zvezda Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Hey guys, first time posting on this forum, and i came here cause i need some help. All started a few days ago when my girlfriend told me that she wanted a break and she needed some space. I was a mess and unfortunately showed it. I didn't sleep the past 2 days and finally got a bit of sleep last night. Im a pretty tough kind of person and nothing usually brings me down, but ive been sulking for the past few days. On saturday night, she rang me twice, but i didnt answer on purpose and then at 3am she messaged me texted me saying 'are you alive'. The thing is, i know deep down inside, that she loves me, because she has always to an extent taken me for granted and the things i did for her. A break could be a good thing to realise this on her part, but it just hurts me so much. Mind you, this is our second break in the last year (Last year in november we went on a break) and she came crawling back to me 4 days later. Just me not being on msn messenger had her worried and had her contacting my friends to see if i was ok (because im usually always on). I've had a pretty rough year or so (abuse from father, constant fighting with parents) and this just isn't what i needed or to top it off. Them kicking me out of my house, i didn't even care about but loosing her has had me wheeping for the past 3 days. The thing which i find unfair is on part, she rings me every single day (whilst on a break). I really don't want to loose her, as she means the world to me and it just feels like everythings crumbling before my eyes. Last year when we were on a break, she rang me every day while on it, always wanted to talk to me and even went on webcam, teasing me in a flirtatious manner (a cheeky way she always did in the relationship) She acted like nothing changed. She went to a party with her friends and she had a horrible time. We have been together since she was in the 9th grade. Now she is on the verge of finishing high school and i am on the verge of finishing my first year at university. Shes a very unique kind of girl, whos not into the mushy stuff, but she said herself she cant bear the fact of making me sad. Some help please, would be really appreciated. Thank you
Author zvezda Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 update! we have talked every single day since she told me she wants a break. We talk for about an hour each night before she goes to sleep. She acts as if though nothings happend, and still tells me all her personal things, about her and her friends as if we were in a relationship still. She has said she wants to see me again, but i said when and she said give me a bit, so next week i might be seeing her. The thing is i know if i see her it will open up a can of worms and she will want me back in a way. It breaks me up inside that 'this' break is still occuring.
adamt Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 A break is usually the begining of the end of the relationship. TO stand a chance of getting back with her you need to cut all contact with her. you ar not giving her a chance to miss you. you have to make her feel she has lost you. if she keeps contacting you then you should tell her that she requested a break so you are giving her it. the problem is you are their for her when she contacts you. you have already been on a break once, what with change this time.
gamer Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 hey there..kinda in a same situation as you(u can see my thread)..she doesnt contact me as much as urs but im trying my best to no contact for a while(eventhough we chatted for a bit on msn).. advise i can give u(frm my readings and advices frm ppl) is that cut of all contact with her for the moment..if she wants to break with u she should not have the perks of a relationship full stop.why are u still there talking to her like when u were together? its dangerously falling into the friend zone.. its like me,i dont want her to be just my friend so im trying my darndest not to contact with her
TheLoneSock Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Her behavior is extremely irrational. She wanted a break with you, then when she gets it she turns into clingy obsessive? I think now would be the perfect time to lay down the law. If she wants a break, she needs to respect the boundaries. Also, I hope you know that a break means break up, as in the two of you are not together. If you accept a break as if it's a time out of sorts, you'll only dig yourself into a hole you don't want to be in.
TaraMaiden Posted October 22, 2009 Posted October 22, 2009 Sheeeeesh! Talk about 'yanking your chain'! She is using and manipulating you, and at a time when you have had serious family issues (and are therefore very vulnerable) this is unfairness bordering on sheer cruelty. Please send her a text, to read as follows: "You asked for a break. Yet you are not taking it. So now I am asking for a break. Please don't contact me in any way whatsoever. I will decide when to contact you. Until then, respect my request, and do not get in touch with me at all." She will be back onto you before the text is even 'dry on the paper'. Expect this. And do not answer. Do not respond. Do not reply. Do not take the bait. Do not let her yank your chain. (Read my 'Caliguy' signature link. Follow it right down to the last period/full stop....whatever....) She is a user, and you are being used, big time. She is being fickle and selfish, in treating you this way; show her that there are now things you will no longer tolerate. being treated like a patsy, being the main one. You have a tough time, educationally, ahead of you. Put your energy into doing that as well as you can. your future hangs on it. Trust me - your future does not hang on her.
Author zvezda Posted October 22, 2009 Author Posted October 22, 2009 thanks guys for the advice i thoroughly appreciate it. Another update Last night i went NC on her and when she called i didn't pick up. She then texted me saying your probably busy ill talk to you tomorrow. She then got worried i didn't reply so she texted again saying that she misses me so much and she wants to see me on saturday. She also said that in 2 weeks (after my yearly exams) that she wants to go on a double date with me and her friend and boyfriend ( who like me alot too) Emotionally im a rollercoaster at the moment and i kinda wish i took up psychology at uni haha. Nevertheless all week i have been feeling down and to be honest this kind of cheered me up. Now im not sure if i should see her or even avoid contacting her at the moment. I know shes definately confused inside in what she wants and always said she wants to repricate her brother with me (been with the same girl for 7 years now engaged) Thorough nervous and anxious am i, but what to do ?
