Dadubwa Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 I'm in a pickle. I have an ex girlfriend who's living her life, doing college, doing a lot of travel, doing a lot of great big things in her life. We connect on an amazing level and still have feelings for each other in a BIG way. But instead of complicating things we decided to just stay friends and live our lives and keep each other close... It seems like the timing was never right for our relationship, but we deeply love each other and have always said we'd get married one day . While she's out living her big dreams, I'm stuck in our home town doing the best I can to get by-- missing her all the time, wondering if she still feels the same about me, as I do her. We keep close, we keep in touch, but we really never talk about "us" when we're together or when we're talking. About 7 months ago I met another girl. We talk every day. We seem to click, we're on the same wavelength, we've never ever talked about dating or anything, but she shamelessly flirts with me (there's already rumors going around that we're dating and hiding it:rolleyes:). People are convinced something is going on between us. I'm developing a bit of a crush on her... and although I'm technically "single", I feel guilty, I feel like it's a little unfair to my ex. But at the same time this other girl makes me happy and she makes herself available and she's a lot of fun to be around. Here's the pickle of the week: on friday there's a huge Halloween party at my friend's house. This another girl is going which is great, but not thinking I invited my ex to come along with me. I don't want to ruin the "what-might-be" between me and this other girl, but I also don't want to exclude my ex from going--therefore making me look guilty as all sin. Help? Help! HELP!!
sally4sara Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Help you what? Figure out a way to preserve the chances you think you have for gaining a stand in girl to kill time with until your ex is done doing everything more important to her than being with you? Geez dude, you sound like you're talking about leasing a car till you're done with the rebuild project you're hobbying. Except this is a person with feelings and not a car you can lease for a year or two in the meantime.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 Yikes! As awful as this whole thing makes me sound and as terribly self-centered as I might seem, I'm not out to hurt anyone. It's the last thing I want to do. I'm looking for advice to right-the-wrongs, or at least have someone say I'm going about this all wrong-- which you've clearly expressed I am. I've patiently waited around for 3 years (turning down numerous advances) for my ex to decide if she'd like to be completely committed,...yet I don't want her to feel as though this is an "all-or-nothing" situation. I feel like a doormat, I feel a little under appreciated. I suppose that's the way I rationalize putting some of my attention onto this other girl who makes me feel the way I deserve to feel. You may have shed some light on the situation when you said until my ex is "done doing everything more important to her than being with [me]". I want to feel as though I'm a priority, when I'm certainly not-- another rationalization for getting a bit involved with this other girl, she makes me a priority. I'm not saying that I want to run off and throw caution to the wind with this chick, but I'm not against getting to know her on a more mmm-- romantic level. I'm not saying either of these two are expendable, replaceable, or disposable...I'm just trying to find some peace of mind for myself.
lamaman3 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Its BS to say, "this girl and I love each other but we cant date right now." If this girl is not available, go to the one who is. Life is short - don't let it pass you by. Its a bit late to disinvite your ex to this halloween party - but dont be a p*ssy. Ask the other girl out and make a move on her.
terra Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Perhaps talk to your ex. Tell her you love her but if you can't be together explain to her that you will need to move on. She can't expect you to wait around until she is done living her dreams. If she says not a good time then why not move on and take a chance on a girl who may have similar priorities as you. Just warn her that "moving on" will be at the Halloween party.
