Day 1 of No Contact tomorrow.. scared

[I feel so sad]

First time poster, but having read a lot of the threads here there seems to be a multitude of people who have sound and sane advice to give..

 

G/f and I were going out 3 years, at end of year 2 there was a breach of trust (which I won't go into) and we then started a year of getting together and then breaking up. Main problem this year was me wanting to commit to settling down and then backing out of that..

 

Last march we split, for commitment reason, lasted a month with no contact and then we facebooked and started talking, then hanging out, I realised the more I saw her, that I deffo wanted to commit, but respected her space and her want for a friendship, I incld her in my family gatherings, suggested places to go together etc, basically, i put her first in all that I did for 5 months. Then the 'talk'.. told her how I felt, had written out everything I wanted (not to read as notes, but to show I was genuine), she thought about it for another month and told me her 'gut' told her it wasn't time to try again. She loved and cared about me, but couldn't re enter the relationship.

 

heartbreak...

 

We then continued as friends.. in a manner, was less forthcoming with her on things after that, then 3 weeks ago she had been away for a week, txt me first thing she landed to say she home.. then on sunday, she mails to say she got me a small gift and was it ok to come down the following week to give it to me. I thought maybe, just maybe, this was it..

Txt conversation started (I know, its not the way to do things) and over the course of the monday I knew I had to tell her, so 'here goes I thought', I went to her house, she kindly let me in and I poured my heart out to her, what had I to lose? I told her everything I wanted, all my wishes, desires, deepest fears and I wanted her in on it. I have never been so open and honest with anyone in my life..

 

She was stunned, she was confused, her 'gut' said no.. so I left and by wed she txt to see how I was,we met the following sunday and she said she wanted all the exact same things, and whilst she loved and cared for me, she didn't have enough of 'that feeling'.. (i think attraction) to try again.

 

Heartbreak all week..

 

tonight after some random txt conversations in last 2 days I have txt her to tell her I won't be in contact for a while, until I can sort my head out. This is the worst breakup, which isn't a breakup (cos we not been together in 7 months) that I ever experienced, i know now that I love(d) her more than I thought and want(ed) to spend my life with her..

 

and now I am scared for the future, i have sworn I will not contact her first now.. she has been removed from my electronic life (f/book, email, ph no's, I cleared out the house of her stuff and reminders of her a few weeks ago, finally!) she did reply tonight and say she didn't meant to hurt me, that no contact is understandable and her fault, that she appreciated the last few weeks, and she hopes I ok..

 

we both 'dated' in the last few months, I went on 3 'coffee dates' which weren't for me and she is 'very very casually' seeing someone, though she admits she feels little for him compared to when we started..

 

has anyone ever been thru anythin similar and if so any support/advice would be welcome..

[tucker08]

I think with any breakup ever it has been a challenge to employ NC. I have to admit it does get easier every day, you stop thinking that there may be a message for you on your phone or computer, you will always have a little moment of hoping for it, but each day that passes that you realise they didn't contact you, the realisation hurts a little less, until you're almost indifferent.

 

When my ex and I broke up, I - like most people - was not in a clear state of mind and tried to persuade him to get back with me and all the other stuff you hear about desperate people doing. Well after a while I got sick of the hurt, of the rejection and I just stopped contacting him. I never told him i was going to establish NC I just did it. We didn't speak for 4 months and the first time we did was when we found ourselves at a mutual friends party. They say in NC if you dont hear anything for a couple months its over. wlel that is not always the case.. It was very awkward for the first little bit at the party but after a while we were talking and he even ended up walking me home. We hugged at the end of the night and went our seperate way. I did not contact him but a couple of days later he contacted me and after a few weeks of talking we reconciled and got back together. Anything can happen, and it seems to only happen when you least expect it. In this case I was already accepting the fact that he would never be back, and right when I did, he came back.

