BW007 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It is a title to an old Squeeze song but it has turned out to be the truth in my case. All of my older positive feelings have turned negative and much of the good I saw in her was a big long lie. And I was the fool. Honestly, she poisoned the well with her lies and cheating and it took a very, very long time to not just take it all personally as an assault on everything about me. It destroyed how I felt about myself that someone I loved so much could be so evil and indifferent towards me. It took me so long to just believe this was really her being so crappy. Mostly, I believed she was a different, better person, I really did. I am not so idealistic that I don't understand that people split up sometimes, but this was something else, it was dishonesty and bull and cheating from someone who was good and on my side. I probably could have handled a normal respectful and honest breakup, but the way this one went down was like going through hell. Like 2 episodes of Cheaters without that Joey Greco douche. I believe that there will be a lot of people who will council me on the fact that anger or hate or whatever the hell it is that I am feeling these days (a lack of respect maybe) is negative and detrimental for me but I have to say, I think it is much more positive than directing all of that pain at myself along with blame for screwing up a really important relationship to me. It just about destroyed me.I fought against the reality that I desperately did not want for a very long time. I just couldn't face that she would be that bad a person to me. It just didn't make sense. Now, I admit my self esteem is still reeling after 6 months and I still miss her sometimes, but it has turned a bit more into a "F U if you are going to be like that" mentality. This is a better place to be for me. She burned out all the positive things I felt. I think the next step is complete indifference, which happens most of the time these days. I wonder why being cheated on like this is so destructive for some guys. Some people just seem to have the resources to recover immediately. Not me after a 5 year deal that I thought was going to last. I wonder how this post appears to you all. It is a snapshot in the process of being over it. I am very close to being done thinking about her forever, but there are some lingering feelings both positive and negative. But mostly I am sick of it all. How one dimensional and boring to be hung up on someone forever.
EricaH329 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It sounds to me like you are just going through the stages of healing. I know that the stages were very similar when I was going through them. It was denial (didn't think it was real, or going to last), anger (at first at myself, then switched completely onto him), and then finally acceptance (knowing it's over and actually being happy still). Indifference occured for a short amount of time in between each stage. I do back track once in awhile, but the amount of time that it happens is becoming less and less, so I know it'll be over soon enough. What really caught my attention was the title to this post. "If I didn't love you, i'd hate you." Completely sums up how I feel. I know this is tough, and it really really sucks... but know that you are healing, and this will be over soon. Not soon enough, I know, but stay positive and optimistic. I have no doubt that you'll be just fine!
Author BW007 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Hey Erica How is your story going? I always thought you were one of the coolest people on here and I wish you lived in my town. Didn't you break NC a little while ago? Say it aint so. Any more creepazoid co-worker dates? I wonder if my above post sounded negative to you? I am actually feeling better most of the time but I have been questioning the fact that I feel so negative about my x now. I know all the idealistic granola heads say you shouldn't feel the negativity, but I think at times in life it is denial to pretend you don't feel it. Ya know? I don't want to be a bitter person, but I am not going to pretend everything is all unicorns and rainbows and valiantly turning the other cheek. You have to live through your feelings I think.
EricaH329 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Hey Erica How is your story going? I always thought you were one of the coolest people on here and I wish you lived in my town. Didn't you break NC a little while ago? Say it aint so. Any more creepazoid co-worker dates? Awww that's so nice! Thank you!! Yeah, I did break NC. Dumb, dumb, dumb!! I thought I was a lot stronger than I actually was, took that huge leap into an area that was just screaming with danger, and ended up resorting to NC again. He just doesn't get it though, still contacts me. I updated my thread about it if you wanted to read more about it. No more creepy co-worker dates ! Thank goodness! I thought I had ruined my life for a second there I wonder if my above post sounded negative to you? I am actually feeling better most of the time but I have been questioning the fact that I feel so negative about my x now. I know all the idealistic granola heads say you shouldn't feel the negativity, but I think at times in life it is denial to pretend you don't feel it. Ya know? I don't want to be a bitter person, but I am not going to pretend everything is all unicorns and rainbows and valiantly turning the other cheek. You have to live through your feelings I think. I think that feeling the way you are right now is completely normal. At first, you tend to notice the things that you did wrong (or thought you did wrong) and are angry and negative towards yourself. All that's happening now, is you are redirecting your anger towards where it should be. You have every right to be upset!! Hell... i'm upset and my ex didn't cheat on me! If he would have, i'd be livid!! I think, at some point down the road, years from now... there shouldn't be the negative feelings you are having now. But, for now, the negative feelings are actually (in my opinion) not only healthy, but beneficial. You see the relationship for what it actually was, and are learning from it. It's better than having no feelings at all about it. I mean, could you imagine? Living your life not feeling anything, ever? I'm rambling , i'm extremely glad to hear that you are doing well!!!
Author BW007 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Here is a link to a great old Squeeze song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kuBEmlO9q8&feature=related
EricaH329 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I can totally see myself seriously jamming out to this song after i've been drinking
Author BW007 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I am totally curious as to what your haloween costume that is pissing your ex off is going to be. The best revenge is to have much more fun right?
EricaH329 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I am totally curious as to what your haloween costume that is pissing your ex off is going to be. The best revenge is to have much more fun right? I'm actually having fun because, well, it's fun! I'm going to be a nurse. Nothing to risque though. Everything will be fully covered. The doorman at my job is going as a doctor and I thought it'd be cute if I went as a nurse . I'm a dork! He did not like the idea of me being a nurse on halloween. He actually told me that it pissed him off! And then he went on to say that I am "intentionally" making him mad. Yeah, since that is the goal I wake up with everyday. Give me a break!
Author BW007 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Go all out. Sexy nurse! Thigh High stockings and the whole 9 yards. What right does he have to mess with you like that. Are you supposed to act like a nun? It sounds like you are backsliding a bit and you need more NC because he is trying to control you. For real.
EricaH329 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Ahhh... no no no, i'm not holding back by any means because of him. I want to stay covered because of the fact that I don't want old drunk guys hanging all over me all night ! It has absolutely nothing to do with him. If it did, I would go out naked (not really, but you get the point).
Author BW007 Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I get that. Here is another old squeeze song. They actually were a great old band.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUA7F9j_xzs&feature=related
EricaH329 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 That was totally weird. I clicked on the link and it crashed my browser. I'll have to check it out when my computer isn't being weird.
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