muse08 Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 thanks guys for the advice i thoroughly appreciate it. Another update Last night i went NC on her and when she called i didn't pick up. She then texted me saying your probably busy ill talk to you tomorrow. She then got worried i didn't reply so she texted again saying that she misses me so much and she wants to see me on saturday. She also said that in 2 weeks (after my yearly exams) that she wants to go on a double date with me and her friend and boyfriend ( who like me alot too) Emotionally im a rollercoaster at the moment and i kinda wish i took up psychology at uni haha. Nevertheless all week i have been feeling down and to be honest this kind of cheered me up. Now im not sure if i should see her or even avoid contacting her at the moment. I know shes definately confused inside in what she wants and always said she wants to repricate her brother with me (been with the same girl for 7 years now engaged) Thorough nervous and anxious am i, but what to do ? you know what to do. the advice you have received here is only advice, but it makes A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE. we teach people how to treat us. so remember that. visualize the relationship btwn you two if you keep feeding into her advances when she is the one who wanted the breakup.she should at least stop acting like everything is normal if she's serious about the breakup and give you a chance to voice your opinion. you need to be firm with her and let her know that she's acting like you can't see through her childishness. and that it's not appealing at all(unless of course it is...to each his own) she will know that she can jerk you around. if you like that kind of stuff(again...to each his own) then go for it, but you won't be respected too much.
TaraMaiden Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 thanks guys for the advice i thoroughly appreciate it. Another update (. . .) She also said that in 2 weeks (after my yearly exams) that she wants to go on a double date with me and her friend and boyfriend ( who like me alot too) (. . .) Thorough nervous and anxious am i, but what to do ? You know what to do. If you read the Caliguy No Contact Link at the base of my signature, that is.... There is no question of what you do. You do not respond, and you do NOT GO OUT WITH HER!!! You have to turn the tables on this, otherwise you'll alwqays find yourself dangling at her beckoning...like one of those cute toys on a l-o-o-o-o-o-n-g spring, that bounce up and down, when somebody pulls them.... As muse08 said: now, if that's what you want, and that's what you're happy with, then fine.... go for it. But it doesn't make you happy, does it...? Or you wouldn't be posting, seeking counsel, support and advice....would you? The only way to change how things happen, is to break the pattern. Over to you.
adamt Posted October 23, 2009 Posted October 23, 2009 Do oyu want to be the puppet or the puppet master. do you want to be someones lapdog? Keep NC. it will be cutting her up inside. Keep it up to take control of the relationship. Once she knows she has lost you she will be in bit. BUT do oyu want to go back with someone who will probably do this again in the future?
Author zvezda Posted October 24, 2009 Author Posted October 24, 2009 Guys thoroughly appreciate the feedback and i have tried to take the advice. Anyway today was the day we were meant to see one another. I kept NC with her and i guess she got worried. So at 11am she shows up at my door and gives me a big hug. We got to talking and what not, and she said lets go out to lunch, as much as i wanted to avoid it, i couldn't it was too difficult so we went. We were talking, everything was fine, then something odd happend. We walked into her best friend, and they started talking so i just sat back and listened a bit, and then talked to her friend and so on. ANYWAY, the interesting thing was she said to her how bout we all go to the beach at the end of exams (1 week i think, so next weekend) on a double date! (we always went out with these 2 before). A very weird situation, i don't feel as though she is walking all over me, i just feel as though she doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and thinks everything is rosy. Even when we went to lunch, she acted all normally like it was in the relationship and boasted to her friend about me as well.
muse08 Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 (edited) A very weird situation, i don't feel as though she is walking all over me, i just feel as though she doesn't understand the seriousness of the situation and thinks everything is rosy. Even when we went to lunch, she acted all normally like it was in the relationship and boasted to her friend about me as well. she's either a bit out of touch w/reality by acting like everything is all good,when it's really not. or she knows exactly what she's doing and thinks she can trick you into thinking everything is all good...? well i hope she can't. i'm female, btw, and my ex has done the same thing when we were in contact.to me it's insulting. i would say things to him like "what is wrong with you? you're talking and acting like we're back together.rememeber why i chose to end things in the first place.nothing has changed for the better yet has it? if not then you don't get to expect the same things from me." the last time we saw each other,he expected sex and i refused. he acted like he was cool then, but he started drama after that, which led me to believe he was indeed upset and undersetimates my strength. no i'm not superwoman, but i do know that if an ex can get the same benefits they had when you were together, then why would they change or correct any problems...? we teach people how to treat us. i know it's a challenge but try not to give in to your every urge. Edited October 24, 2009 by muse08
GrayClouds Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 The only way to change how things happen, is to break the pattern. Over to you. There is just something about XENA you have to love...
TaraMaiden Posted October 24, 2009 Posted October 24, 2009 Guys thoroughly appreciate the feedback and i have tried to take the advice. Anyway today was the day we were meant to see one another. I kept NC with her and i guess she got worried. So at 11am she shows up at my door and gives me a big hug. We got to talking and what not, and she said lets go out to lunch, as much as i wanted to avoid it, i couldn't it was too difficult so we went. Good grief, what the hell are you, a doormat - ?? YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, ARE YOU??? What you should have done - SHOULD have done - was keep her on the doorstep, tell her "I'm fine, please leave me alone, like I've asked you to" and close the door. Good grief.....! You know what? I give up. It's patently, obviously clear you have absolutely no intention whatsoever of growing a pair and developing a spine. And that's ok. That's your choice. Some people are complete pushovers, passive and enjoy being manipulated. They are life's back-seaters, and are willing to live a life where they are happy to be used, controlled and trodden on. if that's your future, then that's fine. There are plenty of people - both men and women - like you. Just quit complaining about it. Stop whining and justifying, stop asking questions. Just take it on the chin, and be happy with your lot. Because change will - and can ever - only come from you. Until then - enjoy your own particular type of lifestyle. because it's all you have. It's obviously exactly what you want, too.
Recommended Posts