skylarblue Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) Question: If you think your H/W is having an A and you’re the type to stay and try to work on your M, why not just accept it instead of making the feeling worst by asking for “honesty” and details. There have been a lot of posts by BS that say they “can’t seem to get past the A even though they stayed” or how “they accept the lying for the sake of their family, beliefs, situation or love”. My MM’s W has been accusing him of having an A and for years he’s been denying it. He’s with me for my looks and sex; I’m with him because I like MM. We’re only sleeping with each other. Other than their sex life nothing in their M has changed because of it. He’s still the H and father he’s always been, their M problems were the same before me. His W wouldn’t leave him anyway if she knew. Even if she wanted to she is totally dependent on him as provider since she’s been a stay-at-home-mom for nearly 10yrs. And there's no chance that he's going leave her. I don’t understand why she is pressuring him so much just to make her life miserable. So again, I ask if the BS is not going to leave the WS, why put yourself through the torture of knowing and hearing it from the WS. Edited October 18, 2009 by skylarblue
imagine Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 What kind of question is that? We made a deal before God and each other. My word is my bond as should be hers. Respect that. Whatever your OMW would do, continued adultery equals divorce for me.
JumpinJimmy Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 (edited) Imagine, if you read all of skylarblues posts, you will realize that she is merely a questionable person gloating on here. I would give her posts the due diligence that they deserve. Edited October 18, 2009 by JumpinJimmy
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 He’s still the H and father he’s always been ...and always will be be, because he is capable of nothing more. Do her a favor and tell her...she may have a different view than you do about continuing a relationship with someone who is involved with someone else. And if she shares your view, enjoy!
datura_noir Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 For myself, I like being "in the loop" in my own relationship. To have a spouse who has cheated and kept details from you translates (to me) that the affair,the secret is so special, so good, that it must not be shared with the spouse. That hurts. Knowing EXACTLY what was said/done, makes me feel like I am valued enough to know the most secret parts of my WS, that it was shared due to wanting to finally have an honest relationship. I don't care if the OP even knows I know. I know, and I feel that the decision to continue my relationship was mine alone;built on honesty, warts and all. And that is a great feeling.
datura_noir Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 And, BTW, your post makes you seem as though you are bitter and jealous of the wife.
scatterd Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 She might leave if she had proof.If its not a big deal then why dont you both tell her then she wont have to keep asking.She must feel it or she would not ask.Not knowing can hurt as much as knowing.When he married her he promised to only be with her.I agree with JJ
bentnotbroken Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Why should the BS be the only one who doesn't know the details of your own life? You got two people who don't give a damn about you making decisions for you, seems kind of stupid not to want all the pieces to the puzzle to see the entire picture KWIM? But since the truth was foreign to Mr. Messy and his side kick, nothing either of them said would have meant more than gas I needed to pass. Painful at first, stinks for a minute and is no longer a part of your life after it passes away.
Author skylarblue Posted October 19, 2009 Author Posted October 19, 2009 I apologize if I sound harsh or arrogant. Maybe everything could have been worded better (as I was relaying it to my own situation), but I must admit I was a little annoyed at the time by a previous post which sparked this question in which I said I didn’t think my MM’s W needed to know because he wasn’t going to leave her. I would like the take the chance to redeem myself. An astonishing 70% of adultery victims are women. A survey taken by MSNBC revealed that 28% of married men have had cheated on their partner. Of these cheaters only 2% of cheaters have been caught by their partners, with 60% believing they totally got away undetected by their spouse. Only 6% of cheating men actually came forth to confess their misdeed. Nearly 50% of men admit to being unfaithful at some time in their lives. My personal thought is that the 60% marriages are happier than the 2% or 6%. I’m not saying that the S/O doesn’t have a right to know. I just think that some are better off not knowing. Just my opinion. So once again I was just asking, but probably out of annoyance. As far as me needing to “gloat”, my situation is what it is. I don’t make it out to be anything more or less. Due to its nature, I guess anyway I refer to it comes off harshly.
DNU1 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 An astonishing 70% of adultery victims are women. A survey taken by MSNBC revealed that 28% of married men have had cheated on their partner. Of these cheaters only 2% of cheaters have been caught by their partners, with 60% believing they totally got away undetected by their spouse. Only 6% of cheating men actually came forth to confess their misdeed. Nearly 50% of men admit to being unfaithful at some time in their lives. My personal thought is that the 60% marriages are happier than the 2% or 6%. I’m not saying that the S/O doesn’t have a right to know. I just think that some are better off not knowing. Just my opinion. So once again I was just asking, but probably out of annoyance. As far as me needing to “gloat”, my situation is what it is. I don’t make it out to be anything more or less. Due to its nature, I guess anyway I refer to it comes off harshly. Well, I'm a man (BS), and one of the 2% that caught their WS (three Ddays, four OMs). She confessed OMs #1 and #2, but I'm pretty sure she would have never confessed to #3 and #4. As for your situation skylarblue, well, I can't really say anthing positive without attacking you, bashing you. It's your life, live it how you wish. I will tell you the most painful thing in my life was handing my STBxWW divorce papers. To see our family torn apart like that, to lose my very best friend in the world...NOTHING compares to that heartache. The next most painful thing in my life was the revelation that my wife, the woman i pledged my life to before God, family and friends, my best friend in the world, my soulmate, my queen, the revelation that she had cheated on me. So if you want to be a part of that pain, that heartache, by all means keep seeing your MM. When it's time for me to enter the dating world, you can rest assured that I will NEVER have a relationship, date or even flirt with a married woman, or even one with a boyfriend. Nuff said. Have a nice day. D.