sally4sara Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Yikes! As awful as this whole thing makes me sound and as terribly self-centered as I might seem, I'm not out to hurt anyone. It's the last thing I want to do. I'm looking for advice to right-the-wrongs, or at least have someone say I'm going about this all wrong-- which you've clearly expressed I am. I've patiently waited around for 3 years (turning down numerous advances) for my ex to decide if she'd like to be completely committed,...yet I don't want her to feel as though this is an "all-or-nothing" situation. I feel like a doormat, I feel a little under appreciated. I suppose that's the way I rationalize putting some of my attention onto this other girl who makes me feel the way I deserve to feel. You may have shed some light on the situation when you said until my ex is "done doing everything more important to her than being with [me]". I want to feel as though I'm a priority, when I'm certainly not-- another rationalization for getting a bit involved with this other girl, she makes me a priority. I'm not saying that I want to run off and throw caution to the wind with this chick, but I'm not against getting to know her on a more mmm-- romantic level. I'm not saying either of these two are expendable, replaceable, or disposable...I'm just trying to find some peace of mind for myself. Don't let the way you're letting someone else treat you, turn you into some who treats others in similar fashion. Ask yourself why you think so highly of your ex when she makes you feel passed over. Then ponder making the girl who treats you as a priority, feel passed over too. If you wish you ex would treat you as a priority but she doesn't, why is she the preferred girl of the two?
Author Dadubwa Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I guess it's just easier said than done. Telling the person you love that you don't feel wanted or needed by them is kind a slap in the face. I don't want to hurt her. And I know too late-- why don't I start developing feelings for another girl..that won't hurt at all! But if I can just see this as a crush and move past it, it wouldn't be an issue. It's that I enjoy feeling like I priority, I like knowing someone is there for me when I need them to, someone on my same wavelength. I can blow this whole thing off and be less happy but not feel guilty and not hurt anyone, or I can continue going for it and be a little happier but I run the risk of hurting my ex and feeling guilty. I've been taking the "life's-too-short" approach for awhile now and that's why I'm in this pickle lol. I spent awhile losing hoping and saying to myself "just go for it!" and I did, and now I almost regret it...almost.--If I wasn't enjoying myself in this other girl's company I would absolutely regret it. "Life is too short", I think now..and I wanna spend it with the person who I love, who doesn't have the time to spend it with me... I suppose I think so highly of her because she's an admirable person. She has the guts to go for her dreams, which a lot of people aren't so brave to do. She's generous, moral, honest, respectful, understanding, charming and I adore her..so she has all these great qualities but unfortunately she's just so career focused that it's leaving me in the dust. In her defense she's always apologized if we went a few days or a few months not in contact...so it's not like she's rude cold to me. I don't meant to make the other girl feel passed over, we both have agreed that we're just friends. And however did we get to the point where we had to agree on where we stood?...It was because rumors flew around our circle of friends that we were hooking up and not telling anyone (this spawned from a time when she spent the night and we watched movies..erotic I know:rolleyes:.) Her and I laughed it off and said "Can't we just enjoy each other's company? It's no one's business but our own anyways."
JustLooking123 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I guess it's just easier said than done. Telling the person you love that you don't feel wanted or needed by them is kind a slap in the face. I don't want to hurt her. And I know too late-- why don't I start developing feelings for another girl..that won't hurt at all! But if I can just see this as a crush and move past it, it wouldn't be an issue. It's that I enjoy feeling like I priority, I like knowing someone is there for me when I need them to, someone on my same wavelength. I can blow this whole thing off and be less happy but not feel guilty and not hurt anyone, or I can continue going for it and be a little happier but I run the risk of hurting my ex and feeling guilty. I've been taking the "life's-too-short" approach for awhile now and that's why I'm in this pickle lol. I spent awhile losing hoping and saying to myself "just go for it!" and I did, and now I almost regret it...almost.--If I wasn't enjoying myself in this other girl's company I would absolutely regret it. "Life is too short", I think now..and I wanna spend it with the person who I love, who doesn't have the time to spend it with me... I suppose I think so highly of her because she's an admirable person. She has the guts to go for her dreams, which a lot of people aren't so brave to do. She's generous, moral, honest, respectful, understanding, charming and I adore her..so she has all these great qualities but unfortunately she's just so career focused that it's leaving me in the dust. In her defense she's always apologized if we went a few days or a few months not in contact...so it's not like she's rude cold to me. It sounds like she has hurt you. Or, at the very least, she has prioritized her own desires/plans over your feelings. It's time for you to prioritize yourself. This sounds harsh, but it's really lame to keep yourself on a shelf for this woman who does not want a relationship with you, regardless of the reason. And you don't have to outright tell her anything--just move on with your life. Whether you maintain the same level of communication or not is up to you. Just go to the party. If your ex wants to come along, fine. Just pretend she's just another friend, like one of your male buddies. And if you want to flirt with the other girl (or any other girls for that matter), do it. You don't owe girl #1 anything.
