I want her back, but is it worth it?

[Gyssar]

I don't know where to start or what to say, really, so I'll just try to explain as best I can about what happened. I really need some advice right now, I know it probably won't do much good, but at least writing this down and watching this thread might make me feel a little better for long enough to get me through this mess.

 

I'll start from the very beginning:

 

It started way back, when I was 18, still in my freshman year at university.

 

I was having a hard time with my school sweetheart (Nataly) then. It was rough. I finished school and decided to move to a different city to study over at the uni. I probably made the decision to move because I realized, that I wanted to break up, but couldn't get myself to do it, even though she was the one who openly suggested, that we part our ways (more than once, and every time it happened I tried to mend the relationship).

 

After the move (at the end of august), we kept in touch and I even went to visit her every weekend. Our relationship even started improving slightly. But not enough as it eventually turned out.

 

It was the first of september. My first day at the uni. She (Alevtina) was the first person from my year, that I ever met. We became friends very quickly. To me it seemed too quickly, we started hanging out together all the time after the first week of studies. Frankly, I never treated her like anything more than a friend, didn't feel anything for her either. Even, when she started writing me love letters and poems. This went on for about a month, until one day, I was asked (as a friend of hers) to deliver some studying material to her, when she was at home with a cold. I did it. I took the papers over to her place, and just as I was about to leave she suddenly planted a kiss on my cheek. It hit me like a slab. I realized, that I never felt this good in my entire life.

 

A week later, when she was back at the uni, we decided to take a walk. Suddenly she stopped, pulled at my sleeve to stop me and asked me to go out with her. I was shocked. And happy. Because for the past week I've been thinking about a way to ask her out, but couldn't find the right words. There was another problem though. My relationship with Nataly. So I said no. I didn't explain anything either. I know this was a cruel thing to do, but I had to break up with Nataly before I started a new relationship, and I was afraid, that if I explained why I said no, that would scare Alevtina away.

 

So I came back home that evening and called Nataly to deliver the news. I can't say, that she was shocked to hear the news, but she did sound a bit sad. I went NC with her. And never regretted the decision once.

 

Next day (It was october the 17th 2003) I came to uni and told Alevtina everything. I've never seen a person this happy in my life. Before or since. We kissed.

 

A week later we had sex. It was my first time, although it wasn't a first for her. It was silly and awkward, but, amazingly, it wasn't at all embarrasing and it was extremely sensual and enjoyable for the both of us.

 

We had a very strong relationship. We shared everything with each other. We had no secrets from one another. We couldn't stand to be apart for more than a few hours. All-night phone conversations. We could listen to each other for hours, and I mean LISTEN to each other. We couldn't care less where we were or what we were doing as long as we were together. Presents, flowers, poems, letters of love, constant contact. We had sex every day. we never got tired of each other, never argued, never hurt each other. I couldn't imagine, that there can be anything better in this world.

 

One year later we started planning a wedding, we both desperately wanted a family, to have kids, to be together. But we couldn't really start a family of our own, because of financial instability. Niether her or my parents were in a position, where they could sponsor a wedding, and I myself wasn't earning any money at the time to support a family, so we decided to wait a couple of years until I get a job that could feed the two of us.

 

This lasted for more than 2 years. Things started to change after my mother died in march 2006. It's been 3,5 years since we were together by that time. Things didn't start declining rapidly. It's just that after my mother's death she started becoming increasingly demanding. I found a job by then and had been working full-time, while she helped me through university.

 

She started changing. Everything I did just didn't seem to satisfy her. She was happy, that I was earning money and setting some of it aside for our wedding, but at the same time she was always naggign me about me neglecting my studies. I tried explaining, that there was nothing I could do about it if I didn't want to lose my job. It was hard enough for me because of the loss of my mother and having to pull a full-time job, while trying to keep up with my studies. Yes, I do admit, that by nature, I'm a procrastinator, but I was really having a hard time then.

 

But things weren't that bad then, the warmth and love was still there and ever so strong. Whenever we went for a trip outside the city, or went to the country for my vacations, everything seemed to go back to the way it always was. The warmth, the love, the poems, the talks, the listening, and the sex. Were still as happy as ever. Even with all the problems.

 

On the 10th of april 2007 I got sacked. And I lied to her. I was afraid, that our relationship would start to decline if i told her. So I tried finding a new job before she found out. It didn't work. It took too much time for her not to notice. Surprisingly, she took it quite calmly. She did ask me not to do it again, though.

 

We spent another summer together. It was the last summer we were as happy as we were when our relationship began.

