when to give up on a break? (warning: way too long)

[germain]

About a month or so ago, my girlfriend decided that we really weren't happy in the relationship (which was true) and it was time to step back and give ourselves some time to look at things - or at least this is how I interpreted it. So she told me she wanted a "break". I didn't take it too well initially but quickly apologized about my reaction the following day and agreed that this would be the best for the both of us.

 

I gave her the space she wanted and the last thing I had told her is that she knows where I am if she wanted to talk. That was over a month ago and I had heard nothing since. A close friend of hers contacted me a few times, asking how I was, about my work prospects and just being friendly (which I assume made its way back to her), but that was the extent of any sort of communication with that side of my life.

I was a wreck the first week or so, but things suddenly started getting much better in other areas of my life. After 3 or 4 months without a job, I had offers practically flying at me. I also started meeting up with old friends, and even came into contact with a girl I had previously dated, but never got too serious with.

 

I've been spending quite a bit of time with this girl lately, and it helps to get my mind off of things. I sense a bit of romance starting to develop (very strongly on her side), but I have kept things friendly so far. She is a lot of help right now and very encouraging as far as having me get out socially again, giving me tips and inquiring about my interviews, basically just going out of her way to make sure I'm doing well. She knows my girlfriend and I aren't technically together (even though I don't go into details) and I think she hopes I will act on the feelings that we share (and we have even briefly discussed), but I've been keeping my distance. She seems patient for now, which is good.

 

But she can't make me forget my girlfriend completely. I still love her so much. It's only been a month after all. And I suppose if this were anything like the other break-ups I had been through in the past, I would be seeing things a bit differently and this decision would be a lot easier, but it's not.

 

My girlfriend is a very passive person and a terrible communicator - things that I think are due to her insecurities. In the relationship this obviously hurts because she doesn't tell me her feelings about things, seems passionless about life and me, and just seems to be on auto-pilot in her life. And at times it seems that I'm putting all of the work into the relationship even though she does try and I show my appreciation for it.

I think a lot of our problems dealt with the way I express my unhappiness about all of this - nagging her, frequently showing frustration, going short periods of not calling/initiating contact with her. There is obviously a lot more to it, but I've always thought that these insecurities are just something you grow out of eventually. It's hard to abandon someone I care so much about for something like this. Especially considering I was somewhat like this when I was her age (20/21).

 

After spending the last few weeks with this other girl, I'm starting to see a lot of qualities I wish my girlfriend had (her assertiveness, she puts forth a lot of effort into our relationship - it never seems one-sided as with my girlfriend).

That coupled with the fact that my girlfriend hasn't made any attempts to talk with me directly (especially about issues like: how long the break should last? should we communicate? should we date others?) the last month+ is making it really difficult to not act on these emotions I have.

 

Even though the other girl seems great, she does have her faults and deep down I feel that even if my girlfriend were out of the picture, we probably wouldn't work in a serious relationship. She lacks a lot of my girlfriends positive qualities such as a religious background (something I don't particularly share as strongly as her but greatly respect), more modesty in terms of dating (incredibly important), and our personalities seem a lot more in-tune with one another. Plus of course there is the history that we have together - some bad, some good but all a huge part of my life.

 

I finally "caved" and made an attempt to communicate with my girlfriend the other day. I sent her an e-mail and kept things friendly and just asked about her school/work/general happenings in life and briefly mentioned some of the positive things going on with me. She responded with what seemed like a bit of excitement about hearing from me, but nothing that made me too excited, other than the fact that she seems to be doing well herself.

 

I'm lost and confused and honestly don't expect anyone to read this. Sometimes I wonder if my girlfriend intended the break to be a permanent one, and just hoped to gradually slip into that state avoiding any major confrontation. The fact that she didn't contact me despite me putting the ball in her court and never made any attempts to set any "rules" of the break lead me to this idea. But then again, she is so passive and such a terrible communicator, I wouldn't be surprised if she just couldn't make herself talk about it with me.

I sort of want to give it a shot with this other girl. She makes me feel really good about myself and seems to really enjoy having me in her life as I do her. And I definitely don't want to miss out on something that could be great despite my initial fears about her.