Dark-Farmer Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 is and/or has your ex seen or been with anyone else while you two have been apart? If the answer is yes then start seeing the new girl. You can have fun with this new girl who you like and your ex won't care, or it will wake up your ex and perhaps she will be more willing to commit. If she has been seeing other people, it probably hurts you right? Experience other people and if shes actually the one she come back. Why put your life on hold? You shouldn't have anymore loyalty to her than you would any other friend.
Lucky_One Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Does your ex (and notice that she is an EX) know that you are still sitting at home pining over her and refusing to move on? That's a pretty big ego stroke for a girl! You have no "us" with her. You don't discuss "us" with her. You don't see each other and do "us" things. Truthfully, you sound very young (college-ish) and a vow that you will marry each other one day is one of those great dreams you have in high school that you simply grow out of, especially if one of you is too busy living a real life to keep holding onto that fantasy. I bet that while she is out living her life, having fun, travelling, doing what healthy girls her age do, that she isn't sitting at home each night wondering how to keep her feelings for a different boy at bay in order to stay faithful to an untalked-about fantasy from years ago. In other words, take your EX as a friend, as she isn't your GF. Tell your new friend that you are bringing an old friend with you to the party. You are going to be at a party with two friends there - isn't that what parties are really about?
looking4 green grass Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I dated a guy in the same situation. There was a girl who left him 3 or 4 years before I came along to "live out her dreams" with the promise that she would come back and they would "be together" when she was older and had accomplished her goals. This guy tried very hard to juggle us both until I found out and put my foot down. Me or her. Ultimately he choose me, but the betrayal I felt, knowing he spent the first six months still in love with someone else was enough to eventually ruin the entire relationship. (he also proposed to this girl while we were dating to make sure she wouldn't come back before he picked me) I saw him for what he was and left him on the curb, the other girl never really intended to come back I don't think, and to date, she never has. It's been another 3 years and she's still no where in sight! This guy is STILL single a good 7 years after starting to wait. So if you want to be that guy......sure, wait for the love of your life. If you want to actually have a life, cut your losses and focus COMPLETELY on the new girl.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I am young, I'm 21. I want to be 21! But I don't want to scare my ex away by going out and dating other people. I don't want her to feel like I'm choosing someone else over her, because I won't if she loves me just the same. We're really great when we're together, we never fight, we never argue, we keep each other laughing. We dated when I was in 11th grade and she moved in with me, I was never sick of her...it was perfect. But I wrecked it by being unfaithful almost 2 years later. That was 4 years ago though, I was young, stupid, drunk. I've matured in that aspect, I'm not just "looking for tail". I realized what I did was absolutely unacceptable. Her and I lost touch for 2 years because of it...and the first time we spoke after those long 2 years we (at the same exact time) told each other "I love you still". That was really a turning point in my life, that's when I knew things were meant between us. The problem is after all the growing up we do...feelings change. They just do. It'd be so much easier if my ex and I just talked it all out. See we spend some time together, we see each other at least once a month-- but that's not enough for me. So I want to make sure every time we're together she leaves happy, and had a good time with me. I feel like if I force the issue of wanting to be with her, she'll