 

In November 2007 I finally found a good job. High salary, good promotion opportunities and all. I started once again to hoard money for the wedding. And things actually seemed to start getting better between the two of us. Until my father had a stroke in April 2008. It was a brain tumor. The biggest problem was that, although our family seemed to have a lot of friends, that we could rely on, everyone abondoned us, and I was left to take care of my father all by myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to pull out my Father, my Job and the University all at the same time, so I had to make a choice. I chose to neglect my studies. Thankfully Alevtina was there for me and was able to see me through my studies, up to the end of the academic year. I finish university thanks to her.

 

Sadly, due to the fact that I had to take care of my father, which required a lot of time, effort and money, I had to spend everything that I saved up for the wedding on his treatment. And due to frequent abscence at work, I was let go at the end of June. I didn't lie to her about being sacked, but I didn't tell her about spending the money in the hopes of making it back again over time.

 

It took me two months to find a job, but I did, and it was even better than my previous one.

 

We couldn't spend our summer together this time, as I just changed jobs.

 

October 10th 2008 I lose that job too. October 16th my father dies. October 20th Alevtina goes vacating with her parents abroad for 2 weeks.

 

I'm left devastated. By the time she returns, she finds me in a state, that would disgust almost anyone. When asked about the money, that I saved up for the wedding, I tell her the truth. She takes it well. Tries to help me through it. She picks up a job. Whenever she has free time, she's always with me. She helps me out financially. I hardly respond to any of it. I keep on telling her, that I'm looking for a job, while really just sulking and feeling sorry for myself. This goes on for about 6 months.

 

15th of march 2009. The previus day we decide to visit one of her colleagues at work, but I spend the whole night behind the computer and wake up with a terrible headache. I was supposed to pick her up at 2 PM, but overslept. She comes by to find me plastered to the bed. For the first time in my life i see her flip out like this. Usually she's loud, emotional and very explosive. This was calm and had a feeling of inevitability. She says that we're through and leaves.

 

We don't talk or see each other for a week. Then I find out she's dating someone else.

 

Strangely, instead of waning further, I actaully start waking up from the slumber, that I was in for the past 6 months. April 10th I find a job, in two weeks I rent a new apartment. In May I am able to pursuade her to spend some time out in the country together. Feelings return. And so does she.

 

In june we get tired of having to pay for an apartment and we finally decide to move in otgether into her grandparent's old apartment. End of june we're living together for the first time in more than 5 years. Everything goes well until I get accused by a partner company of burning an expensive piece of equipment at work, which I didn't burn. A hefty sum of money is deducted from my salary. My Boss tells me, that he won't stand for it and demands an investigation to be preformed.

 

Again, I make a mistake. Knowing, that the investiagation will prove, that I had nothing to do with it, I tell nothing to Alevtina. It takes too long. She finds out and leaves to live with her parents again at the beginning of August.

 

It takes me two weeks to make her return, and she eventually does, but three days into living with each other again, I start noticing, that she is becoming distant.

 

She stops answering calls, when asked where she is and when she's planning on being home, she says that it's none of my business. She becomes agressive and cold. By the end of the first week i get a hunch, that she's dating someone else. Me, being a calm and mild person, I try to reason with her and persuade to tell me the truth, which triggers an explosive reaction on her part, telling me, that she is a grown-up and can do whatever the hell she pleases, without seeking my aknowldgement.

 

This keeps on for another week, until I get confirmation, that she really is dating someone else. I make her face the evidence. She flips out, says, that se is digusted with me and never wants to see me again. I pack some of my things and leave that very night, but about 100 feet from the flat, I get a call from her telling me to come back. I realise, that I really have nowhere to go and return. We talk. She asks me to give her some time and a little space. We have sex that night.

 

This keeps on for about 2 more weeks. She keeps dating him, now openly. We argue on-and-off. I try reasoning with her. She keeps on drifting further and further away from me. Then, one day she spends the night with him. I would never have found out, but she goes and tells me about it. Then bursts into tears. We talk. She says, that he hurt her, but later that day goes and meets up with him again.

 

After that day, we sleep in different rooms.

 

Three days later, she asks me to come home at 12 PM. I know what's going on, but decide to give her a break. I come home at 12, decide, that I can't take any more of it, start packing. She actually asks me to stay, and says, that she doesn't want me to leave. We spend a romantic evening together, talk, have sex. The next two days we sleep together. She doesn't contact him at all. I even thought, that the nightmare was over.

 

But the very next day, during sex, she stops responding to me. Afterwards, she tells me to go sleep in the other room.

 

In the morning I actually pack my things and leave for good. Same day she asks me several times not to leave, to come home, that she doesn't want me gone, but I decide not to return and see how things turn out.

 

It's been two weeks since then. We've talked a couple of times, but I'm not getting any positive response from her. She just seems to be drifting ever further away from me. We talked today, she told me, that she knows how hard it is for me, but that I have to move on. She asked me not call her again, although only three days ago wrote me a message, telling that she misses me.