 

I'm thinking about trying to keep the communication up with my girlfriend but keeping things superficial for now. Yet at the same time, I feel like if we are on a genuine break, we need to address some of the "rules". After a month it's hard for me to find a way to bring it up without basically sounding like "it's now or never".

But I can only imagine how terrible I would feel if I had waited all this time for her, only to find out she was interested in someone else, while also potentially blowing my chances with this other person I'm starting to grow a great bond with.

[EricaH329]

Wow, a month?! You've been on a 'break' for a month?? That's really the only thing that kept going through my mind. I've never experienced anything like that before. I went on a 'break' a couple of times with my most recent ex... but nothing more than a few days. I think that a month is more than enough time to have figured out what needs to be done to either work towards making the relationship better and stronger, or to leave it behind.

 

Honestly, do you really want to be with a girl that still doesn't know if she wants to be with you after a month?? That sounds a little rediculous to me, no offense!!

 

Also, with this new girl, I noticed you were comparing her to your ex. Ahhh!! Never do that! You'll always find a reason why a girl isn't 'good' enough if you continue to do that. This should be a great opportunity for you to open your eyes to trying different things. Being with different people. You'd be surprised at how well you adapt once you allow yourself the change.

 

IMO, I would simply send your ex an e-mail explaining that a month is long enough to think things through. If she doesn't have somewhat of an answer for you, i'd let her know that you aren't going to waste your time sitting around waiting anymore. You need to live your life too!! Afterall... in the end, it's only going to be you. Whether you did everything you could to make yourself happy. This isn't making you happy. Time for a change!

 

Good luck! And keep us posted!

[boogieboy]

Germain, heres the sorry truth, a break means "break up" in a gentle way.

 

Your ex will never want to be with you again, she was just to cowardly to tell you so. She probably broke up with you to be with someone else, which is why you havent heard from her.

 

Do not update her on whats going on with you, let her come asking. Women generally dont move backwards, so you will not have a relationship with you again. It sucks, but for some reason she wanted to keep you hanging on by telling you that its not completely over, when in her mind it is. If you go around this board searching, you will find that cowardly excuse "lets take a break" is extremely common, and is the dumpers ignorant way of letting you down gently. So what you need to do is concentrate on the new girl so you can forget about your ex forever, she lied to you and isnt worth your thoughts.

[EricaH329]

Your ex will never want to be with you again, she was just to cowardly to tell you so. She probably broke up with you to be with someone else, which is why you havent heard from her.

 

The assumptions made in this statement alone is absurd. I highly respect your opinion boogie, but don't you think that's a little rediculous?

 

"Your ex will never want to be with you again..." No one can determine that. Not even her. That's a little far-fetched.

 

"She probably broke up with you to be with someone else..." Again, that's a little over the top. There could have been a million reasons as to why she wanted to take a break. From what Germain stated, it seems as though the problems in the relationship were enough of a reason.

[boogieboy]

The assumptions made in this statement alone is absurd. I highly respect your opinion boogie, but don't you think that's a little rediculous?

 

"Your ex will never want to be with you again..." No one can determine that. Not even her. That's a little far-fetched.

 

 

Erica, its been stated time and time again on this board of how women generally dont move backwards when they do the breaking up, and to not count on it. Its exremely rare..You know this, youve done it.

 

Also, when you decide to get back with your former fiance, you can prove me wrong.

 

But its irresponsibe to lead this guy into hoping for a reconciliation, when in reality he should be moving on. Giving him false hope is just as bad as the lie of "lets take a break".

[EricaH329]

Erica, its been stated time and time again on this board of how women generally dont move backwards when they do the breaking up, and to not count on it. Its exremely rare..You know this, youve done it.

 

I never said to count on it. I would never recommend anyone to hang onto the hope that someone might come back. I simply said that it's too great of an assumption to say that she will never want to come back.

 

Although, if she does, I wouldn't jump back into it. There are obviously problems in this relationship that need working out before any talk of getting back together should be done.

 

Also, when you decide to get back with your former fiance, you can prove me wrong.

 

I would get back with him if he changed who he was. But that's rediculous. And I would never expect that of anyone. The reason why we cannot be together is something that can not be 'talked' out.

 

This situation is different. Seems as though communication is the main problem.

