J-Dad Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 So I started NC a couple of days ago but had some issues with it. I am not going to call unless it regards the children, but what do I do when she calls and wants to "talk" about us? Part of the 180 says that I need to move on, but I want to work with her to get back together. She said we were going to have date nights, whether this bears out or not remains to be seen. If we have these date nights how does that go with the 180? I need to move on but still stay focused on the ultimate goal, reconcilation. I have done what I am "supposed" to do so far, no whining, arguing or clinging. But I dont want to come off as cold or mean. I dont want to blow her off when she may be reaching out, but I also dont want to be a needy schlub. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGH!!!! Opinions please
tojaz Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 So I started NC a couple of days ago but had some issues with it. I am not going to call unless it regards the children, but what do I do when she calls and wants to "talk" about us? Part of the 180 says that I need to move on, but I want to work with her to get back together. Talk!, but keep it brief and practice the 180 rules. Also, don't be waiting by the phone, don't be afraid to be unavailable. You have a life of your own. If you miss her call, don't rush to return it, get back to her when your ready (Mentally ready, your going to want to rush in your heart) She said we were going to have date nights, whether this bears out or not remains to be seen. If we have these date nights how does that go with the 180? I need to move on but still stay focused on the ultimate goal, reconcilation. Do the dates, but don't press her for them or burn up the phone if she decides not to one week. Don't be so eager (outwardly). Onve again, a perfect opportunity to practice the 180 I have done what I am "supposed" to do so far, no whining, arguing or clinging. But I dont want to come off as cold or mean. I dont want to blow her off when she may be reaching out, but I also dont want to be a needy schlub. It's a fine line to walk, take your cues from her, she'll let you know. Most of all, when you talk, don't forget to really listen and remember that everybodies point of view is valid! Good luck, keep us posted TOJAZ
tojaz Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 LS guide to the process of no contact I don't agree with all this 100% but a lot of good points. TOJAZ
Aksion Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 About the same time seperated for my wife and I as in your situation. Said before, like you, did the pleading/loving/begging thing -- obviously didn't work and honestly in retrospect, can see why. Real question here is -- do you still trust your wife AND do you really want to re-build your marriage with her? Your wife said she wants 'date nights' -- wish I could say the same in my situation, and I know you want to do everything you can to make these 'dates' the best possible. Just IMHO -- now that I've had a woman leave me, and I've read multiple situations like yours and mine -- it seems as if once she has left, she has been thinking of this for quite some time and really is gone. I don't want you to give up -- as I still haven't, regardless of how bad I know it is, just want you to see the other side of it. Do everything you can, but take care of you first and foremost.
tojaz Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 About the same time seperated for my wife and I as in your situation. Said before, like you, did the pleading/loving/begging thing -- obviously didn't work and honestly in retrospect, can see why. Real question here is -- do you still trust your wife AND do you really want to re-build your marriage with her? Your wife said she wants 'date nights' -- wish I could say the same in my situation, and I know you want to do everything you can to make these 'dates' the best possible. Just IMHO -- now that I've had a woman leave me, and I've read multiple situations like yours and mine -- it seems as if once she has left, she has been thinking of this for quite some time and really is gone. I don't want you to give up -- as I still haven't, regardless of how bad I know it is, just want you to see the other side of it. Do everything you can, but take care of you first and foremost. Good points Aksion and a lot to think about every one of them. TOJAZ
Author J-Dad Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I'm never gonna give up if I can help it. If we get a divorce and decide to move on, so be it, but as long as tehre is still a pulse in our relationship I'm gonna do my best. I'm going to make the most out of my date nights. I figure that the only way I can get through them is to act like I am actually on a date with a stranger rather than eating dinner in my living room with my estranged wife who walked out on myself and 2 children. When I dropped the kids off tonight I didnt say anything to her (NC). Maybe a wrong move, not very cordial. But maybe its starting to sink in with her, she came outside and was snippy and said "arent you going to say anything to me?!" I told her goodbye and that I was trying to respect her "time & space" thing. She called back and apoligized for being rude.
MrMayI Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I'm never gonna give up if I can help it. If we get a divorce and decide to move on, so be it, but as long as tehre is still a pulse in our relationship I'm gonna do my best. I'm going to make the most out of my date nights. I figure that the only way I can get through them is to act like I am actually on a date with a stranger rather than eating dinner in my living room with my estranged wife who walked out on myself and 2 children. When I dropped the kids off tonight I didnt say anything to her (NC). Maybe a wrong move, not very cordial. But maybe its starting to sink in with her, she came outside and was snippy and said "arent you going to say anything to me?!" I told her goodbye and that I was trying to respect her "time & space" thing. She called back and apoligized for being rude. i had the date night promise, the family night promise, regular visits, phone calls, yada yada yada. she promised it all, and just continued to **** on me and get further and further away. sorry to threadjack with my negativity, but don't push for a single date night. let her make it happen if it's going to.
Tom81 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I have a question since this thread is about NC... Say I wanted to start no contact with my wife...any suggestions on how to start. I've been the one always initiating things like meetings or texts, or emails. She does text me if she needs something or needs to go to the house (in case you haven't read my thread she left me 3 months ago). I'm kind of desperate and wondering how to start it. thanks
Author J-Dad Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 TOM - NC means No Contact. Stop everything. If she wants to talk, text, let her initiate. It sucks, but hat is the only way to do it. Just like quitting any addiction, the only way to get through it is to stop it. Nothing. Its gonna hurt like hell, but you gotta do it.
Tom81 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 So I just have to start no contacting her. I might even take my time getting back to her texts (which are only about finances and things at the house that she needs)....but it would show that i'm not hanging and jumping on every word she texts.
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