pull out the "no strings-attached, but I still love you the same" card. Not only would that disappoint me, it might ruin her time with me. I try to give her small signals that maybe we've run our course ..I go up to bed at night and I let her sleep on the couch when she visits, but she'll come up and sleep in my room anyways. So she makes it apparent that she still has feelings. We're both writers, and in the things she writes it's an echo of our relationship-- nostalgic things that I know have only happened between her and I. She makes her feelings known, but leaves me puzzled when I need clear cut answers. Half my fault because I never ask her straight forward, "have you been with someone since me?", "do you still want to be together?", "do you feel the same as I do?". Maybe my problem is not having enough courage to face the truth...I'm scared she'll say something I don't like.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 I dated a guy in the same situation. There was a girl who left him 3 or 4 years before I came along to "live out her dreams" with the promise that she would come back and they would "be together" when she was older and had accomplished her goals. This guy tried very hard to juggle us both until I found out and put my foot down. Me or her. Ultimately he choose me, but the betrayal I felt, knowing he spent the first six months still in love with someone else was enough to eventually ruin the entire relationship. (he also proposed to this girl while we were dating to make sure she wouldn't come back before he picked me) I saw him for what he was and left him on the curb, the other girl never really intended to come back I don't think, and to date, she never has. It's been another 3 years and she's still no where in sight! This guy is STILL single a good 7 years after starting to wait. So if you want to be that guy......sure, wait for the love of your life. If you want to actually have a life, cut your losses and focus COMPLETELY on the new girl. I don't want to be that person AT ALL!! 7 years is too long. I feel like I've been waiting too long already!
JustLooking123 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 But I don't want to scare my ex away by going out and dating other people. I don't want her to feel like I'm choosing someone else over her, because I won't if she loves me just the same. I think you're missing the point. Your ex has chosen NOT to be with you. You need to move on and lose the emotional attachment to her. It is keeping you from living your life. If that means going no contact for a while, so be it. She may resist at first, because of the attention and validation she gets from you. You are completely whipped by this woman who doesn't even want to date you, it's sad.
D-Lish Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You're acting like an idiot starring in the movie of some lame Hollywood script. Here is the story: You've been pining after the unattainable girl for so long.... BUT... Perfect girl comes along. ... You date perfect girl and start loving life..... Unattainable girl comes running back after a crisis and you jump into her arms.... So you put perfect girl by the wayside. Perfect girl sees your dickness and raises you absence.... You lose her. Unattainable girl screws up showing how shallow she is. You realize how badly you screwed up. You turn back to perfect girl realizing your mistake. Perfect girl has moved on- she has found a much better guy. This is your destiny.
Lucky_One Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 But I don't want to scare my ex away by going out and dating other people. I don't want her to feel like I'm choosing someone else over her, because I won't if she loves me just the same. She's your EX. EX. EX. You aren't choosing anyone over her, because you aren't WITH her. You AREN'T a couple. She is an XGF from when you were in high school and 16.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 20, 2009 Author Posted October 20, 2009 So everyone is really pulling for the another girl...get rid of the ex cause she was gone a long time ago? Grow up, move on, stop being an idiot. Well...party is in 3 days we'll see how it goes.
