Author Dadubwa Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 1. Then don't pretend to date anyone else. That's selfish and mean. You're trying to have your cake and eat it, too. 2. Why don't you man up and ditch your ex? Obviously she doesn't love YOU that much or she would be with you. 1. I'm not dating her. I'm not courting the other girl at all. In fact I haven't seen her in about a month. We're not cuddling and making each other mix CD's, all we're doing is hanging out and enjoying each others company. She makes it clear to me that if I were to make a move on her-- she would oblige. That's all. I realize it's not in my best interest to do so (because of the situation at hand), but I also realize and take responsibility for that fact that I'm developing a crush, but it truly stops there. I'm not going to create a romantic relationship with her when I gave my heart to my ex years ago. In fact the other girl knows that. She knows I still have feelings for my ex. So we're adults when we're together. She flirts with me and leaves herself open for pick-up, but she doesn't force herself upon me. 2. If it was that easy to just ditch my ex I would have done it 3 years back. It's that my feelings won't let me look at her as "a thing of the past". When I think of my future I see her in it. The reason we decided to just be friends was because she wanted to travel and live out her dreams, and I couldn't commit to something long distance. It was ultimately my choice which led us to be where we are today. I'm the one who said "I'm not willing to be in a long distance relationship, but I'm also not willing to crush your dreams, go live them, I'll be here". She's happy with her life today, and if anyone has ever truly loved someone else-- then you know, you'd do just about anything to see the other person happy. I just want her to be happy and feel successful. I think the distance, her career, and her feelings for me are all mutually exclusive from each other. You can be 100 miles away, live a fancy life, but still love someone just the same. The way I see things panning out... the other girl is gonna grow tired of me. And as fantastic as I think she is--I'm okay with that. I'm willing to give her up because I never really "had" her to begin with. She deserves someone who can give her 110% of their attention < and that's exactly what I'd say right to her face, if it ever came to it. When I get the courage, at some point, I'm gonna sit my ex down and we're gonna get to the bottom of things.
stace79 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 The way I see things panning out... the other girl is gonna grow tired of me. And as fantastic as I think she is--I'm okay with that. I'm willing to give her up because I never really "had" her to begin with. She deserves someone who can give her 110% of their attention < and that's exactly what I'd say right to her face, if it ever came to it. When I get the courage, at some point, I'm gonna sit my ex down and we're gonna get to the bottom of things. Then be a man and say it, and then stop communicating with her. She likes you, so SHE will not have the heart to stay away. YOU need to look out for her best interests. I know; I was in her shoes before. She will keep hanging on to you, despite what her brains tell her. YOU have to be the man here and stop stringing her along.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Then be a man and say it, and then stop communicating with her. She likes you, so SHE will not have the heart to stay away. YOU need to look out for her best interests. I know; I was in her shoes before. She will keep hanging on to you, despite what her brains tell her. YOU have to be the man here and stop stringing her along. This is all legit. You think she's really gripped onto me that hard already? I mean we've only known each other for about 6 months.
stace79 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 This is all legit. You think she's really gripped onto me that hard already? I mean we've only known each other for about 6 months. Yeah -- I was head over heels for this guy in my life by about three months. I kept getting deeper and deeper because we were developing such a close relationship even though we weren't "dating". By the time I realized he was still in love with his ex (and how big a part in his life she still was), it was too late. I was so crushed. You're just feeding your own ego by keeping that poor girl around. It's cruel.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Pining for what might have been ... that is hard. You need to either act on it or let it go. Are you staying stagnant or moving on?
Lucky_One Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 She deserves someone who can give her 110% of their attention < and that's exactly what I'd say right to her face, if it ever came to it. That's exactly what I would say to you. You aren't getting jack from your EX, and the longer you hang on and wait for the nothing that is your current R with her to turn into something, the more of your own life you will be wasting while you pine.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 23, 2009 Author Posted October 23, 2009 Well tonight is the night...3 hours. It seems like I'm just laying stagnant in the waste that is the "what might be" relationship I have with my ex. Hopefully tonight will shed a little light on the whole situation. I'll have my closest friends around me to tell "good" or "bad". I have to admit, I'm excited to see this other girl. I haven't seen her in a little over a month. I'm getting butterflies thinking about seeing her...thaaat can't be healthy at all. I saw my ex last night. I was going to pop the 21 questions to her about the what where who why and how "are we" ones...but she was having some family issues. She never really opens up to me about things like that anymore-- but she did last night. We went on a 2 hour drive and talked about life-like things...but I didn't have the courage to throw out any concrete questions. I felt like it wasn't the right time, she was upset and I didn't want to interrogate her when she was so vulnerable. So tonight, I'm just going to take it easy and see where things go with this other girl. I'm slowly but surely coming to the realization that I don't owe my ex anything but my friendship. If she wants anything more she knows all she has to do is ask....but she hasn't asked. Through all of this I've made that 1 thing clear...but she hasn't taken me up on that. Tonight, I'll be putting my focus on having a good time, and focus less on trying to impress either girl. I'll let you goes know how it went.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 25, 2009 Author Posted October 25, 2009 You guys were right...my ex didn't even come through to the party. She was too busy being an RA and forgot to tell her boss that she needed friday night off. Clearly, I'm easily forgotten. Sooooo I was disappointed...and then the other girl came around and we hung out with each other and talked the whole time. This is probably a good thing. I probably need to let go of the ex. As much as I feel for her--it's time that I stop being naive. And while I'm trying to force my feelings away, I'm gonna stop being as available to the other girl as I am..she normally wants to hang out and I ALWAYS agree. But now I'm going to start turning her away, not to hurt her or be rude...but I think I need to invest in some "me" time. No girls, no strings, no nothing. I plan on being quite forward to my ex the next time I see her. I want her to tell me what she thinks about me or where she wants to go in life. I feel like I'm on my last leg, 3 years is long enough. Maybe after I get closure there I'll start making myself more available to the other girl.