 

She's not gone into NC, she also gets furious, whenever i bring up the subject of all the good things, that we shared. This puzzles me. When poeple want to be left alone, they dont keep comm channels open, especially when they know, that they won't be left alone if they do.

 

I miss her. I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things. Work, gym, CCNP and MCITP certification, strikeball, hanging out with friends. But nothing helps. I just can't keep her out of my mind. And the more time passes, the more I achieve, the harder it is for me to cope.

 

Yesterday would have been 6 years since we started dating.

 

I want to be with her, I love her. Even after all the pain she put me through. I can and will forgive her, especially knowing that a lot of it is my fault. I just want her back.

 

I need some advice.

 

Do you think it's worth it? Fighting for her?

 

How do I tell if she cares?

 

Do you think I can change anything?

 

If my life changes for the better, will things between us also change for the better?

 

If not, how can I cope with this?

 

I really do love her, this is not residual, it's here to stay. And it hurts.

 

Any advice will be useful, at least it'll keep me occupied...

 

Thank you.

Edited October 18, 2009 by Gyssar

[Gyssar]

Sorry for the double post, I just found I wanted to add a few things.

 

I know it's a long story to read, but I just thought the more details I'll give the clearer it will be why the breakup happened. I know it's my fault. I also know that it's probably much simpler to move on and build a new relationship and not repeat the same mistakes with someone else, rather than try to mend something as broken as this.

 

But I really do love her. Deeply and passionately. I'm certain that she also feels for me. Not sure if it's love or if she merely feels sorry for me though.

 

I'm also certain that this BF of hers is merely a rebound. At best, she'll just dump him, at worst - she'll get hurt again.

 

When we were able to talk calmly with each other the last time (a couple of days ago), she told me, that she'll miss my kindness, calmness and devotion. She also said, that he can't even begin to campare to me in bed. Said, that she never was as happy with anyone as she once was with me. And I really fear, that this only means, that the breakup is all the more irreversible.

 

I undermined her trust, killed all the feelings she had for me, made too many mistakes, made her stop percieving me as someone she can depend upon. And I'm not sure if she'll ever be able to look at me in the same way she once did.

 

I really want her to be happy. And I want to stop hurting myslef. Not sure how to achieve both at the same time though...

[Ronni_W]

I really want her to be happy. And I want to stop hurting myslef. Not sure how to achieve both at the same time though...

I don't know if this will be good news for you, or not: You don't have the power, authority or control to "achieve" her happiness for her. It's nice that you want her to be happy...and that is ALL that is within your power and control to do. But, just because you want it doesn't mean it's going to happen, obviously.

 

Her happiness is her own responsibility, and she will achieve her own happiness through her own beliefs, perceptions, thoughts, decisions and choices. And the same is true for your happiness...and mine. Other people can't achieve our happiness for us and we can't do theirs, for them.

 

Her rebound relationship is none of your business. You are her ex; she is your ex. My own "rebound" has lasted more than 10 years...so one never knows about those things, anyway.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Hugs.

[Gyssar]

I guess I didn't phrase that correctly.

 

I wasn't talking about me "acheiving" her happiness FOR her.

 

I'm just not sure how both can be achieved at the same time. It's either hers or mine. Maybe that's just the pain talking. Maybe it'll pass, I really hope it will.

 

But I still want to be with her.

[Gyssar]

She texted me today, asking to come by and pick up what's left of my clothes.

 

Then she asked me how I was doing. Out of curiosity I suppose.

 

Not sure what I should do now. It gets real hard acting all cool and level headed around her, when all I really wanna do is... well... you know. And a run-in is inevitable. I really need some of that clothing I left behind.

 

What would you say about bringing a friend along? I guess it would help me keep my head.

[Ronni_W]

I think it's an excellent idea to ask a friend to go with you.

I'm just not sure how both can be achieved at the same time. It's either hers or mine.

No, it's not an either/or situation - that is what is called a 'mental error' in Cognitive-Behavioural theory. [because] In reality, her happiness has nothing to do with yours, and yours has nothing to do with hers. They're two completely separate things, that you each get to achieve independent of the other.

 

I get that, in your head, they are linked but Life-Love does not ask one person to sacrifice his or her happiness so that another can be happy. You are telling yourself something like, "I can only be happy with her in my life" and/or "She is my happiness." And I understand that, after a relationship ends, that is a too-common illusion. But it is just an illusion, and part of healing/recovery work is about 'fixing' the mental error(s).

 

You can each achieve your own happiness at the same time. In fact, that is basically what Love is, don't you think? -- for each person to be happy at the same time. Isn't that one of the primary GOALS of a love relationship? It's just that yours is no longer a love relationship so you now must each seek your happiness on your own, and then you can share it in your next love relationship...with someone else.

