bananapajamas Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I need help. I need an ear to rant into that isn't connected to my fiance or anyone in our group of friends, which happens to be all of my friends. The story, in a nutshell: My fiance slept with my best friend. Then they did it again two days later. My fiance told me about it about a week after it happened. After much thought, I decided that I needed to forgive them both, because I felt that they were genuinely sorry for what they had done, and they are both important to me. I didn't want to lose either of them. That said...It's easier said than done to forgive something like this. It's been a couple of months, now, and still I sometimes want to scream, or be violent, or to call both of them horrible names...Sometimes, I just cannot keep myself from thinking they're continuing to sneak behind my back. I find myself struck with a paralyzing fear that makes it hard for me to even breathe. How do I get over this? How do I ignore that fear, and truly believe in him like I tell myself I need to? How do I get rid of the panic attacks? The biggest question is, though...How do I get my self esteem back?
bluegreen12 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 How do I get over this? How do I ignore that fear, and truly believe in him like I tell myself I need to? How do I get rid of the panic attacks? The biggest question is, though...How do I get my self esteem back? The questions you need to ask yourself are: 1) How can I continue to call this "man" my fiance? 2) How can I ever trust him again with any woman? 3) How can I spend the rest of my life with him? 4) How can I love and respect him ever again? 5) How can I make this cheater the father of my future children? 6) How can I walk down the isle with him happily? 7) How can I still be friends with a girl who would do that to me? 8) How can I called such person my friend? 9) How can I ever share anything with her again? 10) How can I ever confide in any of these two ever? Answer those honestly and calmly make some rational decision as to what to do with toxic people in your life.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 im sorry that you are hurting. i think its normal for the bad thoughts to creep back in and invade your happiness. but he chose YOU and thats what matters. he wouldnt have picked you if YOU were not what he wanted.
bluegreen12 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 im sorry that you are hurting. i think its normal for the bad thoughts to creep back in and invade your happiness. but he chose YOU and thats what matters. he wouldnt have picked you if YOU were not what he wanted. What? What if he choose another woman for a night two years down the road? What if he choose another woman for a weekend and then come home and gives her STDs? Are you saying that she should be happy that a cheater choose her?
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 yes i think she should be. im an OW. i know what its like to be the one who he didnt pick. he chose her for a reason. she was obviously more to him. that says something.
bluegreen12 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 yes i think she should be. im an OW. i know what its like to be the one who he didnt pick. he chose her for a reason. she was obviously more to him. that says something. Why do you expect so little for yourself? Do you think there are things you can do to improve your selfesteem?
road Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Banana To keep an affair restarting their must be NC forever between the AP's, your friend and fiance. You must postpone your marriage because you need to take six months time to be able to process what has happaned so you can make a good decision. I vote for and hope you agree that keeping a friend that would sleep with you guy is bad. This is why you are going crazy. Your gut knows it's not right to keep her in your life. Also I say the same about your fiance. Your fiance cheated at the height of his love and attraction to you. This evidence points out as other's that have cheated during their engagement. They will be serial cheaters. I wish I had a dollar for every BS that has posted. Where their WS is having and affair, again, the first time was when they were engaged or the first year of the marriage. Listen to your gut, it's correct, dump the boyfriend also.
Author bananapajamas Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 I'm not looking for advice to leave him. I've already made my decision about that, and none of you are going to change my mind. He is a GOOD man, and this is the first time he's ever done anything like this. He was truly remorseful, and I believe him when he says it will never happen again. And don't tell me "once a cheater, always a cheater," because I've been there, too. I cheated in a past relationship, and I've never done it again. I prove that rule wrong, and I believe he will, as well. I don't want advice on whether to stay with him or not. I want advice on how I get over the bad feelings that keep plaguing me. I've already forgiven him (and her, too, for that matter). I just want to be free of the anger and suspicion, now.