stace79 Posted October 25, 2009 Posted October 25, 2009 You guys were right...my ex didn't even come through to the party. She was too busy being an RA and forgot to tell her boss that she needed friday night off. Clearly, I'm easily forgotten. Sooooo I was disappointed...and then the other girl came around and we hung out with each other and talked the whole time. This is probably a good thing. I probably need to let go of the ex. As much as I feel for her--it's time that I stop being naive. And while I'm trying to force my feelings away, I'm gonna stop being as available to the other girl as I am..she normally wants to hang out and I ALWAYS agree. But now I'm going to start turning her away, not to hurt her or be rude...but I think I need to invest in some "me" time. No girls, no strings, no nothing. I plan on being quite forward to my ex the next time I see her. I want her to tell me what she thinks about me or where she wants to go in life. I feel like I'm on my last leg, 3 years is long enough. Maybe after I get closure there I'll start making myself more available to the other girl. That is exactly what my fiance's ex would do to him. She would give him plenty of attention when SHE wanted to, but when he wanted her she was nowhere to be found. If he drove to see her, she would pay more attention to all her friends that were around, but if she came to see him she expected him to drop everything and worship the ground she walked on. She really did eventually tell him, after he broke up with me for her once, that "she didn't want him but didn't want anyone else to have him." I think you will be making a smart move. It will be hard, but I honestly believe you have to rip the bandaid off in one quick painful second. No dragging things out. Good luck.
HaveYouEver Posted October 26, 2009 Posted October 26, 2009 You guys were right...my ex didn't even come through to the party. She was too busy being an RA and forgot to tell her boss that she needed friday night off. Clearly, I'm easily forgotten. Sooooo I was disappointed...and then the other girl came around and we hung out with each other and talked the whole time. This is probably a good thing. I probably need to let go of the ex. As much as I feel for her--it's time that I stop being naive. And while I'm trying to force my feelings away, I'm gonna stop being as available to the other girl as I am..she normally wants to hang out and I ALWAYS agree. But now I'm going to start turning her away, not to hurt her or be rude...but I think I need to invest in some "me" time. No girls, no strings, no nothing. I plan on being quite forward to my ex the next time I see her. I want her to tell me what she thinks about me or where she wants to go in life. I feel like I'm on my last leg, 3 years is long enough. Maybe after I get closure there I'll start making myself more available to the other girl. "Me" time sounds like the right thing to do. Some food for thought - your feelings for your ex, are they real still, or is your focus on the girl you can't have, a security net for you - to protect you from getting attatched (and hurt) by girls you can have?
squidattack Posted October 28, 2009 Posted October 28, 2009 Don't let life pass you by while you're waiting for your ex. If she was really that into you, I think she'd probably be with you. If you REALLY love someone, you wouldn't put them on the back burner just because you're busy with college and career stuff. Other people manage a relationship and the whole college thing just fine so I see it as an excuse.