 

But its irresponsibe to lead this guy into hoping for a reconciliation, when in reality he should be moving on. Giving him false hope is just as bad as the lie of "lets take a break".

 

Again, never once said that he should hold onto that hope. I was actually opting in the other direction. That he should continue is life the way that makes him happy. And he's obviously not happy right now.

 

We are both pushing him in the same direction, we are just going about it differently.

[looking4 green grass]

After a month she should know what she wants. I believe that is more than enough time to figure things out. Instead of emailing her, call her, and talk about it (it's easy to misconstrue feelings through writing). If she gives you the run around, put it behind you and see what this new girl has to offer.

 

And I second whoever said stop comparing the new girl to the old gf. That always ends badly!

[SoulSearch_CO]

After a month she should know what she wants. I believe that is more than enough time to figure things out. Instead of emailing her, call her, and talk about it (it's easy to misconstrue feelings through writing). If she gives you the run around, put it behind you and see what this new girl has to offer.

Totally agree.

 

Although, personally - I'd rather be with somebody that makes me feel good about myself (the new GF) than somebody that makes me constantly question, need to nag, try to pull out of their shell, etc (the old GF).

 

It's interesting...I never realized what a different person I would be in one relationship compared to another. I didn't like who I was becoming in the marriage with my XH. I thought I would always be like that and was actually kind of scared to get into a new R with a new guy. But when I gave it a shot, I wasn't the same at all. You'd be amazed at how much better you feel when you're not having to beg somebody to love you.

[germain]

First of all, thanks for the replies and for actually taking the time to read what I wrote. This seems like a good community, and hopefully I can return some kind words to another here sometime.

 

I decided to take a bit of everyone's advice and asked her to meet. It's probably not the message that she wanted to receive (or maybe it is?), but after the time we've been together, I feel she at least owes me this. I'd just like to get most this taken care of and things ended properly, so I'm not sitting here, still pining over this girl I care a lot about if she's not feeling the same way anymore. I probably won't go digging for any other reasons like whether or not there is another guy for instance, but I will definitely share my thoughts and ask her thoughts on the break and the future of the relationship.

 

I think there are so many problems with the relationship right now and I'm not sure I would be willing to just drop my emotional progress and put myself back into the same old rut we had, we were unhappy after all and something needed to change. But at the same time I want to make sure that she sees no future and there truly is nothing else to be done before I decide to move on with another girl.

 

I suppose the question is whether or not we are willing to work at it - hopefully a decision we can come to together assuming she accepts my invitation for a talk. I'll have my answer either way. Any other tips, suggestions?

[boogieboy]

Be forewarned Germain...

 

If she is the type of person to break up with you in her mind, but not let you know, she might be the type of person that tries to keep you hanging on by telling you she might see a future but she still has to think. So I predict she wont give you a definite no. I think to save yourself any mixed feelings to leave her alone and do not meet with her. Closure comes from you, not her. I think she will most likely not tell you anything you want to hear, and at this time, none of her answerss will be good enough for you.

 

Mostly what I really want to tell you is this...even if she says she sees a future, keep in mind that she might not be telling the truth...she doesnt want to tell you that its completely over because she cannot deal with the guilt. Thats a possibility, so keep that in mind.

[germain]

Be forewarned Germain...

 

If she is the type of person to break up with you in her mind, but not let you know, she might be the type of person that tries to keep you hanging on by telling you she might see a future but she still has to think. So I predict she wont give you a definite no. I think to save yourself any mixed feelings to leave her alone and do not meet with her. Closure comes from you, not her. I think she will most likely not tell you anything you want to hear, and at this time, none of her answerss will be good enough for you.

 

Mostly what I really want to tell you is this...even if she says she sees a future, keep in mind that she might not be telling the truth...she doesnt want to tell you that its completely over because she cannot deal with the guilt. Thats a possibility, so keep that in mind.

 

I can see that possibly being a problem. Perhaps there is a way I can get around this? I would assume that if she wasn't willing to be open and talk about this, she wouldn't agree to meet me, and would probably just drop all communication. That would seem easier. But it's definitely something to consider after we speak with one another.

 

Another thought is that I probably will let her know that I'm willing to stick around only if we're actually doing something positive together towards making the relationship work. The break will end one way or another.

Edited October 19, 2009 by germain