bentnotbroken Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I apologize if I sound harsh or arrogant. Maybe everything could have been worded better (as I was relaying it to my own situation), but I must admit I was a little annoyed at the time by a previous post which sparked this question in which I said I didn’t think my MM’s W needed to know because he wasn’t going to leave her. I would like the take the chance to redeem myself. An astonishing 70% of adultery victims are women. A survey taken by MSNBC revealed that 28% of married men have had cheated on their partner. Of these cheaters only 2% of cheaters have been caught by their partners, with 60% believing they totally got away undetected by their spouse. Only 6% of cheating men actually came forth to confess their misdeed. Nearly 50% of men admit to being unfaithful at some time in their lives. My personal thought is that the 60% marriages are happier than the 2% or 6%. I’m not saying that the S/O doesn’t have a right to know. I just think that some are better off not knowing. Just my opinion. So once again I was just asking, but probably out of annoyance. As far as me needing to “gloat”, my situation is what it is. I don’t make it out to be anything more or less. Due to its nature, I guess anyway I refer to it comes off harshly. What's the sample size used for this survey? Was it cross sectional or longitudinal? What was the way the information was obtained? Did they do a survey or did they observe:rolleyes:? What was the age and SES of respondents? What country was the survey conducted in? How was infidelity defined? I ask these questions because they all affect the numbers that you quoted, which makes the numbers(as in most surveys)suspect.
road Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Skyb You want honesty? There is no justification for an affair. There is no room for three in a marriage. As long as the OP syphons off what tha BS should be getting then the marriage will never improve and heal.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 i *think* i might understand a bit. his BS keeps focusing on the little details instead of the big picture. its almost like a form of denial. if you obsess over a single detail on a single day it makes you lose sight of the entire situation...which is much much worse than an individual event. i think it also makes it hard to move on. takes you backwards a few steps. and i also understand the bit of bitterness for his W. not her directly but the situation. shes certainly does not have it all, she is crushed, and he was HERS to begin with. but - in the end she has him. and many OW would gladly take the exMM even knowing what kind of person he's been.
Untouchable_Fire Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I apologize if I sound harsh or arrogant. Maybe everything could have been worded better (as I was relaying it to my own situation), but I must admit I was a little annoyed at the time by a previous post which sparked this question in which I said I didn’t think my MM’s W needed to know because he wasn’t going to leave her. I would like the take the chance to redeem myself. An astonishing 70% of adultery victims are women. A survey taken by MSNBC revealed that 28% of married men have had cheated on their partner. Of these cheaters only 2% of cheaters have been caught by their partners, with 60% believing they totally got away undetected by their spouse. Only 6% of cheating men actually came forth to confess their misdeed. Nearly 50% of men admit to being unfaithful at some time in their lives. My personal thought is that the 60% marriages are happier than the 2% or 6%. I’m not saying that the S/O doesn’t have a right to know. I just think that some are better off not knowing. Just my opinion. So once again I was just asking, but probably out of annoyance. As far as me needing to “gloat”, my situation is what it is. I don’t make it out to be anything more or less. Due to its nature, I guess anyway I refer to it comes off harshly. You actively try not to come off as a jerk and that's the best you can do? Look, his wife wants to know what's going on in his life... it's called intimacy. As for how that relates to you... it doesn't Your just like a free hooker to him. When it's all said and done you will be easily dropped, because whatever value you believe you have... is just a mirage.
Spark1111 Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 It's not hard to understand that true intimacy involves the sharing of all secrets. When three people are in a relationship, and only two share the secrets of an illicit relationship, why wouldn't/shouldn't the third party know the details upon discovery??? It would be no different if you, the OM/OW discovered your MM or MW had another secret relationship in addition to the spouse and YOU. What would the bigger picture be then???
Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 Question: If you think your H/W is having an A and you’re the type to stay and try to work on your M, why not just accept it instead of making the feeling worst by asking for “honesty” and details. why stay at all? Let them be someone elses problem. My MM’s W has been accusing him of having an A and for years he’s been denying it. He’s with me for my looks and sex LMFAO!!!! I’m with him because I like MM. So again, I ask if the BS is not going to leave the WS, why put yourself through the torture of knowing and hearing it from the WS. because being cheated on is traumatic. people don't think straight when betrayal happens. I too wanted details, but that didn't last long. I knew I wasn't going to get them, and knew, details or not, that more than likely I'd be filing for divorce. So while I agree, details are irrelevant, people ask for them because the pain causes them to want to dig. I think they figure if they found something disgusting enough, they could justify in their minds to leave the cheater, and if they didn't as much as they were looking for, they could justify it in their minds to stay with the jackasses.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 19, 2009 Posted October 19, 2009 I apologize if I sound harsh or arrogant. you didn't just SOUND arrogant.......you are. Maybe everything could have been worded better (as I was relaying it to my own situation), but I must admit I was a little annoyed at the time by a previous post which sparked this question in which I said I didn’t think my MM’s W needed to know because he wasn’t going to leave her. I would like the take the chance to redeem myself. redeem yourself? after saying you like MM? I don't think redemption is in the cards for you.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 This is ac2ally quite a hilarious statement when you think about it. How could you know this? Because a lyin' sack of sea-goin' salty salmon s**t told you?? LMFAO!!!!! :lmao: oh my, 2long, spit just went down the wrong pipe when I read that!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Why do you care one way or the other. Is it easier to have an affair with a WS whose BS doesn't know, doesn't care?? What difference does it make to the OP how the BS is handling the affair? You have stated before (I believe) that its the fact that he is married that you get off on. The fact that a MM is choosing you over his spouse. Does that spouse have to act in a certain way in order for you to fully enjoy the A? You don't want a MM who would leave or divorce his partner... and you feel certain that he wouldn't. Why do you care how the BS feels about it or what she wants to know?
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Maybe because your MM is LYING to her and GASLIGHTING her! Why should she just hand over HER husband to you? They have a life built together, a history, family, inlaws, extended family, friends, the house, kids etc.. etc.. Is it possible that your MM is just happy with the status quo? Selfish cake eating man who loves having TWO women in his life? At the end of the day, he chooses HER...His wife! He goes home, to her..She's his life.. He chooses to be with you on HIS terms and you say he's with you because your looks and sex?? Sorry, but that ain't flattering.. That's putting YOURSELF down by admitting that you are NOT wife material. Or did he tell you this? IF he did, then this is how he sees YOU. A beautiful woman who will have sex with him.. Nothing more, nothing less. Again, that ain't flattering, and is NOT love. It's lust and purely selfish on his behalf. Why are you hanging onto a man who chooses to stay married? Don't YOU feel like you're worthy of someone's full attention?
boldjack Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 If you are sleeping with her husband, I'm pretty sure that she will be concerned. Why should you care what she thinks , anyway? Leave her alone. What she and her husband do, is none of your business. You are getting what you want, don't try to insinnuate yourself into their marriage any more than you have. IMO
2sure Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 You ask why she keeps questioning about his having an affair instead of accepting it. But then you add that MM keeps denying that he is having an affair. Its the same thing. She doesnt have the opportunity to make a decision because he has her convinced her questions are crazy. She may not even mind the actual affair so much after all this time...but she would be relieved to know at least that she isnt crazy. So why not ask him to stop denying?
bentnotbroken Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 She says she has no morals where marriage is concerned and apparently she doesn't mind another human being played emotionally and mentally(out right abuse)so she isn't going to say anything.
delajoonal Posted October 20, 2009 Posted October 20, 2009 Question: If you think your H/W is having an A and you’re the type to stay and try to work on your M, why not just accept it instead of making the feeling worst by asking for “honesty” and details. There have been a lot of posts by BS that say they “can’t seem to get past the A even though they stayed” or how “they accept the lying for the sake of their family, beliefs, situation or love”. My MM’s W has been accusing him of having an A and for years he’s been denying it. He’s with me for my looks and sex; I’m with him because I like MM. We’re only sleeping with each other. Other than their sex life nothing in their M has changed because of it. He’s still the H and father he’s always been, their M problems were the same before me. His W wouldn’t leave him anyway if she knew. Even if she wanted to she is totally dependent on him as provider since she’s been a stay-at-home-mom for nearly 10yrs. And there's no chance that he's going leave her. I don’t understand why she is pressuring him so much just to make her life miserable. So again, I ask if the BS is not going to leave the WS, why put yourself through the torture of knowing and hearing it from the WS. as a BS myself, i will say this...i am ALWAYS the first to say, that each and every A is unique to its own situation...so you might not get the results you are hoping for? also, because YOUR MM's W is prollly NOT on this site, you will NOT get her answer either. also, in your post i detect a bit of bitterness? anger possibly or frusrtation? this is because you are trying to get something from your MM you are NOT going to get..EVER...what you MM's W does is really none of your business...think about it...YOU are the one invading a M between 2 people ...you are NOT suppose to be there..in reality...but since you are and your MM let you in...it should just stop there..with the MM..his W is none of YOUR concern. you really have no rights..and if you feel you have rights over what you MM's W does, says, acts, feels...then it is time for you to get out of this A, because you are kidding yourself in saying that is ALL you are in it for is the s-e-x.?? as for statistics..i think that has been brought up several times this past few weeks and in reality...how will one every truly know...think about it..A's are made to be the biggest secrets in the world, so how can 'they' even begin to get a factual stat on these issues?? like i said, you sound a bit angry and frustrated, maybe you should look at YOUR life and what YOU want and are doing...and NOT worry so much about a woman you have NO CONTROL over...maybe that is what is getting to you???? you can't control your MM's W and it is frustrating the heck out of you? good luck and i hope truly, that you can find a healthy relationship with a man you can call YOUR own;)
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