Effort

[sampowers]

Reading the postings on this board this past month or so has been so helpful.

 

Was thinking about effort, how some say its got to be a 50 50 split of effort from both in a relationship. Others say it has to be 100 percent from both.

 

Maybe it just has to be 'an equitable' amount of effort on the parts of the two involved?

 

And maybe if you have more interest and put more effort into the relationship by being very available or very giving than the other person involved, you are actually blocking that person from doing exactly what you want, to make more of an effort for you.

 

There is a great book called The Social Animal - used in a lot of sociology and psychology classes. The author, Elliot Aronson, writes that if you want to strengthen the bonds between you and someone else you should ask him or her to do things for you.

 

He reasons that when we do something for someone, when we put ourselves out there for someone, we have to justify to ourselves why we did it. And when we do that. we confirm and strengthen our commitment to that person, because we say to ourselves I am doing this because I value this person

 

Each succeeding effort strengthens this notion and bit by bit you become more valued in their eyes.

 

 

We talk about history and long term relationships If you wonder why those who are married stay, one reason might likely be because they have made investments so many times with that person. Making dinner, running errands, picking up dry cleaning, stopping off for a gallon of milk.. all those little day to day favors they have done for their partner has made them question and justify why they do it.

 

So to anyone in any kind of relationship I would suggest that rather than always trying to have the least impact on your loved one's life in order "to not be a bother", you will actually create deeper ties to someone by getting them to make efforts for you.

 

Not saying we should set ourselves up for a fall by asking for the moon, but not to be afraid to ask for some effort... let your loved one deepen their love for you through effort.

 

This spills over into the idea of not always being so available. How can they miss you if you are always available? I think its important to sometimes not be available. Do not always answer the phone. And do have an interesting life... Would you rather be with someone who pines and sits around sad and crazy, or with someone who has friends and outside activities and makes the most of what they can have, even if its not exactly as they would want in a perfect world? I know who I would choose.

 

I guess I would just say that I think its important to not lose the now wishing for a dream. Keep the door open, make a serious effort to do things that are good for you and your future. That make you laugh, Don't lose the now pinning your dreams on a hope. Go and live! That is the most attractive thing you can do.

Edited October 18, 2009 by sampowers

[datura_noir]

I would say that this theory works well in a marriage/commited relationship between two people, but in an affair, it is an invalid notion. Because the affair partner will always try to give more, and be cautious to ask for more; and the straying partner has two people giving and asking to give. Just not a great dynamic.

[White Flower]

I would say that this theory works well in a marriage/commited relationship between two people, but in an affair, it is an invalid notion. Because the affair partner will always try to give more, and be cautious to ask for more; and the straying partner has two people giving and asking to give. Just not a great dynamic.

Effort will go a long way in any R but you are right, the dynamic is a difficult one to overcome from the outset but I wouldn't say that an affair is an invalid notion since a notion is an idea, view, or concept. In other words, it is what the beholder wants it to be.

 

Having said that, effort can make or break an A. When I began pulling back it was my MM who jumped in and offered to do things for me such as working on my car of fixing things in my house. I never asked him to do it and was astonished when he offered because I think we all tend to see MMs as being very selfish and self-centered.

 

I will agree with the OP that it has created a bond I didn't see coming. Dare I say I might even feel guilty for ending our R because he might feel that I used him since he's done so many wonderful things for me? It's kind of like a M in that respect. It was mentioned in another thread that oftentimes we refuse to relinquish our hold on someone due to altruistic reasons. IOW, we feel that by staying (usually a MM with his W) we are being altruistic--benefitting someone due to our guilt--because they have done so much for us like giving birth to our children or working while we studied or trained for a job. In the same regard, I might feel guilty for ending an A due to all the work MM has put out for me.

 

Interesting dynamic to say the least.

[Ronni_W]

The author, Elliot Aronson, writes that if you want to strengthen the bonds between you and someone else you should ask him or her to do things for you.

He reasons that when we do something for someone, ... we have to justify to ourselves why we did it. ... we confirm and strengthen our commitment to that person, because we say to ourselves I am doing this because I value this person

IMO. Sounds great on paper but seldom looks like that in real life. Too many people do things for others out of fear of rejection/abandonment and/or because they are fixers, pleasers or whatever else maladaptive.

So, more often than not, the self-justification is "because I need this person" -- we only confirm our neediness, which ends up 'strengthening' our fear, resentment, guilt; and leads us to ignore own needs, wants and limits, and feel pressured to meet the other's requests/demands and perceived expectations.

 

Overall and in general, I can't see the 'strategy' working any better in an affair relationship than a non-affair one, to be honest.

[Jacky]

Effort is important for all R because is required to sustain a R. In an A, effort is probably required more from both says of the party because there will be disagreement and promises which may not come true. Both couples giving effort to the M would usually make the M perfect and As will not happen. However that isn't the case, a lot people just get into the comfort zone and just cannot be bothered anymore. This is when I think the relationship turns stale. At that point if the effort is still not put into M, is your own fault for the M or R to fall apart.

[White Flower]

Effort is important for all R because is required to sustain a R. In an A, effort is probably required more from both says of the party because there will be disagreement and promises which may not come true. Both couples giving effort to the M would usually make the M perfect and As will not happen. However that isn't the case, a lot people just get into the comfort zone and just cannot be bothered anymore. This is when I think the relationship turns stale. At that point if the effort is still not put into M, is your own fault for the M or R to fall apart.

So true. When my M became stagnant I got out. Whenever I fear that any R I am in, whether it be with a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or a cousin is on the verge of becoming stagnant I will remind them that it takes two to make a relationship work and that we BOTH need to put in some effort.

 

With regard to As, yes, sometimes it seems to require more work and more commitment. When it works, it can be quite amazing. Too bad it all has to be secretive because the accomplishments are worthy of bragging rights.