making plans for a separation during this last week. I'm set to move out next weekend. She feels guilty because she feels like she should be the one moving but I think I need the change of scene more.

 

Has temporary separation (planned) ever worked for anyone here on LS? The few people I've confided in have told me all the separations they knew of became permanent.

[confusedinkansas]

My 14 month separation was not permanent. (my separation was not because of infidelity but plenty of lying was going on for years before I left - by both of us)

 

We are back together (8 months now) & very happy. We are dealing with a great deal of "fall out" from being apart. Financially, it may literally bankrupt us.

 

So, in answer to your question - NOPE - all separations are not permanent. Just like, All marriages where a spouse cheated end in divorce. That's not true either. Every scenario is different.

 

You had made a concious decision to stay - but you still think of what happened 24/7. Can't do that. You should really try to find a way to actually Let It Go. (just like the title here Letting Go) AND, if you can't let it go - then that will tell you that it's time for you to move on.

 

I kind of feel for your wife though, you did tell her you'd stay & work on things - what made you change your mind? Sounds like she's doing everything you ask of her. Will there come a time when she is doing ENOUGH to appease you?

(I know this sounds harsh - just asking questions)