Strawberry Cane Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Hi there! I have been in a similar situation, so I hope this helps.... I spent 4 years waiting for someone to commit (I started dating him when I was 18, and we broke things off for good when I was 22) I am 24 now. He was just way too interested in traveling, and living in foreign countries and taking in the world. I loved him, so I stayed in the relationship... and kept thinking "Good things come to those who wait..." and "A good girlfriend would wait and not complain". When it came down to the bare bones, my ex was too concerned with himself to involve me in his life... and although I was girlfriend in name, I never felt it past that. I always felt like "That girl back home" as opposed to "My girlfriend" (and we dated for 4 years). Although he is a great guy, he was too self-centered to commit himself to the kind of life I saw for us... and if he is like that now... I am sure he would be the same way if we bought a house, got married, had kids, and the list goes on. I started thinking about it, and began realizing, I was dating a guy who was going to miss important things in life like graduations, birthdays, or our anniversary, and not that he woudln't feel bad for missing them, but that he just didn't find them to be priority enough for him to make the effort. Thats when I decided, If someone I love does not have the same values and goals as me (such as raising a family together, being in a committed relationship, or taking their partner into consideration when making life changing choices), then it is never going to work. I felt that 4 years was long enough for me to make the decision, and I let go. He is now living half way around the world, like he always wanted to, and I am here in my hometown two years later with someone who also sees the world through my eyes, and who wants to raise a family together, who considers me when making all decisions (which I think is incredible), and who is very much commited to our relationship. (I've been with him for a year now) You would be surprised at how happy I am knowing that my ex is living out his dream and I am now getting a chance to live out mine. We each are happier people now, and although it was rough in the beginning, there are no hard feelings once those wounds heal. With your Halloween party situation... I would just go, and be exactly what you are... a single guy who shows up at a party. I think you should make it a point to just show up by YOURSELF, so that neither girl thinks "Now why did he show up with her?" If one of the girls doesnt have a ride, maybe stop by at the party first and bring a tag along (not the other girl) with you to kill the tension... Don't forget to mingle with everybody... don't concern yourself too much with "what might happen" or you will drive yourself batty (no halloween pun intended). Remember that you share a bond with both girls, so don't ignore them all night, but I don't think there is any reason to start making things difficult for yourself by spending equal amounts of time with each of them and whatnot. It will be kind of interesting to see which girl actually pays more attention to you, and on whose account... meaning, is she doing it because she genuinely cares about you, or because she can tell the other girl likes you and is doing it to make them jealouce. In conclusion, I think if your ex really wanted you in her life... she would make every effort to include you in her decisons. I feel shes dragging you along on her accord, and the fact that you are following along just proves that you are a guy who is worth holding onto, and she knows it... I know it's hard to accept because I didn't want to accept it either in the beginning. I thought... NO NO, He does love me... there are no issues... but the issues were hiding behind my willingness to never give up hope. Picture it this way, if one hand lets go, there is only so much time before the hand still holding on is going to slip and eventually let go for itself. A relationship is a working partnership where both hands have to be willingly holding eachother in order for it to work. I really hope my experience has enlighetened you and helped you to make the right choice for you. It's Halloween, bring a camera, check out the costumes, and just have a blast. Be the single guy that you are.
Strawberry Cane Posted October 30, 2009 Posted October 30, 2009 Hi there! I have been in a similar situation, so I hope this helps.... I spent 4 years waiting for someone to commit (I started dating him when I was 18, and we broke things off for good when I was 22) I am 24 now. He was just way too interested in traveling, and living in foreign countries and taking in the world. I loved him, so I stayed in the relationship... and kept thinking "Good things come to those who wait..." and "A good girlfriend would wait and not complain". When it came down to the bare bones, my ex was too concerned with himself to involve me in his life... and although I was girlfriend in name, I never felt it past that. I always felt like "That girl back home" as opposed to "My girlfriend" (and we dated for 4 years). Although he is a great guy, he was too self-centered to commit himself to the kind of life I saw for us... and if he is like that now... I am sure he would be the same way if we bought a house, got married, had kids, and the list goes on. I started thinking about it, and began realizing, I was dating a guy who was going to miss important things in life like graduations, birthdays, or our anniversary, and not that he woudln't feel bad for missing them, but that he just didn't find them to be priority enough for him to make the effort. Thats when I decided, If someone I love does not have the same values and goals as me (such as raising a family together, being in a committed relationship, or taking their partner into consideration when making life changing choices), then it is never going to work. I felt that 4 years was long enough for me to make the decision, and I let go. He is now living half way around the world, like he always wanted to, and I am here in my hometown two years later with someone who also sees the world through my eyes, and who wants to raise a family together, who considers me when making all decisions (which I think is incredible), and who is very much commited to our relationship. (I've been with him for a year now) You would be surprised at how happy I am knowing that my ex is living out his dream and I am now getting a chance to live out mine. We each are happier people now, and although it was rough in the beginning, there are no hard feelings once those wounds heal. With your Halloween party situation... I would just go, and be exactly what you are... a single guy who shows up at a party. I think you should make it a point to just show up by YOURSELF, so that neither girl thinks "Now why did he show up with her?" If one of the girls doesnt have a ride, maybe stop by at the party first and bring a tag along (not the other girl) with you to kill the tension... Don't forget to mingle with everybody... don't concern yourself too much with "what might happen" or you will drive yourself batty (no halloween pun intended). Remember that you share a bond with both girls, so don't ignore them all night, but I don't think there is any reason to start making things difficult for yourself by spending equal amounts of time with each of them and whatnot. It will be kind of interesting to see which girl actually pays more attention to you, and on whose account... meaning, is she doing it because she genuinely cares about you, or because she can tell the other girl likes you and is doing it to make them jealouce. In conclusion, I think if your ex really wanted you in her life... she would make every effort to include you in her decisons. I feel shes dragging you along on her accord, and the fact that you are following along just proves that you are a guy who is worth holding onto, and she knows it... I know it's hard to accept because I didn't want to accept it either in the beginning. I thought... NO NO, He does love me... there are no issues... but the issues were hiding behind my willingness to never give up hope. Picture it this way, if one hand lets go, there is only so much time before the hand still holding on is going to slip and eventually let go for itself. A relationship is a working partnership where both hands have to be willingly holding eachother in order for it to work. I really hope my experience has enlighetened you and helped you to make the right choice for you. It's Halloween, bring a camera, check out the costumes, and just have a blast. Be the single guy that you are. Oh my, I realized now that I was too late... well I hope my story helps you out anyway. Good luck!
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