silktricks Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I'm not looking for advice to leave him. I've already made my decision about that, and none of you are going to change my mind. He is a GOOD man, and this is the first time he's ever done anything like this. He was truly remorseful, and I believe him when he says it will never happen again. And don't tell me "once a cheater, always a cheater," because I've been there, too. I cheated in a past relationship, and I've never done it again. I prove that rule wrong, and I believe he will, as well. I don't want advice on whether to stay with him or not. I want advice on how I get over the bad feelings that keep plaguing me. I've already forgiven him (and her, too, for that matter). I just want to be free of the anger and suspicion, now. I also do not believe in the "once a cheater....etc..." and since you've already decided to forgive both of them, I won't give you the advice that I first intended... but deciding to forgive and actually forgiving are two different things. The anger and suspicion and panic attacks you are experiencing is (I believe) because you've decided to forgive, but are not yet actually able to do so. Once you've really forgiven, the panic and suspicion pretty much is gone... So, I'm going to give you information/suggestions that you didn't actually ask for. First... it's very early days for you. Recovering from infidelity takes time... average is two years. You are attempting to recover from infidelity from two people at the same time - your friend and your fiancee.. that makes it even more difficult. They also betrayed you twice... more difficult yet. There are some very good books out there about recovering from infidelity, I cannot recall them off hand, but one of them is named something like After the Affair...??? They're usually mentioned all over LS, so I'm certain that someone will be able to come up with the names for you. Anyway, I'd suggest that you and your fiancee together read them. Granted he didn't have an "affair" per se, but the information will still be valuable for you. Learning to trust again is difficult. The only thing that worked for me was testing and re-testing to verify that everything that he said to me post D-Day was true. If anything was ever "off" it was a reset to zero in the trust department. Since I don't trust very easily anyway, that part took a llloonnggg time for us. Like you said about your fiancee, my husband is a good man who made a bad bad mistake. But it still was very difficult. Have you had a good in depth discussion of exactly how the situation happened - especially twice?? If you aren't fully aware of what led to their infidelity, it has more probability of leaping up and biting you in the a$$ in the future. Not because it would happen again, but because not knowing what led to it can make every situation fearful for the future. One suggestion I MUST give you is - don't marry until you are truly sure that you can actually forgive your fiancee. Most of us want marriages to be for life. You do not want to commit to spending the rest of your life with someone you later find you cannot actually forgive, and going into a marriage with the possibility of divorce lurking in the background is not a good opening. Good luck to you.
bluegreen12 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I'm not looking for advice to leave him. I've already made my decision about that, and none of you are going to change my mind. He is a GOOD man, and this is the first time he's ever done anything like this. He was truly remorseful, and I believe him when he says it will never happen again. And don't tell me "once a cheater, always a cheater," because I've been there, too. I cheated in a past relationship, and I've never done it again. I prove that rule wrong, and I believe he will, as well. I don't want advice on whether to stay with him or not. I want advice on how I get over the bad feelings that keep plaguing me. I've already forgiven him (and her, too, for that matter). I just want to be free of the anger and suspicion, now. If you choose to stay with a cheater, suspicion, anger, resentment, etc. are the consequences of your choice.
RedDevil66 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 To be honest, you never truly get over it. Well unless you are not in the relationship and in that case, you eventually forget. Not saying to leave him, but there really is no way to forget. Amnesia maybe!
Skump Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 I want advice on how I get over the bad feelings that keep plaguing me. At the moment, that's just about saying that you want advice on how to shut off your faculty of reason. Those feelings are so awful and implacable in large part because they're justified. The corollary here, is that overcoming these feelings (to whatever extent possible) depends on having a romantic relationship in which they're less justified. Therein lies the problem. Unless I've misunderstood, you want to maintain an active friendship with this other woman while trying to repair your shattered relationship with your fiance. As I see it, those are irreconcilable ends. To begin excavating the grounds for suspicion, your husband (and thus, really, you) will have to go zero contact with this woman. If you actually believe you can ever trust those two being alone together again, I think you're kidding yourself; and if you can't trust them to be alone together, that means those two must always be chaperoned, which is just a tacit admission of prevailing suspicion. Don't misunderstand me: In an abstract sense, I think your desire to forgive is admirable. Unfortunately, while simple forgiveness of your friend and fiance is possible, I don't think it's possible for you to be fiance/husband to him and friend to her while having a successful relationship free of suspicion.
beyondsad Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 It has been 13 months since I chose to give him a second chance and it has been pure hell. There is not a day that I don't think about it and it wasnt with my best friend but it was with someone who lives in our town. My advice to you is to not marry him I know you love him and he is sorry but it eats at your soul. My H has done everything he can to try to make it better and it hasn't worked. After making love he turns to me and says he loves me and all I can think about is - is he lying , was he thinking of that whore and why am I here. It is just always there unspoken apart of who we are as a couple now. Sorry for the negative thoughts but I have tried so hard to get over his infidelity but unless I can have a surgery to actually remove it from my soul I don't think it is ever going to be ok. It sucks so bad but it is what it is. I think it is worse when you have to see the person on a regular basis that F'd your husband!! I wish you luck and I am giving myself a little more time but in my heart I don't know if I can stick it out much longer. Infidelity is that persons true character coming out. The temptaion is there for all of us. I know when the thought crossed my mine and the oppurtunity was there I chose NO I wouldn't cross that line. Alot of good it did me!!
65tr6 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 and they are both important to me. I didn't want to lose either of them. You must loose your "best friend" no matter what. You and your fiance can never have any contact with that person again. Dont marry him until you are ready. Can take anywhere from few months to several years. You are still hurting very badly from this. Take your time to heal, recover yourself first.
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