 

Be strong, don't break NC because the second you do you will regret it and it will take you right back to square one. I can almost gaurantee in your case, that , even if she doesnt contact you, she has thoguht about it and has thought about you and missed you. Keep that in mind and keep being strong

[I feel so sad]

thanks tucker08... and may I say I am genuinely happy that it worked out for you... (one of the lucky ones and long may it last!)

 

I know that NC is to help us heal first rather than as a manipulative trick to get them back and I am trying desperately to keep that at the forefront of my mind and will continue to do so..

 

I guess its one day at a time until I wake up one day and realise that things aren't so bad and those birds actually ARE singing not calling her name to me!!!

 

thanks for kind words..

[wondering_girl]

hi there - i'm sorry you're going through this, we're here for you, it sounds like she's not sure what she wants yet and i feel like since you've told her how you felt it's up to her if she wants to give it a try right? do you feel that way too?

 

my ex bf of four years didn't even say it's over but i guess his "silence" or no contact is a clue - he still texts me at the oddest times but unless he means business it's useless right, IT HURTS and we're all in the same boat, it's about to get rocky as hell but hopefully we'll get through it........

 

the NC helps, i know the first two weeks was rough but a month after i can remember how bad it was then and it's not too bad now.........

 

*HUGS*

[I feel so sad]

hi WG.. thanks.. nice to know that one is not the only one in the world going thru this kinda stuff!..

 

I get the impression she's confused a bit, I suppose since we broke up like 3 times in a year and got back twice naturally she'd be guarded now.. plus her history isn't a great read (her prev ex was due to marry her when he walked out 6 months before the wedding)

 

its good to know it gets easier.. i guess the last 2 weeks since I turned up at her door and let loose (in a nice way!) just wore me out and i was left with an empty feeling..

 

one positive I've got already is that I've learned I can have that much passion about someone/something in me, prob not a bad thing to find out after 32 years!

 

the ball was left firmly in her court, but she didn't want to play, I know it was a hard, brave and honest decision for her to make, would've been as easy to say "ok" and then where would we be in a year or 2 with her not 100% committed.. she did say she was 'sorry like I wouldn't believe' after the chat a week ago..

 

I guess most of my hurt is the fact its 'unrequited love' on my part, but I also hurting cos I figure she is beating herself up about it.. and this is the part where ya tell me to worry about myself right??!!!

 

nice to hear ya getting through it too.. i have to say the amount of genuine and caring strangers I've seen whilst looking thru this site is genuinely shocking, and yet inspiring to me...

 

and thanks for *hugs*.. most welcome!!

[J-Dad]

I feel for ya. I'm going through the same thing with my wife, and let me tell ya, no amound of begging, crying, yelling or reasoning will bring them back. Once they get their head straight, maybe they will come back, but we need to get on with our lives and make ourselves someone that they or anyone else would want to be with. Stay strong. Its only my 3rd day of NC and its already getting better.

[I feel so sad]

God J-Dad.. sorry to hear ya hurting too.. and no, I realised all that 'heart on the sleeve' stuff may have had an impact the first time but no point going overboard on it. I actually wrote out a list of reasons why I would not get back with her if she knocked on my door in the morning.. pretty good exercise, made me better able to see the wood from the trees..

 

well day 3 for me will involve a Firewalk for charity! so I'd best feel good that day!.

 

Boys have rallied round too so have a weekend of activities planned next week, if only i could get through the going to sleep phase, thats been the worse time these last 2 weeks.

 

I actually mentally slapped myself today, we actually broke up 7 months ago, this slef realisation thing I got onto about my feelings has really set me back, though I am glad I did it, cos I can always look back and say I did what I could.

 

I should be back dating by now, if only I'd healed quicker and avoided contact with her.. its like 3/4 of the year has not been erased and I'm back in March but doing octobers activities.. kinda makes me wanna get out of this self defeatist ("what if") attitude quicker.

 

well i'll be on this for a while anyway.. stay strong too.. keep the faith..