stace79 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Yikes! As awful as this whole thing makes me sound and as terribly self-centered as I might seem, I'm not out to hurt anyone. It's the last thing I want to do. I'm looking for advice to right-the-wrongs, or at least have someone say I'm going about this all wrong-- which you've clearly expressed I am. I've patiently waited around for 3 years (turning down numerous advances) for my ex to decide if she'd like to be completely committed,...yet I don't want her to feel as though this is an "all-or-nothing" situation. I feel like a doormat, I feel a little under appreciated. I suppose that's the way I rationalize putting some of my attention onto this other girl who makes me feel the way I deserve to feel. You may have shed some light on the situation when you said until my ex is "done doing everything more important to her than being with [me]". I want to feel as though I'm a priority, when I'm certainly not-- another rationalization for getting a bit involved with this other girl, she makes me a priority. I'm not saying that I want to run off and throw caution to the wind with this chick, but I'm not against getting to know her on a more mmm-- romantic level. I'm not saying either of these two are expendable, replaceable, or disposable...I'm just trying to find some peace of mind for myself. As someone who was the "stand in girl" for quite awhile (three years, to be exact), please please do not string along this other girl. I even knew about this guy's ex-girlfriend and that he was still in love with her, but I kept thinking that he really liked me, too, and he would eventually "pick me". He did, but only after his ex told him yet again she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with him. So he started dating me exclusively, at which point she freaked out and started coming after him hardcore. He withstood it for all of about four months, and then she said if he was going to keep dating me that she couldn't be his friend anymore. So he broke up with me the day after Christmas. THEN, he continued trying to talk with me and see me, even while talking with/seeing HER, to figure things out. After I was out of the picture and dating another guy casually, his ex of course realized she "didn't really want to be with him, she just didn't want anyone else to have him" (her words exactly). So he came crawling back to me. The point is that you are going to drag this poor "other girl" through terrible misery and pain. If YOU cannot decide once and for all that the door with your ex is CLOSED, as in completely and totally nailed shut for all eternity, then you should not be seriously dating anyone else. And if you casually date someone, you need to be perfectly, crystal clear that you are not interested in anything remotely close to exclusivity and you still speak with a very close ex. However, I would recommend just not dating anyone at all until you close that door.
stace79 Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Perhaps talk to your ex. Tell her you love her but if you can't be together explain to her that you will need to move on. She can't expect you to wait around until she is done living her dreams. If she says not a good time then why not move on and take a chance on a girl who may have similar priorities as you. Just warn her that "moving on" will be at the Halloween party. She can, and will, do exactly that -- expect him to wait around while she lives out all her dreams. My fiance's ex was doing that. If he hadn't manned up and ditched her, finally and completely without ever talking with her again, she'd still be jerking him around. There are manipulative, conniving women out there who think like that and find nothing wrong with it at all.
Jada Posted October 21, 2009 Posted October 21, 2009 Maybe your destined to have a great friendship with your ex and only that, look at the possibilities she'll always be there she's just not there for you. I say spread your wings and leave the nest, time to move on and forward, you sound like a really great guy time to let someone else see how great you are. Feelings are what holds us back in life, it's kind of hard because I can see your side of things. I think the other posters have given great advice, first time I've said that because I tend to disagree with people.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 I want to thank you guys all for your help. The party is tomorrow, and I'm getting a vibe from the other girl that she's..backing off a bit. I think she found out that I'm bringing my ex. It seems like it's got her into a bit of a cold shoulder type funk. I don't blame her. I'm supposed to see my ex tonight, maybe her and I will talk about some things. I feel like it's about time. Depending on how tonight turns out-- will pave the way for tomorrow.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Maybe your destined to have a great friendship with your ex and only that, look at the possibilities she'll always be there she's just not there for you. Ya know that's a HUGE possibility. I dread it, I mean I'm extremely thankful for her friendship, in every way, but I don't think I'll ever be able to see her as "just a friend".
stace79 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Ya know that's a HUGE possibility. I dread it, I mean I'm extremely thankful for her friendship, in every way, but I don't think I'll ever be able to see her as "just a friend". Which is why exes are exes for a reason. They aren't supposed to be your friend. Unless you sort this out once and for all, I feel sorry for any girl you take interest in in the future.
Author Dadubwa Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 Which is why exes are exes for a reason. They aren't supposed to be your friend. Unless you sort this out once and for all, I feel sorry for any girl you take interest in in the future. Unfortunately, so do I! I won't be able to commit to anyone-- because she's got the biggest part of my heart at this point. You can't give away what you don't have to give.
stace79 Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Unfortunately, so do I! I won't be able to commit to anyone-- because she's got the biggest part of my heart at this point. You can't give away what you don't have to give. 1. Then don't pretend to date anyone else. That's selfish and mean. You're trying to have your cake and eat it, too. 2. Why don't you man up and ditch your ex? Obviously she doesn't love YOU that much or she would be with you.
Recommended Posts