[Gyssar]

I keep on telling that to myself. It just isn't working for me yet.

 

I'm slowly beginning to realize, that the reasons for the breakup don't matter any more and no amount of self improvement is going to change anything between the two of us.

 

Only reason to work on myslef now is FOR myself and to avoid past mistakes in the future. That actually does cheer me up slightly. I've not spent time on doing what I want in YEARS. Although, admittedly, being with her was at the top of the list for a LONG time. I guess I grew too attached, no wrong word, there's nothing wrong in being attached or connected, i grew too dependant on her. And that was one of the things, that actaully drove her away. I became uninteresting.

 

And to top it all off - I took our relationship for granted. I started working on it only when lightening struck, but by that time it was all too late.

 

That is one lesson I'll probably never forget. Never to take anything for granted. Every aspect of life, especially when it comes to people, needs a lot of patience and work.

 

Talking about this helps, thank you.

[Ronni_W]

I'm glad it is helping.

I keep on telling that to myself. It just isn't working for me yet.

Well, actually. If you re-read your most recent post, you may just have to realize and accept that it IS starting to work for you!

It does take time, though, so I'd suggest to just keep being compassionate and patient with your Self.

You will get there...you've already started to get there. Hugs and best of luck the rest of the way.

[Gyssar]

To tell you the truth, yesterday, I was totally devastated. I had just had my closing converasation with her and I thought, that I wouldn't be able to cope.

 

It's amazing how fast a person can heal physically, mentally and emotionally when he wants to.

 

All it took was less than a day of reading these forums and some other pointers and a few well-placed comments. The most important thing is to open up to the fact, that the heart desperately wants to heal. And the pain suddenly starts becoming bearable.

 

Most important thing right now is to keep myself occupied not to let myself dwell on the thoughts, that inadvertedly keep on creeping into my mind.

 

I'll post back here when night comes. It'll probably the hardest time of day. Although I am going for a workout in the evening, I'll just have to make sure that I'm completely out of energy to even think straight.

 

Cheers.

[Gyssar]

Crap, I knew night time would be the worst. Thoughts are starting to creep up on me again. I wish there'd be someone I could talk to right now to keep my mind off her.

 

For the past two months (since I found out about her new BF) sleep has really been coming hard. Even as worn-down as I feel right now, extensive workout and all, I still can't fall asleep.

 

Non-prescription meds don't do squat to help either, and I sure as hell won't move to anything stronger than mild anti-depressants.

 

Gonna go try to get some shut-eye.

[Ronni_W]

Yep...it is a difficult phase to be going through.

Thoughts are starting to creep up on me again.

I know it is trite but. YOU are in charge of your own thoughts. Practice 'thoughtus interruptus' -- think of ANYTHING else. Mentally bake a cake or build a spaceship. Put your mind to work on some other activity. Read a book, write a book. Create a short, positive affirmation and just keep chanting it over and over.

 

You could also Google 'natural sleep remedies'. Learning and practicing meditation and/or visualization is a good way to de-stress and relax but...you'll need to stay on top of your own thoughts and mental images so they don't go where you do not want them to. Nutrition is also important even though it can be difficult to eat healthily at a time like this.

 

Do your best, is all you can do

[Gyssar]

I feel like crap... I broke NC.

 

We did previously exchange some mesages about picking up my things and such.

 

But this was different. She started writing about how she doesn't know what's going on in her head and how she can't get me out of her mind.

 

We texted for some time. Then she called me. All in tears. Saying how she misses me and wants me to come over (this was deep at night).

 

And me, being the jackass that I am call a cab and go there.

 

We talked. I tried to calm her down. She seemed moved by my efforts. The she asked me to have sex with her.

 

Should've known better...

 

Directly afterwards she tells me to go sleep in another room, I flip out and leave.

 

Then we have an argument. I get needy again... crap, all that effort down the drain. I'm back at square one again and she's breaking off communication now.

 

I'm an idiot...

 

MOVE ON DAMMIT!

[Logik]

I get that, in your head, they are linked but Life-Love does not ask one person to sacrifice his or her happiness so that another can be happy. You are telling yourself something like, "I can only be happy with her in my life" and/or "She is my happiness."

 

Another thing to remember is that although this above statement is true, the opposite is also true. People who leave also tell themselves that "I can only be unhappy with them in my life" and/or "The other person is my unhappiness". You are the only person who is responsible for your happiness or unhappiness and the same goes for her. You did not make her unhappy. You showed undesirable actions, which she allowed you to continue, and then used those actions as an excuse for her unhappiness.

 

That's the way I see it.