[tucker08]

thanks tucker08... and may I say I am genuinely happy that it worked out for you... (one of the lucky ones and long may it last!)

 

I know that NC is to help us heal first rather than as a manipulative trick to get them back and I am trying desperately to keep that at the forefront of my mind and will continue to do so..

 

I guess its one day at a time until I wake up one day and realise that things aren't so bad and those birds actually ARE singing not calling her name to me!!!

 

thanks for kind words..

 

 

You definately will wake up and realise it. There is no better feeling than realising you don't need someone else to fulfill your happiness, and I know it seems like it will never get easier but now looking back to last august, it seems like just yesterday but I can hardly remember how bad it hurt..

 

So just remember that and it gives you something to look forward to and something to work for!

 

goodluck! hopefully everything works out for the best

[I feel so sad]

DAY ONE SUCKS..... just got home from a funeral (colleagues family member) and thought about the Ex the whole way home.. have turned into a blubbering mess here now....

 

I don't know what to think anymore... gonna go try and keep busy.. somehow..

[Patrice]

You know what they say .... When you're going through Hell, just keep on going ... hugs to you ... NC for me going on 2 weeks .... had a very bad night last night - just engulfed with the loneliness ... but the sun is shining today and I expect that this is just part of the process of healing up ... do something good for yourself today.

[I feel so sad]

oh I'm the no1 express at the mo.... a year ago i'd never have admitted this, but that little (read as 'big') cry did me the world of good.. then I took doggy for a wander and got her some treats...

 

its Night 1 now that is looming and thats a bit dreadful but am gonna keep busy til I fall into slumber..

 

A happily (grrr!!!) married friend of mine, who I haven't spoken to in about 4 months (cos I was silly and concentrating on ex) randomly sent me a 'hi' email today!!!.. she sent me on this quote she heard:

 

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

 

which is nice.. though of course logical brain is thinking she will return, but I so want to get out of that mode of thinking.. whats done is done, I have read some of the nice stories of reunification on this site and its very touching and indeed inspiring that something will happen, but I don't think i'd be ready if she knocked at the door tonight tbh (which won't happen, I know that much about her!)

 

ah well, before i know it'll be day 2 slipping into day 3.. which is a good thing.

 

big Hugs back Patrice.. hope tonight is better, and whilst i understand the loneliness part, look at us, we're all in it together in our own separate ways.. and tomorrow morning we'll all be one day closer to being the person we want to be again...

[I feel so sad]

as an aside actually and to help me TRY and understand the female psyche... ??!?!

 

when we were going out she lived in my house a lot and I in hers.. so, naturally enough we ended up with stuff in each others place.

 

Now, when we broke up in march, by may or so I was strong enough to bag up all her things, toiletries, pj's, hair dryer, trainers and shoes!! (and she can be a proper girl bout shoes)...

 

as we broke up I managed to spirit away most of my things..bar a few items of clothing/electrical goods, but whilst in the 'friend's stage she borrowed like some sweaters and t'shirts etc from me at my house..

 

every time I brought up the subject of getting her stuff back to her (as its 2 big bags of items and she knows it)..she'd kinda shrug her shoulders and say 'hang onto it' (hence the mixed messages I thought I was getting).. then last sunday as she told me one more time that shewasn't in love with me enough to try again, I told her I had thought about bringing the stuff to her in the car, she asked what was in it, and just shrugged her shoulders. Never once, has she mentioned any of my things and how I'd get them back.. (If I never see them again I'm not that pushed)

 

Perhaps my mind is in overdrive, but surely the exchanging of possessions is done when all is done and dusted and one does not want that person in their life, even if they wanted just a 'friend' would a girl seriously just hang onto the items???

 

or am I over analyzing this too much (I'm done with reading into txts and emails now so decided this was as good a thing to wonder about at night as any!!)

 

any and all insights welcome please!..

 

thanks